To old to love

[nolisan]

I'm 57 yo - almost 5 years sober.  Started drinking and drugging at 14.

An AA concept is that my emotional age is 14 + 5 = 19. A young adult in an old body.

In my teens I was shy and while the girls liked me I could never get the courage to date let alone get a girlfriend. Hanging out with my stoner friends seemed easier - most of them were "young bachelors" too.

Got through uni with lots of partying - but no girlsfriend/s.

Then into a big company with lots of partying - but no girlsfriend/s.

Then a health crisis - lost the big job - forced onto disability. My work identity - a technical expert with a multinational oil company - was my identity. I was suicidal. I became a drug addict and lost everything.

After 35 years of "being married" to drugs and alcohol I got clean and then sober. I felt like I had slept through life. And I had completely missed an important phase - the teens and university years where most people fall in love and learn about relationships. Nada for Nolisan.

I didn't even know how to date and didn't have any women knocking at my door. I had resigned myself to a bachelor life when Dear Ex came along. Met her at an AlAnon meeting - she called me up shortly after. We were friends for a year before things got intimate. I thought she must be a gift of my higher power - an unexpected black swan.

What a cruel trick of God - falling in love with someone that couldn't love me. Now she's gone - cruel abandonment and betrayal. A cosmic joke!

Now I have a yearning for someone in my life but when I look at where I am at developmentally (19 YO) who the hell would want me? It would be cruel of me to even attempt to put myself in a place where a women might fall in love with me.

I think I had better remain a monk. At least I had a brief taste of what I thought was love. "Better to have tried at love and failed ... . "

[P.F.Change]

What a cruel trick of God - falling in love with someone that couldn't love me. Now she's gone - cruel abandonment and betrayal. A cosmic joke!

We choose our partners. Often for the same reasons we choose our addictions. It would be convenient to blame God or the cosmos, but that is avoiding our own role and responsibility and keeps us stuck. Why do you think you chose someone who can't love you back?

Now I have a yearning for someone in my life but when I look at where I am at developmentally (19 YO) who the hell would want me? It would be cruel of me to even attempt to put myself in a place where a women might fall in love with me

That's some serious self-pity right there. What do you get out of feeling sorry for yourself?

If you want to develop emotionally, keep doing the work. You can cover a lot of ground with professional help. Have you ever talked with a therapist? What does your sponsor have to say about all this?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Cumulus]

Hi nolisan, I can feel where you are coming from,  not sure though if you can blame it entirely on the lifestyle. I'm at that age as well and even though I have lived my life without drugs and social drinking only, you have touched on many feelings that I share. I think it is largely a stage of life, almost like adolescence in reverse. They are both stages of change, one of looking forward and now one where the tendency can be to look back. But I do think it is just a state of change, once we get to the acceptance of moving into a new time in our life I think we can find rewarding and meaningful work and relationships. It's just that they are different then they were in our twenties. And like any stage of life some things are better and some are sad to let to. I see my friendships deepening to a new level that wasn't there previously, partly because I have more time now, partly because I have a better appreciation of their importance and partly because I feel freer to just be me. So that's one of the good things. The feeling of the sand running rapidly down the hour glass is a not so good thing. Looking back and wondering where did those years go is another not so good thing.

So glad to hear you are clean and sober. Wonderful.

Don't put on the monk suit yet, make use of these years ahead.

[nolisan]

PF

Correction - more like self hate. Today I feel my whole life is pointless. My higher power would prefer me dead. Was never meant to be loved or to exist. Came out of the mold defective.

And I AM RESPONSIBLE - I took that first drink as a teen - I should have known better. It is all my fault and I deserve the consequences and need to rectify my wrong existence.

[nolisan]

Oh my! Did I just write that. I am f'ed up big time today. Calling one of my support people.

I have been working a Bradshaw book and just got into "teenage" development. I missed some healthy development because of the drugs and alcohol (and underlying younger child abandonment).

Re-reading my post woke me up. I can dive deep into the darkness before I see the warning lights flash.

[Rose Tiger]

I blame not having the internet earlier.  Man, these folks in their 20s and 30s are lucking out!  I went through those years thinking, everyone is good, I've got issues.  Now I know, HEY everyone has issues! 

I can't imagine you went through life without offering some kindness and compassion to another.  Isn't that of value?  What is a life worth living?  I've been thinking about that.  A stay at home mom, that's important stuff.  A teacher with lots of patience, that is a lot of worth (in my analysis).  The garbage guy, I am so grateful to those guys!  There are so many heroes out there, unrecognized, living worthwhile lives.  Did you swim through taking without ever kind word, some sort of encouragement to another person?

In Ecclesiastes, bible scripture, written by Solomon, (a very wise person) basically said that all that matters is your r/s with God and your r/s's with others.  That's what you take forward.  That's the important stuff.     Not the mess ups, the good stuff.

[musicfan42]

Well first of all, congratulations on being sober for almost 5 years. I know that it's not easy to achieve sobriety, especially over an extended period of time so well done there-you have to give yourself at least some credit for that.

