Do they often leave the ball in your court to meet them after breaking up?

[Trick1004]

So my exBPD girlfriend broke up with me six weeks ago, though she wanted to keep living with me until our lease was up at the end of June. I told her there was no way I could handle that and she should go now and could move her stuff out while I was at work. I still have my down days but nowhere close to the the pain of the first two weeks.

We have exchanged a few texts, emails, and written letters mainly about moving stuff but I haven't seen or talked to her since the night of the breakup. One thing that bothers me though, is she still wants to meet and talk (not sure about what) at some point "because she can't imagine never seeing me again", but has (so far) left it up to me to let her know when. I was open to this initially when I was ready, but at this point am becoming increasingly doubtful I will ever want to.

Is this typical behavior for an exBPD, and I guess more importantly if I just keep moving on without meeting her will she eventually contact me? Things have been pretty smooth since the breakup and I'm trying to get a feeling what might happen next to prepare for any potential blowups.

Thanks,

Trick

[danley]

From what you wrote above it doesn't seem like anything extreme. But if you feel like you want to move on without talking, I think it's perfectly fine. You don't know really what she has to say so her leaving it up to you when you're ready could mean anything. I'd say right now you're in a good position because it's up to you if you want to pursue a friendship or even conversation. Many here have had total opposite experiences where the ex basically shuns them and shuts them out completely. Or leaving crumbs behind which are mostly pieces of mixed hot and cold and outlandish behavior.

If the ball were left in my court, I'd be too traumatized to do anything at this point. I'd feel confused and distrustful towards my ex given how he's treated when we broke up. But I'd say that if you feel you have the upper hand right now, keep it like that.

[Trick1004]

Thanks danley,

For now I am keeping with NC, it has been a huge help (as well as this board, to understand what I am dealing with) so far and I am moving on. She has been super busy in the weeks since the break-up and things have been smooth so far.

After going through a lot of the stories on here I am getting worried that a storm is brewing inside of her and at some point will get unleashed on me as I keep going NC and her schedule starts slowing down.

How often do they just "vanish" without trying to suck you back in?

[jollygreen]

During my breakup that went for a month long she wanted control. Left me in the dark and would decide when to meet. I took control in one instance because I saw what was going on. She quickly manipulated the situation. I think her not having control after doing something to cross a boundary for me triggered her with the addition of other little things going on. But I could definitely sense a power struggle going on. She would sneak over to our place while I was at work to get her things. When I offered to help and be nice, the tone in her voice was like I was interfering. I have not seen or heard from her in a long time.

[danley]

I personally can't say how long or often they vanish and then try to suck you back in. My ex never physically vanished as we work together. But his spirit and the person i knew for all those years vanished in a sense after the relationship ended. There are many people here that can share their experiences with a vanishing ex. I remember reading of someone's ex who reappeared after many years and tried to suck them back in. I'd say everyone is different and the timeline are never the same. Everyones journey is different and we don't know what they're thinking. I hope things continue to carry on smoothly with you and your ex. It's much better than having the toxic dance together.

[mango_flower]

Nope, mine was always the one who'd let me know when she would be around, and suggested meeting (though now we're 100% estranged) x

[patientandclear]

My ex stood me up when we were supposed to meet and talk about what was bothering him.  He texted that he would instead email me the following day, which he did, explaining that "this is a tragic end to an amazing love, and I don't know how I will deal with losing you."  No effort at repair, just -- over.  I took him at his word -- I was devastated, but assumed he meant what he said.  (I wasn't familiar with BPD then.)  I never asked to see him -- I did push him via email on how none of this made any sense & I didn't want the breakup & would work with him if he would reconsider -- but when he wouldn't, I let it rest.  He began emailing about other topics for about 6 weeks, & then I asked for NC because it was too painful.

He then sent me the weirdest answer, all about how it had been my choice not to meet and talk, and he'd been prepared to do that after taking a few days to process, and he was so sad that I hadn't been willing to try to work it out, and the ordeal had just about destroyed him. !

I called, we got together & talked, & he wanted to immediately brush what had happened under the rug & get back together.  I said I was willing to try again but he had to work on figuring out why this had happened.  A few days later, he got cold feet, ostensibly with the support of his therapist -- asked me to be his friend while he worked on intimacy issues -- then started seeing someone else & I started NC in earnest.

So -- yes, I think after they get the temporary relief from bad feelings that comes from the breakup, bad feelings return & they often want to renegotiate with you to arrange either a resumption of the r/s or some other connection that makes them feel better about the awfulness.  It is important to them, I think, and projection allows them to distort events so it is almost as if it was you who caused the separation if you are simply going along with their wishes and being broken up.  It is the most mind-warping thing.

[tailspin]

Trick,

If we initiate the reconnect the chances of them being "abandoned" again (in their mind) are smaller. This is why they prefer it when we make all the effort.

I remember how my expwBPD initiated very little, exerted minimal effort, and liked it when I took control.  This is part of their manipulative tactic to get us to try harder, or as my ex eventually found out, causes us to give up completely.  Either way, it's our fault if and when things go wrong.  We were constantly being put in "no win" situations and this is just another example of that. 

Regardless of who initiates the reconnect... . the ending will be the same.  I don't know if she will contact you again if you refuse to meet up with her now, but ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want.  If not, you have the power right now to control your own destiny regardless of what she does or doesn't want.

tailspin

[Trick1004]

Tailspin,

I agree with you and like you I have no desire to ever have contact with her again. The last couple of months we were together I was miserable, just felt tired and depleted of any energy. Six weeks post break-up I sleep better at night, feel less stressed and am more eager to start my day.

It really helps me to look at how I felt six weeks prior to breaking up and the past six weeks since breaking up and I do realize my life and future is going to be much better without her.

Thanks,

Trick