I finally did it... I kicked him out

[Finallyseethelite]

Hello,

So I will explain my story first then get to the part where I kicked him out.  Our relationship lasted a little over 6 months with the first 4 months with smooth sailing.  In fact in the beginning I was the one emotionally distant because his desire to get close so quick kind of scared me.  I was never the type to get all mushy with my emotions let alone right away.  The way we met was something of that like a WW2 love story.  I was his nurse and ofcourse he was pursuing me.  Even though my marriage was going down the drain, I was not about to be involved with someone so quickly let alone it be a patient of mine.  I probably took care of him 4-5 days and the rest he was under the care of other nurses or transferred to different units.  I found him funny but I made it clear to him I was not interested and I was married.  That didn't stop him, he gave me his phone number 3 different times in which I always shredded it.  It wasn't until after 2 weeks and him being on a different floor that we just kept bumping into eachother.  I finally agreed to have coffee with him to get to know him.  We always had great conversations and our life experiences were similar.  I was curious to learn about him, I guess you can say we were both intrigued with eachother.  At the same time, my relationship with my ex was already going down the drain so I ended that relationship.  I just wasn't happy and we were on different emotional planes.

Fast forward to my BPD relationship.  Things progressed quickly.  For 2 weeks we had daily coffee dates and took beautiful hikes together.  I visited him everyday while he was inpatient (at another facility).  He was  to be in the facility for diabetes manaemen while awaiting major surgery for colorectal cancer.  Yes, I know everything sounds complicated!  His medical issues never phased me because I saw the person he was, the body is just physical.  Anyway, our first fight occurred post surgery.  After spending every day together and conversating on the phone daily he became distant.  No text messages, no calls.  I think it had been a couple days.  He finally called me but it was such a short conversation and he seemed so cool/distant and was saying he was going to sleep now.  So I made some silly comment like "I guess you can't handle me" (Yes, I can be sarcastic at times) and that resulted in him telling me off.  He yelled at me telling me to never call him, he didn't want to be my friend anymore, don't call him, don't text him, goodbye and have a good life.  I was in shock!  I called him back several times and no answer.  I left it at that.  A few days later he called me and apologized and we had a nice dinner together before I went to work.  He wanted to work things out and I apologized as well telling him I was sarcastic at times but I made the comment out of hurt because he was being distant and hadn't called me in days.  That was the first of many arguments.  I thought maybe just his PTSD (combat) which he did tell me about.  I dropped that and forgot about it and learned to curb my tongue.

I found a new apartment close to work.  Mr BPD moved in with me, in fact we picked out the place together.  At first I didn't want him to but he was gradually moving his things in so I went with it.  He was torn also saying moving in was a big step and he was afraid that we were moving too quick but he moved in anyway.  We were great for the first 4 months.  We spent everyday together, supported eachother and did daily to-do lists together.  We went on nature walks, shopped together, I helped him move all his stuff (in storage) from one city to another... . this was a 8 hour trip one-way.  I helped him get organized with his bills and medical appointments.  I supported him through his chemotherapy sessions and did things to make his life easier.  He helped me take care of my animals and helped me with the divorce process.  We went to the gym together and everything seemed so perfect.  We were in love, very much physically attracted to eachother, we played board games together and read self-help love books together to improve ourself and prevent problems in our relationship.  He would break down and cry sometimes begging me not to leave, when he sensed that I was overhelmed with him and his moods.  He picked fights, constant power struggles.  He was rough with my animals.  He sometimes would not get up for hours.  He said he loved me more than he's loved anyone before.  We cried looking into eachother's eyes while listening to John Legend's "Ordinary People".  We had a deep bond with eachother.  He proposed to me under the sunset just in 1 month of knowing eachother saying we'd get married 1 year from now.  He really knew how to make me feel loved, adored and cherished.

