Want to call him in the worst way

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Having an especially rough day today.  It hurts so much.  I miss him so much and I'm still so confused about what happened.  I know I shouldn't contact him.  I only feel worse when I do.  I know I'm not going to get anything I need from him.  And every time I do talk to him I only end up more confused.  I do feel like an addict.  I can only go so long without talking to him and then I totally break down and make contact.  I don't want to be that pathetic clingy woman.  Help!

[Emelie Emelie]

Having an especially rough day today.  It hurts so much.  I miss him so much and I'm still so confused about what happened.  I know I shouldn't contact him.  I only feel worse when I do.  I know I'm not going to get anything I need from him.  And every time I do talk to him I only end up more confused.  I do feel like an addict.  I can only go so long without talking to him and then I totally break down and make contact.  I don't want to be that pathetic clingy woman.  Help!

[seeking balance]

Well... . we all eventually have our last contact... . and with that comes a healing strength and self worth starts to blossom.  Getting through to that side has many different paths and is rarely without struggle.

Try this... . it is what I did.  When I felt desperate, I told myself if I still want to contact in 7 days, I would and without guilt. 

What would you say to him anyways?

[Perfidy]

Yes it's pointless to make contact. Part of the reason I went n/c. There has been no meaningful communication from it and it just makes me worse. Makes me really wonder exactly she was. She seems like a complete stranger now. Like someone I never ever knew and never will. So strange. I have never seen anything like this or even imagined it. It was all a facade? Can anyone explain this phenomena?

[Notthesame64]

I don't know Perfidy, but it seems we are all experiencing the same sadness and freedom at the same time.  It amazes me everyday the similarities that we share and battle.  But I am stronger for it... . and wiser to say the least.  It's almost a relief it's over.

Hang in there Emile... don't contact him... I know how those conversations go... and they don't end up with you feeling better.  Stay strong!

[simplyasiam]

i know how your feeling emelie. plz try and hold off calling him. ive put myself in hell all this summer trying to understand this illmess and leting her stay in contact with me. i did it in part hoping she would come back and get help... . not going to happen till she wants help. i also ketp contact in part to she how she ended up. i had the fear most have when the SO walks out.( they are about to have this wonderful life with out me) it dont happen even if they seem better and happy they are not. ive seen her high end and her fake life go to hell now she begs to come back or for me to come to her. she living to say life now she was before.

what im saying is dont chace him will only make him stronger and crush you

[Octoberfest]

Think about how rewarding it would be to make it to seven days.

You sound like you know that moving on and detaching is what you need to do.  So make not having contact for 7 days your goal.  I know that I struggled with NC for awhile.  I would keep contacting her, but each time I lasted longer and longer before breaking down. Each time I had it reinforced that contacting her would bring me nothing but grief.  Truthfully, I think I needed to struggle as much as I did with NC.  I just looked and it has been 27 days since I last contacted my BPDex, and I have had ZERO impulse to do so since I started, because I finally got fed up and angry with her.  Angry because she went out of her way in the conversation that we had to hurt me, and she knew what she was doing.  So I blocked her number and email and skype and everything, not just to keep me from contacting her, but to KEEP HER from contacting ME.  I don't want to hear from her again.

You CAN get there.  It just takes time.  It will happen when you are ready for it to happen.

[aurora.dragon]

you have to find your own wisdom

when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leavling... . you'll know it past due you left.

My exBPDbf got more abusive every recycle... . he was nice in the beginning but after several weeks he got more critical and rejecting and be more distancing... . and then he would do something hurtful or insensitive which crossed my boundaries.  I would get mad and/or hurt... . he would get mad that I was mad and split me.  I failed the test.

we recycled 4 times in 2 years - last time two weeks ago.

I miss him like crazy, but I am used to his ways.  I know what to expect - there are no surprises.  I just keep living my life the best I can - keeping busy and meeting new people.  I do not wallow.  I think of him a lot though.

I won't contact him. 

He will contact me although he said he wanted no contact from me again, he says that every time, and he feels it would be impossible for us to maintain a friendship... . I always told him I would NEVER be his friend.

