rollercoaster24
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living apart six months
Posts: 362
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« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2013, 06:21:59 AM » |
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Hi seeking balance
Thanks for replying and summing it up, I guess because I didn't have that attachment chemical swirling around, I was able to see a whole lot clearer.
The problem I encountered with my now ex BP was that I did not realise the total extent of the lies, or an understanding of things, until 2 years had passed.
I was mostly talking with his parents (who always encouraged me to call for help) on the phone for the first two years their son was in my life, it wasn't until he had things so bad here that I was forced to insist he return to his parents.
They were able to enlighten me as to how long they had had these issues with their son, but by then, I was well and truly deeply hooked to him, loving him deeply, and unable to make that final step to leave for good.
The irony for me, is that BP encouraged me to seek their support as well, agreeing that he had always been a problem, and did need help, he often joked about it all, and mostly laughed it off, but I was always fobbed off again, and nothing real ever happened.
Once he returned to staying at his parents, he never mentioned he needed help again.
Instead turning his attention gradually to his parents as the new targets of his rage, before he met me, it was his whole past, and his brother.
Once he enmeshed himself into my life, (so quickly I didn't even realise how he had done it) everyone I knew, and I became the targets for his rage and projections.
He began regularly denigrating his parents to me, which would then progress to his whole experience with me, everyone I knew, and then eventually it would cycle round to me.
I would at least 90% refuse to argue, or defend myself, and would simply repeat the rules for staying at my house. I would tell him this was now a house of peace, that if we had problems here, we would sit down like adults and discuss them at a calmer point, until they were resolved, then we would move on.
He would refuse to be peaceful, refuse to drive off and calm down, just amp up the abuse on me. Occasional moments he went through psychotic episodes and tried to kill me when I would refuse to argue, and if I did argue because he just wouldn't leave me alone? He then won, because I was so obviously 'abusive'.
Now and then, (although I could not trust leaving him alone in my house) I would have premeditated his episode, by keeping my keys in my pocket, and bag close, and would park my car so he could not block me in.
I would drive off angrily to calm down somewhere.
He would use my house phone, to call me no less than 50 times, until I answered my mobile, (he never paid one single phone bill either).
If I said I wasn't coming back unless he had calmed down, he would abuse me, so I would hang up, and he would keep calling back. I would not answer, in the hope that he might settle.
Sometimes he did, and sometimes he would wait until I got back, and then accuse me of having an affair and running off to have sex with my other boyfriend!
As if!
I made the mistake of intermittently reinforcing his behaviour, on the times that escape was impossible, (he had blocked my car, stolen my keys, phone, wallet or some other necessity).
At others? I was simply confused as to how much I was supposed to listen, inner conflict about being a 'supportive partner'. He often said I wasn't, calling me detached, and uncaring about his feelings. So I guess I was mightily confused all the time, and really stuck in the FOG.
Still am.
I never wanted this to end, because I truly did love him, I accepted that he might not be ready to seek therapy, but I did suggest lots of other alternatives, both free and very cheap. Exercise regularly was the biggest suggestion, but he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't exercise.
Yet, for a 'starving man' he had plenty of energy to sand away all day on his various mechanical projects, (fixing free/stolen car parts and other such things) to make extra money to live every week, yet he never had any money after a few days, and this with extra income on top of his unemployment cheque, help from his parents and help from me too!
I believe now, that he likely was abusing substances, and not just pot, meth was always my guess, because he was always projecting as to who was on the s***! He did seem to know an awful lot about something he had 'only tried once 20 years before'.
So, thanks again, and sorry I turned this into a long one. I spent so long without a real chance of a voice, that it all pours out.
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