Totally Bewildered Yet Again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

So I'd gone around a month without speaking to my BPDex and then I suddenly get an email from her last week.  Some background, I broke up with her back in April and have tried (w a few major slip ups) to maintin N.C. ever since.   The biggest obstacle has been the fact she attends a Depression support group I go to every Tuesday night.  And we all meet at a coffee shop.  Like I said, I'd basically maintained N.C. since mid - May.  

Anyway, in the email she says she still loves me and thinks about me every day.  Says it's upsetting her that I treat her like a stranger at our support group.   The fact is, she emailed me in mid-May after I unfriended her on Facebook saying she was tired of my games and that she'd never contact me again.  She ended it with "Have a nice life."  So now in this recent email she's all apologetic and saying she wants to be friends.  Says she doesn't want to be in a relationship but missed me terribly.  B.S., b.s, etc... . I can't remember all the details.  

So I consult some of my friends and my therapist who all say ignore her email.  But then I start to feel bad because she clamed it's upsetting her being around me on Tuesday nights.   So like a f'in idiot I reply to her email.  My "don't engage" rule goes out the window.   Here's the text of my email ( removed her name):  

No I don't want to be your friend.  Go back and re-read that “have a nice life” email you sent me.  That was the moment our friendship ended and we became strangers.  The reason I mailed it to you because I knew you’d try some “let’s be friends” bullsh** a few weeks later.  That email upset me deeply and I'm just now getting over it.

I accept your apology.  I forgive you, but I can’t forget the pain you caused me.  I only go to (the support group) on Tuesdays nights so if it's uncomfortable to be around me just go on Thursdays.  

Please don’t contact me again.   I've left you alone like you asked and I expect you to do the same.

*****

She didn't reply.  So I'm thinking she'll skip Tuesday group now because it makes her so upset to be around me.  Wrong!  She was there last night flirting with some new guy at the coffee shop.  (She dates a lot of members from the group).  She sits right up front so I'll see them together.  She leaves with him.  And makes sure to swing by my table so I see them leaving together.  Not ready for a relationship?  Looks like to me she's moving on just fine.    

Anyway, so now I'm pissed.  She's so manipulative and I'm aware she was just trying to make me jealous.  But it still makes me angry.  I'm mad at myself for replying to her email and adding fuel to the fire.  I should have just ignored it.  Instead of continuing this "toxic dance."  I think like most pwBPD she's so disconnected from her behavior that her words don't mean anything.  She'll write "I'm not ready for a relationship" and then 3 days later she's seeing some new guy.  It's just absolutely crazy the lengths she'll go to in an effort to either a) get me back or b) punish me for leaving her.  

Lastly, since we've broken up I blocked her phone no, her email & her Facebook.   She sent the email from an alternate address!   I go to the support group once/wk because it's important to me & I attended for 3 years before she showed up.  I refuse to stop going just because she's crazy.    

[detachwlove]

Hello everyone,

So I'd gone around a month without speaking to my BPDex and then I suddenly get an email from her last week.  Some background, I broke up with her back in April and have tried (w a few major slip ups) to maintin N.C. ever since.   The biggest obstacle has been the fact she attends a Depression support group I go to every Tuesday night.  And we all meet at a coffee shop.  Like I said, I'd basically maintained N.C. since mid - May.  

Anyway, in the email she says she still loves me and thinks about me every day.  Says it's upsetting her that I treat her like a stranger at our support group.   The fact is, she emailed me in mid-May after I unfriended her on Facebook saying she was tired of my games and that she'd never contact me again.  She ended it with "Have a nice life."  So now in this recent email she's all apologetic and saying she wants to be friends.  Says she doesn't want to be in a relationship but missed me terribly.  B.S., b.s, etc... . I can't remember all the details.  

So I consult some of my friends and my therapist who all say ignore her email.  But then I start to feel bad because she clamed it's upsetting her being around me on Tuesday nights.   So like a f'in idiot I reply to her email.  My "don't engage" rule goes out the window.   Here's the text of my email ( removed her name):  

No I don't want to be your friend.  Go back and re-read that “have a nice life” email you sent me.  That was the moment our friendship ended and we became strangers.  The reason I mailed it to you because I knew you’d try some “let’s be friends” bullsh** a few weeks later.  That email upset me deeply and I'm just now getting over it.

I accept your apology.  I forgive you, but I can’t forget the pain you caused me.  I only go to (the support group) on Tuesdays nights so if it's uncomfortable to be around me just go on Thursdays.  

Please don’t contact me again.   I've left you alone like you asked and I expect you to do the same.

*****

She didn't reply.  So I'm thinking she'll skip Tuesday group now because it makes her so upset to be around me.  Wrong!  She was there last night flirting with some new guy at the coffee shop.  (She dates a lot of members from the group).  She sits right up front so I'll see them together.  She leaves with him.  And makes sure to swing by my table so I see them leaving together.  Not ready for a relationship?  Looks like to me she's moving on just fine.    

Anyway, so now I'm pissed.  She's so manipulative and I'm aware she was just trying to make me jealous.  But it still makes me angry.  I'm mad at myself for replying to her email and adding fuel to the fire.  I should have just ignored it.  Instead of continuing this "toxic dance."  I think like most pwBPD she's so disconnected from her behavior that her words don't mean anything.  She'll write "I'm not ready for a relationship" and then 3 days later she's seeing some new guy.  It's just absolutely crazy the lengths she'll go to in an effort to either a) get me back or b) punish me for leaving her.  

Lastly, since we've broken up I blocked her phone no, her email & her Facebook.   She sent the email from an alternate address!   I go to the support group once/wk because it's important to me & I attended for 3 years before she showed up.  I refuse to stop going just because she's crazy.    

[danley]

I think your email said how you felt. It was honest.

I think you're far ahead of her and maintaining control. It does get annoying with the things they say and do. Whether it be total ignorance of the wrong they've done or trying to get your attention thru childish ways. I think you are in a better place than her. Don't let her tactics get the better of you and drag you back down. Also I'd think about going to different therapy group. I would find it hard to heal in a place meant to heal when the person who's causing you angst is there. I know you've said you've been there for three years but she's obviously intruding on your space.

[detachwlove]

I think your email said how you felt. It was honest.

I think you're far ahead of her and maintaining control. It does get annoying with the things they say and do. Whether it be total ignorance of the wrong they've done or trying to get your attention thru childish ways. I think you are in a better place than her. Don't let her tactics get the better of you and drag you back down. Also I'd think about going to different therapy group. I would find it hard to heal in a place meant to heal when the person who's causing you angst is there. I know you've said you've been there for three years but she's obviously intruding on your space.

I regret replying to her email only because it continues the "toxic dance" between me and her.  That's why No Contact is so important.  She wants us to continue to argue and tear each other down until both our lives are destroyed.  (Her's is a train wreck). 

Giving up the support group sucks.  Mainly because I'm actually diagnosed with Depression and it helps me immensely.  Where as she has BPD and uses the group as a pickup joint.  It's like her social playground.  I may just have to stop going to the coffee afterwards.  Because that's when she stares at me and paces around the table I sit at.  The actual meeting itself divides up into 3 smaller groups.  So I'm able to avoid her in there.  

She could care less that her attending that meeting is driving me crazy.  As usual, it's all about her.   She's the most selfish person I've ever encountered.