newbie w/ wicked mil

[mil-bpd/npd]

Hi and thank you for providing a safe place to learn and grow.

I have been married for 24 years to the adult son of a NPD BPD mother. My dh is the scapegoat in the family. Well sometimes he's the hero child too. The family of origin has been an enmeshed mess. I too fell into their trap and was wrapped up in the nightmare for too many years before I found out what was going on. Our psychotherapist confirmed our fear.

The problem is dh is not able to set boundaries and is having a hard time with the fog. We are in therapy and its helping but I can't deal with her now and I need nc with her. That is not something dh can do right now even though he is very LC (saw her once in two months).

The problem is BPD mil gets dh alone and sucks him dry. He comes home a ball of nerves and I have to soothe him back from the brink. That's what happens when I go nc.

I don't know where to go from here. We went to therapy to begin with because I had finally had enough of feeling second to my BPD mil. I was ready to leave and gave dh the choice, his mother or me. How do you think a woman feels saying that to her dh?

We have two sons ourselves that we cherish and we love each other very much but he can't separate from his foo that is so unsettling to his peace of mind.  

I am SO angry at this woman for all of the damage she has caused to the entire family. I am so angry I'm in therapy myself to deal with it.

Thank you for letting me share.

[jbtalt6]

Hi there! I'm new here also, but not new to the BPD/NPD mil issues! I, too, have been in the trenches for well over 20 years with this woman. Dh, our 7 kids, and I have been "no contact" for all but maybe a year in total for 26 years now. We tried a couple of times to reconcile and see if MIL had changed, but (big surprise) she hadn't.

As of November of 2012, dh has opened up some very limited contact with his parents as they are getting up in age and he didn't want the guilt he felt he might carry should they pass on while not speaking. I support his decision, but feel a bit betrayed every time I hear him speaking to them on the phone, or telling them he loves them. That might not be fair but the things she has done to us over the years are close to being truly unforgivable. I can't forgive them, so I guess he's a better person than I am. It would take me forever to list what she's done to us, but suffice to say, I still hold the hate-filled letters she sent so I actually have a written record in her own words about much of what she did. My children, 14yrs. through 28yrs. of age, have read her letters and have chosen to have nothing to do with that set of grandparents now that all (except one) are adults. As children they didn't visit either so these people are virtual strangers anyway. No big loss. My 18 yr. old daughter actually thanked her Dad for keeping them away from her and her siblings.

My saving grace is that we live several states away. Thank God.

Also a question... . do BPD/NPD afflicted people tend to live in "la la land"? Is there a term for it, if so? MIL comes up with the strangest explanations for things... . like she's truly out of touch with reality. Common?

Thanks for listening!

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, there, and  .

My mother has BPD. I can understand why it is hard for your DH to detach from the dysfunction. People with this disorder have a very poor sense of personal boundaries and tend to leave their children feeling responsible for their happiness. And, of course, all kids need to believe their parents love them, and we will often keep trying to get them to love us even after we have been repeatedly beaten down. We have internalized a belief that it is all our fault, that we have to fix it, that we somehow deserve to be treated that way. After all, a mother is supposed to know the truth about us, right? I tried for a long time to be "good enough" before I realized I already am. She doesn't love me, not because I'm unlovable, but because she isn't capable.

I am sorry you are experiencing so much conflict in your marriage. I think it is a good thing that you are in therapy to get some support and guidance. It is ok that you and your DH have different needs and boundaries, and I am glad that you can give yourself the NC you need while allowing him the LC he feels he needs.

He comes home a ball of nerves and I have to soothe him back from the brink.

If I may ask, why is that your job? What would happen if you allowed him to soothe himself or to ask a professional for help? Is your DH willing to see a T individually as well?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[mil-bpd/npd]

Wow did you hit the nail on the head about feeling a bit betrayed when he's on the phone with them or for me, when he says I love you to his BPD/NPD nada. I feel its easier for Dh to upset me than it is for him to upset his nada. That leaves me feeling second to her after 24 years and two children. He will verbalize what I want to hear then does something different. He's trying, I do believe that or I would have already done the unthinkable... . and leave him.  Thanks for sharing with me.

