How did you leave?

[coasterhusband]

Strongly considering leaving... . but I'm curious what others did to actually make the split happen. How did you have that conversation? Did you papers already draw up, in the case of divorce?

[ObiRedKenobi]

In my case I waited till she went to sleep and I split. I hated doing it. I felt like a real looser but I knew that telling her I was leaving would have lead to a conforontation that I might not survive. So I just grabbed a few things that were important and left.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Coaster,

There's no "good time" to split up -- we did it three years ago a few weeks before Christmas, which made for an extremely painful holiday, particularly for our children.

And I would add, there's no "good way" to split up, either.  You don't need to have any papers drawn up in advance!

I would add one caveat based on my own experience: the intensity of a BPD relationship can wear down a Non's stamina and strength, which makes it extremely difficult to marshall the energy for a break.  My family and friends actually conducted an "intervention" when it was obvious to them that I lacked the wherewithal to end the marriage.  It's true that I had nothing left in the tank, which made leaving seem almost insurmountable.  Almost, but not completely, because on some level I knew that my marriage to a pwBPD was destroying me emotionally, physically and financially.

So don't be surprised if you come up with a lot of reasons and justifications why leaving is impossible/infeasible/inadvisable, etc.  It isn't, but sometimes seems that way.

Good luck and listen to your gut feelings!

Lucky Jim

[bpdspell]

Strongly considering leaving... . but I'm curious what others did to actually make the split happen. How did you have that conversation? Did you papers already draw up, in the case of divorce?

To me it's less a manner of how and more of an emotional decision that's rooted in certainty. When we leave them we have to be rooted in certainty that this is the best choice for us.

Things had gotten really bad between my ex and I: triangulation (read definition), cheating, lies, entitlement, manipulation, bullying, threats... . it all boiled down to me making a DECISION to leave and never return. Once I made up my mind the how's feel into place.

I made love with my ex one last time on a Monday and by Thursday I called the police and got a restraining order and never looked back. The hurt and pain are certain to come but it pales in comparison to being continually dragged in their mentally ill hell.

Spell

[Lucky Jim]

I admire your decision-making skills, Spell!  Agree, the pain of separation is preferable to the hell of BPD.  After I made the decision to leave, it still took a while to carry out my plan, whereas you seem to have made a clean break through quick, decisive action!  I find that incredibly courageous on your part.  I suspect you saved a lot of heartache by not prolonging the inevitable.

I once read a book by Robert Bly in which he suggests that a certain "native brutality" is required from time to time in life.  The eagle pushes the eaglets out of the nest, and the tiger chases the cubs away.  Sometimes, it seems, a clean break is best for all and part of the natural order of things, which you seem to have not only grasped but carried out to a T.  Bravo!

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim