How to ease the hurt and pain?

[gallerykey]

Well i havent been on here for a while as I (foolishly) believed he would change. The last 6 months of a 2 year relationship have been awful but I have allowed it to happen so its also my fault. It has been constant arguments where he runs off to his mums for a few days then comes back. The constant lying (pathological liar) has made me become obsessive with finding out the truth them im accused of prying into his life which no one has a right to do. I get the feeling he is either seeing or planning to be with someone else as he ran off to mums a week ago. I get texts and emails saying Im going to change im getting lots of help etc... . then it flips and he goes into a rant of how unsupportive i am and i dont care. I decided i couldnt take anymore and the fact he had taken his stuff with him i said it was over and wanted my front door key back. I heard nothing until the next day when i heard the usual of how much he loves me, wants to be with me, has no intention of being with anyone else, then when i dont respond im fat, ugly, horrible, selfish and everything else. I had a miscarriage last year and the baby would of been due now. When i did reply to one of his texts and said that i was bit low because the baby would of been due now his response was "whatever", i was heart broken. Despite several requests for my key i still havent had it. Last night he text me saying i didnt care as hadnt asked about any of his appointments and that i was controlling, made him worse and he resented me. I have not replied and have had nothing since. It is so hard not to contact him but I know I just cant as it will start the cycle again. What should I expect now? Will he accept its over and leave it at that or will he at some stage want to try again? Im heartbroken but relieved at the same time. So confused and need help

[willtimeheal]

Get your locks changed.  He will not change.  They never change-they are selfish, lying, and only care about themselves.  And I don't care if they are mentally ill, no one has the right to put anyone through this kind of pain!

[simplyasiam]

keeping reaching out ppl are here for you we all feel for you

[gallerykey]

I just find it so hard, I know lots of people do but I feel so alone. I sit here in tears wondering what i did wrong, could I of tried harder? I know the real answer to that but it doesnt make it easier. I feel completely broken and want to run away in the hope everything will be alright. I cant see how I will ever trust another man ever again and thats sad as I dont want to be alone forever. I dont think I can do this

[willtimeheal]

I'm72

I hear you. I have this huge support system and yet I feel completely alone. I wonder if I could have done more and wonder if I tried hard enough. I spent most of today going through th  motions of life. I would just start crying and feel empty and incomplete. How will I trust another person or myself again?  Will I ever feel normal or happy again?  Will this pain ever go away?

[ScotisGone74]

I geuss the thing is that when you are with pwBPD you give up soo much of yourself in trying to do for them, make them happy, do the things that they like/want to do that we forget and loose ourselves somewhere along the way.  Remember all the things that we used to do before we were enmeshed and joined at the hip with these people?  Remember that thing you used to have a clear love of before you became embroiled in constant daily drama?  Find that thing that you had a clear enjoyment for before this trainwreck and go do the heck out of it again!   

[gallerykey]

Thanks for replies, everything just seems too hard at the moment. I lost my friends when we were together as he always accused me of cheating (which I have never done) when he probably has. I dont have the confidence to just go out, I wouldnt know where to begin, cant even remember interests I had before. Do people ever meet up on here as a way of making new friendships?

[papawapa]

Keep your chin up. I know that right now it doesn't seem like it ever will, but as time passes it will get easier. Your emotions will become less volatile. I couldn't eat for the first three weeks after my split. I couldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I would cry everyday. It has been around six weeks now for me and I am eating again and beginning to sleep better. The tears are only flowing maybe once a week now for me. Keep coming to the board and talking to us, it helps. Find a therapist for yourself and start working on your own issues. Reconnect with your old friends that you were isolated from.

[willtimeheal]

Imj72

I cry everyday sometimes all day. I find no pleasure in the day. I can't eat. My body shakes and I cannot sleep. You are not alone. my mind is full of thoughts of her. I try to go on with my life but it is just me going thru the motions. People say it will get better and I hope it will because I can't imagine living like this. It has been one week of NC and it hurts like nothing I have ever felt. Knowing she is out there with someone else enjoying life kills me and my heart is numb. I am numb. I am empty.