But things have gone too far now as before I had thought he was a fine and moral person.  Now, his behaviour has deteriorated so badly, perhaps in his effort to test me, that I don't think I want to be with him anymore... . too dangerous.  He wasn't into sex before as he was so dysfunctional... . I helped him with that and now I think I created a womanizing monster... . gross!

Watch out ladies... . he is seductive and smooth and sweet ... . but underneath he is the devil.  BPD, NPD and sociopath in equal portions would be my best guess.  Nothing like it... .

But I don't want my health compromised... . he poisoned my mind, but if he is with other women and my critical thinking skills would say 70% yes, I can't take any chances.

Good luck to both of us.   I miss my guy too... . but it is what it is.

Keep posting.  The validation that your not crazy and the support shine like a beacon through this fog.

Its tricky as you can vow not to contact them, but they will contact you... . and that has always been my undoing.

[simplyasiam]

dont call its gets better you will just get hurt

[peas]

Yes it's hard. These are the most vulnerable days, that chunk of time immediately following the breakup.

Like you, I likened my feelings about the breakup with my uBPDexbf to being addicted to drugs. I imagined this is how it must feel to withdraw from heroin. I felt like a junkie. I'm not kidding. I really felt like a strung-out addict.

Just today I thought about contacting one of his friends to ask about him. And yes, I still have some anticipation that my ex will recycle me and reach out.

But I have kept to NC for the past month by thinking about how my ex would respond. I imagined him heaping more abuse and raging at me to move on (as he did in his final texts to me -- he refused to answer my phone calls), or that he would inform me that he is in love with someone else and to leave him alone, or that he simply would not respond at all. Those are all likely scenarios that I refuse to put myself through.

At the end of the day, looking at the big picture, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I'm thinking of him. I want him to believe I couldn't give two ___s about him.

I've found what helps with NC is going to bed early. I have been sleeping a lot because it makes the days pass more quickly. Also, I've had a series of family visitors to my house since the breakup and that helped distract me.

I am challenging myself to go NC for at least a year. I did this after a past breakup (which was just as excruciating as with the BPD person) and it worked well. However the breakup with the non-BPD guy had some closure because we were able to discuss and acknowledge why things had to end. My uBPDex did what 99% of all BPDs do: just abruptly and cruelly dumped me on his terms and his timeline. 

I find that reading posts on this forum for hours helps a lot too with NC. After reading so many unhappy yet familiar stories, I just have to walk away from anything related to BPD, and that reinforces my firm NC policy with the ex. But I think the biggest motivator is I don't want to look and feel like a chump for wanting someone who damn near destroyed me.

[sadinnc98]

I am in the same boat as you... I want to text him VERY bad... . BUT, I know that most likely, he will not respond, and that if he did, I would not get the response I am looking for and I would be hurting even more than I already am... and I hurt badly today.

I keep clinging to the hope that he will contact and recycle me again... and why on Earth I would want him to do that after all he has done, I just don't get what is wrong with me. I keep forcing myself to relive the emotions I feel when he is mean, cold, distant, etc... and that does help but I still miss him so much, I want to see his name on my phone.

Try not to do it-like I mentioned above, you probably won't get the response you want and it will set you back. Stay strong!

[Learning_curve74]

I've been choosing to call or text friends any time I'm tempted to contact my ex. I also spend time here reading the boards instead. People have been asking me about my ex and every time that I tell somebody that I dumped her I feel more and more detached. I still think of her and feel a deep sadness wash over me at least once a day, but I try to keep busy so each time it passes quicker now.

I know her problems weren't because of me. I hope she finds peace and happiness with somebody else even though I wish deep down inside that it could've been with me. I knew about her BPD relatively early in our relationship, so I know that I gave it the best shot that I could. It's heartbreaking to fail, but there isn't anything left for me to do but go my own way apart from her.

[peas]

I keep forcing myself to relive the emotions I feel when he is mean, cold, distant, etc.

