It's been 4 weeks since I kicked him out, 3 weeks since I last seen him and talked to him. The last time we spoke he told me that he really missed me but he couldn't answer me when I asked him if I should hold on or move on. I know he is struggling with the fact that I kicked him out because he told me it broke his heart. Did he think about all the things he did that broke my heart yet I repeatedly swept it under the rug because I tried to put myself in his shoes. He withdrew and put me through trials to test my love for him and subjected me to cold silent treatments which consisted of him pushing me off of him and finding faults in me. Telling me we're done and that he didn't love me anymore. So many broken promises and he wasn't there for me like a partner should be. 4 months of bliss aka the honeymoon phase can't even compare to the heartache that he put me through. One day he is completely and head over heels in love with me to the next day he is silent and withdrawn. I got tired of wondering what did I do this time or feeling lonely in this relationship. You want this or you don't... . simple question but I guess not for him. I have done so much for this man and put my needs second because he had a rough childhood and lately life has been rough too but not anymore. I am learning every day how to be a stronger person and to focus on me again. I deserve to be happy.
I last left him with an email telling him that I loved him very much and was willing to support him through therapy, in fact see a therapist myself since it does take 2 people to make a relationship work. He knows how I feel about him and if he is going to dwell on the fact I kicked him out than he is not the right person for me. So whether you want to say he left me or I left him... . it is over! I'm heartbroken still missing the wonderful man he used to be but I can't live in the past. It is what it is and he is not capable of loving me the way that I deserve. Hmm... . would things be different if he told me in the beginning that he had BPD. Yes, ofcourse! I would've tried harder to make this work. I have a HUGE heart... . for goodness sakes I am a nurse. But no he didn't tell me and I never paid much attention in my psych classes... . darn it!
What has transpired lately... .
1. I am seeing a therapist. --Wow. Never thought I would but it feels good to tell a professional about this traumatic experience. She could not diagnose him but based on all the information I told her she believes he is. WHEW.
2. I typed up a list of all the traits that I want in a partner--maybe he fit those in the honeymoon phase, but after living with him I know that is not his true self.
3. I typed of a list of all the good/bad things about him.--Well well now, so the bad outweighs the good. Why was I so blind.
4. I set a goal to get back into shape--I'm losing weight slowly but surely. Awesome! Going to get back to my basic training physique... . hopefully!
5. I am going back in the military as an officer--I left the military for this man, well more so because I had so much going on and I wanted to stabilize this relationship. <---Issue! Relationships should not be this tough early on.
6. I am working on relocating--I have got to get out of this place which we picked out together... too many memories. Too bad it's such a beautiful city but looking forward to starting fresh in a sunny city by the beach.
7. I am spending more time with friends and family--I am returning to the cheerful and fun person I used to be. After the honeymoon died out, his negative moods brought me down so I was always focused on how to make him happy and neglecting my own personal life.
8. I threw away everything, ok almost everything.--I threw away things we bought together, stuff he left at my place and all that's left is greeting cards, frames and photos. They aren't in view... . I really want to burn them but my fire alarm would go off or my neighbors might wonder wth I'm doing on my patio.
I feel better today and I am trying to not be angry with him because I know it's not his fault. It's not his fault what he went through as a child. It's not his fault what he saw when he was in combat. It's not his fault that he got cancer. I can't feel sorry for him but I can empathize with him to the point that he deserves to be happy. He really does. But he doesn't deserve me and I will not be subjected to the emotional abuse anymore. He needs help and I hope he gets therapy because he is a good person deep down inside. He cannot be in a healthy relationship until he gets treatment that focuses on his BPD. He is not for me and I am not for him. He has no way to contact me anymore though he knows where I live (for the moment) and where I work. Let's cross our fingers that I can move out and relocate before he figures out that he lost a good thing! And if he never comes back then even better.
I hope I didn't offend anyone. I am a very loving, supportive and kind person. I am sure a treated BPD sufferer makes all the difference but in this case he wasn't on meds or seeking therapy. He always found a reason why the therapy wasn't working. He was seeking therapy for PTSD and I wonder if he knows he may have BPD. I still love him and care about him but I love myself enough to know that I deserve to be loved, honored and respected. I can say 100% that I would never get back with him as he is right now... . but I can't say what I would do if he actually sought out therapy. Yikes. I guess that's why I have all you lovely people to help me stay on track.
Good luck to everyone in their choices to leave or stay.
Take care,
Finallyseethelite
