BPD and alcohol

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

One of the very curious things was the behavior of my BPD with alcohol.  She became or extremely 'loving' calling me all kinds of sweet names, telling everybody how great I was and how lucky she was, how much I cared about her, how much she loved me and vice versa, showing her love in public (all the kinds of things she otherwise couldn't do).

Or she would become agressive because she couldn't handle some feelings inside of her such as the suicide of her aunt even after two years - in that case her almost subtile way of self mutilation by hitting hard walls, fences, windows, etc.

Or a combination of both.  The agressiveness in that case showed when she came out in the open air.

Anyone seen similar behavior with alcohol ?  Is there an explanation for this ?

And anyone seen such similar behavior on self mutilation (on one moment she even had to get her hand in gypsum because she broke it) ?

Thanks !

Reg

[Reg]

Hi,

One of the very curious things was the behavior of my BPD with alcohol.  She became or extremely 'loving' calling me all kinds of sweet names, telling everybody how great I was and how lucky she was, how much I cared about her, how much she loved me and vice versa, showing her love in public (all the kinds of things she otherwise couldn't do).

Or she would become agressive because she couldn't handle some feelings inside of her such as the suicide of her aunt even after two years - in that case her almost subtile way of self mutilation by hitting hard walls, fences, windows, etc.

Or a combination of both.  The agressiveness in that case showed when she came out in the open air.

Anyone seen similar behavior with alcohol ?  Is there an explanation for this ?

And anyone seen such similar behavior on self mutilation (on one moment she even had to get her hand in gypsum because she broke it) ?

Thanks !

Reg

[motherof1yearold]

Oh yes. My ex RARELY got sweet while drinking alcohol (he was never sweet anyways) but alcohol has been known to send him into self mutilating suicidal rages.

One time barricaded himself into a bedroom, and told me he was going to kill himself with the extension cord around his neck. All while screaming extremely loudly all night so I couldn't go to sleep. (Yes,really)

There were other incidences as well, such as cutting, hitting himself, etc.

[crystalclear]

  Reg,

I am not completely certain if my exbf was alcoholic per se, but he definitely consumed it almost every evening. He has been away from home for over a decade which allowed his 'independent indulgence' into alcohol and cigarettes even more (reduced to a pack of 10 in 2 days).

In the beginning of the r/s i saw a different 'cool and fun' person in him when he would drink. Unlike the serious, boring and less talkative person he was in the mornings or when sober. It was like seeing one version in the mornings and the opposite in the nights.

Later in the r/s, he began to binge drink and the behavior post consumption alcohol he became aggressive, angry, serious, abusive and self obsorbed. He would smash glasses on the floor, throw his phone to the wall, once he punched the wall, slam the doors while walking swiftly in rage. During that time when i broke up with him 2 times, he cried like a baby, gave me empty threats a few times that he wanted to jump off his building (12th floor) and his life has no meaning without me in it. Some things he said he did during that time were all lies - just to pull be back, which he succeded in.

But yes alcohol/tobacco was one of his major addictions and he told me that he wanted to give up. I guess he might really give up now because he is married and she's is from a family that has the same friend circle as his family.

[Reg]

Motherof and Crystalclear,

Thanks for reacting ! I see very similar behavior when drinking with agression, and throwing phones, punching walls, or other mutilating behavior with my ex.

Many borderlines have a problem with alcohol or other substances, being alcoholic or near to it, or also, driving as mine was, in a most dangerous way (really speeding or driving drunk with friends which costed her twice her drivers license during 14 days and a couple of thousand euros)

That is an interesting confirmation !  

But in a way it is different from my experiences when she was drunk (there was almost never ever any stopping her from drinking once she started when going out).  When inside, when we went out for example, she was an angel even when drunk, and when she got outside, in the open air, she became the devil in a matter of speaking)  Very seriously contradiciting behaviour, as if the oxygen triggered something.

