Closure- the performace was tonight

[hell0kitty]

As you know, we had to take the BPDex to court to get D7 permission to perform in her end of year ballet performance.  After SO much drama, BPDmom crying her eyes out in court acting like this would ruin child's life if she did this performance, her hiring an attorney, getting ordered to mediation, etc etc... .

About 30 minutes prior to performance, BPDex shows up at theater with her new husband and buys tickets. We had a ton of family there and were supposed to meet BPD mom on other side of town after to drop her off, so we were going to go get a treat to celebrate with grandparents.  5 minutes before the show was over she texted that her mother will be getting her directly after and she will be leaving. So no celebrating, no after-show with family that flew in to see her.  She was whisked away immediately following.

What was the point of all of her drama and fighting and making everything so hard just to turn around and show up at the very last second?  Someone said it is because she is a terrorist.  That felt accurate. SO much wasted time and money, when she could have just agreed in the first place. Will it always be like this?

[momtara]

Well, that is tough.  What a freakin' waste of money, and that's terrible that she whisked her away.  At least I'm glad she got to go to the rehearsal.  Your example weighed heavily on my mind when I had my recent custody mediation session with my husband.

As for - will it always be like this.  That's a concern of mine too, that I'll never be free of all the manipulation, even by leaving my ex.  But I have to kind of look on the bright side - I have great kids and some custody, and maybe I just have to be the support system for them, be the consistent one.  So instead of worrying that I'll always be in this BPD relationship, in some way (courts can't fix every problem), I will just try to be glad that things aren't worse. 

But hopefully over time she'll be happier and less erratic.

[mamachelle]

Hey hell0kitty,



Glad it's finally over and the performance was a success. How is D7 doing post mama drama?

I think the reason BioMom did this was to be mean- it was as premeditated as 30 seconds ago. It was meant to teach you all a lesson as she felt all that pain right then. It was meant to make it too difficult and worrisome to try to do anything like this again. It is a tactic of an abuser. They hit you or insult emotionally  so now you don't want to do anything like that to upset them AGAIN!

Then in the case of a BPD parent, the parent often will forget or minimize or project the reaction or behavior onto you and DH.

She may say that she picked up D7 to save you a drive across town (as you had to do before the performance) 

The question is now-- what extracurriculars are going to be allowed until she is old enough to choose them herself and stand up for herself. Once she hits the pre teen and teen years then this may all get very interesting if BioMom continues to micro management-- soccer vs ballet-- my days versus your days-- what exactly is mom ok with if Ballet is so bad?

 mamachelle

[Thunderstruck]

How did the little one do? Was she proud of her achievement?

It stinks that these pwBPD can't see how their actions are detrimental to everyone... . the kids (which is the worst), us, and even themselves. It's frustrating.

[david]

Put this experience in the back of your mind. Next time something like this happens make sure you have all the details worked out. Your family was there to celebrate and she took that away for your D7. I view this as a deliberate decision on BPD's part.                                                                                                           I only communicate through email to make sure all bases are covered. Our custody order states that once an agreement is reached through email neither party can change it without another email agreement. This eliminated my xBPDw from doing this very same thing. It actually took several attempts by x to circumvent the order and me staying firm with the boundary that she finally figured it out. I actually printed out the email so when the police arrived (she called them) I had evidence to support my claim. This infuriated x and helped the police understand. I never thanked her for that 

[hell0kitty]

Yes, I have printed all of her emails, and have started a file where they are each labeled the different things just in case we ever have that police knock on our door again.  I believe that she burnt that bridge though, because she called them too much and they never saw a threat.  When I called our local precinct and spoke to the DV officer, he explained that they only get involved so many times unless there is an imminent threat.  He said if they kept getting non emergency calls and the officers went a few times and the other party did not seem in any way threatening or intimidating they would stop attending unless it was an actual life threatening emergency.  If she had her way, there would be a police escort at every drop off or pick up.

D7 was really proud of the Ballet performance, but bummed because her mom was in such a hurry to get her out of there and said they were going to do all of this great stuff and she ended up just taking her to drive through and then home. 

You are right about the abuse tactics, BPDmom in a way bullied her way into getting her way because she is no longer enrolled in ballet. 

