Helping my father deal with my uBPD mother

[brebegone]

I am just hoping at least one of you can give me advise and based on what I have posted before I know you are out there. 

I'll start with a little background.  My mom is uBPD and my family only recently realized it and are working to improve our own lives around her.  My parents have been married for almost 28 years now and only about 10 years ago it got really bad with my mom.  Nothing anyone ever did was right, she was never at fault, yelling one minute happy the next pretty much the very textbook high functioning BPD.  My poor father was almost always the brunt of her explosions followed closely by myself, but I'm not the focus here.  He was always being put down for his actions, told he didn't love her enough and just everything he did was wrong.  It seemed he could never do anything right in her eyes.  So that is the basic back story fast forward to about a year ago.

About a year ago my dad received a really great job offer about 9 hours away from home.  He took it because in the long run it will help them retire early and have a great rest of their lives together.  Of course my mom was against it because she didn't want to leave the home and life they had built in our town.  She decided to stay in their home and my father moved away for work and is living with his mom in the mean time.  He was very constantly making an effort to be home every other weekend to see mom, but that wasn't enough for her.  Also she maybe would come see him about once every 2 or 3 months, when it was convenient for her schedule. 

With her uBPD she is feeling very abandoned and alone because my dad isn't around as much.  What bothers me is that she can't see that in the long run this is all for the best of their relationship and how much of an effort my dad is putting in to be with her when ever he can. 

Again fast forward to about a month ago.  So they were seeing each other pretty regularly for a year with the arguments just getting worse and worse.  They went on a weekend vacation to work on things and get to relax together and that's when things really came to a head.  Please keep in mind that this is all what my dad has told me but I believe he wouldn't lie about it.   She apparently told him "If I had to do my life over I would have married someone who was more supportive of me, challenged me more, loved me more and would have raised our children better." He is telling me this with tears running down his face and all I can do is gawk at him.  I was in utter shock that my mother would say that to on of the most loving, supportive, and caring men I have ever known (yea he's my dad so I'm a little bias but it's true). 

After telling him this she instantly backpedals and says that's not what I meant and tries to cover her tracks but it's out there and not going back.  Now for the past month they haven't seen each other just talked on the phone.  Every time they do it is a yelling match because my mom doesn't understand why my dad is mad and is requiring him to apologize to her for misinterpreting what she said.  He won't because in his words "I have apologized for to many things in our relationship and she needs to take ownership."

I know it's a long read but if any of you are left and have some advise I can give to my dad to help him I sure would love it. 

Thank you also to this wonderful group because I don't know where else to vent this too.

[GeekyGirl]

Aww... . your mother's words had to be very painful for your father to hear. It's kind of you to want to help your dad--it sounds like you have a special bond with him.

What would he ultimately want to happen from here? From what you've described, it's possible that your dad is codependent.

Here's the tough part: there's not much you can do for your father to help him deal with your mother if he's not open to getting help. This is between the two of them, although I'm sure that you feel like you're involved to some degree. You can be there to support him, but it's up to him to decide what to do. Would he (or your mother) be open to counseling?

[brebegone]

I don't believe that he is co dependent.  He may have been for a while when she first began acting like this but now I don't believe so.  He is the one that informed me that mom may have BPD and since then I have completely come to agree with him.

From here he wants to repair their relationship and move forward as a couple but he doesn't see that happening if she wont take responsibility and apologize for what she said.  He is very open to getting help and already sees a therapist about it, one who has also seen my mom and knows about her BPD.  The therapist also agrees that my mom is most likely BPD but refuses to speak to my mom about it. 

I just want him to be happy and feel he is supported by me.

[GeekyGirl]

I think you're doing the right things, brebegone. Your dad is doing himself a huge favor by going to therapy, and it sounds like you've available to him and showing him support and affection.  This isn't going to be a quick fix.

Are you ok with all of this? While I understand that this is awful for your dad, I'm sure it's tough for you as well. Are you getting the support that you need?