After 2 months of NC, thinking she's doing GREAT... (for those struggling w/ NC)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, she was the one who initiated the NC and kept to it, ignoring the couple times I tried to reconcile (even though the only thing I did was finally call her out on her BS, and I did it with love even).

So I assume she's with another dude who's providing her what I provided her (because it's all about her, and never me), which is very likely. But, like a lot of us, I mistakenly assumed she's doing great, with her great career and new life without me.

BUT, I find out that she just got a DUI - not only that, but it didn't go well and that she got taken to jail on the spot, car impounded and license taken away. Being that she's a car-traveling sales-rep, she NEEDS her license to survive - that's now over.  And if I were still with her, I'd be dragged down into her despair as well. I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

I do feel bad for her, but it goes to show, they are never the ones who are doing better after the break up, EVER.  They are always miserable, and they always will be - because they themselves are the source of their misery. And they are also the source of our misery as well.

Lesson being, if you still want them back, remind yourself how you were only miserable with them, they will always be miserable, with or without you and how you're so much better off without them.

[slop]

Well, she was the one who initiated the NC and kept to it, ignoring the couple times I tried to reconcile (even though the only thing I did was finally call her out on her BS, and I did it with love even).

So I assume she's with another dude who's providing her what I provided her (because it's all about her, and never me), which is very likely. But, like a lot of us, I mistakenly assumed she's doing great, with her great career and new life without me.

BUT, I find out that she just got a DUI - not only that, but it didn't go well and that she got taken to jail on the spot, car impounded and license taken away. Being that she's a car-traveling sales-rep, she NEEDS her license to survive - that's now over.  And if I were still with her, I'd be dragged down into her despair as well. I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

I do feel bad for her, but it goes to show, they are never the ones who are doing better after the break up, EVER.  They are always miserable, and they always will be - because they themselves are the source of their misery. And they are also the source of our misery as well.

Lesson being, if you still want them back, remind yourself how you were only miserable with them, they will always be miserable, with or without you and how you're so much better off without them.

[CollegePepper]

This made me smile.


My BPD has been struggling to find a job for several months. Looks like it will remain that way for quite some time.

[Pingviners]

Mine is like saying she is doing fine. She actually went to Boston on her own couple of times (when she said I couldn't go by myself when we were engaged). She is now desperately trying to date another person right now. Her finances are not that great and her college life seems to be a struggle so may be its true that I stepped out of there now. I mean I tried to help her with everything throughout the relationship but with her barely appreciating may be its best to give it to someone else who deserves it.

[TonyK]

Excuse me, but what does '':)UI'' mean?

[HenrySarria]

Excuse me, but what does '':)UI'' mean?

Driving Under the Influence; drunk driving.

[whatarideout]

Excuse me, but what does '':)UI'' mean?

"driving under the influence"

in other words... .driving drunk.

(oops. posted same time as henrysarria)

[TonyK]

Oh, OK, thank you, fellas... .

[slop]

Yeah, and while I was taken aback by her arrest, I wasn't that surprised by her DUI. She never drove drunk when I was with her, but she certainly abused alcohol and stuff, as a lot BPD people do (even after I would plead with her not to - she'd say she'll give it up, but it wouldn't last for more than a day or two). So I guess she just didn't have someone to take her home like I used to (it helped that we lived very close to each other), and she got nabbed. I guess that's better than getting in an accident while drunk.

Still, I won't be shocked if she gets another DUI within the next few years.  This, among other things, reveal how she's just continuing to spiral downwards.  And since I'm now observing from the outside, I can totally see, with great clarity, how it's all her own doing, and not stuff that "just happens" to her, like she used to complain about.  I just hope I don't have to attend her funeral soon. But if I do, I'll know I did all I could do to prevent it.

[Tausk]

Part of my recovery is trying to do my best not to think about my ex doing better or worse.  Or even harder, trying not to compare myself with her new BF who she nabbed while we were still living together.  He's young, a lot richer, much more quiet and lives only a mile away from me.

