Rescuer issue

[me757]

So I've been thinking about some of what I miss the most with my relationship with the uBPDex and one huge thing was being the rescuer. I don't know why I miss it so much. She basically needed me and I was almost like a parent at times. I liked it at times but it was also very draining because she couldn't ever be alone and always seemed to get herself into something that needed to be fixed. I remember being so sick of it by the time we broke up. But there is something with being in that role that has made it hard since the break up and basically being less needed. I'm trying to figure out what it says about me that I miss being the rescuer. Does anyone else have similar feelings/thoughts? I know my parents have a somewhat similar dynamic with my dad being the dominant one so I'm sure that has something to do with it... . but they aren't like I was with my ex who at times was like a child. She even liked it when I treated her like one (not in a condescending way). Sometimes she would even call me sir, which I thought was weird. She was very submissive but then could also be very rebellious... . they were 2 roles she would play that would alternate.

[mango_flower]

Wow - I love thought provoking posts like these - thank you!

She was very submissive but then could also be very rebellious... . they were 2 roles she would play that would alternate.  

I can relate to this!  When I met her, she was scared of the world, submissive, let me be in control.  Ad she devalued me, she grew in confidence - one of the reasons I felt so safe with her was that I never thought she'd leave as she wouldn't have the balls! (please note,I didn't take her for granted or abuse the fact that she had less confidence than me)


The next thing I know, it was like a monster who had gotten out of control - she had gained SO much self confidence that she was dressing sexily, flirting with people, going out drinking - stuff she never used to do with me... . it was like a whole different person!  I now think she probably had this side of her all along... . she had just played up the side she thought would "snare" me... .

I also needed to fix a lot for her.  Mainly somebody she had an issue with, at work, or a friend.  I was her emotional crutch, her go-to person to soothe her.

I wonder why?  I know I also like to feel needed.  :)o you have low self-esteem?  I guess I get a lot of my self-esteem by being good at what I do (my field is psychology, but I am NOT a professional in mental health and I am not licensed to treat or diagnose or practise). So every time I "fixed" her temporarily, or helped her with a situation, I guess it made me feel good for reading the situation right. It made me feel competant. I'm not somebody who gets by on my looks and uses those to get attention, so I guess I get validation for being a nice, decent person who is loyal and will help people out.

[Clearmind]

Rescuing provides us with value – if we can “do” something for others we feel valued and respected. You don’t have to “do” to be of value – you need to be yourself. Its possible you are not sure who that is.

I was taught to be a rescuer as a child. My father (BPD traits) was an emotional person and my needs were negated. I grew up without understanding boundaries, about what a healthy relationship entails and instead I was conditioned to be the ‘good girl’ who asked or wanted for nothing. I served – the problem with serving another is that it breeds resentment. This is why you were sick of it by the end. Your serving was not getting you anywhere - there was no reward. Our relationships oscillate between parent/child for you both.

A healthy relationship is not based on serving another its about equality – your/our relationship was not at all based on equality. It was based on a very fine balance of need for you both.

You cannot have a healthy relationship where two people are vie-ing for a position in the relationship.

So, me - who are you?

[me757]

I was the parent in the relationship. Now that I think of it, I think she might have wanted to turn me into her dad to some degree. She always said I reminded her of her dad. She had major issues with her father who abandoned her when she was in high school. I think she was taking it out on me by making me into a father figure - someone who could protect her/love her but also someone she could rebel against. I'm still not sure what it says about me that I embraced the role for as long as I did.

[Tordesillas]

It probably says that you are not entirely secure in your value as a person... . Maybe you feel like you need to prove your worth by being the hero?   Maybe you feel a certain security in being with someone that seems to so desperately need you cause it seems like they're less likely to leave?  Also, if you grew up with your parents having a similar dynamic, then that was the modeling that shaped what you'd be drawn to in a relationship as well.

[gonesouth]

My past therapist described me as a rescuer. I love helping others and I am attracted to women who need help. I rescued three women (each with different problems, but similar traits) and am going through my third divorce. I'm 64 and hopefully learn my lesson. I just want to get away from this one as soon as possible and reclaim my life and to hell with women who are needy.

[Clearmind]

Why do we rescue?

Where does this tendency come from?

How would you rate your own self worth on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the lowest)?

Where do you place your needs on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the lowest)?

Does it feel risky to ask a partner/friend to listen to your needs (1-10)?

What do you fear if you present your needs?


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The first step is to recognize your tendency then understand why and where this tendency comes from?

[causticdork]

I'm really curious about this too.  I know when I went NC with my ex, she always knew she could get me to respond if she put herself in a situation that she needed rescuing from.  I like to help people.  Not just the people I'm dating either.  I really enjoy lending a hand when people need it, and I'm fortunate to have a fantastic circle of friends who don't take advantage and always help me out when I need them too.  I never considered this rescuer tendency to be a negative trait until I started dating someone with BPD.  Suddenly it's not just a weakness, but a horribly exploitable one that makes me do idiotic things even when I know better.