On to the bad... . he left me on my birthday.  We planned a trip but the morning of the trip we argued about something silly.  I made a sarcastic remark about me getting another bed so I can cuddle with my doggy since he didn't allow the dog on the bed. He flew off the handle in a rage and left the house.  I had to cancel the flight and hotel, etc because he was not responding to my phone calls/texts.  He finally came back after 5 hours and we smoothed it over and rebooked the vacation for the next day.  We did fight on the trip too... . mostly because power struggles.  I can't even remember what about, but he always wanted to make the decisions.  The monday we came back, we went to a couples therapist (which was planned even before the trip).  The session went okay but didn't really help us.  We both knew our issues... . we both agreed that we needed to compromise though I HAD NO IDEA AT THIS TIME HE HAD BPD.  On to the break up... . I got so tired of the silent treatments.  What did I do this time?  Was he mad at me?  We used to snuggle up sometimes sleep with our hands held the whole night and he used to be so attentive to me even in public.  Now?  He was distant.  He often slept as far as he could on the other side of the bed.  When I tried to hug him he'd say don't touch me and push me away.  He'd say he didn't love me at those times.  In public he acted normal.  In front of my sister he was jolly but deep down inside I was resenting him for the facade he put up.  In one of his silent treatment moods I asked him if he was mad at me.  He said yes and refused to talk to me.  I left the house to give him space and returned 3 hours later to find him still in bed.  I asked him if he wanted to go do something because it was beautiful outside.  He said no.  Will you get up in an hour? No.  Today? No.  I got sick of it and told him he needed to talk to me now or he better leave.  I told him I didn't want to suffer anymore and that I didn't deserve to be treated like crap.  I also mentioned that he is alot to deal with and that didn't know who else would put up with him.  He said he didn't have anywhere to stay and that he'd leave tomorrow.  I told him he'd better leave now.  Next thing you know we're throwing everything out that reminded us of eachother or that we bought for eachother.  He left.  He spent the night in hotels and we ended up reconnecting after 5-6 days.  Ofcourse I apologized for my rash behavior. 

He said he had nowhere to live and couldn't just move back in with me.  He was moving 4 hours away with a family he knew for years as they offered cheap rent in an in-law unit.  He said he missed me and he loved me and cared about me.  This past week was hell for him and it broke his heart that I kicked him out.  I repeatedly apologized and he seemed to be taking it in.  He delayed his move for 2 days and stayed with me. We had a great time and it was like old times.  He bought me groceries, helped me clean the house and we did a lot of cuddling and catching up.  He kept reiterating though that we were on a different level now.  He didn't want me calling him baby.  He wasn't as affectionate in public, he used to always sit next to me while eating at restaurants yet now he sit across from me.  He left on a Sunday and said he'd call me everyday.  That didn't happen.  I had to initiate the contact and be the supportive GF.  I talked to him maybe once while he was moved to this other city in a span of 4 days.  He came to visit me again 4 days later and we had a great time again.  2 days later-the morning we fought, we had a plan for the day because we were short on time.  Yet when we were out he kept changing plans up (almost as testing me) and we had the major fight about where we were going to eat.  Yes!  What a ridiculous fight, but I swear it was a test.  Later on he told me ... . "why couldn't you just compromise?"  He said this because I was so fixated on doing our plans for the day but honestly I felt as though he set up the situation so we could argue.  He ended the relationship saying we weren't compatible.  I'm too much of an alpha and 2 negatives don't make a positive.  He said I make him upset and that he doesn't want to get destructive with me.  (Wierd because he would always tell me that I intrigued him and that I was no cookie-cutter woman.  He also said often that he was lucky to have me and why did I choose him.  I'd brush it off saying, your silly I love you and you deserve to be happy.  After our last argument he said I needed to find someone submissive and that he wasn't the right person for me.  (?) 

