Fighting the thoughts

[crystalclear]

Most of you on this board know my story, so will not repeat it and tire you readers  

A few thoughts doing the rounds for sometime;

During the final days with him, he gave a cold sholder and at times gave me 'wordly knowledge' of i should fix 'my problems' - I need to be 'Practical' in life. He said 'Life is not fair' and i should get used to it. He said this when i told him it is unfair that he wouldn't give me another chance while i gave him several.

I am 'irrational' in love i guess. I do not calculate the 'give-take' part and do everything to keep 'us' happy.

He witnessed that I have been going through a financial crunch as i spend all my money to visit thousands of miles away once every 2-3 months to meet him. I feel like he saw what a 'mess' i was in and was no longer appealing to him.

I feel like i was 'worthless' or 'invaluable' to him. He is now married to a girl from a well to do family, highly qualified woman at a very good position and earning good money - suiting his status and family culture.

What i fail to understand is that he met my family and wanted to marry me. Why suddenly did he analyse my worth (if he did)?

I feel like ' I was not good enough for him'. May be i am a BIG mess.

Struggling to fight this feeling for months.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've had a 'not good enough' or 'less than' mindset my whole life, my BPD ex knew it, and used it to her advantage constantly.  Mind you I wasn't unique, she treated everyone who got close enough like crap, but the constant criticism, devaluation, complaining, and overall just being a drag to be around fed right into my 'less than' mindset and fixer mentality, creating a very toxic bond, painful all around.

And the breakthrough for me post relationship, is boundaries, both creation and maintenance.  Someone told me that when a BPD shows us their crap, they're showing us how they were treated growing up, continual complaints, devaluations, yadda; sucks to be her, but that is not supportive of me and therefore unacceptable.  Beyond her, I've now removed several people from my life who were not meeting my needs at all, and have added some who do.  I don't have to do this alone, and I deserve to have supportive, loving people in my life.  And it's my responsibility to ask for what I need, and if someone won't or can't give me what I need, see ya, gotta go.  All new for me, and it feels great!

[crystalclear]

Thank you fromheeltoheal for your response.

I am as such a very confident, and free spirited person. Yes, i did tell him many times that 'in love' i am irrational and do no calculate silly stuff such as no.of times one calls me or i call or texts or etc. But he constantly differed there - as he said he is a very 'rational' person in love or not.

It showed finally, and i feel like a dunce!