How do you handle these depression moods

[benny2]

We've had a pretty good weekend. Hung out all weekend, made breakfast this morning, everything seemed fine until now. He called me and there was just dead silence on the phone. He goes throw these periods of quietness. I never know how to take this or how to respond. I asked him why he was so quiet and he said it was because his back was hurting. I know theres something else. Could he be pushing me away again?  Could it be fathers day? He was talking about his a dad a lot last night and this morning. His dad passed 2 years ago. I texted him and told him I know he's feeling down and just wanted to let him know I love him. Not sure if this was the right to do since we are not exchanging the I Love you's  at this point, but he did not respond. Hope I did not push him away further by saying that. I just don't know how to react when this happens. The many moods of BPD are so hard to handle.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byasliver]

Sounds like he might have been baiting you for something else or that maybe he's just not ready to share what is on his mind. Either way, sounds like you did the right thing. You gave gentle reassurance then let him have the space he was indicating (either consciously or subconsciously) that he wanted. 

[benny2]

bysilver, what do you mean by baiting me for something else?

[byasliver]

I'm falling asleep at my computer now - too tired to give an adequate response but I promise to get back to you in the morning. The short answer is this: pwBPD will sometimes get silent while clearly acting upset to get their partner to ask questions as a way of drawing them into an argument. They need an outlet for their feelings and are unable to express them in healthier ways (not all the time but sometimes). Starting an argument with someone is a way to release their frustrations and feel a sense of control and power at a time when they feel helpless.

[123Phoebe]

I asked him why he was so quiet and he said it was because his back was hurting. I know theres something else. Could he be pushing me away again?  Could it be fathers day?

The many moods of BPD are so hard to handle.

He said his back was hurting?  'What happened?  Was it twisted somehow?  ((listen for response))  Aw okay, wow, hope it feels better soon!'

People get quiet sometimes, it's perfectly normal.  I try to take things at face value and not read too much into it

Not everything a pwBPD does is disordered.  Sometimes it's my stuff seeping in... .

[nomoremommyfood]

bysilver, what do you mean by baiting me for something else?

I hope I can help, here. One of my all-time biggest fights with my boyfriend occurred during a similar situation a few years ago. He was depressed and I called him to chat. He kept giving short answers then long silences, but wouldn't just end the conversation like a normal person who wanted to get off the phone. I awkwardly grabbed at conversational straws - stuff like stories in the news - and he wouldn't engage but wouldn't hang up. Eventually, I stumbled into the topic of governmental forms and he flipped into a rage at me for mentioning money... . a trigger. So he'd baited me by keeping me on the phone until I said something he could use as ammunition to have a tantrum. As said, it seems they sometimes NEED to scream at someone.

[123Phoebe]

bysilver, what do you mean by baiting me for something else?

I hope I can help, here. One of my all-time biggest fights with my boyfriend occurred during a similar situation a few years ago. He was depressed and I called him to chat. He kept giving short answers then long silences, but wouldn't just end the conversation like a normal person who wanted to get off the phone. I awkwardly grabbed at conversational straws - stuff like stories in the news - and he wouldn't engage but wouldn't hang up. Eventually, I stumbled into the topic of governmental forms and he flipped into a rage at me for mentioning money... . a trigger. So he'd baited me by keeping me on the phone until I said something he could use as ammunition to have a tantrum. As said, it seems they sometimes NEED to scream at someone.

Why did you awkwardly grab at conversational straws with someone who obviously wanted to get off the phone or wasn't into talking very much?

Had you ended the conversation sooner, would the all-time biggest fight been avoided?

We only have control of ourselves.

[benny2]

Yes I am definitely getting the impression that he could be trying to start something. He texted me back last night and said he's in pain and miserable. That's all. No phone calls or nothing. I think he's possible trying to get me to question his behavior so he can discard me and go silent for a while. My guess is his ex is coming. I'm also finding it hard to believe he is in such tremendous pain when he was cutting and splitting wood on sat. I know he has constant ailments so you never know what is real and what is made up for what ever reason. I'm not giving him what he wants this time, I am just leaving it alone and going about my business. I know this song and dance all to well. I question him and he rages and spits me black until he needs me again.

[123Phoebe]

I'm also finding it hard to believe he is in such tremendous pain when he was cutting and splitting wood on sat.