Fast forward to the day... . He left for good?  I sent text messages telling him to call me and that I missed him.  I admitted that I had issues too that I wasn't perfect.  Each time I asked him what he wanted he'd say I don't know... . we're always fighting.  But that he really missed me.  I finally had the guts to send a goodbye text.  I told him I loved him and to take care with a goodbye.  He called me back almost immediately... . still no clarity on what he wanted.  I told him to give me a call when he figures it out and he said he's been so stressed that he hadn't even though about it.  That was 6 days ago.  I sent him another text message 2 days ago telling him that I had no idea where this relationship was going and he needed to let me know what was going on.  I texted him "If I don't hear back then I guess I've got my answer."  No response that day so I changed my cell phone number yesterday.  I got tired of looking at my phone hoping that he'd call me.  It's pathetic.  He knows my email address and where I live so if he wants to work it out he knows where I am.  What a long, dramatic, complicated story.  I want to add in that there were numerous times he tested me.  I felt like he flirted with women in front of me and I tried to ignore it.  Up until I got upset and couldn't take it anymore.  I also confronted him about his wandering eyes.  He apologized and said he'd work on it and that nobody's perfect.  Anyway, what advice can anyone give.  He told me he'd never leave me that he'd fight for me but I kicked him out right?  He pushed me to this point though.  I feel that he self sabotaged the relationship.  Is it time for me to let go or should I contact him?  I am concerned for him.  Of course I want him to seek therapy and I don't know if he knows that he has BPD.  He and I share a history of childhood trauma and has combat ptsd and medical issues but I am a loving person who can look past it he really can get better.  He's made many mistakes as you can see, but I always looked past it.  I get it... . I understand that nobody's perfect.  I loved him for his personality, humor and he wasn't too bad on the eyes either.   On the outside he doesn't even look like he's got these medical issues, but that's besides the fact.  I knew him before he had the surgery, I knew what I was getting myself into as far as his medical issues were concerned.  I think it takes a special person to love someone or give someone a chance with a colostomy bag.  It is a different story if it was a long time relationship and it happened but I faced it early on.  I knew what he was going through and his issues did not phase me.  I am a loving, caring person and I just can't believe he could let this all go.  What should I do?  Help? 

[empower-me]

Wow ... . thanks for the insight to your situation.

I feel like I lived a lot of that for many many many years and you are only 6 months into it and this is already happening.

I know what it's like to feel like you are so special to them and being a very loving person myself, it's hard to not want to keep trying and only seeing the good and forgiving them over and over again since we do see the good person they are as well but take it from someone who allowed this cycle to continue waaaaaay past its expiration date-  Dont do this to yourself girlfriend.

You want some help with this... .   really stop and think about all the drama and the craziness you have put up with for such a short period of time and really ask yourself "Is this what I want for my life?"  "Is this what I deserve in a relationship?"

The answer is a resounding NO! and you may need to take some time to figure out why the inner person in you is allowing yourself to be in the madness to begin with.

I get the romance and him being good looking and being so loving at first but after a few months of the nonsense and the arguing and disrespect and not wanting to be close to you, that should trigger in you that it may be time to let this go.

for one this all happened way too soon and you really didn't give yourself any time at all to get to know him, as we found out.

So I would read some books about why we get involved with these types of relationships and start backing off if you are able, if not then strengthen your resolve to have a nice healthy relationship that will build you up and add to your character and integrity and not tear you down.

I'm glad you posted, you are a very good story teller and have so much to offer the right person.  At this point I would venture to say, He probably isn't the one that will bring the most happiness into your life.

Take good care and listen to your gut.

[Finallyseethelite]

Hi Empower-me,

Thank you for your reply.  I know what I need to do (which is let it go) but I guess I'm looking for some closure.  Deep down inside I'm wishing/hoping he will contact me and tell me he is in therapy to work on himself.  I also failed to mention that prior to our last argument he said he wanted to work on his goals and get back to being able to manage everything in his life.  He also wanted me to focus on myself because he didn't want to be the reason I wasn't going back to school or going back into the military.  He said he wanted to take our relationship one day a time and 6 months from now we'll see what happens.  To me all this meant he was just done and pushing me away.  It just really hurts because I am not expecting this type of reaction/response from someone I changed my whole life for.  Inside my mind is tellling me that he was orchestrating the exit before I left him because deep own inside I was thinking about leaving and he could see I was unhappy at times.  I just ignored the feelings because I hoped the up and down tendency of the relationship would subside.  WRONG!  Where my heart is telling me don't give up on him like everyone else.  I guess it's the fixer/rescuer inside of me.  But despite all the headache and heartache he put me through I still want to love him and protect him.  Silly me, I even went to a reader who told me to leave because it was a toxic relationship.  Something along the lines of ... . "he's not on the same level of emotional maturity as you."  She went on to say that the honeymoon phase was just that... . "his learned behaviors" and that these things stopped because to continue doing so really comes from the heart.  I have a tarot deck myself and I do believe... . but I guess we only believe what we want to believe.