[simplyasiam]

its so hard the 1st few weeks. i was in shock at the start

time and links at the right of this page are what got me to this point

not that im totaly healed but i do feel better

for me my ex leaving me so many times before had had trained me to stay shock of the 1st few days becouse she always came back.

ex has been gone 60 day and 30 days of no contact im sure only about 15 of the past 90 days have i really started to see how bad i had it for 6 years.

im sure like me along the way you find little in what friends and family say to you that will open your eyes.

alot of her family began to tell me thing she did and said i didnt know about it hurt but it helped to see how bad she was treating me.

posting here helps alot to get out your pain and feeling.

if your in no contact with them try and stay that way... . i know its ez to say but it helps

im almost at point where i think i could say know to contact if she made contact.

i know im at point i will not reach out to her... . ive come to far to beg to go back to hell.

[willtimeheal]

I think that is the hardest part in the past she always came back... . this time I don't think she is. She is with someone else and I am having a hard  time wrapping my brain around how she can be with someone else if she loves me so much. Just last week she proclaimed her love to me said she has loved  me all her life and I will always be the one. She has loved me for four years maybe longer and she can never imagine loving anyone else but me. But here I sit all alone and there she is with someone new. Wacked!

[charred]

Have some support around you for the worst of it, I moved in with my sister and having family around helped with the hurt.

Mindfulness can help once you are to the point you can pursue it, its essentially learning to live in the here and now, rather than ruminating on the past or future.

Much of the hurt comes from being idealistic and ego involved (putting them on a pedestal, thinking they are the perfect one for you, etc)... . rather than being accepting of the truth of the situation (they are disordered, all the r/s they are in are toxic and unstable, and they may not have felt same way that you did or seen things same way.) 

When the rosy glasses are off, you still have hurt, but it gets easier to keep functioning and realize that rather than it being the end of the world... . having them out of your life can be a blessing.

[willtimeheal]

I know how toxic she was and I know how abusive she was. I think back about everything she put me through and continues to put me through but for some strange reason I still miss her. I know she  is more harmful to me and I am better off without her but why can't my brain and heart realize it?  I know  it in my mind. Why can't I accept it?

[charred]

I know how toxic she was and I know how abusive she was. I think back about everything she put me through and continues to put me through but for some strange reason I still miss her. I know she  is more harmful to me and I am better off without her but why can't my brain and heart realize it?  I know  it in my mind. Why can't I accept it?

Struggled with what made the r/s with a pwBPD so different from a normal r/s, and concluded it was a couple different things; The pwBPD in all stages... . paid attention to you. They ignored boundaries, and even made our fantasies real for a moment.

At first it was to mirror and gain rapport and pull you in... . but they listened, they seemed to care and we craved that feeling that we were important. When they were clingy, it was a bit irritating, but it also made it seem like we really mattered to them. When they split us, painted us black, etc... . STILL it was clear we were central on their mind, they listened to every word with rapt attention (often to turn them on us)... . but the attention was on us, think we were important to them.

Many of us have complained about pwBPD ignoring boundaries... . in my case I had a wall that kept people at a distance, worked for everyone except my pwBPD... . who ignored it and gave the illusion of being my soul mate for a time. When most people keep their distance from you, you get really lonely for intimacy, and having someone disregard distancing to be with you because you matter SO much... . just ate it up.

The needy karpman drama triangle type feelings were intense and seemed like love, and having this attractive, intense, dramatic person acting out sex fantasies is about the most fun you can have... . and that is what everyone seems to miss. The fantasy in our mind of what we had. (Which is what it was... . a fantasy)... . and drama played in to it. For drama you need stagemanship, planning, actors, and fantasy, and pwBPD can be very adept actors, can push/pull and manipulate you in to situations that are like an adrenaline rush... . often bad, but intense. After a while you are left with PTSD and a broken feeling inside and doubt about everything you thought you knew... . but it really is dramatic.

