Arrrggghhhh

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

No, I'm not a pirate just extremely frustrated right now.

I have posted a few times about how my exBPDw, raged at the T, demanded I never contact her again, which I accepted and went NC. Since then and every single week without fail, she has tried to engage through mind games and finally in the last few weeks sending e-mails demanding responses to questions she already has the answers to.

That was until this week, when I received one e-mail at the start of the week and another today. The basic story behind the ones this week was, when I left her country I cancelled my phone contract. They sent through the final bill, which is due next week. Because of having to pay out for unexpected flights, it left me a little short on the cash  but as I get paid next week there is no major issue in paying this off.

The e-mail on Monday from her was asking me to pay it immediately and wanting a response as to whether I got her previous messages and that one. That's not her concern and I didn't respond.

The e-mail today, was to tell me she had paid the bill and expected me to give her the money for it instead. Again, not her responsibility and she had no right doing that. She also states that she gave me a month to pay it off (the date from the phone company is to pay by 27th June) and is therefore showing what a kind and thoughtful person she is, giving me an extension on something that has nothing to do with her.

However, another thing she states in the e-mail is that if I have no intention of giving her the money, I'm to respond to that effect by the end of today and if I am going to give her the money, I'm also to respond by the end of today as not responding to any of her previous e-mails is, in her words

"I find it incredibly disrespectful not to respond to any of my e-mails, it would have been courteous to at least reply as to your intentions."

Does she not get that 6 weeks ago, she demanded I never contact her again and tried to press false allegation charges against me? (Have later found out that the charges didn't stick but she even had the audacity to try and split the costs of filing that paperwork with me   )

The more I detach, the more I see the craziness for what it actually is. Wow, am I so glad to be away from that environment because I'm a lot more at peace with myself and this is just an insight into the madness I lived in on a daily basis.

The phone bill is not the issue here, the phone company aren't expecting any money until next week. The fact that she has gone out of her way to pay it (and put herself in debt because of this) is all projection. It's a hook that she is trying to insert for control and unlike some pwBPD that people mention, I see now why my T says she is a nasty, vindictive, controlling and manipulative person hidden behind a caring persona. Most evident in the e-mail today, where she made out she was helping me before switching it back to it being all about her and then trying to project the blame.

I've read a lot on these boards and received some very sound advice from staff and members over the weeks. So just needed to vent and get todays frustrations off my chest.

[Murbay]

No, I'm not a pirate just extremely frustrated right now.

I have posted a few times about how my exBPDw, raged at the T, demanded I never contact her again, which I accepted and went NC. Since then and every single week without fail, she has tried to engage through mind games and finally in the last few weeks sending e-mails demanding responses to questions she already has the answers to.

That was until this week, when I received one e-mail at the start of the week and another today. The basic story behind the ones this week was, when I left her country I cancelled my phone contract. They sent through the final bill, which is due next week. Because of having to pay out for unexpected flights, it left me a little short on the cash  but as I get paid next week there is no major issue in paying this off.

The e-mail on Monday from her was asking me to pay it immediately and wanting a response as to whether I got her previous messages and that one. That's not her concern and I didn't respond.

The e-mail today, was to tell me she had paid the bill and expected me to give her the money for it instead. Again, not her responsibility and she had no right doing that. She also states that she gave me a month to pay it off (the date from the phone company is to pay by 27th June) and is therefore showing what a kind and thoughtful person she is, giving me an extension on something that has nothing to do with her.

However, another thing she states in the e-mail is that if I have no intention of giving her the money, I'm to respond to that effect by the end of today and if I am going to give her the money, I'm also to respond by the end of today as not responding to any of her previous e-mails is, in her words

"I find it incredibly disrespectful not to respond to any of my e-mails, it would have been courteous to at least reply as to your intentions."

Does she not get that 6 weeks ago, she demanded I never contact her again and tried to press false allegation charges against me? (Have later found out that the charges didn't stick but she even had the audacity to try and split the costs of filing that paperwork with me   )

The more I detach, the more I see the craziness for what it actually is. Wow, am I so glad to be away from that environment because I'm a lot more at peace with myself and this is just an insight into the madness I lived in on a daily basis.

The phone bill is not the issue here, the phone company aren't expecting any money until next week. The fact that she has gone out of her way to pay it (and put herself in debt because of this) is all projection. It's a hook that she is trying to insert for control and unlike some pwBPD that people mention, I see now why my T says she is a nasty, vindictive, controlling and manipulative person hidden behind a caring persona. Most evident in the e-mail today, where she made out she was helping me before switching it back to it being all about her and then trying to project the blame.

I've read a lot on these boards and received some very sound advice from staff and members over the weeks. So just needed to vent and get todays frustrations off my chest.

