BPD apology translator

[T. Moore]

so sorry for not knowing who it was

If she was saying So sorry for not knowing who it was that had sent her the text then  why did she put a full stop in her reply?    Her text read  "So Sorry. (Full Stop) Who is this"   Surely he reply would have read "Sorry who is this" if she was asking who had sent her  the text.

This is where the condition of BPD gets so confusing for us Non's You are always having to second guess.

Willing,

You are over analyzing it.  It was an accident on your part so just let it be.  Yes, it is confusing, but WE make it harder than it really is by trying to analyze every little word and detail about it.

T. Moore

[twester65]

also, im not in school anymore. after all this happenned i was a mess and couldnt leave my apartment. got a little socially awkward and very insecure. so just to make ends meet i started figuring out a way i could make money and stay at home. I actually started a small from home business, that a year later (now) is what i do for a living.

so funny how things work out. i love my little business! and never would have done it if i werent a mess, and i make more money than i ever have(which isnt alot but its growing). Its interesting how i hadnt let myself really be proud of that either. you can get so consumed with these wounds that you could become president and still be dwelling on the ex. hahah.

im actually feeling pretty good today. hopeful. which is great because i am usually stuck on the past and couldnt feel that hope a whole lot. I genuinly thank you guys for heping me work through this. just taking the time to reada, and comment and ask me questions and work through it was very kind and helpful beyond word.

Glad you're feeling better. And that you realize that you've grown personally in spite of your experience with this relationship. I'm having my own issues with detaching. I thought I'd done a pretty good job, but family events this last week reminded me of this time last year when he and I were together and "all was well". Anyway, my experience has been that there's an ebb and flow to the end of this particular relationship. Sometimes I'm going to feel detached and sometimes I'm going to feel very much in the thick of it (as in the last few days). Hopefully I can maintain my ability to not engage or provide entertainment for him and he'll eventually move on to other target(s). This moving target has gotten pretty hard to hit.

Stay tough, and try to get out of the house a little more. Keep moving.

[Ittookthislong]

spot on with the ebb and flow thing. this whole joining this site was after about 10 months no contact and i had been doing better but for some odd reason it came back with a vengeance. those little moments that just wash over you where the wind gets knocked out of your sails. i know how you feel.

thank you, and make sure you stay tough too!

[jollygreen]

I didn't read through everyone else's posts so I might be repeating information already said.

I do not see this as an apology. The phrases "I'm sorry, I apologize, or I was wrong for... . " were not in the text. He just said he felt bad.

I feel bad for doing a lot of things. Like not tipping at filiberto's because the tip jar is there. But it's like Taco Bell and there's no tip jar at Taco Bell. So I feel bad about it but not sorry. That's probably a dumb analogy. Oh well my two cents.

Jolly

[Ittookthislong]

I didn't read through everyone else's posts so I might be repeating information already said.

I do not see this as an apology. The phrases "I'm sorry, I apologize, or I was wrong for... . " were not in the text. He just said he felt bad.

I feel bad for doing a lot of things. Like not tipping at filiberto's because the tip jar is there. But it's like Taco Bell and there's no tip jar at Taco Bell. So I feel bad about it but not sorry. That's probably a dumb analogy. Oh well my two cents.

Jolly

hahaha, no i like it. i love analogies. and i understood what you were trying to say and your right.

i use analogies to- did you ever notice how they dont get them? i once called him a black hole (im obsessed with outer space) but its like everything i did just got sucked into him, first all help, and moeny, and encouragement, next my love, then my happiness, my light. he responded that it was mean and made him feel bad but he never could actually try to think of what the analogy meant, never occurred to him to break it down and see what i was trying to say- so yeah thats more effort sucked into the black hole. then after the relationship ended and i started looking up BPD i couldnt believe how many others had used tht analogy- so that was super validating.

ps- thanks and taco bell analogies or any other for tht matter always welcome

[patientandclear]

Ittookthislong:

I am living vicariously through your story about how you lost it & leveled hurtful charges against your ex for what he did to you.  I never did that, and there's a part of me that has always regretted not letting loose with that part of the truth. You know: "how dare you persuade me to lower my guard and trust you, how dare you tell me you'd be as patient as need be so we could work out how to incorporate my kid into our love affair, and then announce you weren't up for dealing with a kid after raising your own?  Who does that?"

