Switching from romantic involment to friendship.

[Matena]

Hi again,

I have another question. As I said before, I understand that my SOwBPD has a disorder and the incorrect,"illogical" things he does sometimes are caused by this disorder and, as a result, he is only partially responsible for his acts. Being close to a PwBPD is not easy, but I can imagine being a BPD must be very hard and painful too, as they are emotionally impaired in some sense. Because I am aware of this, because I know I am very important for him, and because I love him, I once decided I would never turn my back on him and I would always continue to be there for him when he needs me.

Up to now we have been involved in a romantic way and it has worked for me. However, it's getting to a point where I am starting to feel the necessity to move on and maybe shift our relationship to just friendship. I have a lot of affection for him, I know he loves me too, but at the same time, I think I deserve to have a "normal" relationship with a man, not just an on-and-off relationship with someone, with no future expectations, with suspicions about him keeping other parallel long-distance relationships, with me being the stable part of the relationship and so on... .

Do you think this would be possible? Does anyone have any experience with this? I once tried to do it, once I found out he had been flirting with a woman from Norway on FB and asumed they were having some sort of relationship. This is what I wrote then:

"I just read your affectionate post to someone else on FB. I can't say I like it, but I guess I should be OK with that. You are a free person, and you have the right to love whoever who fall in love with. I will love you just the same.

However, I will be visiting in the short term, and there's something I'd like to make clear. I don't like being someone's lover, I don't like being someone's spare love either. So, I'd like to make it clear I will be visiting just as a friend. Is this OK?"

His reaction was to call me right away, saying I was the only person he loved in the world and I was making stupid assumptions (I didn't completely believe him though). Then he became very clingy and intense about his feelings in the next few weeks. So I finally decided to let things stay for the time being.

So my question is: Is it possible to switch from a romantic relationship to friendwith with a BPD partner without them painting you black or feeling abandoned? If so, how can I do it? Any advice?

Thanks a lot! 

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[charred]

With two normal adults that have been in a close romantic relationship, it is almost impossible to "just be friends"... . usually if one suggests that it what they want, it means they want to end the relationship. With one of the partners disordered, I would think the chances are less than "almost impossible"... . would be very doubtful that it could work. With BPD no chance... . as you would be triggering their abandonment issues while still being around to fight with.

Trying to stay in the r/s while using all the communication tools, and refusing to battle could end up in about the same situation as a friendship vs romantic involvement... . as the sex/romance seems to get chased away by the caretaking and disorder. But that isn't what you were asking about.

You seem to be wanting to end the r/s, but not hurt the other person... . and that also doesn't work. You can stay in the r/s and work on making it better, or do your best to end it as cleanly for both of you as possible, but trying to straddle a middle position... . is about your most painful option.

Wish I could say I read all that... . but I have tried to just be friends, and to go from romantic to friends, and it made things much worse.

[Dawning]

Have you read Patience and Clear's posts? If not, I would strongly suggest doing so.

[Grey Kitty]

With normal/healthy/non-PD people, it is possible. I know many people who are friends with their ex's. I don't know the whole story most of the time... . but most of those that I do know involve a time of no contact/low contact to heal from the breakup, and let hearts adjust to the new version.

From what I have read on the "Leaving" board, the period of NC needed after breakup with a pwBPD can be much longer. Only you will know what you need.

I haven't tried it with a pwBPD, but P&C isn't the only story I've read in these forums. All the anecdotes I've seen have been failures to have a "normal friendship". Some people are happy with this sort of relationship; others aren't.

If you and your pwBPD try this, expect any push-pull aspects of your romantic relationship to continue. That is alternating periods of closeness which is more than would be appropriate for a friendship (i.e. might make a new romantic partner who is being reasonable jealous), and periods of much more distance than you have with a good friend.

[Matena]

Thanks a lot for your comments and suggestions.

Charred, everything you say makes a lot of sense to me. At this point I'm not really sure about what I want to do. Just trying to see what my options are in order to make a decision. As you said, the middle position would probably be the hardest one, contrarily to what I initially thought.

Dawning, thank your for the suggestion. I will follow your advice and read Patience and clear posts about this.

Thanks a lot for your feedback, Grey Kitty. What you mention about a new romantic partner is a good point. It didn't even occurr to me to think about that.