But it's all irrelevant.  My ex lives with BPD.  Which means that no matter how functioning or non-functioning she seems to be, that her basic state of mind is that of a terrified mentally limited three-year old living in the horrors of the very real nightmare of her existence.   She might be in the temporary high of finding a new object of attachment (just like we were for the first four months), but the disorder always wins.

I think back now and reflect upon the times that I screamed at her, not necessarily unjustified in my world, but from her perspective I was just terrorizing a scared three year old, and threatening her with her greatest nightmare, which is that I might leave her.  And even sadder, she really didn't even understand why I was mad.  She didn't have the capacity to process how her actions had a negative and destructive effect on my life.  

It's like asking a three-year old while you are beating her bloody, if she understands how much the beating is hurting YOUR hand.  She just didn't have the capacity to understand.  I now know I made so many mistakes and that I just lived in the fantasy, and I was supposed to be the "adult."

So today, i honestly pray that she's happier with her new BF.  I pray that all the happiness that I wanted for me and her, now go to her and her new BF.  It's hard and sometimes I don't feel it, and when they get married it will hurt like hell.  And having seen them in a hammock together almost killed me.  But I still try and pray for them because I know that she's just the terrified three-year old whose self-awareness is comparable to an autistic child.  And if she can't find safety, consistency and some form of happiness with her current BF, she might end up broken, raped, and worse.

But mostly I pray for her happiness and for her to feel safe, because I know that in the long run it's better for me.  I would never be able to take her back now, without her having gone through the self-realization of abandonment depression, but that's never going to happen with her.  The disorder always wins.

So what is best for me is to wish her the best.  I loved her the best that i knew how at the time, and she loved me the best that she knew how at the time.   And I still love her so much that I've started to cry right now.

But, now when I love someone, even non-romantically, it's clearer, purer, and deeper.  I now have a much greater capacity for human connection.  That's a gift from her.  She leave us with nothing but more pain, and bad memories of a hated controlling abusive ex-partner who she barely remembers and never mourned.  It maybe not entirely a correct assessment of the realities of our interaction, but it’s the absolute the truth from her perspective.  It's all she knows, which is paint me black and move on.

So pathetic and sad.  She deserves my compassion because all she really feels is the pain, shame and terror.  I should give her my compassion, because I can, and because it helps me be better and stronger.

[rdtx]

I gotta admit - I did get a bit of a charge out of that story. So sue me! 

As far as the pwBPD and their ability to 'Keep on Truckin' - I have the 100% Solid Gold Stellar Example of my stbxMIL who is officially diagnosed w/BPD.

My stbxW had educated me about her momster and her mom's BPD every so often so I got the gist of it being very much 'not good' 'permanent' and 'getting worse.'

Oddly enough one of stbx biggest fears was 'turning into her mother.' 

I sure did witness 5 years of a 60 something woman absolutely Ping Ponged and Overwhelmed ('overwhelmed' was an oft used word in my house) by the most rudimentary and mundane bits of everyday life - this was usually addressed by ingesting COPIOUS amounts of alcohol and sedatives.

I've never seen a woman who had less to do in life (she is a Doctor's wife - no need for a pesky job) so completely ass backwards in every way.

No reaction too crazy!

No situation that can't be made worse!

I can spend hundreds of thousands of YOUR dollars and still be miserable and ungrateful!

Every 3rd week of August, the Earth gets too close to the Sun or something somewhere triggers the Annual Meltdown Extravaganza! MIL would lose her biscuits every summer - like clockwork.

It is pretty much a Crystal Ball into my future (the only difference was that my stbxw is actually AA sober at the moment - when MIL couldn't go more than a month - (counting 28 days in rehab) without hittin' the sauce with a vengeance).

So odds are that my stbxuBPDw will someday end up like my BPDMIL on her 4th husband and crazier than a rat in a coffee can.