[bpdspell]

Murbay,

As long as you stick to your choice of NC you'll be fine so just worry about your side of the street. Her attempts are just that... . attempts... . and they'll only have the power that you give them. Stay strong. She's probably having an extinction burst and feeling really screwy that control is out of her hands and back in yours. I'm not sure if you have kids together but if you don't: ignore, ignore, ignore, delete, delete, delete. These are your empowerment buttons.

She paid the phone bill and that's her problem. You don't owe her a thing and your silence will continue to send the message that playtime is over.

Spell

[mango_flower]

Murbay -

I've been through similar - the hateful email saying we shouldn't stay friends and she hated me and could never forgive me.

Then a week later, a sad one, complaining I hadn't wished her happy birthday!  Ummm?  The mind boggles.

The way I see it, they write these things as they feel them. But then the next week, they feel different, and want our attention. Now, as egocentric individuals who can only see things from their point of view, they conveniently forget the nasty emails, as right now they need us! How can we not KNOW that?  How can we not CARE about them?  Don't we know they're HURTING?  Don't we know that the email last week was THEN, and this is NOW?  Like a toddler who doesn't hold a grudge, it's conveniently forgotten for the moment... .

Funny how it doesn't work the other way round though - elephants never forget - I'm sure my ex has got a whole mental book of all the bad things I ever did! (about 99% of them were probably in her imagination though!)

[atcrossroads]

Dang!  When you read the things they say/do, it does sound so crazy.  My husband is doing/saying all sorts of similar irrational things right now.  He just makes no sense, yet he is a brilliant man.  It's maddening.

So, I am sure you intend to stay no contact, but what do you intend to do about the bill?  I agree that you shouldn't have to pay it, as she took it upon herself to do so, but will that trigger her more?  Is it better to pay and get her to shut up?  Just writing as I'm thinking, and no, I don't think you have obligation to pay.  It's clear how much they HATE being ignored, isn't it?

So sorry you are having to deal with this, but as you said, at least you are removed from it now. 

[Murbay]

atcrossroads, I'm really sorry you are going through that right now, it must be really difficult. I can relate to your circumstances as my exBPDw has 2 degrees and is highly intelligent. It is so frustrating to know they have all of this intelligence and yet can be so irrational at the same time. It kind of drives us insane thinking about it because it really doesn't make any sense.

Mango, it is really frustrating and unbelievable isn't it? The way they quickly change between idealization and devaluation has us zig zagging along with it.

Unfortunately NC isn't going to be an option for me as I have a 2 yo daughter and 7yo step-daughter so I'm kind of held to ransom. My T, who knows her well, advised I go NC because NC is for us to detach and get our lives back on track. I do struggle with that concept when there are children involved because I feel I'm punishing them. As T explained, there is nothing I can do about the situation right now because the children are being held to ransom and I have to get back to a healthy mindset because that will benefit them more.

As for the phone bill, I am annoyed because she has stepped over my boundaries, taken my responsibilities away from me and then projected hers. It's the way our marriage went on a lot of things. She would do things I was capable of doing myself, tell me she was doing them out of love and because she cared but then turn around right after and and throw it back in my face. If I objected to anything she did in that sense or made it known I was capable of doing something myself she would get offended and then angry. So it was always a lose-lose but I can see where the co-dependency came from even if it was forced.

Her mother is very much the same, they step in and "help" people when people don't want or need help. Both of them say it's because they are selfless and caring people which on the face of it looks good BUT there is always an ulterior motive and they use it to either get praise or to then guilt someone into doing something for them, when they want it done. This is part of the BPD showing through but there are more elements of the NPD showing in what she did today.

I'm still in 2 minds over the phone bill, because regardless of if she stepped in, it was my responsibility and I wouldn't feel right not fulfilling that. I might just send her the money but no message attached to it. She is looking to engage but ultimately she is wanting the gratitude and praise which goes along with the NPD. I know if she doesn't get that, it is going to anger her but she is already angry and I'm not biting. The unfortunate thing is paying it won't shut her up because I can bet my life on it that if I pay, next week there will be something else she is requesting money for.

With her ex (step daughters biological father) when he left while she was pregnant, he went NC and has never been in touch since. She showed me the e-mails she sent to him and they were similar to these, except instead of money, what she sent him was about wanting medical information. She hounded him for about 3 months before finally sending him a message asking if they could be friends. I was too wrapped up in her to actually see the red flags there but now I know exactly why he left and why he did what he could. Only I can't do that to my children because I have a bond and the greatest amount of love for them.

So I think next week, I send her the money for the phone since I would have paid that anyway but no e-mail to explain myself or to show any gratitude. Ultimately, that's what she wants and it isn't about the phone bill so I shall address the phone bill and leave it at that. That way she has nothing to come back at me with, unless she wants to state in writing that I didn't feed her narcissistic supply