Memories

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have dissociative amnesia as part of my PTSD, according to my T. The more I talk to other people who remember my past, the more I realize how bad it is.

I forget a lot of good times too, which makes no sense. I swear whole years are missing in my teens and earlier. Even my adult memory is sketchy.

I don't know how much a "normal" person is supposed to remember, and whether I should try to dig up memories. How would I dig up memories, other than talking to other people? I'm not even sure if I want to. Could it be traumatizing?

[isshebpd]

I have dissociative amnesia as part of my PTSD, according to my T. The more I talk to other people who remember my past, the more I realize how bad it is.

I forget a lot of good times too, which makes no sense. I swear whole years are missing in my teens and earlier. Even my adult memory is sketchy.

I don't know how much a "normal" person is supposed to remember, and whether I should try to dig up memories. How would I dig up memories, other than talking to other people? I'm not even sure if I want to. Could it be traumatizing?

[motherof1yearold]

Your brain probably tried to hide away the traumatic experiences in a self defense mechanism, but I can't explain why you can't recall the good ones

[GeekyGirl]

I've heard a theory that memories come up when we're ready to deal with them, which makes sense.

There are a few reasons why you're having trouble bring some up. PTSD might be a contributing factor, as you might just not be ready to process the memories emotionally, even if you remember them as good times. Sometimes even good memories can be triggering.

If you feel like it will help you, it's worth exploring bringing up these memories with your T. What are you hoping to learn from your memories? Have you tried anything so far (meditation, roleplaying) to bring them to the surface?

[isshebpd]

motherof1yearold,

I'm wondering if maybe my brain isn't precise in what memory it blocks. Rather than specific events or feelings, it blocks out a lot around them too. I'm hoping what I forget is just the result of the endless BPD drama, and not something I don't know about (or remember) yet.

GeekyGirl,

If good memories happen during an overall time of stress, I can see that.

Part of my problem is not knowing if I want to remember what I've forgotten. But I guess, as you are saying, my brain is answering with "not yet" or maybe even "never".

I do plan to see the T again, but after the Summer. I haven't done any of those techniques yet.

[motherof1yearold]

issheBPD,

Do you drink alcohol? (even very lightly) I find if I have a drink, even 1 light beer, my memory goes down the drain. Also, do you or have you smoked marijuana in the past? It can  greatly affect memory.

For now, I recommend you start taking some gingko biloba to help with memory either way. It can't hurt.

As for the psychological side,

I find it puzzling that your brain also doesn't retain the good memories- which is why I posted that above.

I do hope it isn't a health problem! I've noticed I have really bad memory - which I pretty much blame on myself for smoking pot as a kid.

[isshebpd]

I was a light drinker since leaving University, but started drinking heavily again in the last couple of years (Breakthrough Crisis). I've smoked marijuana off and on throughout my life, but I've always kept it light (if you start smoking larger amounts, you get "jaded" to its "positive" affects).

Marijuana is only known to significantly affect short-term memory. You might smoke and then forget why you are going to the store. But you're not going to forget large parts of your childhood from before you ever smoked it.

My understanding is Dissociative Amnesia may block long periods of time, without regard to whether its good or bad memories. Before I ever tried alcohol/drugs (rough age 15-16), I was known for appearing "spacey" or "dazed". This can be the look of someone who is dissociating. I still dissociate, and I don't think it normally has much to do with substance use/abuse.

Thanks, for telling me about gingko biloba, I'll look into it

[clovermomma]

I dissociate too. My hubbie says that it is really bizarre because I will do things and have no recollection of what I did/where I put things. I have a good memory in terms of knowledge accumulation for test taking (I have an advanced degree) but I have a lot of trouble staying present in the moment and not dissociating. I thought maybe it was severe ADD. I still haven't found the answer. I think I learned to do it as a child to disengage from all of the verbal abuse flying around. Home was just too depressing at times to be truly present. It is just frustrating because now I zone out and I have a lot of trouble being present for my family. It takes serious effort and focus... . I would prob space out all the time if I didn't force myself to zone in. Wonder if this is common

[CBoo]

I have this and totally agree with:

"I've heard a theory that memories come up when we're ready to deal with them, which makes sense."

