Struggling with idealization -- please help.

[Dave44]

I'm really having a hard time and have decided to turn to the boards again.

I'm now into month 9 since my ex uBPDgf ended our relationship in the blink of an eye and left me homeless and in a hotel. Since then I have not heard a single word from here in any way shape or form. Not a peep, ziltch, notta... . nothing. That in itself has been extremely difficult to deal with considering all the things she said about how strong her love was for me -- like no other before.

I'm finding that even this far out I still have her on a pedestal so high it can't be described. I still completely idealize her and long for her everyday. Would I take her back? Absolutely not -- there's no way I could. Do I want her back? Yes, incredibly. I find that as time has gone on the longing for her has increased. Most said it would get better with time and while certain things have such as I don't feel suicidal anymore and am able to get out of the house and do stuff I find that my pining for her has only grown stronger. This has become very frustrating. I've been through many hours of T and have been able to read and research the disorder enough to make sense of what all happened. More importantly I'm now fully aware of the true magnitude of the lies she fed me -- pathological lies about nearly everything in the relationship. That coupled with the horrendous acts of cruelty that she displayed during the break up including a sheer lack of empathy, sympathy or even the slightest bit of remorse for leaving me homeless with nothing but my car, my T.V and my clothes 27 days after moving in with her and her two kids has me begging the question why do I feel like this? I mean that is completely insane in itself! Why on earth would I be pining so desperately for a human being that has done what she has done to me?

The fact that I still regard her so highly is also starting to affect my personal life as I'm becoming more and more paranoid about running into her when I'm out and about. I find as soon as I leave the house my anxiety is through the roof constantly in a panic until I get home to my "safe place". Every time I see her car on the road it's sheer hell and the odd couple times that I have seen her (she hasn't seen me) it wrecks me for days -- literally.

I'm really, really hurting right now. I really do have so much to offer a women in a partnership. I so desperately want to share my life with someone, share my feelings, share my vulnerabilities with another who reciprocates all that. However the fact that I miss her to this extent has me feeling really bad about myself. I don't think I have even the slightest shred of self confidence or dignity left in me despite all the activities and hobbies I partake in. The Maroon 5 song "One More Night" keeps playing in my head. I'm sorry to say this but I would give anything to have one more night with her. Not even for sex, just so simply walk into the only place that I've ever felt like "Home" (her place), wrap my arms around her, crawl in bed and be close to her for one more night. I miss her on a level I can't even put into words and I'm fighting back the tears as I write this as I feel my level of loneliness is nearing rock bottom. I'm very, very sad.   

[Newton]

Dave It's great to see you reaching out here when you are feeling low... . I remember talking to you when things became really desperate a few months ago... . It's important you congratulate yourself on how far you have come in such a short space of time!... . Your posts to others here since then have helped them as well! 

At the moment you are experiencing cognitive dissonance in its purest form... . your thoughts are telling you how crazy things would become again... . this is a person who has treated you very poorly... . even your body is showing you that you need to avoid her with your anxiety reaction... .

And yet you still crave her validation... . THIS is the key to your recovery... . why do you require someone who cannot appreciate you for who you are?... .

Trust me fella... . when you work this out... . and believe it... . you will be in a place to find the partner you deserve 

It's obvious you are a kind, sensitive, caring man... . so many women would love someone like that in their lives!... . There is a reason you need this crazy ex to want you... . and the answer to that question is in you!

One more night with her would just prove yet again that she is not capable of treating you with the respect you deserve... .

[Emelie Emelie]

Dave - I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I know how you feel.  The pining for someone who has really treated you horribly.  The incredible sadness.  Have you tried reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing?  It has helped me somewhat.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Dave44,

It's good to read a post from you, but I'm sorry you are hurting.  I understand the part of you that still wants to be with her.  There is a part of me that still feels that way at times (sometimes strongly) and it's been about 7 months.  Part of my pattern is wanting/thinking I can somehow fix my ex.  Recognizing that this is not reality helps break some of the spell.  I also had the false belief that she could somehow make me whole or complete me.  I didn't feel complete when I met her, so I wasn't bringing my full self into the relationship.  Another person does not have that kind of power, nor do I. 

My journey now is consisting of how can I feel complete within myself, not needing the validation of the other?  I don't think there is anything wrong at all with validating one another.  In fact, we need that as humans.  But if I am looking to that without being first complete within myself, I will always come up feeling empty.  Are you still in T?  I am seeing a T and working on other outlets to help.  It helps me a lot to reach out to others like I'm doing with you right now.  Get out of yourself.  Take care.

[Dave44]

Thanks for the support and kind words everyone.

