Stressed and tired

[willtimeheal]

I haven't posted in a few weeks.  I have been doing pretty well.  I went on vacation and its funny how when you are away you can push everything tothe back of your mind but when you get home you are flooded with the memories.  I was fine on vacation.  I could laugh, have fun, sleep, and eat.  The last day I started to have a lot of memories of my exBPD.  My first night home and I can't sleep, eat, and my mind is flooded with her. 

She hasn't text me in 7 days.  She texts me and says she loves me and wants me.  But she is still with him and I realize as more time passes she will not tell him how she feels about me... . I don't know if she really does have those feelings for me or if she is just trying to keep my close.  I told her in the last text that I don't see her telling him the truth about her feelings and as more time passes it will be more difficult for her and the chances of her doing it go decrease.  She never responded after that.  The next day she sent me a quote about how strong people are not born they are made through difficult times.  I did not respond.

It is going on 4 months since we broke up.  I still have bad days.  I have good ones too but I miss her so much and I miss the family we were.

[ObiRedKenobi]

What did she say the last time she ripped you apart? How often did it happen?

You don't have to answer but it seems you're suffering from something that most of us go through with our expwBPD. Remembering the good times and forgetting that there is a reason we are trying to move on from the relationship.

[willtimeheal]

She texts me and tells me how unhappy she is. That she misses me and wants me but doesn't know what to do. She  left me four months ago. She thought I was going to leave her so she put a back up plan in motion and found someone to take my place. She will tell me she doesn't love him and that she loves me and wants me. But she has had plenty of opportunities to tell him and she hasn't. He moved back here for her and quit his job to be here for her. She feels guilty. I was never going to leave. In fact I wanted to move forward. It has been a stressful relationship for us. Nothing has been easy but we have always fought through it. I am just sad today and when I do think about everything I do realize I am better off without her but it doesn't make the memories or  longing for her go away. She is just flooding my mind recently.

[Skip]

She  left me four months ago. She thought I was going to leave her so she put a back up plan in motion and found someone to take my place. She will tell me she doesn't love him and that she loves me and wants me. But she has had plenty of opportunities to tell him and she hasn't. He moved back here for her and quit his job to be here for her... .

I was never going to leave. In fact I wanted to move forward. Nothing has been easy but we have always fought through it.

Good mental health is hard.  It takes a great deal of strength in times like this.

You seem to have a good handle on all the pieces.

~ she left because she prefers the honeymoon stage of a relationship over the building a life together part of a relationship - instant gratification vs work and self examination

~ sounds like she is telling the other guy "soul mate" kinds of things and his adoration and actions make her feel "perfect" rather than "defective"

~ she never grieved what she lost from your relationship with her (and there was a lot) and is now feeling that loss

~ a little reality or a little self doubt may be creeping in on the honeymoon and you are a great source of validation and reassurance for her.

This is BPD emotional turmoil.  :)oes she love him?  :)oes she love you?  :)oes she even know?  Is the emotional maturity and strength there to sort this out in a responsible way or is she so overwhelmed she can't think past her own needs right now?

The first question for you is, regardless of where this turns in the next act, does she have the emotional maturity and skills to be a life partner?

The second question for you is, do you have emotional maturity and strength to navigate this better than her?  Clearly you are struggling with some abandonment anxiety (as we all her do) - can you rise above it so that your emotional satisfaction for making a hard and mature decision is not flooded out by abandonment anxiety.

Good mental health is hard.  It takes a great deal of strength in times like this.

[bpdspell]

She  left me four months ago. She thought I was going to leave her so she put a back up plan in motion and found someone to take my place. She will tell me she doesn't love him and that she loves me and wants me. But she has had plenty of opportunities to tell him and she hasn't. He moved back here for her and quit his job to be here for her... .

I was never going to leave. In fact I wanted to move forward. Nothing has been easy but we have always fought through it.

Good mental health is hard.  It takes a great deal of strength in times like this.

You seem to have a good handle on all the pieces.

~ she left because she prefers the honeymoon stage of a relationship over the building a life together part of a relationship - instant gratification vs work and self examination

~ sounds like she is telling the other guy "soul mate" kinds of things and his adoration and actions make her feel "perfect" rather than "defective"

~ she never grieved what she lost from your relationship with her (and there was a lot) and is now feeling that loss

~ a little reality or a little self doubt may be creeping in on the honeymoon and you are a great source of validation and reassurance for her.

This is BPD emotional turmoil.  :)oes she love him?  :)oes she love you?  :)oes she even know?  Is the emotional maturity and strength there to sort this out in a responsible way or is she so overwhelmed she can't think past her own needs right now?

The first question for you is, regardless of where this turns in the next act, does she have the emotional maturity and skills to be a life partner?

The second question for you is, do you have emotional maturity and strength to navigate this better than her?  Clearly you are struggling with some abandonment anxiety (as we all her do) - can you rise above it so that your emotional satisfaction for making a hard and mature decision is not flooded out by abandonment anxiety.

Good mental health is hard.  It takes a great deal of strength in times like this.

 

[willtimeheal]

Good mental health is hard.  My therapist says I do have a good handle on things... . and it might take me a while but once I start putting the pieces together I work through it... . and I can't be pushed.  I have to sort out those pieces myself.  My T said in our last session that when I said she has had plently of opportunities to tell her new bf the truth about how she feels but hasn't makes me realize she probably won't tell him is a huge step.  And that is me sorting things out so give myself time.  And once I start to logically piece things together in my mind I make the right decisions for myself.  But I got to tell you it's hard.   

The hardest part is I don't know what she is telling her new bf.  She told me that he just made her feel like she wasn't a horrible person when everything was collapsing around her.  Not something you want to build a life on.  She also told me she only felt truly in love and sure about herself and her feeling one time in her life and that was when she was with me.  And that is what I don't get.  I know she is struggling... . but if you know how you feel... . why is it difficult?  I know one moderator gave me tough love once and said... . you make the choice.  I know they are right.  And I am trying really hard to choose me.