I wish you peace in life on this journey of your mil's aging. Mine is a young 81 and has gotten worse with age. I wish peace for you and your family. Kudos to you for protecting your children from them!

Hi there! I'm new here also, but not new to the BPD/NPD mil issues! I, too, have been in the trenches for well over 20 years with this woman. Dh, our 7 kids, and I have been "no contact" for all but maybe a year in total for 26 years now. We tried a couple of times to reconcile and see if MIL had changed, but (big surprise) she hadn't.

As of November of 2012, dh has opened up some very limited contact with his parents as they are getting up in age and he didn't want the guilt he felt he might carry should they pass on while not speaking. I support his decision, but feel a bit betrayed every time I hear him speaking to them on the phone, or telling them he loves them. That might not be fair but the things she has done to us over the years are close to being truly unforgivable. I can't forgive them, so I guess he's a better person than I am. It would take me forever to list what she's done to us, but suffice to say, I still hold the hate-filled letters she sent so I actually have a written record in her own words about much of what she did. My children, 14yrs. through 28yrs. of age, have read her letters and have chosen to have nothing to do with that set of grandparents now that all (except one) are adults. As children they didn't visit either so these people are virtual strangers anyway. No big loss. My 18 yr. old daughter actually thanked her Dad for keeping them away from her and her siblings.

My saving grace is that we live several states away. Thank God.

Also a question... . do BPD/NPD afflicted people tend to live in "la la land"? Is there a term for it, if so? MIL comes up with the strangest explanations for things... . like she's truly out of touch with reality. Common?

Thanks for listening!

[jbtalt6]

Are we living parallel lives?

Dh is way too soft in dealing with his parents, imo. He will sit for literally TWO HOURS while MIL rambles on and on about herself and how her family takes advantage of her, or doesn't treat her the way she feels she should be treated, etc. I feel that's sending her the message of "I'm here for you and I will let you drag me back into the dysfunction." He says it's in one ear and out the other but what message is SHE taking away from the conversation? Should I even worry? She is only 71, claims many health issues while continuing her 6 decades long smoking habit, and will probably outlive us all! ha ha

We went back to our home state to for my nephew's graduation last month and DH had his first visit with the IL's since 2001. He stayed for 7 hours. MIL sent a follow up email (which he shared with me) where she stated she enjoyed the visit, hoped for more, and said it was wonderful to "hold him and smell him" again. Ok, am I nit-picking or is wanting to smell your 43 yr. old son a little weird? It's not like he wears cologne or anything that she would remember from when he was still living with her, so idk what she is talking about. Seems creepy to me. But maybe I'm just being mean as usual!

It's nice to vent to people who don't get tired of hearing me talk about this stuff

[mil-bpd/npd]

Sounds very familiar to me... .

I agree that staying on the phone with his nada for hours, your DH is sending the message that he will be her dumping ground for all of her problems. How often do those kind of conversations take place? I'll bet he feels warn out when he gets done, right? My DH says the same thing about letting it go in one ear and out the other. I have asked for nc while I deal with my feelings over this and DH said why can't you just let it roll off like I do? Well, he says that but I'm the one that has to deal with his moods after he speaks with her.

I do have to say that he has not spoken to her for some time now just by saying he's been too busy.  He does not ever WANT to talk with her but he feels "fog" when he hasn't spoken to her for a few days in the past. Right now we would be concidered extremely LC. 

The problem is the 4th of July holiday. We are having a party and I do not want to invite her. I don't mind his brother and nephew but not the mother. How do we even go about doing that? I'm not sure how they would react to being invited without her being there also. I'm so frustrated about the whole thing that I just want to cancel the party all together! We have a therapy appt. tomorrow so hopefully we can work this out.

I can't stand how his mother tries to make me jealous of her!  I would spend all day on the 4th watching her run after my DH and fall all over him. It makes me feel creepy and dirty to see her so pathetic, egging him on for attention. It's crazy making. She is his mother not his wife! Did you ever have to deal with something like that?

Thanks for listening, I know I rambled today but I am so worried about this party... .

