Still find myself wanting to control things

[coworkerfriend]

HI - I haven't been around much since my previous bad time in March.  Just to let everyone know - I have a personal and professional relationship with my pwBPD.  We had a really difficult March but I am glad to say that I have made a few changes within myself and I haven't fallen into the circular fights that I used to.  I have gained an acceptance of him being who he is and have walked away from some of the fights/rages that we used to get into.

Last week was a particularly hard week for me.  I have been overworked and very emotional.  My pwBPD doesn't do well when I am not strong.  He struggles quite a bit and can't support me.  I made sure that I left the room or the office as he started to dyregulate.  We spent the entire week talking - I validated and if he was beginning to rage, I would leave.  I guess he had an extremely intense therapy session this week.  We haven't talked about it but it was super draining on him and he is going back sooner than he normally does to follow up.He was really off all week.  The rage this week was IDENTICAL to the rage in March.  It was freaky that the issue that triggered him was the exact same issue and that his arguments were the same. 

I kept my distance during this but I find myself slipping back into trying to control the situation.  My logical brain knows that I can't fix this, I can't control it but I get really worn out by it.  I want to make sure things are smooth and nothing will upset him today.  I know that is not possible.


I guess I just posted for some support from people I know understand.  I needed to write this out to help me get it out of my head. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

CWF ... . all I can say is, do what you did last time!  You handled it brilliantly.  You are a Staying success story.  I know going through it it feels uncertain and harder than you can ever remember that it was before, but you've succeeded before and you know exactly how.  This time you are clicking into "I can't control it" even sooner than you did in March.  You'll make it, meaning, you'll still be you & will still be there intact on the other side, no matter what he does now.  Just keep your steady hand on the wheel.  You know what you're doing & it "works."  Meaning, it saves you.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you P&C - I have a hard time having any perspective as to whether we are a success or not.  it took me back to read what you posted.   I think I should try to give myself a bit of credit but when we are immersed in the dysreguation, it is hard to see clearly.

I do feel like this time - I handled it differently. I left the office.  I stopped trying to defend or explain.  I am coming to a clearer realization and acceptance that he will have bad periods.  There is nothing I can do to prevent or stop them from happening.  He will tell me it is over and we are done but he doesn't leave. I am not taking his words to heart as I used to.

[Rockylove]

I am not taking his words to heart as I used to.

  That's wonderful!