Newton. There is a reason that I need this crazy ex to want me and validate me. It's something that I've questioned for the past 8 months but for the life of me I can not seem to figure out why? Honestly, it's driving me crazy. I would give ANYTHING to find the answer to that question. Why? Why given the now proof of the amount of lies she fed me RIGHT from the very first date would I want her to want me? This is so deflating -- I really wish I could figure it out. I just want her so desperately to reach out. Even though it would only be for her own needs and I would never take her back for some reason it would put me at peace.

[seeking balance]

Hi Dave,

Newton has pointed you in the right direction on this one - do you happen to have a T?

Let me see if I can simplify this, based on what you wrote - you feel extreme, utter loneliness and this woman provided you comfort from this feeling - do I understand what you wrote correctly?

[bpdspell]

Dave44,

Your post put me in tears  :'( :'( :'( and took me back to that place of deep sadness and loneliness. I feel deep compassion and understanding in your feelings of longing and emptiness.

I understand that you're in therapy but how is it helping you? I ask this because although you have made progress in accepting the breakup you are still struggling with detaching due to your belief that this mentally ill woman has the keys to your happiness.

I was in therapy for an entire year yet still struggling hard with the desire and longing to be with my ex. I was unloading with my therapist; yet still emotional suffering and healing at a snails pace.

Turns out I was with the wrong therapist.

This may be radical to suggest but perhaps you need a switch to someone who can support you in understanding the toxic dance of being in relationship with narcissist/borderline. Not all therapists are qualified in helping us unpack our trauma bonds and its connection to our family of origin.

I made a therapeutic switch and it helped me tremendously in turning the corner on my healing. My family of origin was at the root of my attachment to my borderline ex and my unwillingness to not want to let go of idealization.

Dave 44. The goal is detachment and it will require mourning and grieving the loss of what we believed would finally make us feel validated, cared for and unconditionally loved.

As cliche as it may sound the answer to feeling validated and unconditionally loved can never come from an outside source. It can only come from us.

Feel better and continue to post on here. We are here to validate your tough moments.

Spell

[seeking balance]

Sorry Dave - glad spell pointed out you did have a T for us.

On that note, still want to clarify that we correctly understand the emotions you are struggling with

you feel extreme, utter loneliness and this woman provided you comfort from this feeling - do I understand what you wrote correctly?

[tailspin]

Dave, big hugs to you.

I don't think you idolized your ex; I think you idolized how she made you feel.  You've given her credit for making you feel great, wonderful, powerful, special and loved.  You've put her on a pedestal with flattering lighting because she made you feel the best you've ever felt before in your life.  But here's the thing Dave... . it was all a lie.  She didn't make you feel this way; you did.  Everything good and wonderful and endearing came from you and she just mirrored it back.

We tell ourselves this lie and we believe it to some extent.  Otherwise, we would be alone and lonely, right?  And no one would love us, right?  We lie to spare ourselves the ugly truth:  we don't think we're loveable and we truly believe that we aren't worthy of real love.  So we tolerate the emotional abuse and the cruelty to avoid what we believe will happen to us if we don't.   

I'm here to tell you that none of this is true.  Fear is holding you back from letting go of the idealized version of your ex and your fear is based upon something that simply isn't true.  You saw her as you wanted her to be and not how she really was.  And you see yourself as how she made you feel but you are much more than that.  She may have left you, but don't let her take the best part of you with her.  And Dave... . she didn't leave because you weren't worth staying for.  She left because she couldn't stay. 

tailspin

[Dave44]

Can't thank everyone who's taken the time to respond enough -- I really need it right now.

Spell. I am still in T but the town I live in has no one that specializes in BPD or personality disorders -- this making it difficult.

Tailspin. You said everything good came from me and she just mirrored it back. I'm not sure I agree with you or even quite understand that fully. The way she made me feel came from HER not me. Can you take a moment and explain that a bit further please?

SB. Yes that is correct. The emotions I'm struggling with are extreme lonlilness missing the unbelievable way she made me feel -- like never before in my life. Also and maybe even more importantly I'm struggling VERY much with the fear of seeing her everytime I leave the house. I say more importantly becuase this fear is directly effecting my personal life by avoiding going out at all cost. For example -- I just arrived at work (10 minute drive) and on the way here I saw the same car and colour that she drives. Even just that made me feel like I saw a ghost. Dry mouth, heart pounding, sweating, rapid breathing... . just horrible. And that was only seeing the same car as her!

This is all very tough to deal with as in the months past it never was this bad. For some reason the fear of seeing her has only gotten worse and worse resulting in a pretty crappy personal life. I'm a prisoner of my own home. 

