It's begun, I should have expected it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've recently started a business & the set up costs are crippling me, so I work an extra part time job to help me feed myself. it means taking less drawings from the business & thus giving it a helping hand with cash flow.

At the point where ex & I parted few weeks ago the exchange of belongings was done quickly & I left nothing (nothing I can think of) in my place so she's had every little crumb of her belongings back.

There was also a matter of money to discuss. I owed her £370 for something she contributed to for the business. It was always a loan & I was always supposed to give her the money back by the end of August. That pay date was in place before the split so I've no issue with that. I told her she'd be paid on time but not face to face because I don't want to see her. I trust her parents totally & she also has a good relationship with them. I said I'll give the cash to your folks & they will forward it to you. She agreed to this straight away & had no issue with it thankfully.

She then told me the box she'd brought with my belongings in did not contain the spare keys she'd had to my car & van! She said I'd get those when she got paid. I was silently offended at the gesture of distrust from her but accepted she was just taking a precaution for getting her cash back from an ex. We again agreed that the payment would be end of the month & she would hand keys over when she got her money.

I just got home to find an answer phone message from her now saying she's factored in a few other thing's she'd forgotten & she now says she's owed £700! I'm furious because I too could add up things I've had to right off & start shouting about the cost of those events etc. I'm also sure it'd whack up to much more than £700! I can afford the £370 at end of the month but not £700 (and she'll know that).

I'm wondering if because she can't have the contact excuse of belongings, whether this price hike is to keep that going on longer?

I don't want to enter the pi$$ing contest of who owes what to who. It would mean much more contact which i don't want. Don't want the stress, upset or anger of constant statement, reply, debate round & round etc. Personally £700 to leave her with nothing to come back about seems like a bargain. Just causes me a delay in paying & annoys me so much that she's moved the goal posts AGAIN! Grrrr

I'm even thinking now it may not even be about the money for her. Just all she's got left to contact over so she's made it more/harder to pay.

[Moonie75]

I've recently started a business & the set up costs are crippling me, so I work an extra part time job to help me feed myself. it means taking less drawings from the business & thus giving it a helping hand with cash flow.

At the point where ex & I parted few weeks ago the exchange of belongings was done quickly & I left nothing (nothing I can think of) in my place so she's had every little crumb of her belongings back.

There was also a matter of money to discuss. I owed her £370 for something she contributed to for the business. It was always a loan & I was always supposed to give her the money back by the end of August. That pay date was in place before the split so I've no issue with that. I told her she'd be paid on time but not face to face because I don't want to see her. I trust her parents totally & she also has a good relationship with them. I said I'll give the cash to your folks & they will forward it to you. She agreed to this straight away & had no issue with it thankfully.

She then told me the box she'd brought with my belongings in did not contain the spare keys she'd had to my car & van! She said I'd get those when she got paid. I was silently offended at the gesture of distrust from her but accepted she was just taking a precaution for getting her cash back from an ex. We again agreed that the payment would be end of the month & she would hand keys over when she got her money.

I just got home to find an answer phone message from her now saying she's factored in a few other thing's she'd forgotten & she now says she's owed £700! I'm furious because I too could add up things I've had to right off & start shouting about the cost of those events etc. I'm also sure it'd whack up to much more than £700! I can afford the £370 at end of the month but not £700 (and she'll know that).

I'm wondering if because she can't have the contact excuse of belongings, whether this price hike is to keep that going on longer?

I don't want to enter the pi$$ing contest of who owes what to who. It would mean much more contact which i don't want. Don't want the stress, upset or anger of constant statement, reply, debate round & round etc. Personally £700 to leave her with nothing to come back about seems like a bargain. Just causes me a delay in paying & annoys me so much that she's moved the goal posts AGAIN! Grrrr

I'm even thinking now it may not even be about the money for her. Just all she's got left to contact over so she's made it more/harder to pay.

[papawapa]

Unless there is a written contract, piss on her. tell her to keep your keys and she isn't getting the money.

[Moonie75]

Unless there is a written contract, piss on her. tell her to keep your keys and she isn't getting the money.

I wouldn't hesitate with anyone else. But I want a clean break from her so badly I'll pay it to leave her nothing to come back about.

If I don't she'll just keep popping up with it whenever she wants to!

Hard to say, I know I'm getting stiffed but let it happen & know she's GONE!

[Suzn]

A loan is a loan. The amount was 370. It will be paid at the end of the month as we agreed. I have changed the locks so you need not be concerned about returning keys. I wish you well.

[Moonie75]

A loan is a loan. The amount was 370. It will be paid at the end of the month as we agreed. I have changed the locks so you need not be concerned about returning keys. I wish you well.

Changing the lock sets on both vehicles will cost way more than the £330 she's jacked onto the bill. I already weighed that option up.

[Moonie75]

Is this likely just an BPD control trip?

The £370 is no issue with me regardless to what she's put me through, it's money she earned that she handed to me so fair enough & I'll hand it back.

In any previous split (and there's been quite a few 5-10) she's never mentioned money for this or that before. I don't know if this actually signifies she's gone for good, or if it's to do with being all she's got to work with this time (for the first time?


Spoke to a friend about it & he said this... . "Moonie if it was only gonna cost me an extra £330 to get a life destroying disease like cancer out of my life, I wouldn't be able to pay quick enough! Even if the cost went from £370 to £700 I'd pay & get on with getting better. If only paying £370 meant my cancer might come back, I wouldn't consider that discount & I'd insist on paying the bill for the full cure!"

Wise I guess but still goes against the bone.

[talithacumi]

I agree with suzn.

You're not going to get the clean break you want by giving into her request for more money than you agreed to pay her. All you'd be doing is letting her know that you're there to give her whatever else she may decide she's owed or is entitled to get from you. It doesn't close the door to further contact from her. It opens the door wide and says come on in to get whatever you want whenever you want again.

Do you honestly think there's anything you can do to leave her nothing to come back for?

Nothing she's actually entitled to, or is owed, maybe ... . but if she decides she needs/wants something she believes, feels, thinks she can get from you ... . particularly something you've given her in the past ... . even just notice, interest, understanding, acceptance, validation, concern, care, love ... . NOTHING you say/do is going to stop her from trying to get it from you again.

All you can do is block her as much as you can, and, barring that, ignore her requests ... . and, barring that, reply dispassionately/directly/firmly as suzn suggests.

[Moonie75]

I didn't reply yet. You make a valid point & I'm just gonna sit here, think a while, then off to bed & sleep on it.

[Suzn]

Is this likely just an BPD control trip?

No. This is a Moonie thinks there's control trip. You are controlling your thoughts right now.

Moonie take care of your business. Meaning, if you need to protect your property do that in whatever way you deem necessary. I mean seriously, if she takes a vehicle call the police. You'll get it back if her name isn't on it. Pay what you owe, nothing more, nothing less.

Take a deep breath. You are in control of you and your property. You have options.

[bewildered2]

pay her what you have agreed.

dont worry about the keys.

she won't do anything.

i had a ton of implied threats such as this... . and my ex did nothing... . and neither will yours.

just playing with your head... . which is what they do... .

you'll see.

b2

ps no more drama!   

[Gaslit]

Ignore the voice mail. She won't be expecting that!

Send her parents the original amount that you always planned to like you said you would at the end of the month.

Done.

She's just being weird(er) now. No need to encourage her by playing along.

p.s. It sets an implied boundary as well. "There's no communication from you when she asks for more money." You don't want to teach her that asking for more money gets her a phone call from you! It will be never ending.