Just need someone who understands, I feel that I'm doing this alone...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I really need someone who understands because all of the supportive people in my life right now have NO IDEA about BPD and how serious of a condition it is. I’ve asked them multiple times to read on it but they don’t and they always thought I was trying to make excuses for him. And of course I cannot go to his family and friends who understand for support.  So I feel really alone in this right now. So I am here for support from  people who have dealt with BPD and actually recognize that it is a serious condition.

I very recently had a break up with a BPD, today it will be 11 days since we officially broke up, 5 days since I have officially moved out, 2 days that I have gone without talking to him at all.

At first it was easy for me because I knew I couldn’t put up with how he treats me any longer, the selfishness, the lies, the false accusations, the threats, the name-calling, unfaithfulness, devaluing me. So at first I had so much hate, so much rage but now that is all turning into sadness. I’m starting to feel very much depressed. The thing that sucks about it is that I was too good for him. Everyone always told me that from the beginning, I was too good for him looks-wise, smarts-wise, relationship-wise. But despite what everyone said I couldn’t help but love him and try to see the good in him. All my life so many guys have always tried to get with me, but I can never get myself to like anyone. I thought it was because I had high standards, but then HE won me over. Probably from all the charm and worshipping that was given to me in first 2 weeks. I think the whole year of our relationship I was just trying to get back to that. A year might not seem like that long to anyone else, but to me he was definitely the first guy I have ever felt that strongly about and stayed with for that long. And moved in with. Almost had a baby with. Etc etc…. He was the first one I ever fully gave my heart to. Why does the first person I can actually like have to have BPD?

Anyways what I’m getting at is I’m starting to get very depressed because at first I was thinking “oh he’ll realize soon enough what he had” or “he’s gonna realize how wrong he was and beg for me back” or something along those lines…. And it made me feel better knowing that he’ll know he was wrong and that he messed up, NOT ME, and that he had something really good. But then I started thinking and I realized that he will never realize that. I used to push the fact that he had BPD to the side and ignore it (maybe that was my problem) but then I started wondering if BPD will affect how he views me after this break up.  “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” You know people without BPD understand this quote, but I don’t think he will. I read that once they “split you black” you’re black for good. It’s just sad that I’m here depressed feeling super down that we couldn’t work out no matter how hard I TRIED, how much EFFORT I PUT IN, and that I’m MISSING the good times we had… knowing that he’s sitting there not giving a crap probably not even thinking twice about me.

It takes me forever to find anyone I like and I loved him and his personality (when he wasn’t splitting or whatever)so much and I just don’t know what to do. How to get over this. I’ve had break ups before in the past but never one where I felt so strongly about the other person. I keep trying to stay positive and focus on the negative things about him and our relationship, focus on the fact that it would have never worked out, but then I can’t help my mind wandering to how he would’ve been so perfect if it weren’t for BPD… why must this ugly personality disorder exist! I found out near the beginning of our relationship that he had BPD and I tried to stick around and put up with it. I even asked him to get help. But he wouldn’t. And nothing I did was ever good enough.

I just need help. Some advice? From someone who has been through this situation with a BPD please. I’d very much appreciate it. Thank you.

[brandnew234]

I really need someone who understands because all of the supportive people in my life right now have NO IDEA about BPD and how serious of a condition it is. I’ve asked them multiple times to read on it but they don’t and they always thought I was trying to make excuses for him. And of course I cannot go to his family and friends who understand for support.  So I feel really alone in this right now. So I am here for support from  people who have dealt with BPD and actually recognize that it is a serious condition.

I very recently had a break up with a BPD, today it will be 11 days since we officially broke up, 5 days since I have officially moved out, 2 days that I have gone without talking to him at all.

At first it was easy for me because I knew I couldn’t put up with how he treats me any longer, the selfishness, the lies, the false accusations, the threats, the name-calling, unfaithfulness, devaluing me. So at first I had so much hate, so much rage but now that is all turning into sadness. I’m starting to feel very much depressed. The thing that sucks about it is that I was too good for him. Everyone always told me that from the beginning, I was too good for him looks-wise, smarts-wise, relationship-wise. But despite what everyone said I couldn’t help but love him and try to see the good in him. All my life so many guys have always tried to get with me, but I can never get myself to like anyone. I thought it was because I had high standards, but then HE won me over. Probably from all the charm and worshipping that was given to me in first 2 weeks. I think the whole year of our relationship I was just trying to get back to that. A year might not seem like that long to anyone else, but to me he was definitely the first guy I have ever felt that strongly about and stayed with for that long. And moved in with. Almost had a baby with. Etc etc…. He was the first one I ever fully gave my heart to. Why does the first person I can actually like have to have BPD?