Anyway, Empower me, I've never been involved with someone with BPD before.  This is the first time and had I known before, maybe I would have taken the necessary steps/actions to make this work.  I know it seems like a short period of time but I felt we really knew eachother.  Much of this of course while we were moved in together but we spent everyday together before we moved in.  Yes, I know the honeymoon phase.  After all that lovey-dovey stuff ended and turned into something more realistic... . I was okay with it.  We were very communicative for the first 4 months.  We each typed up a list of "must do's" in the relationship in an attempt to make this relationship the best it could be.  (maybe just the beginning)  He was supposed to revise the list again but I guess he never put it a priority.  He met my parents (he wanted to and this happened maybe 3 months in), met my sisters early on and to me that showed he was serious about me.  But man, there was some serious pushing/pulling going on.  We planned a short trip (due to some work stuff for me) and he was going to come along.  Last minute he said he wasn't going and I am pissed.  He can't give me a good reason besides... . I don't feel like going.  I guess I should've took more notice to those signs.  If he really wanted to make it work he would not be retreating, right?  I'm just trying to figure it out.  How can you go from "We complement eachother, I love you more than anyone I've ever loved before, Your the most challenging relationship I've had but I love you, we are going to make it and our relationship is like we've been together for years!"... . to "We're not compatible, you need to find someone more submissive, we're always fighting and I need space."  I don't think time has anything to do with it.  I think some people will click early on and some take longer to evolve.  I think the main point here is the "too good to be true" aspect and the fact that he was always the victim in his failed relationships.  I should have put it all together because he never took fault in the reason it didn't work.  He blamed ex's on being too controlling or not putting forward at least 50% of the effort he was.  FUNNY!  I felt like I was putting forth 90% effort. 

Thank you for your advice.  I know I deserve the love and respect that I need and that is what pushed me to kick him out.  If he is still hurt, I see why.  Yes, it was dramatic for me to do that but I put up with so much.  He needs to realize what he did to me and how it affected me but I guess that is just too much for me to expect.  I can't say that I hate him or never want to see him again.  I really want him to get better, whether or not we have a second chance.  Yes, I know.  Why would I want to get back on this crazy roller coaster ride?  It's the love inside of me that wants to understand the disorder.  It's the compassion inside of me that wants to help him overcome his suffering.  He is a good person who was dealt a bad hand in life and I love him and care for him not out of pity.  It's because I can empathize what he went through as a child.  I understand the sacrifices he made in the military, being a veteran myself.  He deserves to be loved and cared for just as much as I do.  It's not my job to fix him but I feel that I need to help him get on the right track.  It will reassure me that this relationship had a deep and meaningful purpose and wasn't just another chapter of the book.  He told me that nobody has ever been there for him the way I have.  He does realize that I have done so much for him.  My action of kicking him out just did it.  It played out his worst fear of abandonment... . his final test for me, right?  It is just very difficult for me to even think ... . maybe he never loved me.  That I was just another repeated failed relationship for him.  This is the reason why I can't come to grips and move on more quickly.  I am a very strong, independent person and my family knows this but here I am today so weak in the heart and mind.  Inside... . I need to know that he really loved me and that I did matter to him.  That it was the disorder that took over and that he is going to seek help.  And of course you know I want him to say... . "I still love you, will you be there for me when I am done with therapy?"  That would be the beautiful ending to the story.  If only everyone lived happily ever after.

Thanks for listening everyone.