Could he have twisted his back somehow by cutting and splitting wood?  Perhaps he is exaggerating the pain, I don't know; you know him best.  Is there a chance that he's being on the up and up though and that this has nothing to do with his ex coming around?

Is it fair to either one of you to have these (lack of... . ) trust issues to this degree?

What is it that you'd like help sorting through?

[Cloudy Days]

My husband does this same thing sometimes. He texts most of the time though. We seem to get along better through texts. I've had these phone calls from him that from this thread I now completely understand. He will call, and act uninterested in the conversation, just sound very down and like he doesn't care, usually says he doesn't feel good too. I'm not the type of person that can carry a conversation. So if he acts like this I just try to get off the phone. That act is usually what triggers him. He sees it as me not wanting to talk to him. Now I see it as a way to unleash on me. I have also tried staying on the phone with him and making small talk only for him to find something to blow up about too. He knows that we don't get along over the phone and we don't call each other hardly ever unless it's needed. Apparently that means whenever he feels the need to fight. He will out of the blue get so mad at me because I never call him. But we agreed that texting keeps the peace better. It's exhausting trying to figure out what to do, they change their tone so many times.

[benny2]

No he claimed to have hurt his back on Friday. He could have aggravated it sat by spitting wood. I am not saying that his pain is not real, but the way he is acting right now is telling me there is more behind it. Time will tell I guess, but for now I'm just ignoring it and going about my business.

[Murbay]

Benny2, I completely understand your frustrations in terms of questioning the injuries and will say, you just have to trust your judgement in terms of knowing the dance.

It was one of the more frustrating elements of my ex too, she was constantly in pain for something and although I knew there was some element of truth behind it, her actions just didn't seem to fit what she was saying.

She injured her back, twisting last year and that injury was real. It became my fault because had I been there at the time, it never would have happened. The injury then became life threatening to her, in as far as she couldn't walk, took time off work, wasn't able to hug me because she was in so much pain, taking lots of prescription meds, under the impression that one false move would paralyse her and I had a lot of compassion for the pain she stated she was in and accepted the rages that came with that pain.

What I questioned was that despite everything she was saying, when she was angry, she would throw things around the house, storm out of the room kicking things, being annoyed with the children because there was a toy laying around on the floor that wasn't where it should be, bending down to pick it up, even going to a theme park and on all the rides. Any attempt to question it was met with "well if you did more to help me, I wouldn't have to do these things" and that I was the one making her doing them and making her injury worse.

It's hard to have compassion for someone when watching their actions doesn't match up to what you are being told and that it usually projected back as being uncaring or being responsible for their injury. Truth be told, if I was injured and was doing those things, I would still be injured and therefore even though I could complete the tasks, I wouldn't be doing them like there was nothing wrong. So I do understand your feelings about him exaggerating the pain, especially when they go and do something which we all know would only make the situation worse.

Many times, I too questioned what was real and what wasn't. I knew there was some element of truth behind the injury but was convinced it wasn't to the degree it was being said it was. My T agreed too and that in my case, it was her way of trying to lay on the guilt, assert the control and fall into the victim role to be taken care of. The funny thing was, if I was ever injured and stated I had an injury, there was no compassion or empathy and I would be met with "Just get over it, look at what I do when I'm injured" For me though, it is never about wanting someone to take care of me, it is explaining that I might not be 100% effective at that moment in time and do what I need to do to heal.

ignoring it and getting on with your own business is the right way to go about things. His injury is not your responsibility, there is nothing wrong with showing kindness or compassion but if he is going out to do something that only makes the injury worse, that's where the kindness and compassion stops. As an adult, he should be responsible for himself and it is not your responsibility to heal him.

[benny2]

I agree murbay, but I think there is more behind it than just sympathy seeking. He is pushing me away again. I'm just keeping very low key, answering his texts briefly and going about my business. I have offered to come over with a heating pad and he declined. There's not much I can do at this point. Everything is always about him. Everything. He turns every conversation around himself. It must be awful to be so self absorbed. He can come and go as he pleases, and I'm always there for him. I get his groceries because he can't handle that, I take off work to go with him to his doctor appointment because he can't go alone, but suddenly there's an ailment and he can't see me. I want so badly to tell him to take a hike, but I'm biting my tongue this time. Its not easy.