Anyways what I’m getting at is I’m starting to get very depressed because at first I was thinking “oh he’ll realize soon enough what he had” or “he’s gonna realize how wrong he was and beg for me back” or something along those lines…. And it made me feel better knowing that he’ll know he was wrong and that he messed up, NOT ME, and that he had something really good. But then I started thinking and I realized that he will never realize that. I used to push the fact that he had BPD to the side and ignore it (maybe that was my problem) but then I started wondering if BPD will affect how he views me after this break up.  “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” You know people without BPD understand this quote, but I don’t think he will. I read that once they “split you black” you’re black for good. It’s just sad that I’m here depressed feeling super down that we couldn’t work out no matter how hard I TRIED, how much EFFORT I PUT IN, and that I’m MISSING the good times we had… knowing that he’s sitting there not giving a crap probably not even thinking twice about me.

It takes me forever to find anyone I like and I loved him and his personality (when he wasn’t splitting or whatever)so much and I just don’t know what to do. How to get over this. I’ve had break ups before in the past but never one where I felt so strongly about the other person. I keep trying to stay positive and focus on the negative things about him and our relationship, focus on the fact that it would have never worked out, but then I can’t help my mind wandering to how he would’ve been so perfect if it weren’t for BPD… why must this ugly personality disorder exist! I found out near the beginning of our relationship that he had BPD and I tried to stick around and put up with it. I even asked him to get help. But he wouldn’t. And nothing I did was ever good enough.

I just need help. Some advice? From someone who has been through this situation with a BPD please. I’d very much appreciate it. Thank you.

[simplyasiam]

hello, i know it hard my ex suffers from BPD and i know where your at. plz feel free to talk to me. others here know alot more than i do but ive been living with this for 6 years. she moved out 2 months ago. shes broken up with me atleast 15 times over the years always has new b/f before she gos. when she would come back it was always my fault in some way.

the frist few days apart can be shocking and hard to deal with. no contact is best for me anyway i know how e it is to get sucked back in.

anyway tell or ask me anything about this, i know it helps to get it out

[WalrusGumboot]

today it will be 11 days since we officially broke up, 5 days since I have officially moved out, 2 days that I have gone without talking to him at all.

This is not very long at all. It's best not to ruminate about what he is thinking or feeling. Try to accept the fact that it's over, and please, give yourself enough time to grieve the loss. Time is your ally here, so understand that the sting will lessen as the days go on.

I had 23 years with my ex, so she was part of my life for more than half my life. Nearly all my memories had her in it one way or another. As time went on, I created new memories, with new people, and her memory started to fade.

It just takes time.

[causticdork]

There's no one way that people with BPD react to being dumped.  Some will stalk/obsess/promise to make it all better and some will cut off contact immediately and never speak to you again.  The only constant seems to be the lack of middle gears.  Either they miss you so much that they can't stop thinking about you for even a second, or they shrug you off and shack up with someone new. 

He may contact you full of apologies.  My ex certainly has, though none of her behaviors have changed so I don't believe them even though I think she believes them.  I was a wreck when I was ending things because so much of the relationship didn't make any sense to me, but reading and posting here made me realize that lots of people had been where I was and made it through okay.  The hardest part about the break-up, for me, was how alone I felt.  Not that I don't have a great support system, but until I started discussing specifics with people from this board I felt like no one could possibly understand. 

Some people will tell you that you need to make sure you maintain NC (no contact) and to make sure you're not still connected via Facebook or any other social app.  That works for a lot people, but it didn't work for me and it may not work for you either.  It depends on if you want him in your life at all anymore. 

