Emotional cheating, how do you recover from it?

[exhausted85]

So my other half has a very black and white definition of cheating, he's told me he has had a "spark" with others and that he felt they were the one, it's never lasted but has happened a few of times over the past year. To him he hasn't cheated because he never let it get to a physical stage even when it was offered.

We had a big talk last week and that's when he told me, he says he's just missing the relationship but I'm just heart broken. Still trying to get used to his swings and roundabouts regarding his moods but god it's tearing me up inside. I love him, and we both agreed to work on getting back our spark, but on his off/ silent days I feel a wreck and have that fear of him having found another "spark" with someone even though I know he's had a really crappy day at work and is just in a complete grump.

I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic, but I'm at a loss.

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[elessar]

No, you do not sound pathetic. Emotional cheating is just soul crushing. We all want an emotional connection in a relationship, and if that is not there then the physical connection holds no meaning. Unfortunately borderlines always seek validation from others. This has been eating me too for a while because of her constant validation/attention seeking from strangers. As if all the compliments I give her are lies, but what they tell her or the sexual desire they express towards makes her feel better about herself. It makes me sick.

I wish I could give you a hug, but here's a virtual one 

I don't know if what I said helped, but wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. I have been going to group therapy for three months now, and what I have learned is that I am not alone. I am not crazy that no one else sees her crazy behavior (high functioning BPD... . ). So you aren't alone either.

What are your next steps of action in your mind?

[exhausted85]

Thank you it does help knowing I'm not alone in this, actually crying at the hug, it's such a weight lifted to be able to talk to an understanding ear .

As for what next. We are having an us day tomorrow that's been planned for a while, so I'm hopeful that time together will begin to heal the rift.

Just feeling down as tonight I tried to do a validation thing, I know he's having a bad time at work so I did lots of little things to make sure he had a stress free time when he got home so he could unwind made sure he wanted for nothing addressed some the things about me and us he was "missing" when he told me why he went to those other people, told him I understood what he's feeling and it was OK, I just want to ease it for him and all that was met with the silent treatment.

[Saffron2]

Emotional cheating is a very painful thing to deal with. 

I can see how an average person could fall into the trap of having an emotional affair, but once it's out in the open, the couple should be able to talk about it, and the offending party should try to understand their partner's feelings at least. The offending party should be willing to make necessary changes.

It's not so easy when you're dealing with someone with a PD - their lack of boundaries plus constant need for attention, admiration (or whatever else they're looking for) is a recipe for this sort of thing.  Add in their black and white definition, which may only include intercourse, and it becomes a situation that's beyond frustrating to deal with.

In case you can't tell, I've been dealing with this for YEARS!  MY husband started off with emotional affairs, which later became physical, but that's a different story.  Whenever I'd try to talk to him about how I felt and the need for boundaries, he'd give me this puzzled look and say something like, "What's the problem?  I'm not having sex with her." I really believe that he honestly thought that if what he was doing didn't involve his penis in her vagina, then he was doing nothing wrong... . The closest I ever got to making him understand anything about this was when I asked him what the difference was between a marriage to me, and the relationship that he'd have with a prostitute.  He thought for a minute, then came back with, "Closeness, a bond, sharing dreams and feelings."  I responded, "Exactly, and that's what you're giving to another woman", and walked away. 

addressed some the things about me and us he was "missing" when he told me why he went to those other people

I'm not saying that something is or isn't missing in your r/s, but wanted to share with you what I have only learned recently.  This has nothing to do with you; it's him. You could have the perfect r/s, giving him everything he needs and more, and he will still have that need for attention/validation/excitement (whatever he's getting out of doing this) that he chooses to fill by having an emotional affair.

You definitely are understood here.  Hang in there and enjoy your day out. 

[Narina]

Oh, you are definitely not alone! It has ripped me apart, as I imagine it has done to you. The first thing you must do is love yourself. Next, you have to decide what you can handle. Are you two even in therapy? I ask, because I assure you this does not get better on it's own.

I wish I had all the answers,but I don't. I just know you have to take care of you irregardless of what the other one does. YOu don't deserve that. Nobody does. I know it is sad when you can see where it's coming from and yet,you can't get them to stop detroying all that you've built together.

[MaybeSo]

It's not so easy when you're dealing with someone with a PD - their lack of boundaries plus constant need for attention, admiration (or whatever else they're looking for) is a recipe for this sort of thing.  Add in their black and white definition, which may only include intercourse, and it becomes a situation that's beyond frustrating to deal with.

In case you can't tell, I've been dealing with this for YEARS!

Count me in, too.

This is not an easy thing to live with if you are wanting a stable, committed relationship.  

