Money, Stress, Sick of it All

[downandin]

My wife is a high functioning uBPD.  She is a professional who has a good job.  The problem is that every time she gets paid, she goes on a shopping spree and literally spends half her check on whatever stuff may be on her mind at the time.  She literally wants to go the day she gets paid.  I pay our mortgage, car payment, and all utilities.  I ask that she pay for groceries and what I call the bonuses of our life, like cable, internet, and such.  I also ask that she pay for her share of the car insurance.  I did this intentionally, because she has had four jobs in the first four years we were married, and I thought that I needed to make sure that I was the one that paid the necessities so that we would always have our home and a good vehicle.  Anyway, she has her own bank account and I have mine.  I do not think there is any possible way that having a joint one would work.  I take care of all budgeting and the actual paying of the bills.  This isn't really an optimal situation, but it was the best thing I could come up with under the circumstances.  The problems happen when we have one of her non-normal bills come up, like this month, her car insurance is due.  It is around $400 and I told her before she got her last check that it would be due before she got paid again.  Still, she went out after getting paid and spent half her check once again (as always).  Now there isn't enough money to pay the insurance as well as cable and internet that are also due.  Because I've already spent all my month's budget, I don't have enough left to cover things.  I have been stressing terribly over this, and I know that I have not been a pleasant person to be around.  It's just that it is such a no-win situation.  If I confront her about the spending, there is always WAR!  If I let her spend, things like this always happen.  It is her money, after all, and I really don't have a right to tell her what to do with it.  I hate life soo bad sometimes.  I was brought up believing that you always pay your bills.  She really doesn't care at all.  She doesn't care about charging and paying 20% interest forever.  She says just 'make the minimum payments.'  I am losing my mind, and I really just don't want to do this anymore.  I am at my rope's end, and I really don't see any way out.  This is never going to change.  It is making me a miserable person and a miserable person to be around.  I am ill and cranky with the kids.  I don't have the energy to do anything for fun.  I just really don't enjoy living anymore. 

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[downandin]

So, since nobody has posted any magic words, I'll continue with my story.

I guess I'm painted black now for the first time since January.  I sent a message and said I'm sorry we argued... . no reply.  I hate the person I am becoming, so she does have some reason to paint me black.  I am ill, short tempered, and just mean lately.  I know it.  As I've also said, my physical health is deteriorating.  I've lost 40 lbs. this year.  Doctors can't find out what is wrong.  It could be all the stress.

People talk about boundaries, but, really, what do I do.  Boundaries end up with raging and me black.  Again she has her own job, money, and bank account.  I hate Debit Cards, by the way.  Do we just keep on charging things and making minimum payments?  That just goes against everything I was taught and believe.  I don't know, but I do know most divorces happen because of financial reasons. 

Please, somebody help.  I am begging... . I don't know what to do anymore!

[downandin]

It's me again.  I guess nobody has any advice to give.  I did want to update that at least I am not painted black.  She called me while I was at lunch and acted like nothing happened.  That is a big relief, believe me, because when I am 'black,' there is no describing how horrible she is to me. 

I still don't know what to do about finances.  Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about... . she got paid last Friday, and by this Tuesday she had spent $600, knowing that we needed to pay the bills that she was responsible for.  That averages out to $200 a day.  The problem is that when she knows we're in a tight, she spends it mostly on the kids.  That makes it easy for her to say that I am evil and terrible if I say anything about it.  Our kids do not do without, but when you need to pay bills, the new summer clothes can wait.  They usually only wear maybe a third of the things she buys them anyway.

I will never understand this, no matter how hard I try... .

You know a good pitcher always tries to throw it 'down and in.'  She is a master pitcher, a true ace! 

[allibaba]

Hey there.

Sometimes it takes a while for someone to jump in with good meaningful advice.  We're listening its just that no one necessarily has a quick answer for you just yet.  In fact most of our answers are not quick. 

One of the reasons that I haven't responded is that I control the money in the house.  I make it.  My husband used to spend like crazy but I finally learned to only leave a certain amount of money in the account and then when it runs out!  It runs out!

I recently saw a post about boundaries re: money.  Let me go look for it!

[downandin]

Hey there.

Sometimes it takes a while for someone to jump in with good meaningful advice.  We're listening its just that no one necessarily has a quick answer for you just yet.  In fact most of our answers are not quick. 

I understand that, I was just in a really bad spot this morning and was hoping for something quick to at least make me feel better.  I am better now because she did not paint me black, obviously. 

Still, the underlying problem remains, as it always does.  We make plenty of money, but she cannot budget, and will absolutely not allow me to be in control of what she makes.  I've tried that before, and it does not work.  I guess there is no answer, but I am always hoping for miracles.   

[allibaba]

I understand! Sorry that we can't jump in faster sometimes.  I remember the last time that I really needed quick help (just felt alone) and it took someone some time to respond.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203533.msg12270772#msg12270772

Check out this post?

