possible new wife and crazy ex

[samnc]

I might get married again to a woman who is wonderful.  My ex-wife (who has the same nutty features all of you are going through) has already told me that she will make my life a living hell if I get married again, she will use my son as a weapon against me etc... .  

I know I can prevail in a custody fight if she does not follow the custody agreement, but I am not excited about something that I am 100% sure will end up in a fight with her.  How did you get re-married and not go crazy from the ex-wife, where you had a child together?

Absolutely nothing can be done to logically show her that the new wife is a good mother, good with the kids etc... .  So, that is out.  Reasoning about anything won't work.

Also, when did you tell the ex about marriage?  Right after the proposal?  Right before the wedding?  About when you told your child you had with her? thanks!

[mamachelle]

samnc

Hi... I'm a Non married to a Non. Both of us with kids from previous marriages. We used to joke that when we were dating it was like we were having an affair because we were sneaking around and not letting our exes know.

Both of our exes took it okay I guess in retrospect. Ok in that no one shot at us. LOL not! Well sure BPDexW went ballistic, cried, threatened, and then stopped and then started and refused to meet me for like 6 months... but she had a BF and was hopeful that things would work out and they didn't so she spiraled more. 

We told the exes after we told the kids but before the kids saw them again in the visitation cycle. I am not sure how old your child is--so if they are little it is different than if they are pre-teen or teenager. I think we told them in April for a June wedding and they ranged in age from 2-10.

The fireworks started later with my exBPDH because he had a GF with 3 kids and he was starting a new life and with both the drama continued on and off for many years. Still kind of sputtering away in the background but it has been 6 years almost.

Many on this board are still dealing with the fallout but to be honest there is no way I would have ever gone back or let my exBPDH influence my future or scare me out of making the choices I've made. It's been better for my kids to have 2 stable parents to model after as well.

You need to make the moves you want to make, understanding she will spiral. So from a legal perspective, make sure all is in place before you make the announcement.

Hope this helps.

[tog]

Don't let her scare you out of marrying a good woman... .  but for what it's worth, my SO and I have decided we will get married discreetly and tell his S13 the day before. Otherwise we are sure she will make sure he misses it.

[samnc]

I have 100% confidence she will want to undermine a wedding/try to have my son not attend etc... .  

[tog]

Yep. In our case, neither of us care about a big wedding or having family there, we'd rather do it on the sly so SS is there and then have a big party later with family (knowing he might not be at that part).  If you can keep it secret and not tell son until right before it might help.

HOWEVER, I will say... .  SS has already said (randomly, with no prompting from either of us) that he'd be "fine with me marrying his father", so we feel like if we tell him last minute he won't be horrified or upset about the prospect.

[mamachelle]

Yes, exBPDw said a lot of stuff to my then 9 yo SS

She planted ideas in his head like he could stand up and object during our ceremony.

He didn't ... .  Though I was nervous he would and he had a hard time with the ceremony but did ok in the end. He is on the autism spectrum which we didn't know at the time.

Also she told him that Dad had been married before and that Dad had lied to him about that.

Really SS had just not been told because there were no kids from that marriage and it had not been a topic that needed to be discussed... .  She was trying to say this new marriage would not last.

My other 2SS were 2 and 4 so she tried to use Scooby Doo to compare me to a witch 

Which resulted in my SS then 4 screaming and crying that I was not a witch!

So, depending on the age, when you cross that bridge you can involve your son and decide when you want to tell him. I would not surprise him with it if he is young but not sure how old he is or what his overall demeanor is... .  

We had a small ceremony, only immediate family.

She left town for a month round the time of the ceremony so that helped...

[Catsmother]

samnc, at least your ex is being upfront with and declaring her intentions. You might be lucky and she might not follow through, but at least you have been put on notice.

Please don't tell your ex beforehand (or your child for that matter) that you are going to get married. Hopefully you have your child on a regular basis, so if you want the child there at the wedding just plan it during your time. Ex's with prior knowledge of wedding dates tend to do all manner of things to really get to you, such as ridiculous haircuts, withholding the child, turning up at the wedding. You don't owe her anything. If you wish, and especially if the child attends the wedding, you can tell the ex afterwards, but no need to do so beforehand. And if the child isn't there, then maybe you can "wing" telling the ex for awhile as well.

