A Few Questions..Need help

[sadinnc98]

I wrote my intro post "Sadinnc98" if you want to read my background story. I have read and reread so much on this site and its a lot to absorb! I have a few questions I wondered if anyone could help me with.

My uBPDbf goes through these "dark" phases-they normally happen immediately after we spend time together, make future plans (marriage, etc... ), etc... . and in the dark phase, he withdraws, goes cold/quiet, ignores me, if he reaches out, it is very brief and limited and sometimes rude, he drinks heavily. He seriously morphs into a completely different person  So painful to go through this. Feels like I am dropped on my head over and over.  I may not hear from him at all, or just sporadically. Usually he ends these dark cycles with a breakup... then comes back to me.  He told me he does this because he is afraid I will eventually leave him, not want him, etc... but that he can't live without me. I would say he has done this upwards of 30+ times in the past 8-9 months.  He has cut me off anywhere from 1-11 days during these times.

1. What can we do to prevent him from going into these dark phases? It seriously can shift within minutes to hours after we separate, he literally falls apart.  I have asked him if he wants to call or talk when he feels these feelings and he said "I am not good at that"

2. Is this a situation where I could set boundaries? How and what do I do? I feel like I would be kicking him when he is down bc he is obviously in pain during these times and honestly most times, I do not feel like this is intentional on his part-I don't think he can help what is going on in his head. I told him last weekend that it hurts me when he ignores me, etc... so he knows this. I just think he has tunnel vision when he is in a cycle and I am not even on his radar.

3. How do I act when he is dark? Do I reach out like normal, leave him alone, etc... ? I am really lost here. Last weekend, we were making plans to get married and move in... . and now I have been totally cut off. He ignored several texts from me last night and its super painful  There are some times (depending on the cycle) where he can indeed be mean and cruel while he is painting me black, but usually he is just dark/quiet/withdrawn.

4. Pretty much everyone (ok everyone) tells me I need to just run from this situation and that it will never change, etc... but I see so much good in this person, that I hate to just give up, but what do I do? Am I going to be sitting here in the same situation a year from now?

Thanks for any advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[PDQuick]

I would say he has done this upwards of 30+ times in the past 8-9 months.  He has cut me off anywhere from 1-11 days during these times.

This is a great deal of instability.  

Is this upsetting to him - highly upsetting or mildly?

Does he give any indication that he wants this to change?

[sadinnc98]

It is interesting because it does seem to affect him, because he usually goes on these major drinking binges afterwards, I assume to dull the pain.  He actually drinks to the excess multiple times per week (10-14 drinks, blacks out, etc... )

90% of the time that he breaks it off he says it is because "You can do better, you will leave me eventually, you won't want me, I can't provide what you need, I don't deserve you, I don't deserve to be happy etc... " (when there is no evidence of any of those things happening, nor have I ever expressed those concerns) and the other 10% he will find/look for reasons to paint me black and then pretty much rip me apart to validate his reason to end things. Its always done on text messages-he will not talk to me in person or on the phone ever during these things. He also says its easier for him to deal with regretting losing the love of his life vs dealing with the pain of me leaving him  one day.

90% of the time this happens on the heels of an amazing date, weekend, etc... and as soon as I leave or he leaves, he panics (or so he says). He is a BIG talker of wanting a future, etc... but in the past year, there have been no actions to support this. I think he says what he thinks I need want to hear.

Every cycle feels to me like my heart is being ripped out. Like right now he is "dark" but hasn't broken up (yet) but he has ignored me for 24 hours pretty much. Its so painful.

He has went to several sessions of counseling. The first one seemed to help, but nothing much since and he has said he is unsure if he wants to go back.