It was very curious to see that what she otherwise could not express on her feelings towards me, she could do so extremely on these moments (LOL as long as we stayed inside)... .

Reg

[Blade99d]

My BPD ex gf is a huge drinker.  On our first date, she proceeded to have 10-12 shots of tequilla, and from that first date, there was never a night that we did not get hammered together. Not joking... . I used to drink a lot of beer, but she was big into liquor... . rum, tequilla, vodka... . you name it, she'd drink it.  I can't talk though, as I was right there with her shot for shot after a month or so.  80-90% of the time we had a blast together, but that 10-20% that was bad, was really bad.  Ruined my birthday this year which was a major milestone by talking about an ex boyfriend and his penis size out of the blue as we were headed to bed... . who does this?  

[Emelie Emelie]

My xBPD was a huge drinker.  Lots of drinking every day.  I would say alcoholic.  He was occasionally sweet when drinking but more often it would trigger rages.  Horrific rages.

One of the things I am realizing is that I was also drinking a lot when I was with him.  Especially towards the end.  And I think it was because i was nervous.  In any case it wasn't healthy for me either.

[Reg]

Blade,

Their behavior is really sick , they really need help, they destroy lives, in my case even the life of her own daughter... .

However you mention another very interesting thing there, mine was able to ruin almost all of my birthdays in that period.  And Valentines days, and Christmas and New Years Eves.  

In the close to 4 years (3.5 years of relation and half a year of aftershocks) I actually had one birthday together with her, one Valentine, and one Christmas.  Not one New Years Eve !  There was always an excuse, and she was always looking for a fight in that period.

In some cases it seems that she actually was at Christmas and New Years Eve with her husband (from whom sh's going to divorce since 4.5 years... . ) still playing the happy family to the outside world.

What the hell is the reason for this kind of behavior ? It seems to be very concentrated on this kind of moments in my case... .

Reg

[Reg]

Emelie,

Correct ! If you don't watch out, you find yourself behaving just like them, I've read about numerous cases like this.

Luckily for me it didn't get that far in most of the things.  Good to hear you realised it wasn't healthy for yourself !

Reg

[crystalclear]

But in a way it is different from my experiences when she was drunk (there was almost never ever any stopping her from drinking once she started when going out).  When inside, when we went out for example, she was an angel even when drunk, and when she got outside, in the open air, she became the devil in a matter of speaking)  Very seriously contradiciting behaviour, as if the oxygen triggered something.

It was very curious to see that what she otherwise could not express on her feelings towards me, she could do so extremely on these moments (LOL as long as we stayed inside)... .

Reg

My exbf behaved just the opposite. When we were indoors (at his place), drinking he would be less fun, or a passive conversationist. Perhaps because we NEVER drank without playing a movie or music of either his choice or mine alternatively. Our conversations revolved mostly around the music, movies or sometimes politics. I am quite chatty and initially i would talk about my friends, my school/coll days or some crap   But due to his judgemental behavior and yelling about something or the other i barely spoke later - which triggered his anger.

One of the things I am realizing is that I was also drinking a lot when I was with him.  Especially towards the end.  And I think it was because i was nervous.  In any case it wasn't healthy for me either.

Ditto   I have consciously reduced in the last 4 months and i am happy about being back in control.

Also, since alcohol is a depressant, hence it only makes it worse for me during my healing.

[Blade99d]

Reg... .

I look back now and see that vitually every holiday with her was a disaster.  Thanksgiving nearly broke up, Christmas was good, but it was at my house and not a ton of boozing with family around.  New years, nearly broke up again, V day was actually good, but my birthday was a disaster as i mentioned and st paddys day was the worst fight we ever had.  The drinking played a huge part in our fights, no doubt.  It would not be uncommon to go through 2-3 fifths together in 3-4 days.  My BPD ex was also very concerned with her weight, so if she was drinking heavily! She would not eat... . too many calories.  This is when the crap really hit the fan with the raging.  Craziest 6 months of my life... . but some of the funnest times as well.  I felt so alive with her... . i need to figure that piece out still, as that was the mask i wore with her. 