[slop]

3 months of NC and now... .CONTACT!

She's the one who went NC, and kept it (I reached out to her 3x during the 3 months) until just before Christmas when she called me to wish me a merry Christmas. It was fine, as I feel like I've been able to move on. As I pointed out in my original post, I know she's not doing well, what wiht the DUI, which she obviously didn't tell me about.  But she did mention how she might be leaving her job because she "doesn't like it anymore", which is BS since it's a great job most people will kill for, but I'm pretty sure they're asking her to leave because of her DUI and frequent absenses, due to her being such a hot mess.

I'm acutally glad for the contact, as it really does help me to move on better than before. The girl I've kinda' been seeing for the last month is suddenly more desirable to me.

I think what it is with BPD cases is that the highs are definitely higher than the highs in relationships with healthy people, but the lows are frighteningly lower. To some people it can be an acceptable trade-off, to others, not so much.

[dragonfly13]

So what is best for me is to wish her the best.  I loved her the best that i knew how at the time, and she loved me the best that she knew how at the time.   And I still love her so much that I've started to cry right now.

But, now when I love someone, even non-romantically, it's clearer, purer, and deeper.  I now have a much greater capacity for human connection.  That's a gift from her. 

So pathetic and sad.  She deserves my compassion because all she really feels is the pain, shame and terror.  I should give her my compassion, because I can, and because it helps me be better and stronger.

I do feel bad for her, but it goes to show, they are never the ones who are doing better after the break up, EVER.  They are always miserable, and they always will be - because they themselves are the source of their misery. And they are also the source of our misery as well.

Lesson being, if you still want them back, remind yourself how you were only miserable with them, they will always be miserable, with or without you and how you're so much better off without them.

And your words are a gift to me.  Thank you for helping me to change my thinking even a little bit today.

[slop]

Just wanted to update on this.

Short version, while we didn't go back to "dating", we were hanging out again, trying to be friends. But something was different about her. She was far more closed off and distant.  BUT, she was also sober - she wouldn't drink, but then wouldn't tell me why either. Oh, she had also taken up smoking which was so out of left field for someone like her who's "healthy", a yoga instructor, etc. But then, everyone in AA smokes, right?

Anyways, out of nowhere, she goes NC again - this time, I didn't really care, which felt hiting great. But, I was concerned about her, as I would be for any friend.  I tried reaching out to her, with no ulterior motive but but to be a friendly support, but she stuck to NC, which was baffling, but whatever. I was dating, and I was in a good place.

So a little bit after that, I hear she got popped for a 2nd DUI... . and around these parts, a 2nd DUI is automatic jail for 30-90 days.  She is your pro-typical, blond-haired, blue-eyed pretty Southern California babe in her late 20s - she will not do well in jail.

I actually feel really bad for her, but maybe this is what she needs to move on. I'm just glad I'm not in the middle of all this, and I'm sure she's roped in some poor dude and he's having to deal with all this, and my heart goes out to him as well.

Oh, and I'm seeing a wonderful girl right now - no BPD, no issues, she's legitimately into me, and not because how I make her feel about herself. Makes me wonder why I put up with what I did.

So, point being, like before, be glad you're rid of you BPD-ex, even if it wasn't your choice, because it will NOT work out, and there IS better out there.

[Octoberfest]

The hard part about this sort of thing for me is that for all the hurt and pain my BPDex caused me, it STILL hurts me to see or know of them hurting.  I guess I don't get any satisfaction from knowing that they are still suffering and having broken relationships.  It's made worse by the fact that I know her and her life well enough that I can forsee the outcome of a lot of the things she does; including her current relationship.  It won't last.


Thinking about it, I think that a lot of us might be in that boat.  I think many of us stayed for so long with our BPD's because we felt compassion for them, and wanted to be the ones to "fix" them.  To make them happy.


A commonality with another poster in this thread; My BPDex HATES her mother (who is likely an undiagnosed BPD) and does not want to be like her.

Yet, the choices she has made thus far will do nothing but lead her to walk the same path.


Yet another poster in this thread has it right- Feeling compassion for my BPDex is going to make me a strong person.  There is a difference between being able to feel compassion for someone for the struggles and adversities they face, and falling back into the "I am going to be the rescuer" role.  Granted, it can be a dangerous line to walk.  But I think one that I need to.

[cska]

The hard part about this sort of thing for me is that for all the hurt and pain my BPDex caused me, it STILL hurts me to see or know of them hurting.  I guess I don't get any satisfaction from knowing that they are still suffering and having broken relationships.  It's made worse by the fact that I know her and her life well enough that I can forsee the outcome of a lot of the things she does; including her current relationship.  It won't last.

Octoberfest, I feel exactly the same way. Granted I don't want to see her happy with another guy because I did everything I could to make her happy, and was compassionate to her even through her abuse. But more than anything I want her to do well in her life, and it kills me to think that she might be unhappy. I really want her to be happy.

[slop]

I hope I didn't give the impression that I don't feel compassion for her and her plight. I do, very much so.  I loved her, still do in a way, and she'll always have a place in my heart.

But I'm glad to have gotten to the point where I can remove myself from within her destruction-zone, especially after realizing that there's really nothing I can do about it, especially if she doesn't want me to.

The point of knowing how low she's fallen isn't about me being vindictive or feeling a sense of schadenfreude. It's accepting the reality of the situation, the sickness and allowing that realization to sink in better, so I can have some sense of closure and move on better.

Not gonna lie though, even with this new, healthy relationship, if my BPD-ex called me up to reengage, I would be very tempted to do so - not saying I would, just that it wouldn't be an easy choice either way.

[babyducks]

But it's all irrelevant.  My ex lives with BPD.  Which means that no matter how functioning or non-functioning she seems to be, that her basic state of mind is that of a terrified mentally limited three-year old living in the horrors of the very real nightmare of her existence.   She might be in the temporary high of finding a new object of attachment (just like we were for the first four months), but the disorder always wins.

I think back now and reflect upon the times that I screamed at her, not necessarily unjustified in my world, but from her perspective I was just terrorizing a scared three year old, and threatening her with her greatest nightmare, which is that I might leave her.  And even sadder, she really didn't even understand why I was mad.  She didn't have the capacity to process how her actions had a negative and destructive effect on my life. 

So today, i honestly pray that she's happier with her new BF.  I pray that all the happiness that I wanted for me and her, now go to her and her new BF.  It's hard and sometimes I don't feel it, and when they get married it will hurt like hell.  And having seen them in a hammock together almost killed me.  But I still try and pray for them because I know that she's just the terrified three-year old whose self-awareness is comparable to an autistic child.  And if she can't find safety, consistency and some form of happiness with her current BF, she might end up broken, raped, and worse.

But mostly I pray for her happiness and for her to feel safe, because I know that in the long run it's better for me.  I would never be able to take her back now, without her having gone through the self-realization of abandonment depression, but that's never going to happen with her.  The disorder always wins.

So what is best for me is to wish her the best.  I loved her the best that i knew how at the time, and she loved me the best that she knew how at the time.   And I still love her so much that I've started to cry right now.

But, now when I love someone, even non-romantically, it's clearer, purer, and deeper.  I now have a much greater capacity for human connection.  That's a gift from her.  She leave us with nothing but more pain, and bad memories of a hated controlling abusive ex-partner who she barely remembers and never mourned.  It maybe not entirely a correct assessment of the realities of our interaction, but it’s the absolute the truth from her perspective.  It's all she knows, which is paint me black and move on.

So pathetic and sad.  She deserves my compassion because all she really feels is the pain, shame and terror.  I should give her my compassion, because I can, and because it helps me be better and stronger.