Congratulations.

[samnc]

Thanks, got him each week and we want something small.  Only way to do it without stress is to tell him the day of or before when I have him, which is each wknd.  He is six, but i asked him about marring GF and he has no objections.

[NorthernGirl]

DH and I told his three sons we were engaged a few months prior. DH told the boys he would inform their mother (UBPD) but within one minute, SS18 (who has special needs) was on the phone to his mom. He is supposed to report all that goes on at his father's house. He hung up the phone and turned to us and said "Mom didn't yell!" as though we should all be pleased. He also said he told his Mom she should marry her on-again, off-again boyfriend so she wouldn't get jealous. 

DH's ex focus was on trying to mess up our plans. DH did not include any mention of wedding date and honeymoon when he got her okay on the summer schedule, but we were taking SS18 much more than her which was her main concern, so she readily agreed. Once she heard our plans from SS18, she would send DH almost weekly emails trying to mess things up. She claimed she hadn't agreed to SS18's schedule, told DH he was cruel for not keeping SS18 with him after the wedding, then said something had come up that meant the schedule just wouldn't work, and on and on. We had expected this, so had back-up plans in place if she wouldn't take SS18. In the end, it was all just huffing and puffing, and SS18 attended the wedding and went back to her place as planned.

I think you have to go with your gut. We figured DH's ex would make the bigger deal of trying to mess up our plans than trying to convince the boys not to come to the wedding, and that's where she focussed. She loves to tell everyone who will listen how we should never had gotten married without SS20 being there (SS20 had come out of addiction treatment and was back drinking, lying and stealing - and being enabled by his mom -- so DH told him he couldn't attend.) So go with your gut.

[GaGrl]

All of DH 's children were adults when we married and The Dark Princess still couldn't 't let it be. I learner on the morning of our wedding that TDP planned to pick up our daughter-in-law from the wedding... about 5:30... .  problem was that the ceremony was at 4 and the wedding was a small family affair in our home.  I had to tellDH I didn't care what he said or how he did it or what alternate arrangements must be made, but he was responsible for making sure that his ex did not appear on our wedding day. He took care of it.

Aside from it justbei g inappropriate, I truly had no idea what she might do or say. It could range from as mild as a snarky comment ( THIS ALWAYS. happens) to a full-flexged drama event).

[soontobeexsilihope]

If you find a good woman, I say go for it!  BUT I would make sure she knows (or at least is expecting) the level of crazy she is going to have to contend with... .  

My brother's new wife and he dated for almost 2 years before they got married in November of last year, so she got a good look at how nutso my brother's ex-wife is - and then some.  But every time we think she can not stoop any lower, she finds a new gutter to crawl around in... .

The Thursday before my brother and his fiance were to get married, exUBPD hacked his facebook account and sent his soon to be bride a message from my brother as though my brother "accidentally" sent her a message when he meant to send to a "friend" seeking advice about his upcoming nuptials.  His message said that he wasn't sure he was ready to marry her, that he was still hung up on exUBPD, talked about sexually explicit things, etc.  Initially his new wife was upset because she thought the message really was from my brother, but when the message said "she was the best mother and wife a man could ask for" she knew my brother had been hacked.  I guess exUBPD thought that bogus facebook message would be enough for them to call off the wedding.  If it weren't so pathetic, it would be funny. 

And her jealousy hasn't stopped there.  She has now called CPS TWICE on my brother (who has primary custody of the kids after a lengthy and protracted custody battle btw) and reported that they abuse the children and that my brother's new wife runs around in skimpy, seethrough nightgowns and has made advances towards my brother's 15 yo SS.  CPS showed up at school and interviewed not only my brother's kids, but also his new wife's two children!

And during spring break visitation exUPBD told my brother's 10 yo daughter that the reason she and dad weren't together still was because her dad was 'sleeping with' (yes, that's what she told the 10 year old!) his new wife while they were still together when it was the exUPBD who was in fact unfaithful in the marriage! 