[allibaba]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913193#msg913193

Check out the lessons.  This link shows a discussion of boundaries and then some examples of boundaries. 

I understand that, I was just in a really bad spot this morning and was hoping for something quick to at least make me feel better.  I am better now because she did not paint me black, obviously. 

Still, the underlying problem remains, as it always does.  We make plenty of money, but she cannot budget, and will absolutely not allow me to be in control of what she makes.  I've tried that before, and it does not work.  I guess there is no answer, but I am always hoping for miracles.   

2 things: 

1.  you feel better right now because things have come full circle, but they will go back again at some point.  What can you do for yourself to ensure that you don't ride the ups and down of her emotional roller-coaster?  To have some sanity, you will have to find some way to stabilize yourself in her crazy world.

2.  Once you start implementing boundaries better, she may become more responsible overall.  I have seen that happen with my husband.  Right now she fills the void by spending. 

In typing about this... . I actually have a boundary enforcement idea.

*** Here is an idea *** Perhaps you could calculate what contribution she needs to make each month and let her know that you do not have the funds to pay XYZ.  If those bills don't get paid then the services will have to get cancelled and then have her contribute $X each paycheck.  So if she is responsible for tv and internet and she doesn't contribute to them... . then you calmly tell her that those services will have to get cancelled.  Instead of relying on her responsibility when she feels the void... . you implement procedures to get her contribution up front.  No contribution then she loses those things she is supposed to pay for. 

What do you think?

[downandin]

alibaba,

Yours is a good suggestion, and I do pretty much do what you suggest.  The problems occur when it is something I cannot allow to be cancelled or cut off.  Like now, I can't just allow her car insurance to go unpaid.  It is a must. 

The boundary thread also has this very good suggestion:

An example from my life:

Value:	Financial stability is important to me (future and present).
Boundary:	We should not spend money that we don't have.
Action:	I will lead by example by not spending excessively. If my wife wants to spend excessively, I will not help her do so. If I need to, I will increase the separation of our finances to make sure that I do not participate in excessive spending.

This is something that I am working really hard on myself right now.  I have been a pretty free spender in the past, and am really trying to reel things in.  But again, there comes times when I must spend, like last month our heat pump went out.  We live in the south, so with 90 degree weather, I didn't have much of a choice besides buying a new heat pump.  When we were arguing this morning, she said to me:  "stop spending."  All I had spent money on was necessity.  She cannot separate out necessity from luxury.  To her, buying a new heat pump so we wouldn't die of heat equals me blowing thousands of dollars, so why can't she spend a few hundred.

It is twisted logic, but that is the way it is.

[allibaba]

When we were arguing this morning, she said to me:  "stop spending."  All I had spent money on was necessity.  She cannot separate out necessity from luxury.  To her, buying a new heat pump so we wouldn't die of heat equals me blowing thousands of dollars, so why can't she spend a few hundred.

It is twisted logic, but that is the way it is.

Hey!  Whatever you do try to avoid getting sucked into arguments - you end up getting into JADE and it is a cycle that you just don't want to get into.  Don't get involved in trying to Explain (the E in JADE) that the water pump is a necessity.

Lay out a financial plan - feasible budget etc.  Try as much as possible to put as little reliance on her as possible.  Are all of the credit cards in her name?  Are they held jointly?

Lastly my point on her contribution is that it should come to you immediately as soon as she is paid.  Don't wait for her to pay the bill!  You therefore take control.  So if this is what you are doing and she's still spending like crazy - have you enforced the boundary?  For example, Have you cancelled the cable?

[downandin]

Lastly my point on her contribution is that it should come to you immediately as soon as she is paid.  Don't wait for her to pay the bill!  You therefore take control.  So if this is what you are doing and she's still spending like crazy - have you enforced the boundary?  For example, Have you cancelled the cable?

You are right.  And when we were arguing, she even said it.  What I usually do is pay all the bills as soon as she gets paid and then show her the checkbook so she knows what she has left to spend.  As I said, I haven't been feeling well, and I slipped up by not paying the bills as soon as she was paid.  I allowed her to spend without having the enforced boundary of the bottom line on her checkbook being up to date.  She said this morning, "you should have paid the bills last week."  She was even admitting that she couldn't control her spending without the boundary, in a round about way. 

So it is my fault after all.  It just gets so tiring to have to be perfect about everything all the time.

[allibaba]

So it is my fault after all.  It just gets so tiring to have to be perfect about everything all the time.

Being married to a BPD is taxing at times 

Its not all your fault but we do bear more responsibility than a normal relationship.

Just don't forget to take some time for yourself in all of this.

Allibaba

[Blazing Star]

Hi downandin,

It sounds like this is dragging you down at the moment. I know how draining it can be living with a pwBPD. Allibaba has given you some good ideas for boundaries.

When I start to feel dragged down and like I haven't the energy or motivation to be the bigger person it is a sign that I need to do some things to fill my cup back up. Once you have a handle on this can you think of some things that you can do Just For You?

Love Blazing Star