Long, but I needed to think out loud

[Notthesame64]

So today I'm home sick... and my brain is going a hundred miles a minute.  I usually occupy my time with work, weekly events, with church and weekend outings.  I try to surround myself with positive things to evade the fog that seems to keep following me. But, now I'm home and the anguish and the memories has a silent brain to think... and it's coming no holds barred!

The only thing I think I can do right now is to write down my thoughts... . I have been reading on here for awhile and see so many people with some great unbiased suggestions, experiences... all in which are individualized, but uncannily similar and familiar.   So why not write it out here... . maybe someone can direct some light... .

I have read several books... codependent no more, I hate you I love you don't leave me, passive/aggressive and so many more books and articles, not to mention therapy from CSW's to a psychologist that's specializes in childhood trauma... so this is what's left... my thoughts and silence on a sick day.

one of the hardest hurtles that I just can seem to jump over after all these years that's been said, done, done to me, said to him, things I forgave, things i asked for forgiveness, trusted and had compassion for, understanding and trying to support him with his Disease, telling him that everything I believed in was us.  I know that may sound overboard, but that's how much I loved him!  ONE PROBLE:  He never saw me nor the love that stood along side of him!

Now I've read on here from others, in articles and books the traits of these disorder, not to mention I'm in the mental health field myself... . I am we'll aware of the effects of a psychiatric disorder, not to mention his life with MS.   Both can cause great deals of side effects... however, what I can't wrap my brain  around is why is it so hard for me to see, accept, or come to terms with the fact that he was sick, still is, but I can't admit it!   

I keep playing those signs over and over in my head... that's why I posted that video on here... there are so many!  The names he use to call himself, the people that cut him out of their life's, calling his mother and father by their first names, the moodiness, the negativity of the world, the people around him, different races.   The lack of deep connecting communication, the defense he would show with any small type of criticism or disagreement,  the addiction with pot, the suicide threats.   The lies, in depth lies... about me, against me, to me.  Right down to a lie about his fathers death just to bait and trap me. Even my (at the time) 12year telling me "mom he doest treat you very good"... . But one of the biggest signs I chose to ignore was when I actual saw him take one of his parrots wings in his mouth and bite it because the bird bit him first     Those are only a tip of the signs I saw that should of had me stopping in my tracks any point of time in our  R/S.  but yet I still say to myself... I can't believe he has a personality disorder.   My brain says it's true from all the knowledge I have on it, but my heart wants to say, no it's something you did... or didn't do.  Maybe all what  he is spouting off to everyone is how I am this horrible witch that screwed up his life (cause I hear the way he talks about me, he always had).   However something in my heart say no!  I loved him, I expressed so much with him... I made my mistakes yes and owned them, something that seemed almost  tried everything I could to communicate with him, to show him I was on his side, not against him like he believes about everyone... accept a few elite.  I cried to him and got so little in return... but yet he sees his crumbs as mountains.  He could ignore me, isolate me, cut intimacy for months, forget birthdays, special occasions of any kind, but wont admit to doing none of that... what he remembers is a whole other reality... and it just cuts me to the bone! So this is what I am trying to validate in my head...   I feel tricked... I feel confused as hell!   I spent almost 6years of my time  struggling to support, love, communicate, have a life with this man and even married him and this is all I got?  Denial from him? Not an apology for lying about his father, or the things he's lied to others about?  Not a blink towards how much pain he's inflicted on me? No just the opposite... he blames me for his own actions on me.  Crazy!

Ok thank you for letting me vent... I may never find the answers or the closer I'm looking for, but at least for now, my thoughts are clear and I can move on with my day.

[willtimeheal]

I think the hardest part about accepting that it is an illness is that we can't see it. For example if it was cancer, a stroke, or a broken leg you could see the effects of those on the person. There is no physical sign of suffering or pain on their part. This is why I have such a hard time wrapping my brain around it. Since I can't see their suffering with my own eyes (it's internal not external) I must be causing it. They function like typical normal people around everyone else. My ex BPD is incredible at her job and comes across as a kind compassionate human being in front of others. It would blow people away if they knew when she gets home she hits the bottle and doesn't stop till she passes out. If they knew the verbal and emotional abuse she put me through. It is important for us to remember we are not the cause of their pain. We did not cause it and we are not their punching bags. I love my ex and did everything i could to make her happy. To the point where I sacrificed my own happiness and well being for her and it still wasn't enough. Their lives were screwed up long before we ever came along.