That's vital for keeping NC. There are about three specific incidents with my ex-uBPDbf that shocked and hurt me badly. When I'm feeling like I want to be back in touch with him, or jealous of the next woman in his life, I think of some really low behavior by my ex. My sorrow turns to disgust.

I also run particular verbal abuse episodes in my head and I see this man hurting an innocent person. I think about my positive intentions and commitment to being a good girlfriend -- exhausting all my resources -- and he had no respect for that. That is helping me detach.

[Perfidy]

My ex is weird. We don't contact each other. I could call her right now and we could talk. It would be like talking to a stranger. We mostly just leave each other alone. When she told me she had begun a new relationship(with out bothering to tell me that we were not a couple any longer) I told her I don't want to be friends or enemies. All I want to do is forget. She called my cellphone nonstop. Crying saying she didn't want to lose me for a friend. This was misinterpreted by me. I thought she still had feelings for me. She in fact is in love with her new guy. Now... She ain't a real prize. She is a scrawny little wretch. Anyways... her behavior was so messed up and her haywire way of thinking is impossible to rationalize. It is pointless to contact her. No communication happens. We had lived together for seven years plus and she behaved as though it were a casual acquaintance. Blew me away. She mentioned something about even if she wasn't with her new guy she wouldn't be dating me anyway. Dating? We passed the dating stage years ago. Listening to her talk to me about us she sounded delusional. Very peculiar that one.

[Perfidy]

Oh yeah... I felt like a worn out shoe. Put out with the trash.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all so much.  I think you got me past the crisis point tonight

Seeking Balance you asked what I would say?  The text I was on the verge of sending was "I mss you".  What I would have liked to hear back?  "I miss you too."  That would have been enough.  And Octoberfest... . you are right.  Seven days will feel good.  And then I'll work on eight.  I always regret initiating contact.  I set myself up to feel more abandoned and rejected.  

What's odd about this is it's been six weeks and it's like with each passing day the grief seems to intensify instead of lessen.  Has anyone else experienced that?  I suppose part of it is the longer it goes on the more "final" the break up feels.  I know it needs to be final.  But it still really hurts that he seems able to walk away so easily.  I know he's having a hard time too.  But it appears like what he's struggling with most is being alone.  Not missing me specifically.  Which also hurts because it feels like he'd rather be this miserable than be with me.  

[LoneWolf768]

Emilie, PLEASE refrain from contacting him. It's so hard to not want to, I understand, but do whatever you can to avoid doing it. It'll keep you stuck on square one forever if you contact him or respond to his attempts at contact. It'll get easier.

[seeking balance]

I think it was Turtle who pointed to this... .

Isn't it interesting how we want to reach out to the person who is the cause of our pain to somehow alleviate our pain?

Texting "I miss you" is setting yourself up to hurt deeper.  Rarely is there anything our BPDex can say to take away the missing.

Good job sitting in it and not reaching out, it is in pushing through that we learn how strong and capable we are.  You are stronger than you realize.

[danley]

. We had lived together for seven years plus and she behaved as though it were a casual acquaintance. Blew me away. She mentioned something about even if she wasn't with her new guy she wouldn't be dating me anyway. Dating? We passed the dating stage years ago. Listening to her talk to me about us she sounded delusional. Very peculiar that one.

Peculiar indeed. My ex and I were together for 3 years but I knew him a year before that. It's very confusing when he talks to me now about things from our relationship or my personal interests. There have been times post breakup that he's said things as tho he was never in a relationship with me... . example, knowing that I dont like onions. It's something that he knew throughout the relationship and would order burgers for me without onions. He'd do this all the time for me without me asking or reminding him. But post breakup he's twice asked me if I wanted onions. Just strange.

Another thing he does a lot now is tell me the same story an hour apart and he'll tell it to me the second time as tho it was first. Then the next day it will be the same story and the same thing will happen all over... . the same story from the day before. Of course the story was a traumatic incident that happened to him. Traumatic meaning he felt he was wronged by someone. Although he really wasn't in my eyes.  Is MEMORY LOSS a symptom of BPD?

