Grasping for comfort

[dharmagems]

It's been a hard 3 weeks past.

I finally got from my xBPDh in March this year my divorce decree.  Since then I have been planning an expensive IVF  (In vitro Fertilization).  For more than a year, I was debating what I should do with my BPD partner.  So I made the hardest decision and got a divorce from him and then try to have children on my own.  I've been scared, but now is the time even without a partner because I'm 40 yo.   I got a part time Massage Job to suppliment my other income.  I've used the massage job to get out of the house and to change focus.  It worked tremendously and I felt a bit more confident about myself.  I had some therapy to deal with panic and PTSD.   On the weekends, I rented a hostel room in a big city 1 hour drive away to do creative things like attend music and dance classes that used to make me happy before I met my ex.  I also attended a lot of CODA meetings and survivors of abuse meetings and I found great solace, like a family feeling there.  For 2 months I have been doing these things to help me out deal with not having him around any longer and deal with my PTSD of starting a new life and building finances again. 

Then in June-July this year, I had my first IVF cycle ever and using donor sperm.  I quit my massage job, and travelled out of state to do that.  The meds and surgery were very taxing on my body and emotions, and I received word that I'm not pregnant.  I do still have 6 embryos for Frozen transfer in the future.  But, my mind is getting depressed because of my age, the hopes of me getting pregnant are looking bleak.

Now with the news of my negative results, and all I could think of is calling my ex up.  I feel like I am like an addict holding my phone, wanting to text him.  What is happening is that he is very doting and soothing when I needed it in the past.  This idealization phase is really addicting to me because I grew up with an abusive and neglectful mother, so that is what hooked me to stay with him for so long, even with all of his rage/blame episodes. 

I am feeling so edgy and nervous again.  I've decided to have a part time dwelling nearer to the big city because I felt that it is worth being closer to the support groups and other group activities for healing like groups like tai chi.  They help me deeply relax and find my devine-self again and I don't feel so alone. Still, many stressful things I do from dealing with my not-so-nice roommate, to dealing with pushy and aggressive people, I think of calling my ex.  Don't worry, I get to practice my new found boundary skills on my new roommate.  Still,  I know I am seeking comfort, and I remember my ex's ways of soothing me.  These hard temptation feelings come in waves throughout the day.  On top of this I am also dealing with moods associated with my low blood sugar I have to tend to daily.  I really have my life packed with so much, it's overwhelming. 

I am grasping for comfort when I want to call my ex.  I would love a financially supportive partner to do these hard processes with because I equate money with security.  That's also a big reason for wanting to call my ex.  I know what it takes to stay with a BPD partner.  But growing up in a violent home, it pains me to think of even putting effort.  Sometimes I think maybe I can put up with the rage. 

Oh, I go back and forth in my mind, and I know it's causing me so much stress.

Is there anyone that can offer words of support or wisdom?  I'm feeling desperate and still scared with all that is happening.

     

[Rose Tiger]

   I have a friend that got pregnant at 45 with invitro.  Twins!  The hormones can be a bear to deal with.  I know what you mean with financial worries and wanted to have a partner to help with paying the bills and to go through the in vitro with you.  I don't think that is outside of the realm of possibility for you to have in the future.  But it won't be with the ex, it can't be, you know from experience that it is no good for you.  You haven't been broken up for that long, it does take some time for all the wounds to heal and to be open to meeting a new partner.  Give yourself credit for all you've accomplished!  Keep moving forward towards your dreams and do not contact the ex, find anything else you can to self soothe.  Contact with him would set you back a few paces, keep moving forward.

[dharmagems]

Thank you Rose Tiger for your words.  You're saying the words deeply I know in my heart to be true.  It's just when things are stressful and so hard in the world, and I mean WOW, like I can't get through the pain, my ex was like an immediate comfort to soothe myself.  It is like a drug, grasping something to help me soothe the massive pain.  Someone told me that life is like a roller coaster and either I grasp and hold on to the handles or let go, put my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.  In the step program, to let go and let G take over is part of the steps.  Let go and let G. 

[heartandwhole]

dharmagems,

Your post really touched me.  I feel for you.  I know that feeling of wanting to be soothed, loved, cared for again - of course we want that, it's so normal and we need it.  I hope you will be gentle with yourself about these feelings, they are very understandable, especially in times of stress.

I think learning to soothe and take care of ourselves can be a difficult lesson, something we have to practice over and over again.  I know that I am just learning how to give myself what I need - when I even know what I'm feeling and needing, that is 

You did the right thing, reaching out.  We're here for you and we understand this longing.  I think what you said about letting go is so wise.  I've heard of many success stories for people who wanted children when they let go... .

It's a lesson I'm learning as well.  Big hugs 

heart

[Rose Tiger]

It is rough to yearn for a child and then you see babies all around, it is really hard.  I wonder, if volunteering at a pregnancy support center would help.  You know being around babies you could love and hold.  I worked a summer as a teen in the baby room at a church.  It was probably the best job I ever had and you bond pretty close with the regulars.  I don't know if that would help or make it rougher for you?  Just a thought I had.  I think if God put this yearning in your heart, He's going to make it happen.  He is all into miracles.

There is a book 101 Simple Lessons for Life by Marsha Marks that is just wonderful little short stories of encouragement, she also wanted a child but God said wait.  She talks about in this book and it's so encouraging.

www.amazon.com/books/dp/1578566975

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Dharmagems,

Lots of hugs coming your way:   

AnotherPheonix 

[dharmagems]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you for being so gentle and understanding of my struggle.  Giving myself kindness is the only path.  There's no quick answer.  Reaching out is about the only thing I could do to keep sane.  And you and others have been gracious community, a comfort in the aftermath of the devastation of the BPD storm.  I don't feel so alone.

Rose Tiger,

I'm working on being a kind mother to myself right now.  Now that there is so much going on in this change.  Thank you so much for the book recommendation.  I will look upon it.  I have to be loving to myself as I accept God's path for me.  As I go through 2 more FETs this year, I will keep god and my friends in my heart as I allow for things to happen and then let go.  Longing is so much suffering, so I am using this time and situation to practice letting go.  I feel your deep insight and strength.

Another Phoenix,

Hugs received.  Thank you kind spirit for sending hugs my way.

[Clearmind]

Firstly dharmagems I am going to give you a big hug and say everything will be just fine.

Having any negative result, especially after the 2 week wait is really hard to take. The period surfaces and then the emotions are overwhelming.

I know exactly what you are going through – I did exactly what you did – 40 and suddenly single I also chose the IVF/donor sperm path – I’m now 16 weeks pregnant.

A few things my fertility doctor said to me that really helped:

-   even when conceived naturally not all embryos stick because the body has an innate way of just knowing when the genetic make up is not the best – which shows as a period more often they actually realize

-   Keep trying because one little embryo just sticks when you least expect it – I never believed him until it happened to me.

- donor sperm is young sperm which greatly increases your chances. Its amazing how the older a man gets fertility does decrease

Its wonderful you have frozen embryos – they say frozen is better because your body is not full of all those drugs.

I also recommend accupunture.

Have you considered transferring two embryos? Keep going!