[Notthesame64]

Their lives were screwed up long before we ever came along.

yes willtimeheal,  that is a true statement and I really liked your analogy about it... we can't see it! We only can feel it, or feel that it wasn't  healthy, normal or right...

[Learning_curve74]

Notthesame64, a big hug for you. 

Sometimes it's great to vent! Better to let it out than to hold it in and let it eat you away from the inside, right?

You can NEVER make a blind person see. A blind person has to adapt to their disability to live the best life they can. You can't be there 24/7 to "help" them. Just as a blind person should come to the realization that trying to drive a car to the the store will only get themselves and/or others hurt, a BPD should understand the dysfunctional behaviors they engage in hurt others and/or themselves. They can choose to do something about it through therapy but apparently many do not.

As much as we loved them, it's futile to sit around wondering why can't they "see". We need to keep working on ourselves, not ruminating about the past and exes, because there is a reason we got deeply involved in relationships with pwBPD.

[willtimeheal]

The hardest part is not blaming myself for what happened and realizing I did everything I could. But it is painful and you question yourself because they don't seem to be struggling on the outside. That is what hurt  me the most and causes me so much pain. I see her and she looks so happy with her new man and life. Like the time she spent with me didn't matter... . That she never even cared or loved me at all about me. That is the piece I struggle with. How can I be so easily forgotten?  It rips at your self esteem and into your core.

[Notthesame64]

Learning_curve, that too is a good way to put it... . why can't we get them to see? To perceive the pain and hut for what it was?  He was blind, I could and did... sit in front of him and poured out my heart to him in tears... proclaiming how much I loved him, why I loved him and how much we over came together... . but it wasn't until he looked right at me and said... without hesitation... "I know you love me, but who is going to want me and love me with a disease?).  So as you can imagine my heart sank... I will never forget that moment... that's when I realized, he wanted love but he couldn't recognize it... even when it was sitting right in front of him... . blind

The more I read about mental disorders, the more I can connect the dots from his actions and words, the more I feel sorry for him... I couldn't imagine that type of internal turmoil everyday. And never truly being able to feel healthy love or obtain it.

[Notthesame64]

But willtimeheal?  Is it happiness or a record player playing the same outcomes over and over in their lives?  Only time will tell.  My therapist once told me... . unhealthy mates only attract other unhealthy mates...

That brings me comfort to know... I was unhealthy when he attracted me... but I am no more, thus I seek healthy now and can distinguish the difference... . and what he will attract is someone unhealthy like himself, because he says the same... thus the record player over and over again... just as it started with me.

[Notthesame64]

Stays the same... . sorry not says

[obtunded]

I often wondered similar things about my wife. WHY wouldn't she acknowledge the things she does and accept responsibility for her actions? I have to keep reminding myself, she doesn't feel she did ANYTHING wrong... . EVERYTHING was a reaction to what I MADE her do. That is her "reality." Other people FORCE her to act the way she does... no need for empathy, accountability, remorse, or any feelings at all when you've done nothing wrong... . you can justify anything when you start with the premise of someone else forcing you act a certain way.

[willtimeheal]

Obtunded

Interesting... . I like how you said she didn't feel she did anything wrong... . she reacted to everything you made her do.  So many people tell me my ex reacted but hearing you put it this way struck a chord for me. My ex BPD never did anything wrong. It was always someone else who caused the problem or her pain. On a rare occasion she would apologize to me for something but it was a quick I made a mistake and then it was quickly dropped and never to be mentioned again. Your words just really hit home an  made me think about my relationship with my ex and how it was always someone else's or my fault for the things gone wrong.