[seeking balance]

SB. Yes that is correct. The emotions I'm struggling with are extreme lonlilness missing the unbelievable way she made me feel -- like never before in my life. Also and maybe even more importantly I'm struggling VERY much with the fear of seeing her everytime I leave the house. I say more importantly becuase this fear is directly effecting my personal life by avoiding going out at all cost. For example -- I just arrived at work (10 minute drive) and on the way here I saw the same car and colour that she drives. Even just that made me feel like I saw a ghost. Dry mouth, heart pounding, sweating, rapid breathing... . just horrible. And that was only seeing the same car as her!

This is all very tough to deal with as in the months past it never was this bad. For some reason the fear of seeing her has only gotten worse and worse resulting in a pretty crappy personal life. I'm a prisoner of my own home. 

Thanks for clarifying Dave

Ok - your T - it really doesn't matter if she specializes in BPD or PD's if YOU are not BPD - do you spend a lot of time talking about BPD with this T rather than your own symptoms of depression and living in FEAR of running into your ex - meaning this is about YOUR TRAUMA now.

Loneliness is tough - so, if I understood you - you never ever felt lonely before this relationship?  Ever?  Did you ever feel not good enough at any point in your life?

[Dave44]

SB. Yes that is correct. The emotions I'm struggling with are extreme lonlilness missing the unbelievable way she made me feel -- like never before in my life. Also and maybe even more importantly I'm struggling VERY much with the fear of seeing her everytime I leave the house. I say more importantly becuase this fear is directly effecting my personal life by avoiding going out at all cost. For example -- I just arrived at work (10 minute drive) and on the way here I saw the same car and colour that she drives. Even just that made me feel like I saw a ghost. Dry mouth, heart pounding, sweating, rapid breathing... . just horrible. And that was only seeing the same car as her!

This is all very tough to deal with as in the months past it never was this bad. For some reason the fear of seeing her has only gotten worse and worse resulting in a pretty crappy personal life. I'm a prisoner of my own home. 

Thanks for clarifying Dave

Ok - your T - it really doesn't matter if she specializes in BPD or PD's if YOU are not BPD - do you spend a lot of time talking about BPD with this T rather than your own symptoms of depression and living in FEAR of running into your ex - meaning this is about YOUR TRAUMA now.

Loneliness is tough - so, if I understood you - you never ever felt lonely before this relationship?  Ever?  Did you ever feel not good enough at any point in your life?

SB. Yes I felt lonely before. Matter of fact I was probably at the loneliest point of my life at the point of when she came into it -- it was perfect timing for a cocktail of destruction given the dynamics of a BPD relationship and how incredibly vulnerable I was at the time. I wish I could go back to that time though. As lonely as I was then when she came into my life it pails in comparison to how lonely I am now... .

[seeking balance]

SB. Yes I felt lonely before. Matter of fact I was probably at the loneliest point of my life at the point of when she came into it -- it was perfect timing for a cocktail of destruction given the dynamics of a BPD relationship and how incredibly vulnerable I was at the time. I wish I could go back to that time though. As lonely as I was then when she came into my life it pails in comparison to how lonely I am now... .

This makes sense Dave - I know I was lonely when my BPD came into my life too.

What I have learned is that getting ok with the loneliness is how we can move into being healthy.  Using another person as that "lonely bandaid" only sets us up for more pain when that person is gone.

Have you talked to your T about strategies to overcome your own loneliness - building that resistance from within?

[tailspin]

As lonely as I was then when she came into my life it pails in comparison to how lonely I am now... .

Dave,

I know exactly how you feel because I was the same way.  9 months out, I was in the same place you are right now.  I also had anxiety about seeing my ex and yes, just seeing the same vehicle he drove would make my heart pound.  I think what you're experiencing is similar to what many of us have been through.  Depression, fear and loneliness can be really scary but it's important to know you won't always feel like this.  You can move past this and feel like yourself again, I promise. 

You say you were lonely before you met your ex.  I was too.  Matter of fact, I've been alone most of my life.  What does being alone feel like to you?  Can you post a list of what loneliness feels like to you? 

tailspin

[Phoenix.Rising]

I can relate to loneliness as well.  pwBPDs are excellent at quelling that loneliness, but my experience is it will keep returning if I don't face it.  Walking into and through the fear, pain, and loneliness is the only true way out of it.  You are already doing that by talking about it with us.  And we understand exactly what you are feeling. 

What do you like to do that is fun?  I started dated again, and it is challenging for sure, but it helps with the loneliness.  I've already had to tell one woman that she was not the right match for me, and that was hard.  But putting myself out there has been therapeutic. 

I didn't date for a year.  You don't have to go into it thinking you're going to hook up with your soul mate right off the bat, because it's highly likely you won't.  I guess what I'm really trying to say is have some fun.  I'm sure you know how to do that.  Good luck.