I definitely have an instinct to do the whole "Charge to the rescue" thing when there's a problem.  Sometimes to my own detriment, but I guess I kinda liked that part of myself.  How do I learn to turn that off?  For me it's not a matter of low self-esteem or low self-worth.  I'm in pretty decent shape on both of those fronts.  Rescuing is almost a manic tendency.  It gives me a bit of a high to feel wanted and needed and appreciated.

[danley]

I was a rescuer too. But there were also times my ex would rescue me. It was a good balance. But it seemed like his core issues were things he needed to rescue himself from.

I used to find it hard to mention my needs because I'd sometimes get a rage or attitude from my ex. These times would normally turn to him blaming me for something or putting our relationship down. And mind you, it wasnt great things I'd ask for. Simple things like doing dinner together or talking about where the relationship was headed. He'd throw a fit and get frustrated when I'd ask to hang out. He'd say stuff like he has so much on his plate or he had plans with friends. But yet when he wanted to see me, it was a different story.

Right now I feel like I might be dipping into rescuer waters. His court date is coming up and he sat there for an hour opening up and sharing his fears and plans with the lawyer. He talked about all the details and what he felt. He was worried and I could tell he felt relieved to tell me. He had this vulnerable genuine tone that he gets when he's put a lot of thought into something... . I told him he'd be OK. But something churned inside me. I felt like I had broken a law by telling him that. It was natural response to say he'd be OK but yet it felt awkward. He didn't seem bothered by it and I thought to myself that this was so freaking contradictory that hes now being so sincere and open again. Even though I'm not technically rescuing him per say, I still feel like I'm rescuing him by listening since he doesn't tell anyone his problems except me.

And another reason WHY it felt awkward was because there was a moment I thought to myself, WHY is he opening up to me about this instead of opening up to this new person that he says he might be interested in? Last month when he threw the new interest news in face I told him to do what makes him happy. He was pissed. Probably because he didnt get the response he was hoping for from me. So perhaps he has opened up to her too and is seeking extra validation from me. Who knows. I guess it felt weird because he had told me a month ago that this new interest was worried we work together and still were talking(well if you count his rages and hot and cold). He made it seem like I was a problem and he made it seem like he and she didn't want us communicating. So i went NC outside of work. But for the whole month now at work he's been acting otherwise.

Like many of you, I enjoy helping people. I don't do it for glory. I don't do it to feel needed. However, the one thing that gets under my skin is when people take advantage or take it for granted or are unappreciative.

[me757]

Why do we rescue?

Where does this tendency come from?

How would you rate your own self worth on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the lowest)?

Where do you place your needs on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the lowest)?

Does it feel risky to ask a partner/friend to listen to your needs (1-10)?

What do you fear if you present your needs?


-----

The first step is to recognize your tendency then understand why and where this tendency comes from?

This was my first real relationship so I don't know if I have a tendency to rescue. In the beginning, I did it to court her. I got a high from having some beautiful girl need and want me. I think I have a high self worth... . maybe even too high at times. However, as shallow as it seems, I probably lowered it on the inside because she was so good looking. Of course, on the outside I emanated confidence. My needs were 5/10. I always got my work done but often I would adjust a lot to appease her. In the beginning it was because the idealization phase was so amazing and I wanted to. After devaluation began, I bent over backwards to keep her from going out and straying. It never felt risky asking my partner to listen to my needs EXCEPT when it came to the marriage talk. I told her I wasn't ready to get married to someone I'd only been with a few months. Then after the troubles got more intense and the marriage pressure increased, I'd tell her that I would eventually want to get married but that I'd want a few months w/o any major issues before that. Saying these things was the kiss of death. After we broke up she said "You just didn't seem ready." For which I replied, "yeah because you were talking to other guys on the side... . " She said that she would settle down once she had a ring on her finger. She has cheated on her fiancee/husband a few times since they got engaged 4 months into dating. She also cheated on him a dozen or so times whilst they were dating.

Now, what I fear the most is that I will get rejected in a normal relationship because of this last one. Before, I feel I was more trusting but now I don't know. I think I'm going to have some issues letting down my guard again, which was an issue before the BPD relationship. I almost feel like I don't know how to even approach a normal relationship. This is especially true if the next girl isn't as needy and is independent. I'll feel less needed and then probably get insecure about that. So to clarify, I fear rejection when I present my needs and that is probably why I liked being the rescuer role because I feel it is the furthest from rejection.

What I find ironic about my fear of rejection is that I do a lot of things that is full of rejection - like comedy, play music live, make films... . But when it comes to relationships, I guess its different.