My ex has also used to use the word relationship when he talked about us while we were together during the three years. But post breakup I suddenly became someone he was just dating... . his new definition.  As tho I was just a casual thing in his mind now. I know you guys might think dating and relationship is the same. Po tay toe... . Po tah toe. Obviously my ex doesn't think it's the same. He had said before that this new interest and I were in the same boat and that he couldn't be in a relationship with either of us... . but he said he was dating her.

Sometimes it feels like he's speaking a foreign language. Everything he says is just so confusing. I need a BPD translator app.

[emotionaholic]

Emilie

Yes I have experienced the grief increasing with time passing.  That said it took just over a month of NC and a trip to the T where I broke down the instant I walked into the office before the grief, anger, resentment, love, and missing her subsided.  I had to stick to the NC which I did not want to and now that it has been a month and a half I finally feel better.  I was a mess for that first month and it only got worse with time.  The day I walked into the T office and cried and cried was the turning point for me.  I wanted to call her so badly to hear her voice the desire to think things were OK that she missed me and loved me.  In that visit I think I finally listened to the T, myself, and what I had been reading here.  As I was expressing to the T that I did not want the exgf to think I had abandoned her, the T actually got mad at me telling me "She abandoned you!"  I think that did it.  That night I went home went on a 5 mile power walk, been years since I did that, called all my friends and made plans for each night of the next week, put all the books about BPD away, and then went for another walk.  It worked.  I even managed to ask a woman out for a date.  I still miss her every day but I have been able to put the illness into reality and not take on her issues as my fault.  I know she is miserable right now also and hurting badly but there is nothing I can do about it and trying to help or stay in contact will only drag this out longer. 

Thank god for NC I did not want to do it and struggle everyday with it but it needs to happen to get out of the FOG.  It will get worse before it gets better.  Ask yourself when you want to contact him how many times do you want to go through this because you know that if you stay in contact it will happen again and again. 

Stay strong Emilie.  You may not feel it right now but you are doing it.  It does get better.  The grieving process takes time let it run its course.

[patientandclear]

What's odd about this is it's been six weeks and it's like with each passing day the grief seems to intensify instead of lessen.  Has anyone else experienced that?  I suppose part of it is the longer it goes on the more "final" the break up feels.  I know it needs to be final.  But it still really hurts that he seems able to walk away so easily.  I know he's having a hard time too.  But it appears like what he's struggling with most is being alone.  Not missing me specifically.  Which also hurts because it feels like he'd rather be this miserable than be with me.  

Yes, Emelie, that was the pattern for me, too.  In all honesty it took, has taken, a very long time for me to imperceptibly feel better, and in my case, a piece of it has been to wash away my fantasy concept of the r/s by re-initiating contact after a long period of NC, and allowing the real him & the strange dynamics of our real r/s to slowing replace my old blissful memories.  This current weird thing between us is as or more real than the initial period together ever was.

It's a traumatic loss.  It takes a long time.  It is serious & it messes with core ideas of who we are and what can happen to us.

[Emelie Emelie]

I guess what I really want is for him to call me. For him to say "I miss you".  Sad but honest. I'm really scared. I feel like I've come completely unhinged. Therapy, anxiety medication... . the whole works and I can't get a grip. I keep telling myself you need to buck up and get it together. I got a big promotion two weeks after the break up (top job in my market). Something I've worked long and hard for. And not only was I too messed up to take any joy in it... . I'm really afraid I'm screwing it up. One of my employees told me today "We want the old Emelie back. We need you back.". I was a crying at the office a couple of times and I'm sure they're all talking about it. I tell myself there are much worse things that can happen to you. This was a toxic relationship and you DO NOT want to screw up your life over this. This just isn't me. Scares me.

But as of today it has been a full week since I've contacted him. I guess that's progress.

[seeking balance]

But as of today it has been a full week since I've contacted him. I guess that's progress.

That is progress!  Don't sell yourself short - celebrate the little things, because they do add up to the big things.

AND - Congrats on the promotion... . you will be back on your game - I have no doubt.