Too Sad...

[crazedncrazymom]

DD16 has been home from rtf since Friday.  I'm amazed at how different things are with us.  Instead of working so hard to get her to go along with rules and expectations, I work double-time trying to figure out the emotions behind her refusal to go along with the rules and expectations.  I've been really surprised.  All the reading and trying to figure things out is really paying off.  I asked her to unpack/clean/organize her room.  After a couple of hours she came downstairs and had not done one thing.  I gave her lunch and sent her back upstairs.  After a couple of hours she came back down and had not done one thing.  Normally I would have been frustrated and angry because she hadn't done what I asked of her.  This time we sat down and I asked if she wanted her room clean.  SHe said yes but it was overwhelming because there was a lot to do.  The next day, we broke it into chunks so she considered each part doable and by the end of the day she had a clean room.  WOOT and a great big thank you to all of you ladies and the authors of the books I've read.  We spend much more time talking about our feelings. It's really hard being honest with each other about how we feel about things.  I worry so much but she seems to understand and gives me what I need to not worry.

Anyway, yesterday we were at a meeting with the school to interview for the school based partial hospitalization program.  They asked a lot of questions and one of the questions was "If you could go back to a point in your life when you were happy when would that be?" She said she can't remember ever being happy.  I've heard her say that before and each time is like a stab in the heart.  I know she's been through a lot.  Some brought on by her actions and some brought on by the behaviors of her father whom I and a few of the professionals we've been seeing at rtf suspect is a uBPD.  But I've tried so hard to give her happy times and happy days.  She just doesn't seem to remember or appreciate any of them.

For the most part she's doing well and is happy to be home.  I know I'm very happy to have her home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, crazedncrazymom! I'm so happy to see all the progress that has been made by you and your daughter! Instead of working so hard to get her to go along with rules and expectations, I work double-time trying to figure out the emotions behind her refusal to go along with the rules and expectations. That's it in a nutshell: what everything you've learned here boils down to! You done good  You handled the room thing perfectly; what could've turned into a rage or argument or even fight became a SET session with your daughter with her feeling validated, and the room ended up clean in the end! The two of you became a team here, and that is good validating for both of you... . I worry so much but she seems to understand and gives me what I need to not worry. What a wonderful outcome!

"If you could go back to a point in your life when you were happy when would that be?" She said she can't remember ever being happy.  I've heard her say that before and each time is like a stab in the heart. Oh, crazedncrazymom  Please don't take that sentiment personally; she is not criticizing you here, she is just expressing how she feels. I've heard this before from my own dBPDs36, and at first I thought I was to blame, but he assures me that it is inside him, not because of me. When she is older she will be able to express that to you--or maybe sooner! When I learned how to step out of my own emotions about me, and realized that my son's emotions are always just about him, it made things so much easier for me... . I can understand him and empathize him without getting tangled into the FOG of taking it all personally. It really does help so much to do that... .

For the most part she's doing well and is happy to be home.  I know I'm very happy to have her home. And that is the most important thing! I'm so happy for you both; keep doing what you are doing, keep reading here to learn how to progress, and keep posting here for support. You are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and it can continue!

One thing I want to mention (from my own experience with my son's recovery process): Remember to be thankful for the TLCs: Tiny Little Changes. Keep your mind open to see every little thing that is a huge baby step for your daughter in this process. Times when she in the past would bristle, but now is dealing well with the stressor. Times when she would've argued with you, but now catches herself and reacts differently. Days when she gets herself up earlier than usual and has a cheerful day. Just be thankful for every step forward, however small or insignificant in the "normal" world. And try to validate her constantly; you never know what off-hand little comment might make her feel invalidated; that's the hardest thing. But, with mindfulness on your part you will eventually catch those things and refrain from saying them in the future. We love our kids, and want them to always feel good about themselves.

You are really in a good place, and the world is your oyster! You are doing so well... . Kudos!

[js friend]

Hi crazedncrazymom,



Try not to take the statement that your dd cant remember a time when she was happy personally CC. My dd has said this quite a few times in the past. She even said the same to t in family t and t was astounded by dd''s answer. She even pushed dd for an answer, but dd stuck to her guns.

.Even now she rarely talks about anything she has enjoyed in the past. I remember feeling as you did at the time. I found it hard to believe that dd really couldnt remember any good times we had had together but i understand her answer so much better now.

From what I have when a pwbpb says that they have no happy memories it is is often because they are feeling  miserable at that precise moment of being asked then they genuinely cant relate to ever "feeling" in a happier time.

Reminding yourself that with pwBPD's that it feelings are facts to them and what your dd has said will make perfect sense.

I wouldnt worry too much about it.

Overall it sounds like the communication and trust between you is growing. Your dd trusts you enough to tell you that she is feeling overwhelmed and that is a great start and I think you handled it perfectly. I have been faced with the same situations in the past that i didnt hadle so well... . Dd not cleaning her room, not doing housework, not doing her homework etc ... . that I now recognise  dd may have felt overwhelmed.

Hindesight is 20/20 and it  is all learning experience,and iam glad that yours is paying off with such good results.

... . and I wish you and your dd the very best  

[heronbird]

Hi Craze  

Thats such a good story, you will find things get better as you learn more. So good.

But I wanted to say, when it comes to her never remembering good times, thats not a true account, and it is definitely not a reflection on you and your family life. Dont think that

When I first read that it made me sad because I felt for her, how sad a life is that for her, its not about you, all our BPD kids had different life experiences, yet they would all say the same, they never remember being happy.

If you see my photo albums, we had a lovely family life, and my other three kids who are adults now will tell you that too.