The same way I live vicariously through those who went to see their pwBPD & begged.  I never did that either.

I get full points at the BPD ex partner counter for neither raging nor begging. My ex was astounded at how gracefully I handled what he wanted to think of as a reasonable decision but sometimes described as "carnage."  You know what? Whatever comfort this is to you--it made no difference.  All those good behavior points made no difference -- he still has what might as well be an allergic reaction to intimacy between us.

I think it's good & healthy that you gave the experience its due by telling him off.

For what it's worth, I also completely recognize the sources of pain and trauma you identified in this experience--especially that you felt so comfortable & safe with him, that this felt like a healthy r/s at last.  And then that he used the very things you offered in warmth & love as evidence that you were trying to control him or wreck his life somehow.

He just cannot trust.  You see that, right?  And in that way, the inputs that you provided are practically irrelevant.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Ittookthislong !

I just wanted to say that I'm inspired by your self awareness. You're so clear about how the way you adapted to the environment in your home growing up has set you up for relationships with men that don't really work. Particularly that bit about how you feel really uncomfortable when you stand up for yourself - and it feels like a lifetime of holding back from doing so is coming out when you do! I can relate to a lot of that.

Your realisations are surely the first - and perhaps most important - step towards making big changes in  your life. It's not easy to unpick this stuff - let alone to start working on it - so you're doing well.

When I first got to these boards I got a lot out of reading the past posts of two members in particular. One was 2010 - who has great insight into how the dynamics in a relationship with someone with BPD work - and also Schwing - who has similarly clear and helpful insights from his own experience. If you feel you want to learn more about these dynamics I'd recommend searching for the posts of those members and having a read.

But it sounds like you're already doing the most important thing - which is getting started with the DBT work.

Wishing you all the best in your journey.     WWT.

[Ittookthislong]

patientandclear- i was straight up sadistic. very arcastic. I think the first insult i gave him wasnt so much how dare you hurt me, it was sarcastic, and mocking. I was like "Ohhhh your really a Diva underneath there arent you?", id call him a golddigger or " why didnt you tell me the issues your bringing up now, right at the beginning so I could have been with someone taller right now"... . what he did was so sadistic, and i gave it a few months, in case he just didnt realize(i was in shock) then I just realized this person literally doesnt care how i feel. So Id just say horrible things and he had already made me look crazy to others, and he is so sweet and manipulative (he took pride in manipulating others a lot) Id text him early in the morning and be like "Morning Sunshine, since you seemed to have turned this into you being such a victim , and me being so crazy, lets go ahead and do that... . I got a whole lot of anger from this, im im not taking it out on anybody but you... . It literally was harrassment... . i think i mentioned i googled him and saw him on a bisexual mens meetup group. so i told him i saw it and i would say thing s  like "aaawwwwwe thats precious, you dont know who you are"

it did feel good. but i do fe3el guilt. and this wasnt until after i let him stonewall me, and make fun of me when i cried, i just didnt care anymore.

i have a lot of respect for you that you were able to do that. i think thats something to be proud of. i know that i could try my hardest but that anger came out with such force i cant imagine keeping all that in. i hope your taking a kickboxing class or something!

and yes there is some self realization, thank you for the encouragement. im going in the right place, but i think my bodies chemistry has a long way to go. i just dont feel back to normal inside yet. still kind of forcing everything, waiting to get excited about things again and feel hope, but i been ruminating so long that i think i trained my brain/body to be upset and i have to break that. im sure everyone here could agree