A little perspective...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all.  Had a brief, interesting conversation tonight and I thought I would share because I see it making a few people feel a little warmer.

I was drinking tonight amongst friends, one of whom is a girl I was friends with all throughout high school.  We got on the topic of relationship partners, and she shared that she was talking to 3 different guys at once.  I asked and confirmed with her that she wasn't committed to any one of them, that they were aware it was a casual fling type of deal. I.e., she was not cheating.  She confirmed it, and we discussed it a little bit.  She shared that "after 3.5 years trying to make a relationship work with someone, and failing, it is comforting to know that you are wanted still... . ". We talked a little more and she added that, "it is knowing that you could be with someone, talk to someone, besides that relationship partner.

And then the most profound part.

She told me that, "it's funny, we come off as confident and happy and satisfied to everyone else, and no one sees the real us, the us that is hurting and sad.".

This, coming from a "popular" girl, a party girl, one who exudes self worth and happiness.

It reinforced something critical for me... . The same concept behind Facebook.  The idea that what you see on Facebook is the best of other peoples lives, while you compare that with the worst of your own.  That appearances are not always a valid show of how things really are.


So far as I know, this girl was not involved with a BPD at all.  But it was incredibly comforting to know that other people, outisde our particular situation, also struggle with feeldings of being wanted.

Peace

[Octoberfest]

Hi all.  Had a brief, interesting conversation tonight and I thought I would share because I see it making a few people feel a little warmer.

I was drinking tonight amongst friends, one of whom is a girl I was friends with all throughout high school.  We got on the topic of relationship partners, and she shared that she was talking to 3 different guys at once.  I asked and confirmed with her that she wasn't committed to any one of them, that they were aware it was a casual fling type of deal. I.e., she was not cheating.  She confirmed it, and we discussed it a little bit.  She shared that "after 3.5 years trying to make a relationship work with someone, and failing, it is comforting to know that you are wanted still... . ". We talked a little more and she added that, "it is knowing that you could be with someone, talk to someone, besides that relationship partner.

And then the most profound part.

She told me that, "it's funny, we come off as confident and happy and satisfied to everyone else, and no one sees the real us, the us that is hurting and sad.".

This, coming from a "popular" girl, a party girl, one who exudes self worth and happiness.

It reinforced something critical for me... . The same concept behind Facebook.  The idea that what you see on Facebook is the best of other peoples lives, while you compare that with the worst of your own.  That appearances are not always a valid show of how things really are.


So far as I know, this girl was not involved with a BPD at all.  But it was incredibly comforting to know that other people, outisde our particular situation, also struggle with feeldings of being wanted.

Peace

[Octoberfest]

To refine last nights thoughts a little... .

I was touched by the conversation because it proved to me that everyone else is not off all fine and dandy in their lives while we mope about our BPDex's.  Basic logic would tell you that, but it was still profound to me to see that from someone who I always thought was on top of the game and doing well.  She told me that she learned this year to "fake it until you make it".  An intriguing concept to me... . I did a lot of reflection yesterday and am just working to walk further along the acceptance path, accepting that things are the way that they are, trying to better appreciate all of the gifts and opportunities that I have right in front of my face, and trying to not let the past bog me down, whether in sadness, hate, anger, or any other emotion.  I am trying to break free from the FOG... .   And I am so excited to do so.

Keep going guys.  It DOES get better.  But only if you truly want it to.

[Peabody]

Glad to see that you were having some fun on the night out, Octoberfest. I was just refining this idea the other day that we are reflecting the "best" of ourselves over facebook all the time and it reminds me of when my exwBPD would always try and brag using her facebook and post the "best" of what shes doing. It was actually one of the reasons I blocked her when she decided to post a picture with the new dude when I knew her intention was to show that she enjoyed what she did. You are so right though my man, it does get better as long as you think that way. Sure, I still have dreams where my exwBPD and I chill are reconcile or something silly but I wake up, reflect about it, then go about my day. It's amazing I can carry love but not have to have that person in my life for emotional torment.

There will always be that human need for acceptance but in reality you need to open your eyes and see that you are already accepted if you accept yourself. As long as you accept yourself, what power does anyone else have?

[scuba02]

I once heard a speaker say something that sums this up pretty good "I compare my insides to your outsides and I lose every time" and yes "fake it til you make it is another big one in our program"... . Also "acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today"

At first these cliches drove me nuts... . felt like i was being stoned to death with refrigerator magnets... . When you stop look and listen they make so much damn sense... . and this is a program i detested and fought for years... . my exBPD would attend regular meetings with me and she really seemed to take something from them... . never lasted long though!

[Clearmind]

What you see is never what you get unless you know a person well and have spent a great deal of time ensuring words = actions.

A Borderline or anyone with a traumatic past will never show their true colors and the majority hide behind a mask. Want to be in lust quick with no apparent knowledge of who a person really is - date a person with personal issues, no authentic self, has done no soul searching as to why previous relationships failed and who has a history of a poor childhood... . there you have a lustful relationship that leads no where for either of you.

This is what happened in our relationships. Not everyone dates a Borderline and stays.

[Trick1004]

Good thoughts, in the last contact email I had with my ex BPD three days ago she said she guessed she was happy I seemed to be processing through stuff about the relationship (I have been, but it has been a slow, painful, but enlightening process. She doesn't know that though and probably wouldn't like what I've started to figure out), but that she didn't know what she was doing. The best she had was she trying to stay busy to not think about the about the breakup.

Seems pretty borderline to me, to just exit a 4 year relationship and not reflect on it at all. Even from day one, I saw and worked on approaching the breakup as a learning experience. Guess she would rather shove it away and she always told me I was the one not in touch with my emotions  .

Trick