I was only with my ex for a little over a year, but that break-up hurt more than any other break-up because the bond we had was so intense.  That's really common with BPD and there are some great tools here to help you understand WHY it hurts so much.   Here's a great post from the Lessons section (it's the sticky topic at the top of this board):

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

Don't be afraid to come here and vent. Share the weird random things that your ex did that you never understood, because it feels good to hear from someone else that they know exactly what you're talking about and can totally relate.  And once you're past the initial grieving period, you can start focusing on healing yourself and not letting yourself be recycled or stumble into another BPD relationship. 

[Jonie]

Hi Brandnew, o yes, I know exactly what you're going through, we're in very similar places! Like almost all of us on this forum, so you came to the right place.

I haven't seen my pwBPD for 4 months now, and the feelings of despair and devastation are just as strong as in the beginning (... . sorry to sound discouraging!). We were not living together, but I stayed at his place for about half the week, for 6 years. 6 very intense years.

I'm going through much of the same as you do. I also have very few people that understand how relationships like these work and I lost quite a few friends over that: they got tired of hearing about it; they think or say 'good riddance' or 'it's probably for the best'; or they prefer to continue partying with him and not be bothered with difficult issues. So be prepared for that. With some people I stopped talking about how my life is, and I pretend all is well - although that adds to my loneliness.

That's why I was so happy to have found this place. I find that reading about these situations is very helpful and comforting: to see that I'm not the only one going through this (- like your story is also helpful, thanks!)

I also have the same fear as you: for me it's also very rare to find someone I would like to spend my life with. When I met my friend, I felt as if my dreams came true. Not so much for his initial adoration for me, which I never took that seriously, but because we shared the same view of what is essential in life. Being with him opened up so many new worlds for me, at last I had found someone I could share the essence of life with! And now that's all gone... . !  Also, by being with him I know even more strongly that I really like and value to share my life with someone. And that I'm good in relationships! But what's the use if there's no one to share it with? How will my life ever be meaningful again?

It’s just sad that I’m here depressed feeling super down that we couldn’t work out no matter how hard I TRIED, how much EFFORT I PUT IN, and that I’m MISSING the good times we had… knowing that he’s sitting there not giving a crap probably not even thinking twice about me.

Yeah, I know these feelings! But I also know that this is what my pwBPD tries to do; deep down he feels really guilty and ashamed for letting this go - making it even more difficult for him to contact me. If you read more posts, you'll see that this is what most exes do: they pretend to have moved on quickly and live a happy life, but inside they're feeling just as lonely and rotten as before.

And yes, it's SO difficult to accept that they throw something this precious and valuable in a swamp to just sink away! That's the most difficult challenge of all, I think.

I get very depressed when I think about the future... . So what I do for hope and comfort, is to look back: a lot has happened in my life in the past 10 years - why would that suddenly stop? Will not my life be different from now in 10 years time? I never imagined finding the love of my life. So perhaps something else I can't imagine will happen in the future?

In the mean time, I keep doing things, although it's so difficult to enjoy them. I just try to keep moving... .

I agree with Causticdork, who just posted while I was typing this, on the NC-issue. For me, this was not the right way either: I knew for sure that my pwBPD still loved me, but couldn't bring himself to contact me. Plus, I wanted to take my own responsibility and not let his way of acting determine mine. So all these months I sent small texts once or twice a week to let him know I was still there for us.

The Summer holidays will start in about a week, and maybe, just maybe, that'll do him some good. If he does contact me, I'll have to see how that situation is, and if I can work with that. I don't count on it, so I am working on a Plan of Action for after 1 September on how to get a normal life for myself again, and until that day I let myself ruminate and grieve as much as I want.

I would like to know more about your story: what was the reason for your break up? Was it his choice or yours? Would you like to be back together again, or do you think it's better to let this be the past?

I'm not able to visit the forum daily, but hope to keep up with your situation, so keep posting 

[VeryConfusedGirl]

Hello, I just read what you wrote and it sounds like something I'm going through right now.

I also went through the crazy compliment phase. He was telling me all these wonderful things, making me feel like I was on top of the world. Doing anything for me, the most sweetest things. When he'd see me he would be so happy and I loved that. And I know I have to let go of that stuff now. He recently kind of started disappearing on the weekend and then would tell me some story about what he was doing and it really made no sense. I investigated and found pictures of him online on the date he told me was in another country. And when I confronted him it was apparently all my fault, that I don't understand him and that he doesn't need this hit in my life. For me the hardest part is how someone can once tell you they love you to death and can't picture life without you but then tell you they don't want to be with you anymore and that it's your fault.

