And It Happened...

[asher2]

So today, 7 months exactly from the last time I last had contact with my ex, I received a text message from her. I wasn't expecting it at all and it came totally out-of-the-blue. I'm almost positive it is a "fishing" text... . she's just testing the waters to see if I'm still there. Apparently she is in a city where I used to live and she sent me a picture of the downtown area. Why she thought that would be an appropriate thing to do is beyond me (considering the awful way our relationship ended). And again, it was totally unexpected. Although I kept reading on here how recycle attempts are common with those with BPD, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her again. And completely out of nowhere, I received the text from her. I didn't respond nor will I at all.

I kept thinking it would be validating if I heard from her again. Although it is a little bit, now that it has happened and knowing what I know about BPD, I honestly just feel sorry for her. It's no longer anger and hurt that I feel when I think about her, it's pity. I just hope she gets the help she needs.

Also, I honestly thought this would have happened a lot sooner than now. I posted on here shortly after we broke up and I learned about BPD saying that I was expecting bizarre behavior from her toward me. Although I think she did do some things covertly to try to keep tabs on me, I hadn't heard anything from her directly until today. My posts back then talked about me thinking she might show up at my place, or at work or something along those lines. Maybe those things are now around the corner from happening. However, I am dead set on not responding to her at all if I can help it.

Just thought I'd give an update and pass along today's occurrence on to all of you. If there is one thing I am certain of when it comes to BPD, it's that although there are certainly patterns that can generalize BPD behavior, they certainly have the tendency to do things you'd never expect!

[morningagain]

now that it has happened and knowing what I know about BPD, I honestly just feel sorry for her. It's no longer anger and hurt that I feel when I think about her, it's pity. I just hope she gets the help she needs.

Asher - thanks for posting.  It helps me as I am going through some gaslighting right now, because my wife keeps saying she wants to reconcile, but keeps ending up with her boyfriend, every time I respond that I will work towards reconciling if she gets serious therapy and if she is willing to have a two-way relationship.  I am getting therapy, working on myself, but find myself getting triggered into feelings of being betrayed and deep pain that manifests as anger and a little bit of lashing out (as opposed to much worse lashing out when we would get embroiled in a nutty tit-for-tat filled with her projections - now I reply once to maybe one out of ten or twenty absurd projections/accusations - if I can only get to NOT responding - I have done enough stupid things on my own without provoking her into even more false-accusations... . grrrraaaaarGGG).

Every time I mature a little, I seem to get more attractive to my wife - that and also the times she needs money from me because her boyfriend is a deadbeat catalyzes her to more calls.  Lots of conflicting signals.

Anyway, your post helped bring me back to a saner, more peaceful place.  Thanks, brother.



Jason

[bpdspell]

So today, 7 months exactly from the last time I last had contact with my ex, I received a text message from her. I wasn't expecting it at all and it came totally out-of-the-blue. I'm almost positive it is a "fishing" text... . she's just testing the waters to see if I'm still there. Apparently she is in a city where I used to live and she sent me a picture of the downtown area. Why she thought that would be an appropriate thing to do is beyond me (considering the awful way our relationship ended). And again, it was totally unexpected. Although I kept reading on here how recycle attempts are common with those with BPD, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her again. And completely out of nowhere, I received the text from her. I didn't respond nor will I at all.

I kept thinking it would be validating if I heard from her again. Although it is a little bit, now that it has happened and knowing what I know about BPD, I honestly just feel sorry for her. It's no longer anger and hurt that I feel when I think about her, it's pity. I just hope she gets the help she needs.

Also, I honestly thought this would have happened a lot sooner than now. I posted on here shortly after we broke up and I learned about BPD saying that I was expecting bizarre behavior from her toward me. Although I think she did do some things covertly to try to keep tabs on me, I hadn't heard anything from her directly until today. My posts back then talked about me thinking she might show up at my place, or at work or something along those lines. Maybe those things are now around the corner from happening. However, I am dead set on not responding to her at all if I can help it.

