upset

[lostandbroken]

It just drives me crazy at how disconnected my BPD girlfriend's emotions are from logic. I always give her credit for the nice things she does for me. I never and yes I mean never get credit for the nice things I do. I've. supported us both financially for months and yet I am uncaring, selfish, and don't care about her. She rages and I try to empathize yet I am told I am get to her feelings. I feel like I'm in a no win situation alto of times. Thank god I get my first meeting with a therapist on Monday.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Listening to a person rage and abuse you isn't healthy - for you, since she is damaging the trust between you and showing blatant disrespect for you as a person - for her, since it keeps her sick by allowing her to use unhealthy ways of coping with her feelings - or for the health of the relationship. So when we are talking about validation and empathetic listening we don't mean while being abused... .

So to keep this a productive focus and not a vent (which are discouraged here) what skills have you tried when she does this?

[lostandbroken]

I just read SWOES and Loving someone who is BPD. I am still a novice to all this but I've been tryin to validate her feelings without validating what she said. Then she gets mad saying that I'm not listening and that I don't care. A few nights ago she said something very hurtful and I said if she was going to hurt me I would sleep in the other bed. Now for 2 days I've heard i kicked her out of the bed.

[waverider]

Her truth is her truth, your truth is your truth. Dont expect them to concile. Just believe in your own truth and dont attempt converting her to it.

At times it is like listening to two different religions arguing, and we know what happens when one tries to impose their view of world order.

Dont seek validation from an unsound mind. Validation is only as sound as the mind giving it.

Venting is a normal and human reaction. It is however ultimately destructive. If you can slowly shift away from it by first off trying to add a solution to the end of each venting session. That is a form of centering which is very positive. Throw a little humor into the mix and things dont seem as bad.

When validating ask lots of questions and refrain from offering solutions or making assumptions (saying you understand is an assumption, you can only imagine) it keeps you on the safe side if you are unsure.

[united for now]

I love the Shari Manning book 

Perception "is" reality.

Just Make sure you believe the right one 

You did good by enforcing a boundary. She doesn't like boundaries and is complaining about how unfair it was. This is her attempt to make you feel guilty so you won't do it again.

Do you believe you did the right thing?

[lostandbroken]

At the time yes. To be honest I'm not so sure now. She says she just needed me to be there for her and to hold her and instead I turned my back on her. My emotion and logic are at odds. On one hand I needed the space but on the other hand I don't feel like I empathized with her very well.

[lostandbroken]

OH wow! Now I have no clue what to think of this. She texts me and tells me she changed the relationship status on her Facebook to "its complicated". She told me its because her divorce isn't finalized yet. I feel really really hurt.

[waverider]

Her life is complicated, don't take individual specific actions to heart.

Keep an eye on the big picture. Many of her actions will be confused and self sabotaging

[united for now]

Taking care of yourself "will" seem punitive towards her (from her perception) since it prevents her from dumping all the negatives emotions she holds onto you. She is used to you being a doomat and any sign of independence from you is a threat to her. She wants you to stay a doormat so she can continue to dump on you.

Do you want to continuously be abused?

[lostandbroken]

So many times I hear others on this board ask you"Why do we stay?" "Why put up with the abuse?" I guess I have finally realized my answer. Its because I put others ahead of myself. I wonder what exactly that realization means for me.

[united for now]

Answering that is the best place to start 

[waverider]

So many times I hear others on this board ask you"Why do we stay?" "Why put up with the abuse?" I guess I have finally realized my answer. Its because I put others ahead of myself. I wonder what exactly that realization means for me.

At the end of the day about having a centered life. At one extreme the people pleaser at the other complete selfishness.

Understanding and clarity about your own reasons is the best way to keep you were YOU want to be on that scale. Fea , Obligation and Guilt (FOG) can fix you into people pleaser mode, whilst arrogance and lack of empathy can fix you in complete selfishness.

Awareness gives you the choice of where you want to be. Being what type of person you want to be by choice is what gives you contentment and self assurance