Hi Wanderlustrous and
My mom has ruined every major life event. I remember when I was in junior high- I was about to do a performance- and right before I went onstage she told me my cousin might have AIDS. He didn't. By a long shot.
Before I took the LSAT, my mom argued with me for hours on end. I wasn't fighting back. I just took it (as I usually do). I wound up hiding in a room in the hotel we were staying at just to get away from her. She kept me up all night long.
This is a very peculiar trait of people with BPD (pwBPD) and this is my best working theory on why they tend to act this way: whenever we have a "major life event" it may be an event that triggers in our BPD loved one feelings of familiarity and possibly intimacy -- after all, these are events which we conventionally share with family. Sometimes our BPD loved one might even act on these otherwise positive emotions. But what typically follows these emotions are their disordered feelings, their fear of abandonment.
So my understanding is that immediately after they feel particularly close to you such as during an anniversary, or some other "major life event", they also feel this contradictory feeling and fear that we will somehow abandon or betray them. And it's this *imagined* abandonment or betrayal which drives their vindictive behavior. And perhaps this is what motivates your mother to sabotage such occasions for you.
The day I graduated from law school was the most important day of my life. I worked so hard to get there. I was so proud. My mom made up some lie about my dad saying something along the lines of, "I like little girls." Then she through a fit about a bill in public. She embarrassed my dad and he left early. I asked her to leave. It was humiliating. She couldn't keep it together just for a couple of hours.
I don't know which is worse: (1) that we continue to set ourselves up to be disappointed by our BPD loved one during these special occasions, or (2) that we stop celebrating such occasions in anticipation of these land mines. I think it is important that we, ourselves, celebrate such occasions. But it is unfortunate that we cannot share such occasions with family, or at least not with the family members who react poorly to these occasions, or with family members who will then inadvertently tell the problematic family members about such occasions triggering another set of drama.
In my life, I often have 2 sets of celebration. One in which my problematic family members are invited, but in which I am prepared for blow-ups, or do what I can to minimizes these blow-ups. And the second in which I end up only inviting friends who are like my family of choice. Rarely do I ever allow the two groups to mingle.
My wedding- well- that was a joke. I knew she'd act up, so I did everything myself. I went dress shopping without her. I didn't include her in any of the plans. She pouted like a child the entire day. People kept going up to her to ask what was wrong. She was attention starved and needed to be the center of things. She gave me $6,000.00 as a gift that turned into a loan after the fact. I was buying my first home, and she demanded I give her the money immediately- she wouldn't accept installments. I couldn't afford furniture and didn't have much in savings because this gift magically turned loan was a big hit to my pocketbook.
My parents (and in-laws) practically required me to have a wedding that all but ate up my entire nest-egg savings. And my parents kept on trying to entice me by offering to pay for part of the expense. I knew then that if I had accepted their money, I would have invited much grief so I insisted that they just gift me that money as a wedding present if they felt I needed the support. I never saw a dime of that money. Moreover I knew no more than 5% of the guests invited to the wedding. If I had to do it all over again, I would have eloped.
Money exchanges are always problematic with BPD family members. Gifts are often attached to hidden strings that are mentioned only *after* accepting the gifts. With gifts that I am suspicious of, I might not even open them in preparation of returning them as soon as a hidden string reveals itself.
When I took the bar exam, I was living at her house with my husband (mistake). She kicked us out two days before the bar exam. It was horrific. I stayed in a hotel. Luckily, I passed and am I worked attorney.
The way this behavior makes sense to me, is that as you approached the date of your bar exam, she probably saw your passing the bar exam as a means by which you would become more independent of her, and thus in her imagination allows you to "abandon" her. So by kicking you out, she got to "abandon" you first, thereby avoiding her *imagined* abandonment. And if you were to have failed your exam, it would have served her doubly by keeping you in some way more dependent upon her (and thus, unable to "abandon" her).
Now- my first ultrasound. All about her.
I've decided to keep the due date a secret from her so she doesn't show up at the hospital. I'm going to be a protected patient with a code name so she can't get to me or the baby. She's ruined every important day of my life. I won't let her ruin this.
This is wise of you, but don't underestimate her resourcefulness.
I imagine that as soon as she finds out where and when you are to give birth, she will find a way to show up. And what hospital staff would stand in the way of a grand-mother-to-be who is desperate to "assist" her delivering daughter? I wonder if you might be best served by a C-section delivery in an out of town hospital, perhaps near your in-laws (unless they are equally disordered)?
She really wants to be involved in my life and the child's life. I probably wouldn't have told her about the pregnancy but she started threatening to take a car she gifted to me 7 years ago away. I told her, "You can't keep playing these games with me anymore because I'm pregnant." That's how I told her. And she's mad at me because of it. Also, she's mad at me because I didn't tell her first.
She will likely do anything and everything to wedge herself between you and your child. She will *imagine* your child to be the "reason" why you are going to "abandon" or "betray" her. She may bribe you. She may do worse. I have friends who have disordered parents who may be building a case to legally wrest guardianship of their children (grandfather is a lawyer, oy). If your mother is similarly disorder, I would not put it past her to at least consider that avenue.
She keeps telling me that I'm going to miss her when she's gone. Ever since I've cut all ties from her, my life has been exponentially better. I'm happy now. I don't have guilt or pressure or drama anymore. I just enjoy life. I don't think many people will support me when I say this, but I'll feel relief when my mom dies. I will finally be able move forward and not worry when her next episode will be and how it will affect me.
I think when your mother dies your life will no longer be complicated by her disordered behaviors, and for that you (or anyone in your position) will be thankful. But also, when she dies, you may find yourself needing to grieve for the loss of the mother you never had, and the childhood that was most likely robbed of you... . and that will make you sad.
I'm afraid that by me protecting myself and the baby, she's going to try to hurt me. She's on disability (doesn't need to be, but was a real estate agent who couldn't make ends meet when the housing market crashed) and literally has nothing to do all day. She sits on the phone with anyone willing to listen to hours on end about how terrible I am.
I hope she is not able to persuade any social workers with her distorted perspective.
These people (my family members) believe her! That's the worse part. I don't have time to call everyone to correct what she's saying about me. I have a life. If they're dumb enough to listen to her, then maybe I'm better off.
It's not just that they believe her. Your mother has had all her life to master her ability to persuade and manipulate. She most likely gives your extended family ulterior reasons to subscribe to her crazy: either money, or whatever it is that they might want from her, she will give them so long as they believe her. And if they don't believe her, she will cut them off. Any family member who might have an iota of good judgement and critical thinking would have distanced themselves from your mother years ago.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes and congratulations with your pregnancy, Schwing