[DreamGirl]

... . because she is no longer enrolled in ballet. 

It's so hard when the parental conflict results in this kind of outcome. 

Can she not just do it on your parenting time? 

[hell0kitty]

Nope. Mom made sure of that when she agreed to the last performance. She said if we wished to continue she had some suggestions of where we could enroll her and then sent no suggestions even after we asked. She seems to be in this headspace that she doesn't want her doing anything fun on our days because she thinks it makes her love him more or something.

[DreamGirl]

Nope. Mom made sure of that when she agreed to the last performance. She said if we wished to continue she had some suggestions of where we could enroll her and then sent no suggestions even after we asked. She seems to be in this headspace that she doesn't want her doing anything fun on our days because she thinks it makes her love him more or something.

Maybe she is in that kind of headspace? Tends to be common feeling around here. I know that it used to feel like my stepkids' Mama was trying to sabotage any joy in our lives... .

Here's how I would handle the ignoring of your asking her "any suggestions?"

Dear Mama,

SD8 is still interested in ballet and per our previous agreeement that we enroll her in a different dance company, I've found three potential places:

1.) Place A, Address and Phone Number, Cost = $, Schedule Mon, Th, F

2.) Place B, Address and Phone Number, Cost = $, Schedule T, Th

3.) Place C, Address and Phone Number, Cost = $, Schedule Mon, Wed

I think Place A is the best because it's the most reasonably priced and closest to your house. Let me know what you think.

If I don't hear back from you, I'll go ahead and sign her up for Place A.

Thanks,

Mr. hell0kitty


I don't play the "no response" game in my own divorce. Give options and then verbalize that no response = I'll assume you think it's OK.

-DG

[hell0kitty]

But is that OK legally?  If he were to say "No response = XYZ" and then does it, can't she go to court and say he is "Making unilateral decisions" again and "going against the parenting plan". 

Or what if he says this, signs her up and then at the last second mom responds with a no?

Since we have the eval happening, I am just so afraid of doing anything wrong or breaking any rules.

[DreamGirl]

But is that OK legally?  If he were to say "No response = XYZ" and then does it, can't she go to court and say he is "Making unilateral decisions" again and "going against the parenting plan".  

Or what if he says this, signs her up and then at the last second mom responds with a no?

Since we have the eval happening, I am just so afraid of doing anything wrong or breaking any rules.

First, you have to decide if this is important to you. Personally, I think extra-curriculars are important for these kids for a multitude of reasons. All of my children, bio and step, are involved in sports and it has sometimes been at my complete expense (financially and transportation-wise) because I feel that strongly about it. Not everyone shares in that value. Some see extra-curriculars = major headache with the ex and choose not to participate. While others think family time is more important then Saturday's at a baseball field. It's all a matter of priorities and importance.

I'm also not an attorney, but if you are signing her up for an activity on your parenting time that does not impact her parenting time - I don't see the legal staNPDoint that she would have.

I used the no response = agreeing because I was getting ignored and had a friend who used the same tactic and it worked for me. I'm also not in a high conflict situation with my ex who is falsely accusing me of domestic violence. There is another member here who ignored the barage of emails that were sent on a daily basis - resulting in him being court ordered to pay for half, no matter whether or not he agreed - if he chose not to respond. So it's not that outrageous of a solution, especially when you put it nicely... . giving her the option whether or not to respond.

I feel like this is a manipulation of the actual purpose of the clause that states "all extra-curriculars to be agreed upon". It's to prevent one parent from signing a kid up without consent of the other parent, then expecting the other to pay - especially if the extra-curricular impacts the other parent's parenting time. i.e. a parent lives 30 miles away and has to spend a lot of driving time to get the kiddo to practice.

So it's up to you. If it's important to you and you think it is beneficial to the kiddo, I would address it. Get it put in the parenting plan that each parent is allowed to decide to sign the kid up for extra-curriculars that fall on their own parenting time. Be mindful that the judge may decide for you and say "no way, parents need to agree".

One year, my stedaughters missed half of all t-ball practices on their Mama's weeks. It was t-ball so it wasn't that big of a deal. You'd also be surprised just how many kids face this same scenario.

~DreamGirl