During a psychotherapy session (I do TA) I regressed automatically and unlocked a memory which really, really helped me move forward.  It took years to get to that point. 

Don't push - if it comes, it comes?

And... . if you want to improve your memory making and ability to be present I've found Tai Chi really helpful.

Good luck.  Take care.

[Calsun]

Hi IssheBPD,

My experience was similar.  I grew up with a lot of abuse from my uBPD mother.  I repressed the memories, and as an adolescent I would tell you that I had a great mother.  By the time I was seventeen, I experienced a lot of inner turmoil, confusion and depression and realized that I had no recall of my childhood.  I could remember facts, but the trauma of the chronic abuse kept me from feeling present in my body and being able to feel connected to my experiences.

Trauma recovery work like somatic experiencing might help, as well as yoga, to become more embodied.   My experience is that the memories are in the body.  I would avoid anything jarring or cathartic that offers to bring this back quickly. That can be dysregulating and harmful. We dissociate for very important reasons.  Biologically, we are under attack, we are traumatized, we have nowhere to flee and no way to fight as children.  You did the biologically necessary thing under the circumstances. That these things were done to us by our parents is ever more tragic and horrifying and trauma-inducing.  The people that were supposed to protect us, soothe us, comfort us, were the ones from whom we needed protection.  Very confusing and trauma-provoking.  Bringing back the memories and coming back more fully into your body is best to be done gently, with support and nurturing.  

The best thing is to continue to be resourced by a loving and competent therapist and a healthy support network of people, and then when the memories want to come back they will.  They're still in you.

Best,

Calsun

[ScarletOlive]

Hey issheBPD,

Dissociative amnesia is difficult to deal with. I'm sorry you're struggling with it. It makes sense that your brain would block out whole portions of your life, regardless of whether the memories are good or bad. This is a protection mechanism that your brain is employing. It's okay to trust that your body is doing this to protect and take care of you. Healing takes time. I know the give or take is tough - part of you wants to know what's missing and then again part of you doesn't. But you don't need to rush yourself to remember. As memories come back, you can write them down, and feel the feelings. Keep working on healing, and allow the memories to return on your own time. It will come.

[isshebpd]

clovermama,

I agree, it is an old childhood defence mechanism to protect us from abuse and general chaos. I also find it hard to control. I don't have children, but work in a job where I'm responsible for the safety of others and people have brought up how I look out-of-it sometimes. I find it distressing and have told my supervisor I suffer from "anxiety" but haven't let him know I actually have diagnosed PTSD. Note, however, it hasn't affected my job performance, just how people perceive me.

CBoo,

Ironically, disassociation is a tool in therapy and can be used to bring back those memories. Thanks for the tip about Tai Chi.

Calsun,

I'm very lucky to have a loving wife who knows about therapy, having been in it all her adult life due to her own traumatic childhood. Even though, I'm not in therapy for the Summer, my wife and I talk things out in our own form of mutual therapy.

I had absolutely no personal insight when I was in my teens. I was socially extroverted but also a nervous wreck, which lead to the drug/alcohol abuse. I didn't reflect on my emotions or mental health. I should have, and if any young people are reading this and going through the same family problems, I hope they get to a therapist of some sort. Its horrible to be disconnected from your past and your own body.

Sadly, in my case, I had unconsciously accepted in my uBPDmom's belief that all mental health professionals are a bunch of quacks. Now I realize she said those things because she probably heard things she didn't want to hear.

ScarletOlive,

Maybe I'll do a hand-written journal, as opposed to typing on my computer. My handwriting has gone downhill anyhow :P

While I hate having Dissociative Amnesia, its made some family members realize the depth of my problems. They are shocked when I don't remember so many things, so they are getting an idea of how damaged I am. Even my uBPDmom is wondering about it, but doesn't see how she is the main source of it (as far as I know).

Thanks everyone for your kind words.