I've been involved with a man who has done this on and off for, oh, going on 7 years... . and he's been in therapy for 8 years.  I helped raise his kids, we are good friends etc., but he just cannot stop his addiction-like quest for finding 'the one'.  

What I have learned, it that the way people have learned to get their romantic/attention needs met, once entrenched, is a very, very, very difficult thing to change.

At this point, he's just like an addict. He'd like to change, but he just can't seem to stop himself.

Sometimes it's not an emotional affair and they are just in a bad mood; but, it's not fun trying to 'tell' which it is, either.

Anyhoo, at this point, I basically exit the r/s when he does this.  This last recent go around, did include actual intercourse (first time as far as I am aware, usually he's just idealizing someone else while devaluing me... . which is a worse experience than your partner just having a one night stand with someone, much worse... . ).  He at least admitted it to me and didn't lie about it.  

So, it's back to NC for us.  My story is pretty well documented on this forum.

Sigh.

[exhausted85]

No, no therapy, although I did make him promise, that if what's going on in his head is what's stopping us from sorting out our relationship then I would like him to get help, and that if what's going on my head stops it, that I would get help. Made it as fair as possible, didn't want to lay a load of blame down on him and I probably have as many issues myself. he quite happily said that was logical and reasonable, so there's hope.

After reading the first few replies from this, this morning, I felt amazing and completely different from when I typed this last night, like a massive weight had been lifted just by talking to people who understand (also got one of the book recommended on here and that's making a whole bunch sense of crazy stuff), so thank you so much guys. Even if just for one day, I felt like the old me again and it must have shown because he commented on it a few times today, my confidence, I made decisions, my body position (not slouching or trying to crawl into myself). He just couldn't put me down or belittle me, it just rolled right of my back and he gave up after the first try and went back to being really sweet. He did keep pointing out guys who were apparently checking me out, but no jealousy or anything, more like pride and almost like encouragement, which I found kind of a weird complement but hey, he's interacting. Sadly what he ate when we went out for lunch back fired so he was pretty ill this evening and wanting lots of hugs, and me to nurse him (The sceptic in me was like "is this a ploy because the belittling thing didn't work out so well for him this morning?). Felt bad for him because it was a great start to the day and he got ill so couldn't enjoy himself in the evening.

[Saffron2]

I've been involved with a man who has done this on and off for, oh, going on 7 years... . and he's been in therapy for 8 years.

All of this AFTER he's been in therapy for 8 years?  Good grief!

This last recent go around, did include actual intercourse (first time as far as I am aware, usually he's just idealizing someone else while devaluing me... . which is a worse experience than your partner just having a one night stand with someone, much worse... . ).  He at least admitted it to me and didn't lie about it. 

You are so right about this being so much more painful... . much, much more painful.  It is amazing that he admitted it though.  If I actually caught my husband having sex with a woman, he'd probably tell me that I misunderstood, that it wasn't really his d*ck!

I'm glad that the responses helped you feel a little better, Exhausted.  I hope that you continue to find the support that you need.

[MaybeSo]

Yup, 8 years of therapy; and it has been helpful to him in a lot of areas, but life is more than just how you behave with a lover/partner. Therapy is no magic bullet that fixes a person and turns them into our perfect partner. It's much more complicated than that.

[Clearmind]

Its very hard not to take these things personally however in almost all cases these types of actions would have more to do with his own feelings of inadequacies than his need to hurt you.

Being BPD he is unable to process and take responsiblity for his role in seeking out emotional validation elsewhere. This is unfortunate because as women its the one thing we want to hear... . "I'm sorry, its my stuff and it won't happen again". However it takes a long time for us to trust.

exhausted85, open communication maybe in order here - you both need to voice your needs and be heard so that you don't feel honored and respected in this relationship.

Are you receiving any help of a therapist?

[exhausted85]

No, no therapists involved at all yet (mainly due to money, no way to afford one). The happiness didn't last longer than that one day and he's back to being his emotionally vacant self, went to give him a hug this evening  and his reply was "you're being very needy today" (that was the first time I went to hug him today despite the warning signs which I know was daft and setting myself up for this). Tried to not take it personally as I know that just means he's in one of his phases, but cant help but feel rejected.

[MaybeSo]

No, no therapists involved at all yet (mainly due to money, no way to afford one

).

Many therapists will do sliding scale. Many cities have community counseling offices or agencies that offer free or low cost therapy. Many Domestic Violence shelters have trained counselors who understand verbal and emotional abuse and work for free under grants. Those counselors usually know who the good therapists are in the community that take sliding scale or work under grants,  too.  Any woman's support group could be helpful and is usually free or low cost, Coda meetings are usually supportive and helpful, too.

There are usually more resources out there than we first imagine.