Hi SadWiveofBPD,
but, if you've spent many years with your partner w/o certain boundaries, how do you set new boundaries that the pwBPD won't think are rejections or "being mean"? It's always easier to "loosen things up." It's much harder to set a boundary, a rule, that didn't exist before w/o the pwBPD thinking that he/she is being punished in some way.
This reminds me of when a spouse is very giving/helpful early on in the relationship to the point of excess, but then realizing that the excess is unhealthy, because the pwBPD becomes more demanding, so the Non-spouse tries to bring things back to a healthy giving level, only to have the BPD spouse flip out because he/she views the "cutting back" as being mean or being unloving, etc.
So, how do you set boundaries when there's an old history?
good question - how do we establish
boundaries when we have
enabled before without upsetting the pwBPD.
Let's break this down... .
1) we don't start setting boundarie
s. We start with ONE. And then another. And then another. It is a process. Of course when we change all the rules all hell breaks loose. So we don't do this. Besides we need to learn. First boundaries will be hard on us as we may bungle, deal with our own insecurities (which will be shining through) etc. etc.
2) so we have enabled before. And now we want to stop. That is a change. We change our behavior. We have to admit to ourselves and maybe others that we were wrong in the past. We may have tolerated tantrums while driving and now we stop at the curb. We may be questioned about the change, we may feel insecure, we may be tempted to justify ourselves and we may be afraid to stand by our decision. Not easy for us.
We may regret the past. We need to let go. On the other hand often pwBPD live in the now and that can work to our advantage. The past may well be less important to them - once the change happened and a new stable normal has been established.
3) we introduce a change and we don't want to upset our partner. Well, most changes are upsetting even to a fairly balanced person. Avoiding upsetting, rocking the boat or walking on eggshells is the hallmark of enabling. It is unlikely that we can avoid upsetting. We can manage fallout (boundaries, time-outs and validation). If we are extremely lucky we can influence timing and place - but realistically we have to acknowledge that boundaries are about out of control behavior of some sort and expecting to have everything under control is unrealistic. Even more importantly boundaries are about accepting that we don't have control over everything... .
Boundaries separate us and establishing them may sooner or later trigger abandonment which is a separate topic from digesting the change. Another reason not to rush with all boundaries at once.
Start with something you truly care about and gives you some relief. After the first extinction burst it will get easier.