It's a roller coaster

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday she apologized IN WRITING for her reprehensible behavior the day before, and had nothing to drink. Nice day. This afternoon while I took the dog to the vet she had some wine. Speech slurred. Condescending. Bent out of shape over everything. Went to dinner with friends. Criticized my clothes, my selection of parking space, and finally, since I selected the slower way home (my mistake) she accused me of doing it on purpose to ruin her day. I was fed up. Told her she drank too much, lost control of her temper and made big ugly deals over nothing. I then left to do some work outside. When I returned she was asleep/passed out. I have begun marking the calendar with visible black dots to signify the days that are tarnished with her drinking, personality change, criticism and rage. She will notice these marks and ask what they are. Im losing patience. Don't deserve this. Life is getting short.

[Theo41]

Yesterday she apologized IN WRITING for her reprehensible behavior the day before, and had nothing to drink. Nice day. This afternoon while I took the dog to the vet she had some wine. Speech slurred. Condescending. Bent out of shape over everything. Went to dinner with friends. Criticized my clothes, my selection of parking space, and finally, since I selected the slower way home (my mistake) she accused me of doing it on purpose to ruin her day. I was fed up. Told her she drank too much, lost control of her temper and made big ugly deals over nothing. I then left to do some work outside. When I returned she was asleep/passed out. I have begun marking the calendar with visible black dots to signify the days that are tarnished with her drinking, personality change, criticism and rage. She will notice these marks and ask what they are. Im losing patience. Don't deserve this. Life is getting short.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

Yesterday she apologized IN WRITING for her reprehensible behavior the day before, and had nothing to drink. Nice day. This afternoon while I took the dog to the vet she had some wine. Speech slurred. Condescending. Bent out of shape over everything. Went to dinner with friends. Criticized my clothes, my selection of parking space, and finally, since I selected the slower way home (my mistake) she accused me of doing it on purpose to ruin her day. I was fed up. Told her she drank too much, lost control of her temper and made big ugly deals over nothing. I then left to do some work outside. When I returned she was asleep/passed out. I have begun marking the calendar with visible black dots to signify the days that are tarnished with her drinking, personality change, criticism and rage. She will notice these marks and ask what they are. Im losing patience. Don't deserve this. Life is getting short.

Doesn't sound like "just some wine"... . DW has to have at least a bottle in order for her to just begin to get into the state you describe... . How many days a week is she like this?

[Theo41]

Thanks for the feedback. She has a small stomach due to gastric bypass and does not eat much. Problem drinking started 2-3 yrs. ago. I have been going to Alanon. It helps a lot.

[Theo41]

It seems to happen 3-5x a week. When she drinks to much and I tell her that she's drinking to much and her abusive behavior is unacceptable, she controls It for a day or two. It seems to be getting rapidly worse. For most of our long marriage she rarely had more than two drinks in one evening.

[united for now]

It's great that you have support available  


Addictions do get worse over time. They become more entrenched in the mind and in the body so that she needs more and more to achieve the same effects. When she doesn't drink her body punishes her with detox symptoms that can be quite nasty, thus leading her to drink to alleviate the drinking symptoms 


If I were to guess, I would say that you snapped out of frustration and hurt. Have you developed a support network (besides here) that you can lean on?

[waverider]

The hard thing is addictions lead to domestic conflict. Domestic conflict then becomes a reason to drink to block it... . It all spirals. Making demands, counting drinks and getting angry just drags you into it and it becomes your disease too. Except you cant blot it out with drink.

It is very, very hard and painful to live with and to watch. That is even before BPD is thrown into the mix.

Separating out the effect it has on you and not making it your world is the basis to coping with this. You will no doubt be hearing this from Alanon.

I am a survivor of an extreme version of this. Its not cured, never will be, but it is managed

[TriggerMortis]

THEO41, I can totally relate to what you're going through. The term I use is "rollercoaster of rage". My wife is usually so overwhelmingly full of love for me, but then there are dark days — like the argument I just came from, and was searching and found this forum. I've marked a calendar like you but haven't kept it up consistently, because I keep hoping that it's transient and that things will get better. Also, because she doesn't like me keeping a history. She thinks it's manipulative and accuses me of manipulating her during tense moments, although I suspect part of this is projection. I love her so much but I hate the emotional abuse. Hate feeling like things are great then suddenly take a turn for the worse.

Was actually in the middle of having sex with her and she accused me of doing something to make her feel dumb/stupid, and during our argument, could not explain what it was. She hopped out of bed to get food and space (I, perhaps foolishly, tried to talk reason into her and she just got nastier). She had a couple glasses of wine to drink and she can get quite brutal and insulting, despite her denial to the contrary that she hadn't had a lot to drink. I don't think she's an alcoholic but while booze helps her get "in the mood", it's a fine tipping point to where she says outlandish and mean-spirited things.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread. But I'm here with ya.

[Theo41]

Thanks for all the feedback. Things have been reasonably quiet for the last few days ( little to stress over). It seems like travel, entertaining, busy schedules and the like bring out the bad behavior. I do have a support system which currently includes Alanon (My home group is a particularly good men's group and my sponsor's an MD.) AA ( I've been sober over 30 yrs), and this site bpdfamily which has been terrific and I've just scratched the surface. I had a therapist but am not seeing her right now.

I also have a bag packed and structured finances so that if it gets worse (dangerous or insufferably unpleasant) I can leave.

[TriggerMortis]

I wonder if there is any biological connection between gastric bypass and BPD? I've searched and found nothing compelling, may be a coincidence but my wife had gastric bypass some years ago.

[bruceli]

I wonder if there is any biological connection between gastric bypass and BPD? I've searched and found nothing compelling, may be a coincidence but my wife had gastric bypass some years ago.

Gastric bypass not so sure but there seems to be a correlation between cluster B's and cosmetic surgery from research that I have come across.

[Blade99d]

I can attest to the cosmetic surgery... . my BPD ex would go for botox every few months.  She was paranoid of getting older.  She kept telling me a facelift was next on her list.  Talk about someone wrapped up in appearance... . It was all she could connect too, which is so sad.