I wanto tell W I think she has BPD and needs help... can anyone help with this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok so i had an apt with T yesterday. We have determined that I need to do a better job at consitantly setting up boundaries and sticking with them. Also validation needs work on my consitancy of that.  And that it might be time to drop the "pamphlet of BPD" on her dresser sort to speak. Anyone have any luck with bringing this up to there SO? If so how did it go?  I cringed when I just typed that. I'd be a fool to think it when all "gumdrops and lillipops".

So any advice would be so much apriciated!

[Cipher13]

Ok so i had an apt with T yesterday. We have determined that I need to do a better job at consitantly setting up boundaries and sticking with them. Also validation needs work on my consitancy of that.  And that it might be time to drop the "pamphlet of BPD" on her dresser sort to speak. Anyone have any luck with bringing this up to there SO? If so how did it go?  I cringed when I just typed that. I'd be a fool to think it when all "gumdrops and lillipops".

So any advice would be so much apriciated!

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[123Phoebe]

Ok so i had an apt with T yesterday. We have determined that I need to do a better job at consitantly setting up boundaries and sticking with them. Also validation needs work on my consitancy of that.  And that it might be time to drop the "pamphlet of BPD" on her dresser sort to speak.

Hi Cipher,

Before dropping any BPD bombs on your wife, I'd seriously work on my own stuff, that you've stated above.

We are half the relationship, half the dynamic.

Do you feel strong enough to endure the backlash of telling your wife you suspect she suffers from a serious emotional disorder that lots of therapists don't even want to or know how to deal with/treat?

[Cipher13]

Heck no I'm not strong enough to even tell her I'd like to see my family again.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Don't tell your wife she has BPD. 

Usually pwBPD will respond with: "I don't have that.  YOU have that." 

My H still doesn't believe he has BPD.  He thinks he has Dependent PD, but he doesn't.  Those with DPD don't rage.  BPD and DPD can seem similar with some shared symptoms.  However, when I told him that my sister, a T, and my own T, have both said that he has BPD, he flipped out and (as predicted by experts) he said that I have BPD. 

BTW... . years ago, H insisted that I was crazy, so I agreed that we would go to an expert to have me fully evaluated.  I did.  I let him go to all the appts so he could hear what was said.  After a lengthy evaluation and tests, the clinical psychologist declared that I am without any mental disorders and that I'm completely in the range of normal.       Dang, I should have insisted that H go thru the complete evaluation then, too!

I'm sure H's T knows he has BPD, but she's afraid to tell him. 

[Cipher13]

I know that I probably shouldn't just figured I  would put it out there.  I can't picture how it would ever go well. And by well I mean slightly less volitial than pure nuclear reaction.   So how can I live liek this. I know there are so may tools to use and work on for myself to be betterbut dang it. I shouldn't have to work so hard just to find what would close to a normal life. I looked at a post some one had about using DEARMAN... I understand that it takes alot of work but I am serious to practice how to take to them, to change how and what to say to prevent a major outburst, to live in fear of the rages, its is all too much. Thats why I thought i would through in the possible towel and say I think you need to look at this and get an evaluation. I'm done taking it on all on my own.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Thats why I thought i would throw in the possible towel and say I think you need to look at this and get an evaluation

Well, there's nothing wrong with you saying, " I cant' live like this anymore, and I won't live like this.  Unless you get some serious therapy to address what appears to be a serious condition, I won't continue to live in these conditions.  I want a more normal life."

However, it can't be an idle threat, and you may need to have a bag packed and a place to go in case she refuses and gets angry/violent. 

Nearly everything I've read has said that pwBPD often refuse to seek treatment UNTIL they realize that their partners will leave them... . and they don't want that to happen.

[shamrock]

I agree 100% with sadwifeofBPD

Your w will not seek T untill she hits HER bottom, but I think Sadw suggested the best route.

When my BPDw was told that she had BPD she said that she would rather be called A piedifile. Do you want the backlash of that?

In the mean time all you can do is work on yourself for yourself

[Chosen]

Agree with everybody else that you shouldn't be the one to tell your wife.

Imagine telling somebody they're drunk.  Since when have you been met with the response "Yeah I probably am, let me stop?"  You will be told "I'm not drunk, I'm completely fine." 

Worse still, she will think that you are labelling her so that you can put the blame on her.  She won't seek for help unless she thinks something is wrong, and currently she doesn't.

The good thing about this site is that the Lessons on the right can still help, even if your wife is not diagnosed.  There are lots of things you can learn and work through.  I'm not saying you are the problem, but perhaps there are times when you didn't handle conversations so well, or when you didn't help control the situation.  I think for now, the best you can do is to learn the techniques and work on yourself.

[wiltry]

When my partner's mom became really sick, years ago, her bipolar symptoms ratcheted up significantly. Life became something like walking through a mine field. She was in a lot of pain. I might suggest approaching your partner by telling her that you have a strong sense that she is hurting and that you have been worried about her. Maybe, let her know that her behavior does not seem like it is something that she is comfortable with and that maybe you both could go to the doctor together... .   being supportive gets you where you need to be for the help.

I think that you may avoid a situation that might cause her to shut down or strike back. I'm pretty sure I would if someone came at me with an ultimatum or a scary accusation of mental illness.

Good luck

[waverider]

Read this

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Focusing on fixing your wife rather than learning your own management skills first can be highly frustrating and counter productive

Some pwBPD will come to accept it, many will not, some will have successful treatment, most will not. Either way the non needs to do a lot of work to "fix" themselves first before any real progress is made

[Cipher13]

Thank you everyone for all you opinions. I was nto really ready to tell her. I have always tried to get her to figure something sout on her one by pointing her theat direction. Fo rthe most part that doesn't usually work all that well. Example is she quit her job and when back to looking for a "better" job. Always lookign for one. She finds one and gets aninterview and its over hour and 20 mins away. I knew that it would be worth the drive but I told her to go anyway to figure that out. I said be mndful of the drive when you go to the interview. She came back and said the drive was long. Emailed the person and said thanks bu tnot thanks. So I thought hey it worked. Nope she emailed him back and asked if she canstill be considered... . so close.

I am not going to tell her. I know she won't go for it and I know it will be a horrible situation. She blames me for her feeling this way. Well her words are causing her to feel like this. That my T has not "fixed" me and I need to find someone that will. So I will go back to the old T that we started to see as she seems to think that T can "fix" me if I just follw through whith what she tells me.

[waverider]

The up side is you can use the tools and work on yourself without interference. Once you have run it up the flagpole you will be scrutinized and accused of acting patronizing and playing amateur T. It can make working on you even harder.

My partner owns it now, and we can talk openly about it, but its becoming more of an excuse (legitimizes neediness) rather than motivation to fix it. That is even more frustrating