Feel like a Miserable Failure

[martillo]

I have been attending Al-Anon for several months, running for my pysical and mental health, volunteering, started my kids in family counseling, working on setting boundaries and trying to not JADE, trying to learn to validate, and still, I allow myself to be drawn into the swirling vortex and I end up acting like a fool and looking stupid... . and he gets to gloat about what a horrible person I am. 

Feeling like a miserable failure... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You are here

Most partners are not

So you are already ahead of the pack

No matter how well you can utilize these tools here, you will still not be able to control your partner, so you will always fall short of the ideal result. That is the disorder not you.

This is also another form of radical acceptance. Accept the fact that you can only do your best and that is good enough, perfection is unattainable.

Accept also at times it will get you down, it will pass. Now is not forever, that is borderline thinking

[martillo]

Thank you, Waverider!  Trying to remember to take it one day at a time... . H has been spiraling out of control faster and faster for the past couple of years.  At this point, he is so filled w bitterness, hatred, rage and venom.  I am not perfect, but I do not believe I deserve the level of blame that he has determined is resulting in the "horribleness" in our marriage.  He essentially blames me for all our problems.

That being said, it does not excuse my response to him last night.  I am not going to stop working on myself, but I don't see it having a positive response on our relationship.  I have had too many episodes where I don't stand strong to whatever boundary I have set for myself and he succeeds in getting the "nasty" response he desires so I can be blamed.  I am responsible for my own behavior, so I can't blame him for my actions.  I am just tired of having my bear poked!  He is continuing the poking today.

Took a deep breath this morning and trying to stay focused on being healthy... .

[united for now]

Sometimes it helps to reframe how you view things. Not as "all bad" or "all good", but to work on the Middle stuff. Accepting your human flaws - and his struggle with BPD.

Keep reading and posting.

It helps 

[Mcgddss]

  I have had too many episodes where I don't stand strong to whatever boundary I have set for myself and he succeeds in getting the "nasty" response he desires so I can be blamed.  I am responsible for my own behavior, so I can't blame him for my actions.  I am just tired of having my bear poked!  He is continuing the poking today.

Took a deep breath this morning and trying to stay focused on being healthy... .

This sounds so much like my uBPDh.

What I now do when he is heavy into poking is take a 20 minute walk.  I tell him that I need a break and that I am going out for 20 minutes.

I then go out of the house and walk an come back promptly when I said I would.

Usually, he is calm and has moved on and doesn't need to talk about whatever he was poking me about.

Now I am just worried about what I am going to do when there is 12 inches of snow on the ground 

Keep your chin up!