[Dave44]

Tailspin,

I would describe the feelings of my loneliness as:

- A constant dull pain

- A feeling of worthlessness

- No hope

- Lack of self worth

- Lack of motivation

- No self confidence

- Very, very sad

These feeling also overwhelm me the couple times that I have seen her out too. ESPECIALLY the feeling of worthlessness. When I saw her I can't describe how small I felt. I felt so insignificant for some reason -- absolutely worthless. I can't understand why though? I mean, if anything shouldn't SHE be feeling like that, not me? I didn't do anything wrong and she did horrible things! Why am I the one left cowering in a corner and or avoiding leaving the house at all costs in an attempt to avoid crossing paths with her.

I'm really struggling again. 

[tailspin]

Dave,

I felt the exact same way... . I was truly in a tailspin.  What you're feeling is to be expected and a common reaction to the extreme emotional turmoil you've been through and are going through.  Your nervous system is in overload right now and these are all symptoms of this overload.  The way you are feeling... . all these feelings... . are to be expected and are a part of the growth you're experiencing right now.  It's ok to feel this way because you can work through this 

Why do you think you feel worthless the couple of times you've seen her? 

What memory does seeing her again trigger in you? 

Can you remember feeling this way before, maybe when you were younger?  If so, what was going on in your life at the time?

I've had to answer all these questions for myself too Dave.  Don't be afraid to put it all out there; personal growth is sometimes painful.

I agree, you did nothing wrong, but that doesn't mean there isn't a lesson to learn here.  Let's take her out of the conversation and just focus on you right now.

tailspin

[Dave44]

Tailspin,

That's the million dollar question... . I just don't know why I feel like that when I see her? Nor do I know what it is that it triggers in me when I see her. It's absolutely horrible though. I feel like she's so much better than me, so above me. I really wish I could figure out what exactly it was that was behind making me feel like that when I see her. I feel I could really make some head way if I could get to the bottom of that. 

Regarding what I previously mentioned regarding my loneliness and vulnerability at the time when she came into my life I wanted to share something with you. The relationship moved at lighting speed as these types so often do. I really felt myself falling hard and fast and given how lonely I was just prior to this I was a little hesitant of truly letting go with her. I decided to write her an email one day, sort of sit down and put my thoughts on "paper" so to speak about my reservations, my vulnerability and my honest feelings towards her. This is word for word what she replied with:

":)ave, thank you for this email.  Means so much to me, glad you were able to think about things and dig deep down. I know everyone in your past has left you and you can't help but feel scared that it's going to happen again once you get close to someone cause really that's all you've ever known. But time and Life changes, I"m not anyone that has abandoned you and I can promise you one thing I never will be. I mean it when I say I truly feel we belong together.  LIke you were my missing piece. When we are together I have never been so happy and felt soo complete.  I believe we have a lifetime of this and I truly hope as time goes on and we spend more and more and more time together and our relationship progresses all those fears will just fade away and you'll be filled with not only a seance of belonging with me and the girls but also a sense of certainty that we are never going anywhere unless your with us.  Love you so much and thanks again for sending this xoxoxoxoxo"

You have no idea how powerful those words were for me at the time. Needless to say I completely let go after that. Ironically she did the exact things she said she would never do in that email -- brutally to boot. How could someone do that, ESPECIALLY knowing where I was coming from. I mean, I laid it all out on the line. This wasn't a 21 year old kid either... . she was a 37 year old mother of too. How could she do what she did when she clearl understood my reservations and vulnerability going into it?

[tailspin]

Yeah Dave, I know.  My ex swore up and down that he would never, ever cheat because he had been cheated on and he "knew" what it felt like.  Guess what?  He cheated on me anyway.  You cannot focus or even consider the words that were said because the words that were said aren't important anymore.

Ok enough of her.  Back to you.  So from your post I see "everyone in your life has left you."  I get this because this is mostly true for me as well.  Do you see how you feel abandoned right now?  Do you see how feeling abandoned may also cause you to feel worthless, hopeless, with low self esteem and confidence?  Do you see how being abandoned would make you feel sad?  If you can see this, then can you accept what you're feeling is ok? 

Have you explored these feelings with your T?  Do you have a plan in place concerning what to do when these feelings surface?  Have you talked about how people from your past also abandoned you and how this made you feel?  We were helpless as children and couldn't take care of ourselves.  When we weren't cared for it was a big deal.  These are real issues and you deserve to understand this wasn't your fault.  Keep posting.  Start a new thread maybe about feeling abandoned.  This is about you now and you are worth the effort.

tailspin