It is better to be alone then to be caught in this horrible cycle of love and hate.

Did you have to be extremely careful with what you said around your partner? I'm just curious.

[tilley]

I want to encourage you that you won't feel so bad as you keep moving forward in your life and start to live again.

I have been separated from my BPD husband for 16 months now, and we will probably divorce. I understand what you're going through, it is very painfull and not easy for others to understand.

We were married for 30 years, I've known him since I was 14 years old. As I look back, I can't believe how I put up with so much disfunctional behaviour. He went from adoring me to hating me - that was my life. He was a drug addict and got off the drugs, only to relapse 3 years ago and started drinking too much, then the abuse followed. I made a difficult decision to split with him but I had to for my sanity. I'm not a nasty person, I've forgiven many of his anger outbursts and abuse. But I'm not a fool either to stay in an abusive situation. His love hate behaviour started turning to hate more often. When he was his 'nice' self, he was a beautiful man. That is the one I miss.

At times I get sad, because I still love him, but I won't let him hurt me any more. He has now totally cut off any communication with me. It is hard but it is getting easier.

I'm getting on with my new life which is good. I've made great friends, I keep active and busy, and I'm enjoying my peaceful, normal life. I know now, how much stress I was living under trying to keep him happy.

Your life is beginning a new phase. Keep yourself healthy by not thinking about the past all the time. You need to grieve, allow yourself that, but don't stay there. Your future is bright, I'll be praying for you.

[Hurtbad]

Brandnew,

You have definitely come to the right place.  Almost all the people who post here, including me, have similar stories.  It is also true that other people in your life, who do not share our experiences, don't really understand what it is really like.  the other thing that resonates for me, and I am sure the others who have and will comment, is the incredible devastation which results from a breakup with a BPD.  Some of this is part of urt make up and why we were drawn to them.  Much of it is also the intensity of these relationships and how much they and we both into the sense that "this is the one."  Perhaps the worst part is the way they move on.  It is unbearably incomprehensible.  My BPDso, who in my heart is still the love of my life, flew off three days after our breakup... . we lived together for three years... . to sleep with a guy she met on facebook.  I had not moved out yet.  I was left to feel like I never really mattered.  when she came home, she had to rush to the drugstore for a morning after pill, antibiotics for her sex induced bladder infection, and birth control pills to please her new lover.  I am sharing this horror to demonstrate how BPD's do things that seem impossibly cruel without batting an eye.  Again, they seem to move on in a way that makes you question everything, including yourself.  The pain is almost exquisite and obsessive as we try and figure it out.  A lot of it we never will.  But one thing is pretty consistent:  They move on the way they to deal with pain that would, they believe, be otherwise unbearable.  Knowing this helps a bit, but also informs us that even if we got them back, they might well ruin our lives.

The good news.  It really does get better.  I am in month four, and I have my life back, more or less.  I am a mature, accomplished man who cried every night for six weeks and who thought I would never get on an even foo  Yes, I still miss her and still have bad days.  the bad news is that there is no way to go but forward.  It is also the other good news. 

Keep coming here.  This site has been a Godsend.  It helped me more than I ever thought any single thing would do deal with this most painful event in my life.  My screen name, Hurtbad, is not what it is for no reason.

Any question you have, I will be glad to help with the little I have learned. We are all here.  You are not alone.  Hang tough.

[pari]

Brandnew,

You have written my story, word by word.

Sometimes I feel like I have woken up from a nightmare. His thoughts surround me like a demon. Sometimes I feel like I am killing my self emotionally when he is enjoying his time with new g/f. I was in the assumption that he is going through same emotional trauma like me, but it's not true. Like it is said on the forum, they don't think like us, they are programmed differently.

I couldn't keep NC like  causticdork said. May be I was weak. May be I still held myself responsible for him. But CC with him helps me clear my mind that he is happy without me, so I shouldn't be worried either.

Think of it as a bad dream and try to forget it. It's time to focus on yourself. It will get better.  You will find a lot of support on this site. People here actually understand what you are going through. Keep writing.