Just thought I'd give an update and pass along today's occurrence on to all of you. If there is one thing I am certain of when it comes to BPD, it's that although there are certainly patterns that can generalize BPD behavior, they certainly have the tendency to do things you'd never expect!

You sound very grounded in your decision to not respond and that shows tremendous growth on your part. Contact from them certainly means fishing to see if some hooks are still in place but stay strong and continue to heal and live your life to the fullest. They cannot ever make us happy. They are damaged goods and will only pull us into their misery and stomp on our joy if we give them an inch.

And yes. They do keep tabs. Especially when things aren't going so well with new supply.

My ex fishes all the time. But I don't take the bait cause I've worked really hard on understanding detachment. And detachment is our ticket to freedom.

Spell.

[jollygreen]

Good work on staying no contact! I was thinking there would be a lot more activity after my breakup too. But I guess if they have someone else to crap on then what's the need to contact us right? Anyways I haven't seen or heard from my ex in a while and our birthdays are coming up soon. Not sure what to expect. Your contact definitely sounds like fishing to see what you would say and if she's got you on the hook still.

[asher2]

now that it has happened and knowing what I know about BPD, I honestly just feel sorry for her. It's no longer anger and hurt that I feel when I think about her, it's pity. I just hope she gets the help she needs.

Asher - thanks for posting.  It helps me as I am going through some gaslighting right now, because my wife keeps saying she wants to reconcile, but keeps ending up with her boyfriend, every time I respond that I will work towards reconciling if she gets serious therapy and if she is willing to have a two-way relationship.  I am getting therapy, working on myself, but find myself getting triggered into feelings of being betrayed and deep pain that manifests as anger and a little bit of lashing out (as opposed to much worse lashing out when we would get embroiled in a nutty tit-for-tat filled with her projections - now I reply once to maybe one out of ten or twenty absurd projections/accusations - if I can only get to NOT responding - I have done enough stupid things on my own without provoking her into even more false-accusations... . grrrraaaaarGGG).

Every time I mature a little, I seem to get more attractive to my wife - that and also the times she needs money from me because her boyfriend is a deadbeat catalyzes her to more calls.  Lots of conflicting signals.

Anyway, your post helped bring me back to a saner, more peaceful place.  Thanks, brother.



Jason

Jason... . glad I could help... . that's why I posted it. It helped me so much early on to read other people's stories and how they were dealing with it. Hang in there with your situation with your wife. It can be hard to remember that we all deserve better than the ways we get treated by those with BPD. It can also be hard to remember we totally and completely have a say in how we respond to BPD behavior. Now that my head is 100% clearer, I can't believe I put up with the stuff I did.

Stay strong and stay in that "saner, more peaceful" place!

[asher2]

So today, 7 months exactly from the last time I last had contact with my ex, I received a text message from her. I wasn't expecting it at all and it came totally out-of-the-blue. I'm almost positive it is a "fishing" text... . she's just testing the waters to see if I'm still there. Apparently she is in a city where I used to live and she sent me a picture of the downtown area. Why she thought that would be an appropriate thing to do is beyond me (considering the awful way our relationship ended). And again, it was totally unexpected. Although I kept reading on here how recycle attempts are common with those with BPD, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her again. And completely out of nowhere, I received the text from her. I didn't respond nor will I at all.

I kept thinking it would be validating if I heard from her again. Although it is a little bit, now that it has happened and knowing what I know about BPD, I honestly just feel sorry for her. It's no longer anger and hurt that I feel when I think about her, it's pity. I just hope she gets the help she needs.

Also, I honestly thought this would have happened a lot sooner than now. I posted on here shortly after we broke up and I learned about BPD saying that I was expecting bizarre behavior from her toward me. Although I think she did do some things covertly to try to keep tabs on me, I hadn't heard anything from her directly until today. My posts back then talked about me thinking she might show up at my place, or at work or something along those lines. Maybe those things are now around the corner from happening. However, I am dead set on not responding to her at all if I can help it.

Just thought I'd give an update and pass along today's occurrence on to all of you. If there is one thing I am certain of when it comes to BPD, it's that although there are certainly patterns that can generalize BPD behavior, they certainly have the tendency to do things you'd never expect!