[eniale]

When I first met my ex, he drank just light beer, and maybe a glass of wine or two in the evening.  Never saw (or heard him on phone) drunk.  Never worried about an alcohol problem.  As we got closer, more emotional intimacy, he occasionally would make himself a Manhattan.  Had never seen him do this before.  Then he told me when he had breakup with his old girlfriend, he did not "take care" of himself & was drinking 4 to 5 Manhattans a day.  As things progressed in our relationship (many bumps) we had a phone conversation that I found annoying, but I went along on what he wanted.  Next day he came to my house.  I noticed I was still feeling annoyed; he opened front door, swept me into his arms, and almost simultaneously reached into my liquor cabinet, took out a bottle of whiskey, and poured himself a glass.  This was about 2:00 p.m.  I was very surprised; later, shocked, as he said he had "a few drinks this MORNING."  Later, after he met my "replacement" but before he told me about her, he called me up, very drunk, and said "I am just so HAPPY!"  (I had no idea he had another woman in his life; his dream had always been of having relationship with 2 women & he knew this was strictly off limits to me.  He said "I don't make you happy, you don't make me happy this is communion!"  I thought this was sweet, little did I know what he meant by "communion", looked it up, word has several meanings.  Next day, he was sheepish when I said "are you sober now?" -- then he said "I think you drink too much when you are either very sad or very happy."  Wonder (though I don't think of him much) how much he is drinking now?  After 4 mos. of NC he started emailing me, asking if we could be close friends, even though he is with new girlfriend.  Very unhealthy behavior.  Life is too short to waste time with pwBPD.  Wish them well; then move on... .

[Reg]

Thanks for the new reactions !  Many of them have problems with drinking.  Many of them are alcoholic, and it seems my ex is going in that same direction also.  Just heard a few days ago that she is recycling her relation with another BPD who's alcoholic.

Personally I've been drinking a few times after she had made me mad for the I don't know how maniest time.  But that was it.  She knew about this and warned me that I might become an alcoholic.  Funny coming from someone who didn't know when to stop drinking... .

Blade, the behavior seems to have a pattern indeed, as this is very similar.  Holidays were exactly the same. 

Our trip to Milan was a disaster, because she missed her daughter to much... . 3 whole days !

Our second holiday in 2010 to Kos, was completely ruined, afterwards the reason she gave was that an old friend (who did beat his woman often, but she refused to see this) had asked her why she didn't give her husband another chance in changing his behavior (which was the least one can say abusive and egocentric) and that these words had beenin her hear the whole holiday.

The long weekend we did to Achouffe, I had been constantly repeating during two weeks before that we left that she did have to change her mentality on what others had or did say concerning this weekend or that it would be a disaster also.  It was the only great holiday we had.

Life is indeed to short to waste it on a BPD certainly when they refuse to get help and you have to see them destroy others lifes, including her own daughters in my case.

I'm moving on quite well for the moment to be honest.  And I''m happy again.

Reg

[ObiRedKenobi]

My ex was generally mean and cruel until about 5pm when she started drinking then she would get sweet. The few times that she did go into a rage though it was really really bad.

[Reg]

Obi,

Thank you very much, this is the first reaction I have from similar behavior as mine had on that matter.  And indeed when mine was getting into a rage on such moments, it was very similar, really really bad is what I would call it myself also.

I'm wondering what makes them behave in this way, to become all of a sudden very sweet due to alcohol.

For nons we often say that the real character is coming out when someone drinks... .   However how does one have to see this in relation to the BPD ?

Even the more curious as I've heard several stories here from other members which clearly show that most of them always become mean and agressive, and I've seen similar behavior from other BPD's even one pushing her partner from the stairs on such moments !