Schroeder's Piano,

Thank you so very much for this.  I feel like it could have been explicitly written for me.  You have helped me create a goal for myself and a path forward.   A positive goal and a hopeful path forward.   Bless you.

babyducks

[afterdeath]

Yeah, and while I was taken aback by her arrest, I wasn't that surprised by her DUI. She never drove drunk when I was with her, but she certainly abused alcohol and stuff, as a lot BPD people do (even after I would plead with her not to - she'd say she'll give it up, but it wouldn't last for more than a day or two). So I guess she just didn't have someone to take her home like I used to (it helped that we lived very close to each other), and she got nabbed. I guess that's better than getting in an accident while drunk.

Still, I won't be shocked if she gets another DUI within the next few years.  This, among other things, reveal how she's just continuing to spiral downwards.  And since I'm now observing from the outside, I can totally see, with great clarity, how it's all her own doing, and not stuff that "just happens" to her, like she used to complain about.  I just hope I don't have to attend her funeral soon. But if I do, I'll know I did all I could do to prevent it.

Could you touch on the fact that BPD seem to abuse alcohol? I find that fascinating because before I found out about BPD I blamed my exs actions on her consumption of alcohol a she used it as an excuse as to why she got pregnant to her babys father.

[Sharkey167]

So what is best for me is to wish her the best.  I loved her the best that i knew how at the time, and she loved me the best that she knew how at the time.   And I still love her so much that I've started to cry right now.

But, now when I love someone, even non-romantically, it's clearer, purer, and deeper.  I now have a much greater capacity for human connection.  That's a gift from her. 

So pathetic and sad.  She deserves my compassion because all she really feels is the pain, shame and terror.  I should give her my compassion, because I can, and because it helps me be better and stronger.

I do feel bad for her, but it goes to show, they are never the ones who are doing better after the break up, EVER.  They are always miserable, and they always will be - because they themselves are the source of their misery. And they are also the source of our misery as well.

Lesson being, if you still want them back, remind yourself how you were only miserable with them, they will always be miserable, with or without you and how you're so much better off without them.

And your words are a gift to me.  Thank you for helping me to change my thinking even a little bit today.

Ditto! It's how we should think but is often too painful for us to do so.

[Octoberfest]

Yeah, and while I was taken aback by her arrest, I wasn't that surprised by her DUI. She never drove drunk when I was with her, but she certainly abused alcohol and stuff, as a lot BPD people do (even after I would plead with her not to - she'd say she'll give it up, but it wouldn't last for more than a day or two). So I guess she just didn't have someone to take her home like I used to (it helped that we lived very close to each other), and she got nabbed. I guess that's better than getting in an accident while drunk.

Still, I won't be shocked if she gets another DUI within the next few years.  This, among other things, reveal how she's just continuing to spiral downwards.  And since I'm now observing from the outside, I can totally see, with great clarity, how it's all her own doing, and not stuff that "just happens" to her, like she used to complain about.  I just hope I don't have to attend her funeral soon. But if I do, I'll know I did all I could do to prevent it.

Could you touch on the fact that BPD seem to abuse alcohol? I find that fascinating because before I found out about BPD I blamed my exs actions on her consumption of alcohol a she used it as an excuse as to why she got pregnant to her babys father.

Certainly I am not psychologist, but the whole BPD-Alcohol thing seems pretty self explanatory to me.  It falls in line with their affinity for drug abuse and self harm, as well as promiscuity.

It all ties into how poorly they feel about themselves.  It really is no different than when you hear of other depressed people abusing alcohol- it is a means to escape the pain.

When your self worth is zero, and when sometimes even when you are in a relationship and loved dearly by someone you still feel like absolute hit about yourself, that you are not good enough, that no one really loves you, that you don't deserve to be loved by anyone, you are worthy of anything, you turn to whatever makes you FEEL anything.