You sound very grounded in your decision to not respond and that shows tremendous growth on your part. Contact from them certainly means fishing to see if some hooks are still in place but stay strong and continue to heal and live your life to the fullest. They cannot ever make us happy. They are damaged goods and will only pull us into their misery and stomp on our joy if we give them an inch.

And yes. They do keep tabs. Especially when things aren't going so well with new supply.

My ex fishes all the time. But I don't take the bait cause I've worked really hard on understanding detachment. And detachment is our ticket to freedom.

Spell.

Spell... . thanks so much for your reply. It means a lot. Since joining this site in early-November, you have been one of the posters that I always pay close attention to your take on things. Thanks for all the good you do on here.

And I completely agree. I can't give her an inch because she will absolutely try to stomp all over the progress I've made. I could totally see that happening and it all starting with an "innocent" text message. I've read too many stories on here from people who think they have their emotions in check with an ex and that contact would be OK, only to see many of them come back on here and talk about how big of a mistake it was to do that. I'm not letting her to that do me. I don't trust her and even more so, I'm calling the shots now with anything that has to do with her. And the "shots" I choose to call with her is to ignore her. And to be honest, that feels damn good.

[asher2]

Good work on staying no contact! I was thinking there would be a lot more activity after my breakup too. But I guess if they have someone else to crap on then what's the need to contact us right? Anyways I haven't seen or heard from my ex in a while and our birthdays are coming up soon. Not sure what to expect. Your contact definitely sounds like fishing to see what you would say and if she's got you on the hook still.

Jollygreen... . I suspect the reason I hadn't heard from her sooner was exactly what you said. There was someone else there taking care of her emotional needs. But either A) she has messed things up with the guy she left me for B) is in the process of messing things up with the guy she left me for or C) is about to mess things up with the guy she left me for.

Fishing is all about seeing if we are still around to use as their emotional supply. And I'm not so naïve to think I'm the only one she is sending these feelers out to. Other people can reply to her, but I absolutely won't. 

[mango_flower]

So it took 7 months and things are on the skids with the new guy more than likely... .

How long were you guys together, just out of interest?

You seem really grounded and determined, and I would love to be where you are! Good on you x

[MarcinN7]

asher2

congrats on keeping NC 

I`ll think of you if and when my ex tries to contact me again which hopefully will never happen

[asher2]

So it took 7 months and things are on the skids with the new guy more than likely... .

How long were you guys together, just out of interest?

You seem really grounded and determined, and I would love to be where you are! Good on you x

Mango... . Don't laugh, but we were together for three months. And believe me, it felt like three years. The relationship was so intense so quickly. She essentially moved in after a couple of weeks and we were talking about buying a different place together. We were also very serious (well, at least on my end) about getting married and were taking steps toward that. We both wanted to have kids but wanted to get married before that happened. Her family had me over often and really liked me. I could go on and on.

I now know the relationship moved at a very unhealthy speed and things did not progress and develop over time as they should. Of course at the time I thought I was in love and the reason all this was happening so quickly was because we were supposed to get married and live happily ever after.

When the relationship was over and I was left trying to figure out what the heck happened, I saw a T who specialized in BPD and that really helped. I remember telling her that I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard time with a relationship that only lasted three months. I had been in other relationships longer before and had never experienced pain like I felt when our relationship ended. My T's response was perfect. She said "Asher, you've never been in a relationship this intense before, have you?" Right then, a light bulb clicked in my head. It was OK to feel this way. In fact, my T said that with BPD, the pain they leave behind doesn't necessarily consider how many months, or years were in the past. The pain they leave is tremendous no matter how long.

[Pretty Woman]

Asher2,

   I had to laugh at the 3mo part because I was only 11 mo with OMG, a million breaks (her initiating each time).

You are an inspiration. I think her texting you is validation enough and no need to give her anything.