I spent a decade pining for my pwBPD... . and some 25 yrs or so after she dumped me without explanation I got her back and was intent on making it work this time... . we recycled about 7 times... . and we both still have strong feelings, but I ended it and miss the attention and intensity of the relationship... . but not the horrors of it. I lost a career, a business, a job, and a marriage due to the r/s with my pwBPD... . my self esteem took a hit it never recovered from and nothing good came from the r/s.

We all want them back... . only with changes... . only the good part, not the bad, the idealizer of us, not the hater. And we are devastated to even suspect that we didn't really matter a great deal to them like they did to us... . but it was so dramatic, and we know they are great actors... . yet we don't want to accept that it largely WAS acting.

Real love and intimacy takes a lot of time, it comes from building trust, from shared experiences and proof in the world over time that the person has integrity, that they have values we cherish, goals in common with us and would be a mate we could be proud to be with, have offspring with and be proud to grow old with and revel in. None of that matches an r/s with a pwBPD... . zilch, zero, phooey. When we abandon reality and step in to believing their world of make believe, we get burned bad. The signs are all there, but we ignore them... . the r/s moves too fast, they seem too good to be true, they isolate us from everyone and become all consuming of our time and attention, they like everything we do and seem perfect, we notice   , but ignore them, and start fantasizing about a perfect future with the perfect person... . but we get dumped or a toxic r/s that is a new level of hell.

The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... . leaving us a hole (or core wound if you like)... . that the pwBPD seems to fill. We go back and forth with our parents, get moralized from them and cuss them... . but have a lifelong attachment and find it hard to be without them, especially permanently... . and the breakups and pain of the r/s with the pwBPD... . is very much like that... . that is why our mind sees the problem but our heart doesn't.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion.

Its our stroked ego, our false self buying in to a play,... .   then finding out the actor isn't the character in the play, but just some flaky actor or actress that is tired of performing and wants to move on to the next show with the next partner.

[gallerykey]

Wow, reading that hurt but made so much sense. Its a cruel cruel world. I do understand it must be awful for the pwBPD trying to live a life as normally as they think is normal but when they admit they know they have a problem and say going to seek help do they not really see it? Are they still lying to them and us? I suppose what im asking is do they EVER just for a moment think about someone else even if it was wishing they could change and not actually putting the effort in? I think Ive had too many examples of him being first without thinking of anyone else. Despite me not wanting to reply to his text I did, just to say i dont have time for this as taking daughter to A & E and maybe u should read previous messages to see why im hurt. Yeah u guessed the response wasnt why whats wrong with her ( did live with us for 2 years) but what message, i dont go that far back. Now at least that kind of response makes it easier for me to walk away as my kids are my life. Give me another 2 days and guess what? I will be crying for him again. I really cant get my head round it all, Im not a weak person so why me?

[willtimeheal]

You make incredible sense. What hurts is I stood by her thru everything... . her messed up family her alcoholism her sicknesses,etc... .  now she is sober her abusive father is in jail and  her life seems to be on track. It hurts knowing I was  there and suppored her thru all the difficult times but now that her life seems balanced and moving forward she dumped me and her new guy gets to enjoy all the benefits of the new her.  He gets to be a family with the sober her and her kids. That was suppose to be me.

[bewildered2]

remember people to be patient here... . that in time the pain will pass... . that you were addicted to the way you felt when times were good... . when you were being put on a pedestal by someone with problems much bigger than yours... . but that the nature of the disorder meant that it could not last... .

easing the hurt and pain takes time... . but the process is speeded up with you doing some work... . making the effort to renew old acqaintances... . to make new ones... . to reconnect with people and family that you haven't seen for a while... . to get back involved with activities that you have enjoyed in the past... . and to try new ones that you've always wanted to try... .

b2

[gallerykey]

I know youre right, Im a reasonably intelligent person that knows what hes done/doing to me and my chidren is very wrong but I suppose alot of us still hold onto that idealization phase where everything was grand and perfect. If only we knew hey, would any of us really of stood around and waited for the train wreck to hit us? The mirroring still gets me, how do they learn to do this? Im not sure why Im asking questions anymore everything just blurs into one mess. Hopefully counsellors will email me back tomoz so I can choose one who really can help me, still cant believe im the one actively seeking and taking help when hes the one who has caused me to be this way. I was a perfectly functioning healthy person before this and now Ive been caught up in a web of lies and deceit Im the one needing therapy. Would i change anything? Yes, i would of walked away at the very first lie

