thinking about jealousy

[XL]

I've only recently begun seeing my uBPDmother's behavior as a form of jealousy. I used to think it was hermit/paranoia feelings that made her try to put limits on me, especially when it came to identity. She's threatened by me.

At my recent birthday party she pulls up this picture of one of my conservatory stage shows, shows my boyfriend, and then just starts in on the outfit I was wearing (a mildly feminine shirt and pants, it wasn't even anything slutty or bizarre. Most women wear stuff like that to the office). Just that "she can't forget that outfit" "she didn't recognize me in that outfit" "I wasn't the type to wear something so foofy", how I was "wearing so much shiny jewelry" how I'm "not the type to have my hair done", how "pink is such a weird color on you" (it wasn't even pink)  just ON AND ON with this tone of disturbed contempt in her voice. This is an outfit I wore 10 YEARS AGO. And she's saying this stuff directly to my boyfriend. In the middle of my own birthday party.

Worse, is that she completely forgot the point of the event, and had no commentary on my performance, program selection, the staging, my degree, the fact that I memorized 60 pages of music for that performance, did all of the transcriptions and song arrangements for the whole group myself, nor that I got an award, & a standing ovation, etc. Nope. Just how dumb my awful, feminine outfit looked on stage.

She really tried to railroad me into a dumpy, androgynous, sort of grunge fashion as a teen. All long jeans, all black. I could show up dressed like Marilyn Manson, just as long as I wasn't "pretty". She wanted me covered up and ugly. I think I internalized that a lot. I can get over it at nightclubs, but I feel really awkward and exposed in public. I can't just wear shorts or skirts out of the house and not feel like everyone is laughing. It took me a really long time to just start wearing COLOR, or clothes without holes in them.

This incident sort of proved my point. I'm sad and jealous for girls whose mothers took them to get their hair and nails done, or taught them how to dress for events. And confirmed that if I ever had a wedding she'd wreck it. And confirmed that she needs to stay away from my stage shows from now on. She's the opposite of a stage parent. She's not trying to live vicariously through me, she's trying to knock me down out of spite.

[BlueCat]

 

Funny, I also wore a lot of black and things with holes in them. My mother was more subtle about it, not insulating me directly but doing a lot of "slut shaming" of other people (on tv or IRL) and making clear her feelings on people who ever wore anything nice or (heaven forbid) makeup.

I think you're right in that it's jealousy. I think a lot of their issues are jealousy fueled by insecurity actually. You were getting attention that day and that's bad because SHE should be the one getting attention. If you get attention that means she's not worthy. Or something. So she finds a reason to knock you down.

Not inviting her is probably a good idea. I stopped showing my mother my writing for that reason. She just couldn't be supportive.

[XL]

You know, I never thought of that before but mine does a lot of entertainment slut shaming too, as you said. Making fun of people on TV's hair, outfits or makeup. She also does a lot of fitness shaming, where she makes fun of joggers or cyclists. However, she is really obstinate about eating better or exercise in her own life, so any jealousy there is her own fault.

Edit:

I think this has a lot to do with my anti-social attitudes. I'm not comfortable when people look at me. I don't like common guys hitting on me, and never have. I get insulted if someone makes any comment on any element of my appearance. I don't like having my picture taken. It's pretty bad, since I am in the performance arts. 

It wasn't just offhanded comments here and there. She'd have huge crying, screaming tantrums about things like nail polish, or my hair, etc. She also went through this phase where she'd only buy me clothes that were literally twice the dress size I wore, then throw tantrums when I'd return them.

[P.F.Change]

One day, my mother decided my jeans (which she saw me try on in the store and of which she chose to buy 3 pairs) were too tight, and went on an hour long rant about what a slut I was and how much sex I was (presumably) having with my boyfriend. The next week we were in the store and she thought I should buy a string bikini and called me a prude when I wouldn't try one on.   I think both incidents were 100% about projection. In your case, your mother very well could be jealous. But at any rate, she has decided that you are for denigrating and you are the one who needs to be publicly shamed for the awful act of actually being an adult woman. (gasp!) With tastes of her own. (hands to forehead!) Who has the audacity to dress herself. (Swoon!) Bullies tear others down so they can feel higher up.

Your mother is who she is, which is who she always has been. She is likely to continue to be this way. You cannot control that, and no amount of wishing or frustration will change it. The only thing you can control is your own space. You get to decide whether your guests are allowed to insult you in your home, at your own party. You get to decide how people are allowed to treat you. The things your mother does are hurtful, and it is understandable that you would be angry. However, you are the one with the power here. You can stop waiting for her to change, and start changing you. What are your thoughts about your boundaries? What kind of treatment will you accept from the people you invite into your life?


Wishing you peace,

PF

[Sasha026]

Worse, is that she completely forgot the point of the event, and had no commentary on my performance, program selection, the staging, my degree, the fact that I memorized 60 pages of music for that performance, did all of the transcriptions and song arrangements for the whole group myself, nor that I got an award, & a standing ovation, etc. Nope. Just how dumb my awful, feminine outfit looked on stage.

I would like to comment on your above statement. There is no clapping hands icon, but if there was, I would use it. I, for one, am very impressed by what you did. If I were your mother, I would be so proud! What a marvelous accomplishment! Wow... . just wow!

Obviously your mother has no idea about what goes into something like that and could care less... . she's too occupied with her own victim-hood and that it's not her up there on the stage, so, she has to knock you down. Typical. Jeez.

Don't pay any attention to her. You should be very proud of yourself. You sound like an accomplished musician who is very talented. No wonder she's whining! You are probably looked very pretty that night, as well. She doesn't know what she's missing out on... . she really doesn't. Being jealous of your accomplished child is insanely stupid.