When I look back at my relationship she was talking to all these exes the longer I knew her, the longer we dated. I thought maybe it was a lesbian thing (hey I am new to this) but upon speaking to my therapist (also a lesbian) this is not normal. She was lining them up for when she dumped me and guess what? Her ex from ten years ago was her new girlfriend a week after. This woman had stayed her friend for ten years! Ten years but was in a relationship that is now ending.

I can see my ex trying to friend me and use me and that is not going to happen. I am so proud of your strength. Think of it as a 3mo training program on "bad relationships to avoid" I bet the next one will be a gem, you seem swell!

Good luck and stay strong, brother!

[asher2]

Asher2,

   I had to laugh at the 3mo part because I was only 11 mo with OMG, a million breaks (her initiating each time).

You are an inspiration. I think her texting you is validation enough and no need to give her anything.

When I look back at my relationship she was talking to all these exes the longer I knew her, the longer we dated. I thought maybe it was a lesbian thing (hey I am new to this) but upon speaking to my therapist (also a lesbian) this is not normal. She was lining them up for when she dumped me and guess what? Her ex from ten years ago was her new girlfriend a week after. This woman had stayed her friend for ten years! Ten years but was in a relationship that is now ending.

I can see my ex trying to friend me and use me and that is not going to happen. I am so proud of your strength. Think of it as a 3mo training program on "bad relationships to avoid" I bet the next one will be a gem, you seem swell!

Good luck and stay strong, brother!

earthangel... . Yeah isn't it crazy how painful the aftermath is from just a short amount of time? Even today, it absolutely amazes me the "hold" this girl had on me. It was unlike any other... . not even close. I really thought I had met my future wife. In a sense, that is very scary to me. In another sense, I feel extremely lucky that it was only three months. My heart breaks reading stories of others who went through years and marriages filled with pain from being with someone with BPD. I know that I am very lucky.

[goodguy]

Good posts, guys. I get a chat message or text about once a month from her (broke up seven months ago). Chats are always to say "hey!". I just ignore it, or say I'm busy and then sign off.

[asher2]

Good posts, guys. I get a chat message or text about once a month from her (broke up seven months ago). Chats are always to say "hey!". I just ignore it, or say I'm busy and then sign off.

Goodguy... . I mentioned in my original post that I'm pretty certain my ex had been covertly keeping tabs on me since we've broken up. Among a couple of different "odd" things that have occurred since we broke up, was me continually getting a text from an odd number (a different number each time) about once a month. Usually the text would just say something like "Hey!" and if I'd respond, there would be nothing back.  Ironically, there was a thread on this last week that I participated in where I talked about this. In fact, last week I woke up one morning to see I had not only a text from an odd number (always a local number), but a missed call from that same number. Getting the text from her yesterday almost totally confirms in my head it was most likely her sending these texts.

I do not have Facebook or any social media, so for her to "keep up" on what is going on with me, she'd have to resort to doing stuff like this. I suppose they do stuff like this to somehow still feel connected to us (even if we don't reply). My guess is things in my ex's world aren't good right now and I'm back to being idealized. If I were to guess, it was her reaching out to me last week (the missed text and call) and since I never responded, her attempts are being "anted up" with the text from her number yesterday. As I said earlier, I really feel bad for her that her life is this way.

[mango_flower]

I'd never laugh at three months, I mean, I was with mine 11 months... .

But after 3 months we were spending every day after work together, every weekend, we'd said "I love you", talked about marriage and kids, and it felt like we'd known each other forever. It's very hard to explain to people who haven't been through this sort of relationship - that is why this place is so great! x

[asher2]

I'd never laugh at three months, I mean, I was with mine 11 months... .

But after 3 months we were spending every day after work together, every weekend, we'd said "I love you", talked about marriage and kids, and it felt like we'd known each other forever. It's very hard to explain to people who haven't been through this sort of relationship - that is why this place is so great! x

Mango... . Indeed. I remember we had dinner with a couple that she worked with and when she told them that we were living together after two months of dating, you should have saw the look on both of their faces! And even at that point in time, it hit me... . "This isn't normal." But of course, I was going to get married to her so what did it matter?

Truly amazing the stuff I did and put up with... .