Funny thing is, dd says what a traumatic childhood she had, truth is, we are all traumatised haha. Sad thing is to know, she will never ever realise that, she will never realise how much I have done for her  

I wouldnt have it any other way, I love her a lot and totally committed to her, just like everyone on this board is.

Im so glad you found a lot of help here

[vivekananda]

hey hey crazedncrazy 

good to hear your good news!   Good to know the stuff works   Ditto on what the others have said   all sound words of wisdom.

Now I want to put something to you a little differently to how our kind mums have said:

... . She said she can't remember ever being happy.  I've heard her say that before and each time is like a stab in the heart... .  

That is so sad and hurtful and doesn't necessarily reflect our memories at all, does it? You are not alone with this.

What I want to say is I believe it is helpful to recognise that yes, we feel sad (when it happens) but that is an expression for an emotional need in us. Maybe it is our need to be loved and appreciated for what we have done. Thing is, when we feel sad like that, we are allowing another person have responsibility for how we feel. Really, we are better off if we accept that we are responsible for meeting our own emotional needs.

When something like that happens with me now, I try my mindfulness practice. I identify my emotion and the need behind it. Then I tell myself what I need to hear to meet my emotional need. eg in that sort of situation above: I am sad because dd doesn't see all the good times we had and doesn't appreciate the life I created for her childhood and all the work I did. My need is to be appreciated, to be loved. My reassurance: I know I have thoroughly investigated my actions and behaviours throughout my dd's life and I know that I did a good job (or as good as I could do or whatever). Furthermore, I am still here, trying to do the right thing by my dd. That is how she sees her life and that is sad. That is not my memory. Action: I can empathise with her, but this is not my experience. I need to let go of this, it is not about me... . I need to let go of my ego.

I hope this makes some sense for you... .


Vivek    

ps my favourite video of the moment - it goes for about 50 mins, a pen and paper helps to take notes - it is really good:

Video: Validation -- encouraging peace in a "BPD family".

[crazedncrazymom]

Hey everyone!   

Sorry it's taken so long to get back to this post.  Boy does she (and everyone else in the family) keep me hopping all the time.  I've been off work and ALL ALONE! for 3 whole hours now.  You know, and I can't admit this to anyone in my life, not even my family... . I have been so stressed for the past couple of months waiting for dd16 to come home.  I plum forgot to pay all my bills.  Well let me tell you all the people I owe remember that I didn't pay my bills.  Over the past two weeks, I have had every utility shut off.  Only for a few minutes.  Long enough for me to wonder why my tv, or internet or phone or electricity went off and call them and get them paid.  Well, everyone is paid up... at least I think... . if not I'm sure something else will be turned off to remind me.  I'm not quite sure whether to scream and bang my head or laugh and shake my head.  For now I'm going with the latter cuz it sounds less painful.  Anyway fortunately it all happened when dh was at work because I can't even imagine the look he would have given me after the 3rd or 4th utility was turned off. 

Thank you for your kind words and wisdom.  I can see so many of the same emotions and behaviors showing up that were there before rtf.  The huge difference is that we (for the most part) don't get sucked up in it.   DD is in a partial school based hospitalization.  It is held in a classroom at the school.  She is so unhappy to be so close yet so far away from normal school kids and schedules.  I really feel for her.  I don't think I"d like it but everyone agrees that at least for now we want to make sure she has plenty of support.  Things still for the most part are going well.  She has her struggles but then gets over it.

[jellibeans]

crazed

forgive me for being away from the board and not seeing your post... . I had been wondering how your dd was doing and I know you have missed her so much. I am happy to read things are going well. My my dd came home from RTC she was a bit shell shocked and needed time to adjust. Lucky we had the summer to do that. I think it is pretty common for pwBPD to feel like they have never been happy. You might try to point out the next time you are doing something fun and she seems happy to ask if she really is enjoying herself... .

I hope you are getting the chance to catch your breath and pay those bills! ... . Try to take some time for yourself... . you have been through a lot.

I wanted to tell you my dd returned to public school and is doing good (so far) I hope your dd can return to school soon too... . where she has friends... . and things are normal if there is such a thing... . I think being in a mainstream school help to model good behavior etc... . my dd was in an out program and hated it so much... . having to deal with everyone elses problems when she was struggling with her own issues. Keep us posted... . I am so happy your dd is home and I know each day things will get better for everyone in your family... .  

[crazedncrazymom]

Hey jellibeans!

Glad to hear your dd is doing so well.  You sure deserve some peace.  Any idea what made the change for dd?  I've been thinking about you and your family.

My dd is doing better in school (I  think).  Unfortunately, yesterday I went into her room and said we needed to do something to her bed.  She asked me to leave the room so she can change.  Red flags went off everywhere for me.  I said she was dressed fine and that we needed to get it done so I could check it off my list.  Well, sure enough there was a knife on the side of her bed.  She admitted she used the knife to break open a razor and had 5 blades stashed.  She has not yet cut herself (that I know of) and only gave me 2 of the blades claiming she cant' find the other 3. 

[jellibeans]

crazed

I don't know what has made the difference with my dd... . I think summer had a lot to do with it... . no pressures... . no stress. Go to bed when you want get up when you feel like it.

Your post is troubling... . reminds me not to trust our daughters. sometimes everything seems okay but there always seems to be a storm brewing.

I think now we both know how to react to the storm... . be more sensitive and validate. Maybe that is what makes the difference I don't know. Try to keep things in perspective maybe helps... . seeing this is just one small snapshot of her life and she has so much more ahead of her. that I think is key... . it is hard to see a future for our girls but there is one and I have to beleive she is happy in that world.

hope you have a good weekend... . keep me posted... . I am not on here as much as a use to be but now that school is back in I am going to check in more. sending a hug your way... .