What used to bother m  the most is she would complain about how others... . Her family would hurt her and use her but she would always go back for more punishment. She would say. They are dysfunctional but good people. She was so afraid of abandonment that she knew they were toxic but couldn't cut the chord... . and honestly if you looked at who she hung out with it was  them... . She had no friends.

[Notthesame64]

I use to say I was only reacting to his moods, his negativity, his isolation... his his his... . but what about my accountability?   I don't know if I can actually believe i didn't hurt him in some way... I know I did.  I really do believe he tried the best he knew how to show me he felt love.  But, I think his issues that he carried around with him prevented him to be able to see things in a healthy matter.  He carries the past with him like it happened yesterday.  Unable to move forward with personal growth.  All he knew how to do was complain, accuse, blame, guilt trips, gaslight, isolate, beat himself up and so many of the other traits of BPD.

To me arguments or disagreements arose because he couldn't express anger or disappointment in a healthy way... it always was an attack on him no matter how small or trivial the subject. Everything challenged his man hood, his pride his idea of what a relationship should be like... I know he carries a lot of shame and guilt... and it became apparent when his underbelly finally became exposed at times.   It is a sad disorder and it breaks my heart that I couldn't love past that... his excuse was that I never will understand him, that we spoke a different love language, that he is no good to anyone, that i need a real man... he feels trapped in the past... but then on the flip side of feel sorry for me act, act 2 I also hear how I will never see how much he gave up for me, that I pissed all over his life, i used him (for what i don't know) I never understood him and  that isn't something he wants in his woman... . meaning, what he did to sabotage the r/s is not accounted for but everything I did wrong is and always will be his escape goat.

[obtunded]

To me arguments or disagreements arose because he couldn't express anger or disappointment in a healthy way... it always was an attack on him no matter how small or trivial the subject.

I also hear how I will never see how much he gave up for me, that I pissed all over his life, i used him (for what i don't know) I never understood him and  that isn't something he wants in his woman... . meaning, what he did to sabotage the r/s is not accounted for but everything I did wrong is and always will be his escape goat.

It's eerie how similar they all act, but with such a narrow range of responses, why would they not all seem the same? I liken it to how all children at around the age of three act the same... . and so do borderlines, because they never made it past that age of emotional response. They just learn a few "adult" methods to their madness. Luckily, they are similar so I don't think I'll have any problem spotting the next one because I seem to attract them (this is my second marriage to someone with BPD). I joke to my friends that if I walk into a room and there's a crazy woman there... . she'll be my next wife.

I've probably said, ":)on't take things so personal!" a million times to my wife. EVERYTHING was a personal attack, even it it was simply a request to do things differently... . so much drama over NOTHING! Along with the perceived personal attacks are the statements of sacrifice, devotion, selflessness... . and yet she still couldn't pick up after herself or do laundry... . our house was such a dump I never, in four years, invited any of my friends over... . it was disgusting... . like something you'd see a teenager do to their room, but it was the whole house! Yet, she was the one who was so "giving" and all I did was take... meanwhile, she had to go "take" a nap... . always tired... . probably because it's exhausting fighting with you own mind all day... .

My best memories with her were when we were sitting quietly watching TV and she wasn't complaining about every ache and pain, the latest fight with her mom, the stress of taking care of the kids, the "empty" feelings she has, or any of the million other "issues" she has... . she really hated it when I started to refer to all of her "issues"... . I think she knew what I was getting at

[Notthesame64]

.she really hated it when I started to refer to all of her "issues".

Yea don't tell them they have issues! Crazy becomes very active... very fast.  Mine was good at staring at me with the deer in headlights look... it creeped me out.  In his silence I would be thinking what is he actually processing... . the fact that I am trying to resolve something in a communicative way or the fact that everything I am saying to him is being processed as a personal attack on his character?  I really watched how I addressed things... using I feel, maybe we could, how do you feel about it... but his responses were... you did this, you always this, you never... . I use to say to him... lets try to talk without accusations.  Yea but you... or you can't... back to throwing it in my lap... . blahhhhhhh