Hopefully it's all done now

[causticdork]

So my ex has been contacting me about picking up some things she left at my house, and while I've been pretty strictly NC about other stuff, I was willing to communicate in order to get her back her things.  She has quite a bit of my stuff that she's "borrowed" over the past few months, and I told her I would leave her things on the porch and she could drop off whatever she had of mine.  After several delays this past week, she came by about a half hour ago, very noisily got her stuff (I was in the kitchen making something to eat and I could clearly hear her on the porch) and left.  I waited about fifteen minutes and then went out to grab whatever she left of mine, only to find one thing she had borrowed from my sister, and not a single thing that she had of mine.   

I almost texted her.  I had my phone out about to ask why she didn't leave all the clothes and things that she had that we had talked about her leaving when she came by.  And then I realized that was probably exactly why she hadn't left any of my stuff.  She wants me to contact her.  She wants an excuse to stay connected.  I made it clear to her that I had gone through the entire house and packed up every single thing that ever belonged to her, and that it was all boxed up and waiting.  There's nothing left here for her to come looking for.  If she has my stuff she can always pretend she just happened to stumbled across it and contact me to see if I want it back. 

I've done a mental inventory of all the things she took.  There are a couple shirts I really liked that I wanted back, but nothing worth speaking to her or keeping her in my life over.  She can't claim I have anything of hers that she absolutely needs to come get anymore, and I can ignore her if she decides to try and contact me about my possessions.  It feels good.  It would feel better if she'd just been an adult and given me back my stuff, but I've learned not to expect for her to be an adult about anything. I've been a little on edge all week, just wanting her stuff out of my house so she could be completely out of my life.  It's so nice to have it done with.

Anyone else experienced the whole withholding of possessions in order to have an excuse to talk later on?  I'm fairly positive that's what she's doing.  Luckily she doesn't have anything I'm attached to or that I can't replace.

[Moonie75]

YES! Every time we split before this would happen to me.

It's utterly maddening that a simple adult exchange gets hi-jacked by an arrested child. But hopefully the last experience you'll have with those wonky dynamics, so crack yourself a beer son.

[bewildered2]

it's normal... . just trying to keep a link.

time now to just ease away... .

b2

[talithacumi]

Oh, yes!

Until our split, mine worked for me doing residential construction/remodelling. When he left, he smeared me to my clients - told them I'd been having an affair, dumped him/moved out of state to start a new life with my lover, and therefore wouldn't be available to do the work they'd contracted/paid me a deposit to do so they'd recontract with him instead - then "borrowed" all my tools/equipment so he could actually make good on those contracts (I was still operating deep in the FOG, and hopeful that we'd figure out a way to reconcile). Months later, having driven my business into the ground and with numerous requests/promises to return the tools/equipment - not to mention several resentful accusations about me forcing him to take/store them when he didn't have the room! - I ended up just leaving them with him when I DID finally move out of state - although NOT to be with my imaginary/supposed lover - just to get away from the constant barrage of harassment, stalking, and threats. Figured, if necessary, I'd rather invest another 20K in tools/equipment than continue to do the toxic dance with him over the ones I'd already purchased that he simply refused to give back.

When he left, he took a bunch of stuff that didn't belong to him that I thought was pretty weird (standouts are a tiny photograph of me and one of my sisters that he did eventually return, and an Ikea trivet that he knew I loved/they don't make anymore that he refused to even admit he'd taken, let alone actually return). He left a bunch of stuff that did belong to him that I thought was even weirder (standouts are his c**kring, all of his books, all of his camping gear, and all of his beer brewing equipment).

But the weirdest thing of all has to be a bag he'd been carrying around for YEARS that contained pieces of a replica Chinese terracotta warrior that I'd had/he'd accidentally broken at the very beginning of our relationship ... . which he told me via text with photo he'd spent our second Christmas post breakup apparently reassembling after his girlfriend passed out/went to bed for the night as a surprise gift for me ... . which he kept promising but never actually gave to me, but has repeatedly reassured me (through random texts with photos) that he still has/has given a place of honor on the mantle of the house he shares with my replacement, right in the middle of the little shrine he's created to our relationship that includes a near-empty pack of cigarettes he stole from me while I was in the bathroom the last time I actually met with/saw him.

I see all of it now as an excuse to reconnect/bait me into reconnecting with him.

I'm just not biting anymore.