My BPDex used to snort hydros to get high... .   In fact she did it here recently, she broke down and did it while on the phone with me before we "called it quits" for good (this is 2 weeks ago maybe).  I asked her how it made her feel;  she said she never felt as clear headed and focused as when she was high.  She also suffers from bipolar depression and GAD.  She said that for once, her mind was calm and not racing, not filled with thoughts of how she "messed that up" or how she "could have done that better".

When things got really, really bad, 2-3 times during our relationship, she would relapse and try to cut.  I was able to stop her except for once.  I asked her why she did it; what it possibly did for her.  Her exact words:

"When I hurt this badly, when I am this numb, its the only thing that makes me feel alive.  Feeling the blood flow, feeling the pain."

It is hard for us (me at least) as NON's to conceive of something like this... . then again, it is hard for most of us to conceive of having such an unstable and poor image of ourselves, or for that matter, most of what pwBPD think, feel and do.

Promiscuity is another avenue my ex turned to.  We talked about it a little, and she told me how her freshman year of college she had gone out and had a lot of one night stands.  She needed to feel wanted, that she was worth something, and that is how she accomplished it.  It makes me sad to think about, because in that primal need to feel validation, she had no sight of the implications of her actions.  The same need drove her to cheat on me; MOST all the cheating she did, with multiple other people, was emotional.  I was with her every day and every night, I know it was not physical (i.e. sleeping with).  She had different "emotional relationships" going on because she needed all the validation, all of the people telling her she is worth something she could get.

It is a matter of survival, in their eyes.

I consider myself blessed that I am not a prisoner to myself like my ex, and other BPD's are.  To search endlessly, for that "right person", the one who will make it all better, and seeming to never find them because it is YOU who gets in the way, would be heartbreaking, and honestly, life ending for me.

[slop]

So, I just realized that I have a real concern... .

This girl (w/ BPD) is now in jail due to her 2nd DUI. She's set to be released in a few weeks (under electronic monitoring). Now, I'm in a nice relationship with a nice, healthy, stable woman. BUT, my relationship with the Ex-BPD was so strong and intense, that I'm afraid that if she gets over her embarrassment of her predicament and decides to contact me and re-engage, I may be powerless to resist.  Key word being "MAY"... .

[Clearmind]

Choice is yours Slop! YOu have the power to resist or persist. What would you choose to do given the knowledge you have?

[HardTruth]

You were doing fine being friends with her and able to hang out with her as a friend, started dating your new gf, why would you feel the pull to re-engage now?  I'm a little confused.

[Undone123]

Man I want mine to hit rock bottom... . And I mean it with love. When mine split me black she was going to go to therapy. Because I made it a condition of returning to the relationship. That's no good. They have to do it because they want to, not because we have requested it... . Mine is pretending to be fine. I hope she actually went to therapy etc. despite our relationships demise, but I doubt it. The blames been laid at my door. So while she is pretending to be happy I just remember this:

She won’t change unless SHE wants to.

You can’t make her better.

She doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with her.

She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

[snappafcw]

Just another update I put this on my other thread but thought it would be more relevant here. I found out through a mutual friend last night that my exBPDgf Is no longer friends with her Best friend of years. apparently my ex has completely gone off the rails and they had a falling out. Surprisingly he also told me the old friend knows where she is going in life and that my ex seems very lost (classic BPD right there) He also wanted to tell me more I said its not my concern anymore I don't want it to interfere with my heeling so he just made a point of saying from what he has seen I can do a lot better.

I don't take satisfaction in that my ex is miserable. In fact it is the opposite but it is not my job to take her sorrow away from her. Hopefully she hits rock bottom so she will get the help she needs. I care very much for her but I let go with love a long time ago. i want nothing to drag me back.

[Murbay]

It's all about their perception but the reality is totally different.

