How do people deal with jealousy and the push and pull of sexual relations?

[Bloomer]

My uBPD h identifies as bisexual (as do I). Our relationship started with an amazing sexual relationship that even continued via Skype before he moved in, as we were in different countries. Once I "fell from grace" problems started occurring. He didn't like the things he used to, I kissed too sloppily. We ended up looking for someone to date and though I felt it wasn't the right time since I was deeply depressed and things were not very good between us, he insisted I was just unwilling to embrace something really positive. A year later, we have a sort of girlfriend who I actually love very much. She also has BPD, diagnosed. HA! However, I've never seen her dysregulate and she's been a great source of comfort and has much more control and understanding since she was diagnosed over 10 years ago.

However, Even with having her, my husband insisted on pushing us being poly about 2 months ago. I again tried to tell him it wasn't a good time because I didn't feel our relationship was stable and I didn't think it was a good time to be opening up yet but I was open to it in the future. At this point I had finally started exploding myself after dealing with his rages for a year and recovering from my depression despite the never-ending stress. He also brought up thinking he might be BPD just before this. We fought constantly for a week straight until I realized it might be really wonderful to date other people and I didn't even care if it ended our marriage. A day into being on OK Cupid, I had hundreds of messages and was already getting dates and he started feeling uncomfortable. Finally after another two days of arguing, he was blindsided when he understood how much anger I had and what a "bad time" this would be to open up our relationship (even the book we read stated that your relationship should be 'solid' before you do this). He then feared I would end up finding someone and go outside our boundaries since I had so much anger built up that I needed to deal with.

He still identifies as polyamorous and hopes after therapy and stability are found that we can open up our marriage. I remain open to the idea but honestly can't imagine how he'll handle this. He is very attractive and flirtatious with friends, which is still annoying but I know it just is how he is. I like flirting but there are some things that just seem disrespectful. I no longer "fear" him cheating or leaving me though. I think it would hurt but I'd be fine. And if he still wants to open up eventually, I'm 8 years younger and built like a 1950's pinup. So, I think I'll find dates easily enough and I have a feeling he might change his mind once his fear of abandonment kicks in again. So I'm willing to do things either way. I'm fine being monogamous but I would certainly embrace going on dates with people who would never dysregulate on me!

Right now he feels I don't initiate sex enough. Though he hasn't had a rage during sex in a while, it happened a lot when he first moved here. All of the criticism certainly wasn't a turn on and didn't make me particularly fond of initiating. One trigger was that I initiated too much for a while. Now I don't initiate enough. And when I do initiate, he often isn't in the mood. And then I don't suggest enough things or I change positiions too often. Or this or that. It's just not really relaxing for me. I went from feeling jealous of our girl friend to embracing when she's there because he never dysregulates in the middle and I get to be with someone who has never criticized me in bed.

I realize I sound very resentful in this post. And to be honest I am. I'm working through these feelings in therapy but right now I'm just trying to find the silver lining to get me through. Sorry if I sound like an awful person. I love my husband and want this to work. I also want to survive this whether we stay together or not and I've found that changing my thinking is the only way to get me through.

How do other people deal with jealousy and the push and pull of sexual relationships with their BPD S/Os?

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[careman]

How do other people deal with jealousy and the push and pull of sexual relationships with their BPD S/Os?

Bloomer

There's a thread on the subject here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=181763.0;topicseen

[Bloomer]

Thank you!

[Grey Kitty]

Right now he feels I don't initiate sex enough. Though he hasn't had a rage during sex in a while, it happened a lot when he first moved here. All of the criticism certainly wasn't a turn on and didn't make me particularly fond of initiating. One trigger was that I initiated too much for a while. Now I don't initiate enough. And when I do initiate, he often isn't in the mood. And then I don't suggest enough things or I change positiions too often. Or this or that. It's just not really relaxing for me. I went from feeling jealous of our girl friend to embracing when she's there because he never dysregulates in the middle and I get to be with someone who has never criticized me in bed.

I think this is a case for accepting him as he is... . and knowing that he isn't going to be consistent, including being able to to say both that you don't initiate sex enough and that you do it too much... . completely believing it each time, and somehow not realizing he's contradicting himself.

And I know how much it hurts to be criticized / raged at during sex, and what a turn off it is. 

[Bloomer]

I think this is a case for accepting him as he is... . and knowing that he isn't going to be consistent, including being able to to say both that you don't initiate sex enough and that you do it too much... . completely believing it each time, and somehow not realizing he's contradicting himself.

And I know how much it hurts to be criticized / raged at during sex, and what a turn off it is. 

You're right. I need to remember it isn't me and he really felt each of those things at separate times. I feel like things have gotten better since he brought that up last. I have been trying to initiate more and I'm working on my own insecurities. While they resulted from some of his actions, they are still my feelings to own and get over. Sometimes it's just so depressing that we went from having the best sexual relationship to a very strained one. This also probably hits some chords for me since I've had problems with past lovers not initiating often (or really ever). So, my insecurities have sort of been created by others and reinforced here.