BPDex keeps making contact... I just wanna move on

[BenTired]

My BPDexgf keeps reaching out to me. I'm pretty much done and see no point in reconciling as I know that the crazy dance we all know so well would restart in a few days or weeks.

Quick background - we were together 3 years... . within the 8 months I dealt with lying/cheating/ self harm etc... . I convinced her to see a T who diagnosed her with BPD/depression/ADHD and what she described to as a few other issues... .   I loved her and cared for her so I stayed as she kept seeing the T... . the lying continued but the physical affairs stopped even though I found where we was keeping in contact with ex bf's which she would lie about even when confronted with solid proof... . At about the 2.5 year point the self harm turned to rage against me and sometimes violently so... . I began detaching and telling her I wanted to move on which in some cases created more rage... .

On St Patricks Day 2013 I thought I would surprise her with a visit... . we lived 90 minutes apart. Well as you can guess, the surprise was on me as she wasn't home. She wouldn't answer her phone or texts but finally responded she was out with a girlfriend from work. She showed up about 830 the next morning all lovey dovey wanting to kiss and have sex and I refused. I saw on her phone telling another coworker that she had exchanged numbers with a fellow officer. She is also a military officer. Her and her friend Lol'd that she could get in trouble as them seeing each other is forbidden as well as if anyone had overheard them exchanging numbers that they would be in trouble.  Only then after some lame excuses did she admit that she spent the night and had sex. My Reaction was calm but deliberate as I told her that I'm through and can't nor won't deal with this.

[BenTired]

I have stuck to my guns... . She has called , texted, emailed and even shown up at events that she knows that I will attend. She has offered everything under the sun including sex, vacations etc to woo me back. I certainly love her and miss her but know it is not in my interest to continue the non stop drama. In May, the military moved her over a 1000 miles away... . Thanks Uncle Sam... .

She contacted me again last week which I did not respond to... . My response to her the last several times is that I will contact her commanding officer if she doesn't leave me alone. I know that doing that will put a bad mark on her military record, but I don't know what to do anymore... . Avoiding her has done no good... . ignoring her texts and other forms of contact have not worked... . Threatening to turn her in to her commander has done no good. In all honesty, I don't want to harm her career. I know she is ill and the more distance I gain from her the more I see it... .

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I know that the people in this group have an idea of not only what I've been through, but also understand when you have just had enough.

Thanks for reading... .

[recoil]

Block?

[BenTired]

As far as my phone I have to keep renewing it... . I'm not the best IT person in the world but they keep slipping through.

[ObiRedKenobi]

Mine dressed in sexy lingerie and texted me a bunch of pics today. It was really difficult not to say I'm on my way over.

[eeyore]

A time will come where it won't bother you and you will feel indifferent to the contact. 

[WXYZ]

I decided I had to change my phone numbers - and those of my family - problem solved

[BenTired]

I own a small business and have had the same phone number and email for at least 15 years. There are some 700 contacts in my phone alone. For 3 years I changed my life around her whims and walked on eggshells. Those days are over. I am not changing my life for her any longer. That train has left the station.

Much like the day that she showed up at me and my friends car event and stalked me all day and offered me dinner an sex and stuff... .   poor girl said when was so lonely without me that she had to purchase a toy and offered for me to use it on her anyway I wanted... . ... . she said that proved that she was faithful. I reminded her that she had a toy when we met and I knew now that she cheated on him w 6 different guys... .

So I see it this way now... . I will not disrupt my business and customers and send out thousands of emails to them giving new contact info... . BPD girl is gonna have to quit the  contact. I will no longer dance around the eggshells and am gonna live me life. The  eggshells will get pushed out of the way or crushed under my feet.

[Clearmind]

Contact will happen because we cannot control what they do - work with the emotions that come up Ben - NC really is not the be in end all.

[BenTired]

Thanks Clearmind... . any suggestions? I know she is not about to give up and that at some point she will contact me again. I'm pretty sure that contacting her commanding officer will slow it down but I don't know waht to do other than ignore ignore ignore. I refuse to change my life. She sleeps with a loaded 38 in her night table with a hollow point. She had gun experience prior to the service. It has been suggested to me by friends that turning her in to her CO may eventually get me a new hole in my body. I don't think she would go that far but I also didn't see her attacking me while driving 70mph down the Interstate either. She calmed down after a few minutes and asked, "So where do you wanna get dinner?" I was still in shock from the 3 minute attack that to this day I have no idea what brought it on.

I have a text on my phone that I forwarded to several of my friends as a just in case that reads... . " I have not moved on ... . I love you and you will always be mine... . like it or not."

That text came 5 weeks after i walked out... . She has sent me texts where she says that we're not broken up and that I'm being stubborn and pig headed and that I'm in a phase... .

On the one hand you want to hold them and take care of them and give them the love that they so desperately seek, but you also know that this is an illness and will not change.

[seeking balance]

Hi Ben,

It is stressful when you make a choice to leave and someone doesn't make it easy for us.  I am sure you have a lot of emotions from guilt, anxiety and sadness going on simultaneously, ultimately like Clearmind says, you cannot control her.

You can make a plan for you though.

What things help you relax the emotions when this happens?  A run, meditation, boxing, hot bath, massage - what is it for you that can do help balance yourself back out in a healthy way?

Regarding the calls, eventually, they will stop.

The things you can control:  get a new number, block her number and email, contact her CO - any and all are yours to control and all come with consequences... . you know if those consequences are worth your actions as it is your life.

Whatever you do - make choices from a wise place if possible - not from the panicky place... . you know that place where the stomach and chest are tight - balance yourself out and the wise mind can come into play.

Hang in there,

SB