However, I think that al-anon is a bad place to meet someone to date. It's about "principles not personalities"-you're there to work the programme, not date al-anon members. Seriously, "it works if you work it"! Keep your focus on the 12 steps of al-anon solely when you're there and you will get the results you want. If you're dating an al-anon member, it's only going to distract you from your primary purpose for being there which is recovery.

I also don't think AA members dating Al-Anon members is a good idea. Al-Anon members aren't alcoholics but they've been affected by alcoholism too-it's a family disease after all... . al-anon members have their own emotional baggage to deal with. So you're better off meeting someone in a more positive setting-start a hobby e.g. book club and meet someone there. That type of thing gives you a clean slate-they meet you as a sober person so the alcoholism doesn't have to be a major issue in the relationship.

[P.F.Change]

Oh my! Did I just write that. I am f'ed up big time today. Calling one of my support people.

I have been working a Bradshaw book and just got into "teenage" development. I missed some healthy development because of the drugs and alcohol (and underlying younger child abandonment).

Re-reading my post woke me up. I can dive deep into the darkness before I see the warning lights flash.

We have all done and said things before thinking them through. What's great is that you are seeing  it and taking steps to right yourself. Calling for support is good. 

If your HP hates you, get a new one.  There is a difference between having shame or remorse for our actions and being ashamed of our very being. Making mistakes doesn't mean you *are* a mistake.

Let us know when you're ready to do some more work here, and we'll be happy to listen.

PF

[changingme]

Nolisan,

I think it is okay to have moments of self-pitty where you feel the need to post it for the world to hear to have someone remind you that you deserve to feel better. Sometimes you need to do it to push forward.  That is why we are all here. 

You were feeling better and vulnerable and you probably felt this ex at the meeting was a good connection.  Unfortunately, this is a life lesson that you have to live and learn, but it is okay.  You have already faced and overcome your biggest demon in your life and that is a miracle.  You were on a path to death, but you are alive and well!

It is good you take responsibility to your first drink as a teen, but don't be so hard and harsh on you.  That is a lot of weight to carry, you were a teen and for whatever reason you were missing a solid foundation in your life and found your place in alcohol and drugs.  You were a teen, but a teen is still a child.  They say our brains don't develop maturely until we are 25. 

You are 57 but you are not the only one in this world starting over.  People can find love at 57.  Hang in there!

[MaybeSo]

Most people have one or two tragic love affairs on the way to growing up, so it sounds like you are on the right track.

These relationships offer a lot in way of learning some deep lessons; sounds like God or the Universe or you ... . Supplied just what was needed at just the right time.

Love is love is love.  It doesn't have a date stamp.

Something I learned through my difficult relationship experience, is that like a teen, I had a tendency to fantasize and glorify romantic love to the exclusion of all the other ways love shows up in my life. Very angst ridden, romantic, idealistic, tragic, hopeful, and yearning... . And very self absorbed... . For romantic love... . I notice it can be similar to chasing a high. Filling that empty hole from outside of myself. This person will make me feel 'good'. I like that feeling, give me more, go through self pity and withdrawls when its taken from me. Not sustainable.

Go talk to a lonely person in an home for the elderly; you will see their eyes and face light up with gratitude that YOU came to visit and talk with them. That's LOVE my friend. It's everywhere, and it takes very little effort to tap into it.

My tragic love affair helped me to grow up. It sounds like you are exactly where you are suppose to be.

[Grey Kitty]

nolisan,

I can understand why you feel like you are emotionally too young for your body. But I don't see it as hopeless they way you posted it.

I'm currently in a r/s with a woman over 10 years older than I am. This may well end because she is emotionally too much younger (or should I say undeveloped/immature) than I am.

I just want to point out that people hit their emotional maturity at different points in their lives. You sure aren't the only one to finally discover it late in life.

And what the heck... . on the bright side, you might find somebody who is emotionally 19 like you are and also has a 19-year-old body 

However on a more serious note, I'd say that your life was such that with all the "fertilizer" you had over 35 years, you may have had quite a growth spurt in these last 5. You may well be catching up quickly.

 GK

P.S. I dunno about being a monk, but living that life on retreat for a week or a month or even a year has a lot to recommend it. I can't express it properly in words, but I know I've gained a lot from my silent retreats.

[nolisan]

Thanks all of you for some really helpful words - I had fallen into a pit. I thought I was doing well looking at my inner child stuff and then I started looking at my unhealthy teen and I got overwhelmed.

I have re-centered and stepped back a bit - finishing (are we every really finnished?) some ACA work (4th and 5th step). That's the stuff that led to the unhealthy teens ... . first things first.

ps. I also feel that finding a partner in 12 step rooms is unwise. I tell my sponsee's that but I did it anyway - I felt that with 3 years sober I was bulletproof and deserved a relationship (some grandiosity and entitlement AND naivety). Oh well ... . live and learn.