My Introduction: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[upinthenorthend]

Hi all,

I am coming to this board as a caregiver/sibling of a man with BPD. This is our story:

My brother, S, likely has BPD and ADD with comorbid anxiety. He is turning 30 this year and hasn't had a stable job in over a decade. He was living at home with my parents who enabled his behavioural problems by saying "help has to come from him" and "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." Well, they didn't help but not in the ways they thought.

Things came to a head two years ago. I had my first child - a beautiful baby boy - and three days later my mother became ill. She was diagnosed with an acute type of cancer and died when my son was just 7 days old. My husband and I live 700 miles away and couldn't see her or say goodbye before she died.  My brother and father were the only ones there, and my brother witnessed what was her incredibly gruesome death. He had a brief (I think) period of psychotic paranoia where he was concerned the police would blame him for our mother's death because he brought her salt for the hospital food.

A difficult year of grieving passed for them. My brother and father grew increasingly short with each other and are now effectively estranged. Six months ago my father couldn't afford to care for my brother any more - emotionally or financially - and moved away leaving nowhere for my brother to go. What was to be done? He had to move in with us.

The original plan was short term: 2 or 3 months to give him a break and get him a job so he could get on his feet and start becoming independent. Sadly, without education or work experience, getting a job is incredibly difficult and he continues to place unrealistic limits on what kind of work he is willing to do.

It's been six months now and my husband has had enough. He tells me that he's become depressed and can't even be at home without stressing about my brother. I, too, have felt the emotional impact of having a BPD person in my household and the helplessness and frustration that breeds. I have effectively become a second mother to my brother while learning how to be an actual mother myself. I want to protect my little family, and myself, but feel like I can't abandon my brother. The stress of putting him out on the street is too much for me, but we have had to set a date for him to leave because we cannot enable his behaviour and lack of action any more. I feel guilty everywhere I turn.

I haven't been able to grieve myself because I've been "mothering" both my father and brother for the past two years - as well as my two year old son. I feel like the delay of the grieving process is only going to make it worse in the long run. I hope that isn't the case.

Mainly, I feel like I'm being forced to choose between my family (husband, son) and my brother. I know the choice I will make, but this is a lose-lose situation. I strongly believe Brother is not ready or able to support himself, and welfare is not enough to pay rent and eat. He refuses to seek help, claiming a distrust for therapists and doctors. I've tried begging, pleading, bribing, ultimatums... . he will not seek help and I'm in way over my head.

So that's where I'm at. I hope this forum can help and offer some solace and advice and support. Frankly, it's all I've got left.

[catnap]

  upinthenorthend

I am so glad that you have found us.  You have been under pressure for quite some time.  A new baby (congratulations on your beautiful son!) and then having a brother with BPD move in. 

Have you are your husband thought about seeking a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD to help you cope?  Many of our members, including myself, find it very helpful. 

There are ways to learn how to more effectively communicate with someone with this disorder:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth


There are 2 boards I can suggest that you check and see which one/and are both that is the best fit for you. 

b][L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board[/b]

I am suggesting this board because some of the parents have been faced with having to no longer let their adult child live at home and you have been more or less placed in the parenting role for your brother.

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

Please keep reading and posting. . . we are here to help.

catnap

[Grey Kitty]

I just wanted to say   and welcome, upinthenorthend

You've already got good direction into this forum from catnap. It is a very supportive place.

I'll add one other link that is helpful:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Have you and/or your H set any deadlines on when your brother has to move out?

Hang in there! Things really can get better.

 GK

[Cumulus]

Hi upinthnorthend, your story really touched me. I can't begin to imagine how torn you must feel with so many people needing you. How do you ever find enough of you to go around. I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I can appreciate that you have not been able to grieve for her as it sounds like you stepped into her role in addition to your own role as wife and new mother.

Many of us who post here are of the care taker personality, myself included. The beginning of changing my life actually began after reading a paragraph in a book that said, " you are not totally, completely and irrevocably responsible for everyone and everything... . that's my job, God." 

I hope this site provides you with the information and tools to help you in your understanding and decision making. All the best.

PS. Is baby sleeping through the night yet?  Do take care of yourself.

[NowhereFast]

Hello, and welcome, upinthnorthend. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you've already been through so much over the past couple of years, and I can imagine you feel like you're at the end of your rope. I hope you can find the tools and support you need to help you through this.

It's never easy to turn your back on someone you love, but it sounds like your brother is just hopping from one enabling situation to another. And whatever his problems may be, you and your family have a right to live your lives. You have a husband and toddler to think about as well, and it sounds like the current situation isn't working for anyone anymore.

You will find in reading these boards and through other resources that a big part of maintaining relationships with pwBPD is setting boundaries. You have begged your brother to get help, but he refuses to do so. But at some point, he needs to take responsibility for his illness and his life. You (and your husband) can't be expected to take care of him and support him for the rest of his life, particularly if he isn't willing to take the smallest steps to try and help himself.

I wish you luck with your difficult situation, and please be sure you're taking care of yourself in the process!