But if you've found a woman who loves you and your child in spite of your ex, then you are a lucky man!  I am thankful on a daily basis that my brother has found a woman who is a great wife and a caring, nurturing understanding mother.  Don't let your ex cheat you out of any more happiness in your life!  (and be prepared for the drama to be ramped up to the nth degree)

Good luck!

[DivDad]

When I remarried, I picked a date that coincided with my weekly rotation of the kids.

My Bline-ex picked up the kids from school a few days before the wedding... .   violated the court rotation. She wanted me make it an issue... .   and chase after my kids who were expected to attend the wedding.

I chose not to make it an issue.

It's what the Bline wanted... .   but I didn't chase her.  Consequently, the kids didn't attend the wedding.

You need to take steps to insure the Bline doesn't start the whole parent alientation thing.

They are masters at weaving a web of deceit and lies to the minor kids.

They will paint the new spouse as evil.  That you are spending more time with her... .   and not them.

That the new spouse is a gold digger.  And a host of other lies.  It will be relentless.  It will be non-stop.

You need to document and keep copious emails, texts, phone messages, etc.

Think down the road.  Build up a case.  There is not a whole lot you can do when the kids are at the Bline house.

except start a document trail.

Courts frown upon parent alienation.

You need to prepare for it.

[Allure]

SAMNC,

We got married secretly and no one knew. His and my children were vacationing with their respective grandparents at that time. I did not question the secrecy because we decided to get married before he deployed, instead of after his deployment as we had planned. We were going to have a big wedding when he came back and invite everyone then but with everything else that is going on, we will need to postpone that.

Knowing what I know now, he did not want his ExPDW to know.

These are the things I wish my DH has done before we got married.

1. Tell me that his Ex wife has PD/mental illness. All I was told was she has Anxiety Issues. It doesn't mean I would not have wanted to get married. I just wished I knew specially since DH deployed a few months after we got married so I could have been prepared in how to deal with her or I could have opted not to take the kids which I ended up doing in the end. I am still trying to understand the disease.

2. Informed me on how to deal with her since he has experience and knows not to engage her.

3. Modified the PP.

[hell0kitty]

A big reason why my BF and I remain unwed is due to the BPDex. Even though she just got married, we know her, she would find a way to cause drama.  She made sure that his daughter could not be reached when our son was born, even though she had promised she could come to the hospital well in advance.

With our luck, she'd shave the poor girls head the day of the wedding or something even weirder.

IF we ever do it, we will make sure it is during our Summer vacation days and make sure we do NOT tell the child in advance so that mom will not find out. 

[hell0kitty]

 

And during spring break visitation exUPBD told my brother's 10 yo daughter that the reason she and dad weren't together still was because her dad was 'sleeping with' (yes, that's what she told the 10 year old!) his new wife while they were still together when it was the exUPBD who was in fact unfaithful in the marriage! 

We had a similar thing happen.  We met 2.5 years after their relationship ended (and it was BPDex who ended it) and D7 informed me sometime last year that she knows that her dad and I started dating when her mama and him still lived together. I QUICKLY explained to her that this was not the correct information, and that mom must have her dates wrong.  Not a convo I EVER thought I'd be having with a (then) 6 year old!

[ForeverDad]

I agree with picking a date that coincides with your parenting time, but beware there are ways that can be out-maneuvered if ex declares a vacation then.  Or pick a holiday time since holidays trump vacations and the regular parenting schedule.  Another alternative to consider is to give notice of your own vacation that week, presuming that your order doesn't discriminate against 'stay-cations'.  Vacations may not trump holidays but they trump the regular schedule.

If an exchange is denied, then be prepared to immediately file (if enough in advance) for ex parte action?  A lawyer could tell you how to best to prepare for legal contingencies.

[ForeverDad]

I thought of another aspect... . How aware is your girlfriend of the future parental conflict where she may get peripherally involved to a greater or lesser extent?  In my life, years after my marriage had imploded I reconnected with a friend I had known and lost long before I even met my ex.  Yes, the decades had changed us both and we both have our health issues now, but a huge issue was that while she could easily handle the prospect of marrying me and even me being a father, she couldn't handle the thought of several more years of me having to deal with my ex on parenting issues.  She didn't want anyone or anything to come between her and her husband - and especially not a contentious ex.