Happy dance Happy dance i did something right

[DreamFlyer99]

I just had to share--I've been trying to get the communication tools into my brain so i'll do a better job when my uBPDh has a little meltdown in communication and gets defensive. I was able to do okay at the time, but did better the next day, and what a difference it made!

He's very sensitive about being disrespected, and has attached some very negative emotions to different sounds. I unfortunately made the sound during a small conversation where I thought I was teasing him but he was in a "mood" (something i'm still struggling to catch before I open my mouth since it helps to know how to approach him depending on the mood of the moment.) He started to go off on me about "that noise means disrespect" and on and on, and I wasn't willing to cave and so "oh my dear sweetheart of course that's what it meant and I am so disrespectful! A thousand pardons!" (sarcasm doesn't work well either... .    ) So I explained what I did mean and that I was trying to tease him about our increasing age, and said I was sorry that my response sounded disrespectful as that was not my intent. He kept badgering (as they do) I repeated it once then held to, "I explained that already" and then when he wouldn't stop badgering (wanting to force me to agree with his negative summation of me) I said I needed to leave the room and went to bed. I was starting to have pain in my chest and down my left arm, meaning anxiety, which adversely affects my fibromyalgia and my mood (insert squiggy eyed angry look here.)

So I did my calming breathing etc. and thought about what had just happened. I still managed to remove myself before things got too out of control, and once I was away I could see what had been bigger pain on his face than what the situation warranted.

The next day, somehow or other the night before came up. I tried to do the SET thing:

S(upport) "I really love you, ya know... . " (pwBPD have a huge need to know they are accepted in spite of their faults--the ones they try to pretend they don't have)

E(mpathize) "I was thinking about our conversation of last night, and it felt like your hurt was bigger and deeper than our talk" (he can only hear this because I've been working hard to Validate whenever there's a chance, so he's feeling a bit more trusting)

T(ruth) "I needed to leave the room because I was getting pain in my chest and left arm." (we've talked on previous occasions about how his anger has a negative impact on my health.)

That went okay, we didn't belabor it.

The next day he offered this: "I'm trying to do what you said and not make things about more than what they are."

!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blazing Star]

Yay!     

That's great! Well done you! I love how perceptive you were, and your SET to him was compassionate yet assertive and simple!

Thanks for sharing DreamFlyer! Keep it up.

Love Blazing Star

[CurlyJones]

Well done!

Thank you for sharing your reflections!

[Saffron2]

That seemed to have worked beautifully!  Thanks for sharing. 

[waverider]

You did well, and see how keeping it short, simple and to the point leaves less room for going off on a tangient

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh THANK you, all of you! I was so happy happy.  I know it's one small success, but dang it I'LL TAKE IT!

[Theo41]

Dream Flyer, Excellent. Thanks for sharing a good success story. My uBPDw has similar characteristics. Need constant or at least regular reassurance. Can not tolerate teasing, and will react dramatically and excessively to any affront ,real or imagined. I have been working on keeping quiet and have just started experimenting with validation. My w seems to be able to get a grip more readily now so episodes are not as prolonged. Additionally she writes occasional letters of apology. I find it very helpful also to keep the level of stress low by not trying to do so many time consuming and inherently stressful things, like entertain, and travel long distances by car. That alone has reduced the amount of splitting and dis regulating. Keep up the good work. Theo

[DreamFlyer99]

Thanks Theo!

I can be taught!