Reg

[hellokitty4]

Glad it's not just me noticing the effects of alcohol with someone who has BPD. my BPD gets more sexual after a few drinks.  Without the alcohol I know we both have suppressed feelings for each other. Alcohol just makes it more sexual. She starts texting me after she gets home from a night out or a movie with me or when she's home alone. Last night she didn't want to go home but I dropped her off after dinner where she had 4 glasses of sangria and 1 glass of red wine. I turned to hug her when I dropped her off, she turned my face and kissed me on the lips. Many times in the past, I would be driving her home and she would start kissing my neck. She sent me a picture of her in her undies and started sextexting me.  Told me that I turned her on. I attribute all this to alcohol consumption. I have addressed this behavior with her. She switches from normal to sexual once we are alone. There were many nights we became very involved only for both of us to feel guilty the next day because we are both married to nice men. I do not drink so I have more guilt because I have no excuse. I'm trying very gently to stop this in a way where she won't feel rejected. So far so good.

This morning, she re-read the texts and does not even remember sending me the picture or the texts.

[Reg]

Hi hellokitty4

Thanks ! I had similar behavior in all the ways you described to me (not always as it didn't always became sexual, sometimes she was even to drunk and just fell asleep, sometimes it was just tender and cuddling).  And the next morning she didn't even remember it either.  I'm curious if this is just their shame coming up and an 'excuse they are making up in their head' not to confirm what happened.

I remember her on a Christmas Eve, drunk, texting me to come over, she got terribly drunk, and when she woke up she was extremely frightened there was someone else in bed and asked me what I was doing there !

BTW someone with BPD knows no real way of gently stopping a relation.

Reg

[Blade99d]

God does the boozing and sex ring a bell... . there were literally times my BPD ex would say do whatever you want to me, or I am to drunk to do anything, have your way with me.  All the red flags i missed.  We were away for a night at a hotel, we got really drunk, the next thing she asked me to spank her, really hard on each cheek... . I'm talking really hard... . it hurt my hand after a while.  No wonder I am in therapy

[ObiRedKenobi]

I think mine was self medicating to the point where she was becoming an alcoholic if she hadn't already crossed that line.

At the time I just thought she had severe anxiety and that the alcohol just calmed her down as well as if she was an alcoholic it was a relief of the withdrawal symptoms.

Now though I wonder if it dulled her emotions and wits enough that she had a harder time keeping me painted black. I don't know if there is any real truth behind that but it is an interesting line of thought.

Thing is I'm a recovering alcoholic and I begged her and begged her to stop drinking so much. That it was hard on me to always have so much alcohol in the house. I put in a spread sheet to show how much she was spending a month on alcohol. It was insane, but she never stopped just kept saying that I'm the one with a problem why should she go without something she enjoys. Her logic was that she could go into a rage if she'd been drinking or sober. So it wasn't the alcohol or her drinking that was the problem.

[Cooper10]

My ex told me he drank any time he felt any emotion, good or bad.  It was always interesting to me, though, that any time he attempted a recycle, he was sober.  I never got random drunk texts between recycles, which is surprising considering how often and how much he drinks.

[hellokitty4]

My ex told me he drank any time he felt any emotion, good or bad.  It was always interesting to me, though, that any time he attempted a recycle, he was sober.  I never got random drunk texts between recycles, which is surprising considering how often and how much he drinks.

My BPD friend is the same way... . drank any time she felt any emotion. She is always sober when she pulls me in. Personally I think she is aware of what she is doing when she gets drunk.  She is less inhibited with the help of alcohol. A year ago she confessed that she is in love with me and doesn't understand how she could when she is happily married. A year ago her rages were transferred to me. I in turn slowly started having feelings for her. However, I can continue with the friendship without the romantic/sexual part. I'm not sure she can.