When mine decided on the divorce, it was initially because we loved each other but love wasn't enough. It then went to being about everything I did wrong and she tried to manipulate arguments to fit in with her feelings. One of the hurtful and cutting things she said to me was about how her life was so great before she met me and that she had wonderful relationships with her previous exes.

The truth is much sadder than that though.

Miscarried at 15

Allegedly raped at 16 during a party, case was dropped which she said would happen because she was being discriminated against

Many abusive relationships (always their fault, even with me)

Suffered from eating disorders

Boasts about all the fights she got in to in her teens and 20's

Longest relationship was 9 years, only because mine was. Later found out it was constant recycles, never lasted more than 6 months in a relationship

Never moved out of her parents house and is still living there at 32, requiring constant validation from her mother, throwing temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way and considers everybody disrespectful if they don't agree with her

Paranoid that everybody at work is out to get her

Constant complaining about her colleagues one minute and then they are the best people in the world the next, until they disagree with her

Constant running from relationships which she used to refer to as having her running shoes on

Father of her daughter ran from the relationship and went NC, telling her she was broken and unlovable

Was involved with a movie star until he died from an overdose

Was in a psychiatric ward for 2 days 6 months prior to me meeting her, for stress and nervous breakdown. Considered herself "cured" after 2 days

Took 3 colleagues and her boss to a tribunal because she didn't like something they said, boss was taken for not standing up for her, case was dropped. Again, she felt discriminated against

Was told by a judge that she had to turn her life around or faced jail, irony being she asked the same judge to marry us

Constant anger against anyone who disagrees with her and boasts about how she is able to intimidate people

Medical "issues" that constantly keep her off of work when she is dysregulated

When she is sick, family members are called in to take care of her, usually about 3 or 4 adults at a time and about 3 or 4 times a year

Addiction to controlled drugs such as diazepam, oxycodone, percocet, dilaudid to name just a few

Extensive knowledge of BPD and NPD, but applies it to everybody else in her life because there is nothing wrong with her, it's always been "them"

Severe abandonment issues which she is fully aware of, but it is other people's responsibility to be mindful of those and work around them

$70k in debt despite not having to pay any bills, living at home with her parents

Despite being severely in debt, still flies first class and spends $10k on vacations 3 times a year.

Considers herself flawless, selfless, self-aware and doesn't have anything wrong with her

Everybody else is useless and the world wouldn't revolve if she didn't do everything

And that's just a short list  I have no doubts at all, just based on the last 2 things on that list that her life is going to continue down the very same path and her/my T completely agrees. He feels she has so many issues that it would be near impossible to resolve, even if she did seek help. He also feels that she will never move away from her mother, partly because her mother enables her, her father is useless and she doesn't act like an 8 year old, she is an 8 year old who has never had to grow up and missed almost all of the developmental milestones.

Do I think she will do great, not a chance. I wish her the best of luck and really hope things do work for her but it's a pattern that has occurred her entire life and isn't going to change anytime soon. I can see now looking at that list why her/my T commended me for staying in the relationship as long as I did. The scary thing is knowing all of those things, why I actually believed I could make the difference nobody else could 

[Undone123]

Man what is it with the mothers of the BPD? My exes mother is her biggest enabler... . My mother will call me up on things, if i've been out of line... . I have always been made responsible for my actions... . But my exes mother is just the same, enabling, never questions anything, and agrees with everything she does/says... .

Surely you would want as a mother, them to seek help. So call them up on their hit... . Before me, mine had an affair with a married man, and her nuts mother was like "ok just don't tell your father"... .

Are the mothers the controlling ones?

[SockMonkey]

All,

Thanks for your posts.  I thought I was crazy for having sympathy for my undiagnosed ex BPD (my T bets his career and license that my ex is either BPD or high on BPD traits).

He has a dangerous relationship with alcohol, but does not see it.  Prior to our meeting, he had more than one DU.

The kicker? He works for an alcoholic, his roommates drink a lot, and he along with them.  He may not be an alcoholic, but he is an abuser.