Take care of yourself today.

Are we living parallel lives?

Dh is way too soft in dealing with his parents, imo. He will sit for literally TWO HOURS while MIL rambles on and on about herself and how her family takes advantage of her, or doesn't treat her the way she feels she should be treated, etc. I feel that's sending her the message of "I'm here for you and I will let you drag me back into the dysfunction." He says it's in one ear and out the other but what message is SHE taking away from the conversation? Should I even worry? She is only 71, claims many health issues while continuing her 6 decades long smoking habit, and will probably outlive us all! ha ha

We went back to our home state to for my nephew's graduation last month and DH had his first visit with the IL's since 2001. He stayed for 7 hours. MIL sent a follow up email (which he shared with me) where she stated she enjoyed the visit, hoped for more, and said it was wonderful to "hold him and smell him" again. Ok, am I nit-picking or is wanting to smell your 43 yr. old son a little weird? It's not like he wears cologne or anything that she would remember from when he was still living with her, so idk what she is talking about. Seems creepy to me. But maybe I'm just being mean as usual!

It's nice to vent to people who don't get tired of hearing me talk about this stuff

[jbtalt6]

Yeah, I feel your dilemma regarding the party. We haven't had to deal with that in YEARS since we moved from our home state (where both sets of our parents still live) back in late 1988, and have been NC for all but about a year since then. The way it used to be, we couldn't invite any of DH's family members to anything (even our son's 1st bday party or Christmas) because MIL would have a total break down. She made it SO difficult that a couple of times we were actually told "We can't come. It would upset ":)" too much." They all buckled under to her. It was easier for them not to rock the boat. The only people who kept a relationship with us from DH's side of the family were his Dad's mom and his Dad's only sister. Of course, MIL exiled them from the family too for about 5 years. 

If I were you, I'd invite whomever you wish, but maybe be prepared for fall out. You have a right to enjoy your own party, and if you're NC with MIL right now, well, she's outta luck imo. Don't rub it in that she's not invited, but if she should inquire, I suppose you could tell her (if she doesn't already know) that you're taking a break from her at the moment.  I'm so sick of tip-toeing around these BPDs... . it makes me sick because I see DH doing it to a degree even now. You asked about him feeling worn out after speaking to his mother... . I'm not sure about this go-round because they only have monthly phone conversations at this point. I always did though. When we tried to reconcile back in 2001, she'd keep me on the phone for HOURS as well. I allowed it, and shouldn't have, but I felt... . obligated? I don't know. I was sucked back in which is where I'm afraid DH will end up.

Does my MIL act like a wife to DH? She always seemed to expect to be numero uno in his life. She was sexually inappropriate in conversations and questions... . stuff like that. The woman had no filter what-so-ever. NONE. Right now, she doesn't even acknowledge my existence. DH did tell her I wasn't interested in a relationship with them (along with our kids) but now it's like we don't exist at all. Although I don't want a relationship or contact with them, I still want to be recognized as DH's wife! Is that hypocritical? In her "la la land" or "borderville" or wherever she lives, DH doesn't have any family but them. She has 7 beautiful grandchildren that she doesn't acknowledge (which is fine with everyone) but in years past, having a relationship with their son and grandchildren wasn't worth fixing things with DH and I. She was content to be the victim, never recognizing that it was her own actions that drove us away. Talk about rambling... . sorry! I get worked up when I think about the terrible things she's done to us and now, in her mind, gotten away with. Ugh.

Good luck at counseling, and update tomorrow on what you decide!

Best of luck 

[ScarletOlive]

Hi mil-BPD/NPD,

Oh, I feel for you. It is really tough when you're first trying to set boundaries.   But with it comes a lot of freedom. It might help your husband recognize that yes, he has independence as an adult and isn't under his mother's thumb anymore. Have you guys set any boundaries recently?

There's a lot of information here that may be of help to you as you work through this difficult scenario with your MIL. The links on boundaries and communication techniques are especially amazing. I'd encourage you to check them out:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Keep posting and sharing. You will fit right in here. Sending you lots of caring and support.