[mitchell16]

interesting topic. Mine exBPD was the same way. Once she started drinking just couldnt stop and it resulted in us haveing off the wall crazy sex all night or she turned very ugly,nasty. Thats when she would become completely out of control. No telling what she will say or do. if drunk like that in public, start flirting with any man in site. will do anything to get under my skin. Once called an ex boyfriend for no reason while me sitting there when I objected instant fight. texted ex husband, then would rage at me if I confronted her with this behavior. But on the other hand she could sweet and sexy and very sexual when she was drinking. I did notice that towards the end of the relationship her drinking was esculating to point of complete out of control. More raging out of control the sexual. The last raging session where I walked away she was drunk. The  next she said that I shouldnt hold her repsonsible for waht she says or does while she is drunk. By that reasoning she would never sober up because she would be able to just conduct herself anyway she see fit because she was drunk.

[Vindi]

mine drinks, and he does this to numb the pain, of childhood traumas he went thru when his parent left him home alone at 5 y/o with his newborn brother... . and the few fights and beatings from his father, now i know why he has abandonment issues... . and goes to the bottle to self medicate, take away the pain of his past. Just venting here... .

[papawapa]

When my ex would drink it was like a game of russian roulette. As time passed it was more likely to end badly.

The first time we had a physical altercation was the first time she got completely wasted around me. She would go out drinking when she was upset with me and go have sex with random guys. By the end of our relationship I had noticed there seemed to be some magic number of drinks that would cause her to change from sweet and loving, smiling having fun, into a raging maniac that wanted to argue and fight with anyone close to her. She tried to control her consumption but could only do so for a short time once she started drinking.

[slop]

Yeah, my ex (who turned out to be an alcoholic; 2 DUIs after we broke up), was either at her sweetest, or at her most evil while drunk. She displayed those things when sober, just not to the same extent as when she was drunk.

[Blade99d]

The russian roulette so hits home.  There were many a night that we had a ton of fun... . but when that switch got flipped, look out, as the verbal assaults would come flying.  I said to her many times, its a shame that a great night or weekend could be ruined in 5 mins.  I now see just how unhealthy our relationship was with boozing... . so as i told my T today, it was 100% going to fail, the only question was when. 

[Reg]

Thanks for the large quantity of reactions and sharing your own stories.  I think it all confirms the same thing, alcohol triggering extreme 'love' and/or 'hate' situations with the borderline... .

For those of you who have (had) an alcohol problem due to this, I think it shows a lot of conscience and guts to talk about the matter, thanks !  Continue on the good path !

I was wondering if the verbal assaults that came in the hate situations, were they also related to one and the same topic, or idea as mine did ?   In her case it was the loss of her aunt.  I wonder if there's similar bahavior or if it was more random.

Thanks !

Reg

[Trick1004]

Where to start with my ex and alcohol?

We are both alcoholics, which now that I think about it is probably one of the main reasons we enjoyed each others company initially. It was also something we recognized and for awhile were working on getting better with together.

I've always tended to be a happy drunk when I drink but if I start feeling attacked would easily switch to argumentative Trick. Her on the other hand it would be a crap shot when she was drunk. At times she would be super sweet, kind, caring and we had great conversations and sex. Most often though (and this usually happened when we were out at the bars) the absolutely worst would come out of her.

She would look for the attention of any men that were around, lash out at me, fall down, and in general make a fool out of herself. On multiple occasions I would tell her I'm going home, I think you've had too much to drink and you should come with me. Sometimes she would, sometimes she wouldn't but always would lash out at me at home. It got to the point where I just didn't want to go out to the bars with her and which eventually led her to think I was boring and just wanted to sit at home. That has never been the case, but I hit a point where I couldn't go out drinking with her anymore.

Another she did when drunk was just mumble and talk to herself. Odd things would come out when she was close to the black-out stage. As out r/s progressed I would stop engaging her when she was like that, throw a blanket on her and go to bed. She never remembered anything when she got to that point.

So ya, alcohol was a definite problem for her. I would let it slide though, cause I have a problem with it too.