How do you set boundaries when there's an old history?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Boundaries    Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious - we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

but, if you've spent many years with your partner w/o certain boundaries, how do you set new boundaries that the pwBPD won't think are rejections or "being mean"?  It's always easier to "loosen things up."   It's much harder to set a boundary, a rule, that didn't exist before w/o the pwBPD thinking that he/she is being punished in some way.  

This reminds me of when a spouse is very giving/helpful early on in the relationship to the point of excess, but then realizing that the excess is unhealthy, because the pwBPD becomes more demanding, so the Non-spouse tries to bring things back to a healthy giving level, only to have the BPD spouse flip out because he/she views the "cutting back" as being mean or being unloving, etc.  

So, how do you set boundaries when there's an old history?

[Clearmind]

Its takes time, being consistent and understand that boundaries are to protect your needs not change them. For the relationship to be better boundaries are crucial. No boundaries = reinforcing bad behavior. If you haven't previously stated your limits - hubby may find it difficult to accept at first. All par for the course of making things better - nothing changes without change = Acceptance

Sadwife being assertive is OK and detach (with love) from the projections.

Can you give an example of a situation and what boundary you think would be appropriate and what feelings come up for you?

[an0ught]

Hi SadWiveofBPD,

but, if you've spent many years with your partner w/o certain boundaries, how do you set new boundaries that the pwBPD won't think are rejections or "being mean"?  It's always easier to "loosen things up."   It's much harder to set a boundary, a rule, that didn't exist before w/o the pwBPD thinking that he/she is being punished in some way. 

This reminds me of when a spouse is very giving/helpful early on in the relationship to the point of excess, but then realizing that the excess is unhealthy, because the pwBPD becomes more demanding, so the Non-spouse tries to bring things back to a healthy giving level, only to have the BPD spouse flip out because he/she views the "cutting back" as being mean or being unloving, etc. 

So, how do you set boundaries when there's an old history?

good question - how do we establish boundaries when we have enabled before without upsetting the pwBPD.

Let's break this down... .

1) we don't  start setting boundaries. We start with ONE. And then another. And then another. It is a process. Of course when we change all the rules all hell breaks loose. So we don't do this. Besides we need to learn. First boundaries will be hard on us as we may bungle, deal with our own insecurities (which will be shining through) etc. etc.

2) so we have enabled before. And now we want to stop. That is a change. We change our behavior. We have to admit to ourselves and maybe others that we were wrong in the past. We may have tolerated tantrums while driving and now we stop at the curb. We may be questioned about the change, we may feel insecure, we may be tempted to justify ourselves and we may be afraid to stand by our decision. Not easy for us.

We may regret the past. We need to let go. On the other hand often pwBPD live in the now and that can work to our advantage. The past may well be less important to them - once the change happened and a new stable normal has been established.

3) we introduce a change and we don't want to upset our partner. Well, most changes are upsetting even to a fairly balanced person. Avoiding upsetting, rocking the boat or walking on eggshells is the hallmark of enabling. It is unlikely that we can avoid upsetting. We can manage fallout (boundaries, time-outs and validation). If we are extremely lucky we can influence timing and place - but realistically we have to acknowledge that boundaries are about out of control behavior of some sort and expecting to have everything under control is unrealistic. Even more importantly boundaries are about accepting that we don't have control over everything... .

Boundaries separate us and establishing them may sooner or later trigger abandonment which is a separate topic from digesting the change. Another reason not to rush with all boundaries at once.



Start with something you truly care about and gives you some relief. After the first extinction burst it will get easier.