[ColoradoLady]

You make incredible sense. What hurts is I stood by her thru everything... . her messed up family her alcoholism her sicknesses,etc... .  now she is sober her abusive father is in jail and  her life seems to be on track. It hurts knowing I was  there and suppored her thru all the difficult times but now that her life seems balanced and moving forward she dumped me and her new guy gets to enjoy all the benefits of the new her.  He gets to be a family with the sober her and her kids. That was suppose to be me.

I think the possibility of her life staying on "track" are very slim. I've ready many posts on this board where the borderline personality disorder traits don't simply heal and go away.  Those traits may not be evident early in a new relationship, but will eventually start in again.

[willtimeheal]

Bewildered2,

You make perfect sense and I am going out and doing things. I put on my fake smile and I suffer thru it. And I know in time it will get easier. please tell me it gets easier. I am seeing my friends and family and trying to stay busy. I have planned vacations but I hate that when I am doing  these things she pops in my mind. I have  spent enough of my life and time on her. She has hurt me enough. I hate how I am the one suffering.

[Ontherightpath]

Absolutely get your locks changed.  Don't even wait for him to return the key.  He could have made a copy for himself anyways.

For all of you that feel freshly broken, I was in your shoes almost 2 yrs ago.  I thought I'd never feel better again.  I had to take a big dose of Cymbalta, Xanax as needed, see a Therapist, and see my General Practitioner monthly.  I'm lucky I remained employed because I was pretty much brain dead for many months due to the depression and the hefty dose of Cymbalta.  I didn't do much to earn my money.  Luckily I had a position that allowed me to hide quite a bit. 

I can attest that you will get better.  But it will take work on your part.  Alot of self reflection, crying, and I believe in getting sun on your face everyday.  I also did some quiet thinking (not quite meditation)-- it helped to calm my obsessive mind.  I hated to take the Xanax because it tired me and I felt even more depressed due to it's sedative effect, but it really helped to break the ruminating thoughts in my mind.  My ex and I live only 3 miles apart, so I would drive several miles out of my way to avoid roads near his home where I might drive by his car.  I stayed away from our local village diner because that's where he goes daily (with the new gf he started seeing 2 mos after our split).  I had to try and avoid triggers that would cause my melancholy to take over my day. 

I'm doing OK today.  I don't want that man back.  And to think that almost 2 yrs ago, I would have sold my soul to get him to return to me.  He doesn't deserve to know me or my kids.  I try to dissociate him out of my mind like he never existed.  He's dead to me.  I haven't run into him since last October, so I have no idea how that will feel when it happens.  But I hope his absence in my life will cause me to walk right on by him without a thought.

[Suzn]

Would i change anything? Yes, i would of walked away at the very first lie

Bingo! Why didn't you walk away? There are reasons you stayed. Asking yourself these questions will help your recovery. There are reasons you stayed. Turning your focus to you, at some point, will help. I'm glad to hear you are working to find a therapist to support you through this.

I know you are hurting right now mj, I'm sorry this is so painful. It will hurt for a while. However, yes, it does get better. 

Finding things to keep you busy does help. Finding your lost interests helps bring "you" back. However, distraction, albeit very helpful, isn't enough to ensure you do not find yourself in the same boat with a new partner. Getting to know the answers to those questions, getting to know you will have a very welcome side effect. It will help you see behaviors you wish to avoid in the future, in yourself and in a potential partner. You are worth a healthy relationship, you are worth the time to learn more about you.

For me, I am a recovering codependent, who has most likely had more than one r/s with a pwBPD. I needed to figure out why I put up with abusive situations, why "I" was needy, why I stayed, etc... . Frankly, I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like, and that extended to friendships and family.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

I went through a deep depression as some had spoken about here, I wish I would have known I could have sought help from my doctor first. I just thought I had to get through it on my own. I did though it's quite possible I may have been able to cut that depression time period in half.

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts