just seen his new "relationship" is official on facebook and feel worse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Five months post break up thought I was getting there. Accepted that he isn't normal. Accepted he had a fling and decided to leave country and be with her. Ok with that. Now seeing it all official on facebook has set me back. I told myself to stop looking. Why am I so upset though? I shoukdnt be like this five months after a seven week relationship.

- the fact that this relationship has been gradual building with them in different countries and seems like a success?

_ the fact I was too risky and perhaps getting too emotionally close.

- travelling with me was too much for me to give up yet random girl gives up everything for after fling.

- feel rejected all over again even though I though I wad over it.

- is this a sign of his being erratic?

- I try and think if all his other exes couldnt keep hold of him and he was so amazing apparently something must be up.

- is it that you know it's not them you want anymore but that unhealthy feeling of idealisation?

Any comments would be welcome. Today is gonna be tough :-(

[Hollygoeslightly]

Five months post break up thought I was getting there. Accepted that he isn't normal. Accepted he had a fling and decided to leave country and be with her. Ok with that. Now seeing it all official on facebook has set me back. I told myself to stop looking. Why am I so upset though? I shoukdnt be like this five months after a seven week relationship.

- the fact that this relationship has been gradual building with them in different countries and seems like a success?

_ the fact I was too risky and perhaps getting too emotionally close.

- travelling with me was too much for me to give up yet random girl gives up everything for after fling.

- feel rejected all over again even though I though I wad over it.

- is this a sign of his being erratic?

- I try and think if all his other exes couldnt keep hold of him and he was so amazing apparently something must be up.

- is it that you know it's not them you want anymore but that unhealthy feeling of idealisation?

Any comments would be welcome. Today is gonna be tough :-(

[cska]

Dear Holly  . Give me a sec, I'll read your first post, and then I'll reply.

[really]

That is hard.  Many of us have been through that.  I still vividly rennet the day my replacement got posted on Facebook.

I had to shut all options for looking.   It was only in doing that that I could start to detach.   And it is still a battle

Yes the idealisation is very powerful as is the intermittent reinforcement.  It is what kept us hooked

You are far from alone with those thoughts.   I hope you find a way to detach easier than I did / have

[cska]

Holly, I'm sorry you're going through this painful experience. I know, checking social networking sites brings a lot of pain. I just wrote a post yesterday about how I checked my ex's profile, and all night I was crippled by excruciating emotional pain...

From your post, it likely that your ex has an emotional void that he's desperately trying to fill, hence why he relocated to Prague to be with a girl he hardly knew. In his disordered thinking, this is a way for him to fill his void. But remember that his disordered thinking leads to disordered coping methods, so his behavior is irrational. You have a kind heart Holly, you were willing to do so much for him, but he discarded you for some fling. He doesn't deserve you! And judging from his erratic behavior, the chances of this new relationship working out are zero. He rushes into relationships because initially the feeling is so intense, and then he loses interest. And this new girl is no exception.

Be kind to yourself, try to watch a movie, read, exercise. Hang in there! 

[LoneWolf768]

Hi Holly. I know exactly how it feels to want to check out your ex's Facebook status and see who they're with. It's like a magnet drawing you to it. You know you don't want to see it, you know you shouldn't look but at the same time... . you want to and you're prepared for the hurt of a lifetime. This type of internal conflict can keep us obsessing for days, weeks, months. It's such a brutal form of mental and emotional self torture.

Really did what I did and that was just do whatever you have to do no not want to look. I blocked my ex so I could avoid doing such a thing. Not that I'd be able to see it anyway because we weren't on each others's friends lists. But that wouldn't stop me from maybe seeing a picture of her and a new guy together, which at this stage would still upset me. So I know exactly where you're coming from. Wanting to know and then ultimately finding out aren't always pleasant.

cska has a great point. Take comfort in knowing that the relationship he's in now is headed for disaster. BPD'ers want a quick fix. My ex did the same thing with me when I met her back in 2009 and she did with a man a year later (if you want to know more about me and my ex BPD'er, I set up 2 messages titled  'No Contact Mode and Future Contact By a Borderline'. NO ONE will miraculously fix them. They don't WANT fixed.

Please try keep your mind in the present. Easier said then done I realize but as each day passes, you'll begin to lose him a piece at a time. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Stay strong and know we're hear for you.  

[Hollygoeslightly]

Thank you so much guys for the supportive comments. I just felt that horrible panic and now it has eased. I'll write more later and rant no doubt. It's just that whole "what is she giving that he couldn't get from me? I was patient and understanding with regards to his uni work, would have supported him through any therapy if needed,  and gave him so much. Yet I was too much of a risk and look at this risk. I wish he'd never got his Friends or mom.involved Grrr. Weird thing I noticed. This new girl looks very masculine and almost like a female him. I thought it was him in a wig when I first saw the photos! Sounds like they are going yes ellibg countries together like loves young dream!

[Hollygoeslightly]

Bottom of last post should say travelling.

Stupid mobile phones!

Just blocked again on facebook. No idea why I stopped the blocking. Nosing at what he was up to I told myself.

[obtunded]

My suggestion... . dump facebook and switch to Google+ 

[ScotisGone74]

Thats the beauty of Facebook, you can pretend to be everything you are not, pretend to Love someone you may really Not, pretend to be doing all the things you really aren't, and pretend to 'like' all the people that you really don't.   Perfect place for BPD's to live out their dreams  LoL

[obtunded]

Thats the beauty of Facebook, you can pretend to be everything you are not, pretend to Love someone you may really Not, pretend to be doing all the things you really aren't, and pretend to 'like' all the people that you really don't.   Perfect place for BPD's to live out their dreams  LoL

One of the first things my wife did before leaving was unfriend me from fb about a week before. She said nothing to me and I realized what happened when a mutual friend mentioned something she posted and I didn't know what he was talking about. I really believe she hadn't made up her mind and then went and spent a bunch of money knowing that it would end up in a fight and therefore I was the one to blame for her leaving. I told my friend what happened and he couldn't believe someone would be so juvenile. Now she posts a bunch of motivational garbage about "be kind to those who are unkind"... . always the victim... .

[obtunded]

she hadn't made up her mind

had made up

[Hollygoeslightly]

I think the point about Facebook is so true - I'd never really thought about it before because I like to think of myself as an honest person and never bother lying on there.

The Facebook official thing shouldn't really affect me so much, but I guess it's because when we first became official it took him at least a week to put it on there... . despite him chasing me and me trying to let him do all the running. So for her now to be on there for all to see, proud as can be... . well it's a kick in the old self esteem I suppose. Especially because she's prettier that makes it worse haha.

God why do we do it to ourselves. We will all come out of this stronger and they'll be left with a lifetime of broken relationships never realising how much people genuinely felt for them. I actually feel sorry for my ex.

[LoneWolf768]

obtunded, you make a great point. What better place for fake's and phonies to play out their self-prescribed drama then behind a computer where no one sees them?

The internet has always been a hot bed for sociopaths, NPD'ers, BPD'ers and anyone else with some type of behavioral disorder. Because they can take their time with regards to answering anything and modify whatever their profile may be, they can appear to be anything to anybody. Plus, they can get ALL the info they want on any unsuspecting victim and use that for their 'mirroring' purposes. Manipulation and deception are much more easier for people like this.

My ex, when we were 'together', would honestly see Facebook as the be all/end all to our 'relationship'. TOO many arguments over what women would post on my page. A simple compliment would get turned into 'Who's so-and-so? I saw what she wrote. She wants you! You're a good-looking, nice guy and women are going to interpret that as you wanting them.'  So now I'm at fault for being good-looking and nice! Extreme jealousy, insecurity and a need for control - 3 BPD characteristics. Sometimes she would post things after a fight that were meant to be directed at me and for me to purposely see. Then would come posts and pictures about how she was going to believe in herself, surround herself with positive people, erase and negative people in her life, pray for strength and other nonsense which to me was meant for people to think she was somehow going to follow through with these thoughts and ideas. I remember one time I shared a picture she put up and when she saw it on my page, she completely flipped out and acted like some spoiled 10 year old: 'Hey! That's MY post! Who the hell are you to take MY post?' I explained that it wasn't a picture of her or a family member or anything she created and unless she modifies her settings so things she posts can't be shared, anything she posted was open game. A very straight forward and honest answer with reasons and facts and I said it (texted it rather since that's mostly how we communicated - not my choice, either) in a very non-confrontational manner. It didn't matter. The way she saw it, it was hers and hers only. Typical controlling BPD behavior like I mentioned before.

I've recently deactivated my account in an effort to try to not let Facebook, and social media in general, become such a big part of my life like it was. I'm developing new routines and will start to incorporate into my daily activities. I don't miss it, either.

[obtunded]

obtunded, you make a great point. What better place for fake's and phonies to play out their self-prescribed drama then behind a computer where no one sees them?

I've recently deactivated my account in an effort to try to not let Facebook, and social media in general, become such a big part of my life like it was. I'm developing new routines and will start to incorporate into my daily activities. I don't miss it, either.

Same here. As soon as I found out I had been dumped on fb, I deleted my account and never even mentioned it to my wife as she had already moved out by then. It's funny how they want control of EVERYTHING. I made the mistake of making a joke about a co-worker (male) drooling over the picture of another co-worker (female) that she had on her fb site (she was in a bikini). My wife became jealous of the female co-worker because of someone else looking at a picture... . WTH?... . I then had to explain, repeatedly, since they NEVER get it the FIRST TIME, that she (my wife) had NOTHING to be jealous about as the girl is a lesbian (which my wife ALREADY knew) and could care less what I, the co-worker, or any other guy thought about her... . the whole thing was a joke about how my male co-worker got all excited over a girl who would have nothing to do with him, but my wife becomes jealous? After that, I never mentioned anything about friends of mine on fb, it wasn't worth the drama. Needless to say, when the female co-worker sent me a friend request on fb, I never responded... . it's crazy how they make you afraid to even have a friend on fb for fear of their unfounded jealousy. I should probably apologize to the female co-worker as she probably thinks I'm a (banned word) for never acknowledging her friend request.

[Hollygoeslightly]

Ah that makes sense - their obsession with control and where better to do it? From my exes profile he was a popular guy, funny, super positive and doing really well in his life.

In reality, he was a debt ridden student 6 years older than his classmates, not eating because he had no money, falling behind in his studies, and getting bogged down with anxiety and depression.

I think, because my ex lives in another country to his family and is partially estranged from them (abused as child by an Uncle and put not Foster Care), he uses it as a sort of "look at me! Look how I turned out? I'm super happy and my life is super awesome"

[LoneWolf768]

Brother brother brother... . I know all too well that whole scene where you not only defending your Facebook page, your friends, posts, etc. but you're also pulling double duty as an emotional babysitter for them, having to reassure them that THEY'RE the only woman in your life, there's NO ONE else, you love them and ONLY them, etc. and I'm sure you know how exhausting that can be.

On another board, I gave a back story to what I was dealing with. I met my ex BPD'er back in 2009 and the characteristics presented themselves right away. I decided it was going too fast and pulled on the reigns a bit, which just made her press harder. I, in a friendly manner, let her know we could be friends and maybe hang out if she didn't read into that as us being a couple. She didn't want that. It was all or nothing with me. A few months later, I began a casual but exclusive relationship with a woman that I'm friends with to this day. While I DO NOT at all encourage FWB's, we thankfully stayed close friends. One day, my ex contacted me an asked about my dating status. I told her I was hanging out with someone but it was nothing serious. She then asked if I'd been 'with' this woman and I don't believe in lying to people to deceive them so I said 'Yes. I have been.' I could tell by her texts she was deflated. My intent was not to hurt her but to be honest. I didn't want to mislead her by lying - not at all knowing at that time how much of a compulsive liar she is.  

A few more months go by, I'm texting with my casual yet exclusive friend when the BPD'er feels the need to text me to tell me about  a man she was with and proceeded to tell me about their 'moment'. I found this to be pretty disturbing because who would go to those lengths to gauge someone's feelings? A BPD'er, of course!

Fast forward to 2012. Up to this point, I hadn't seen her, and talked now and again. Sometimes we would go a month or so with no communication, sometimes longer. We started talking and texting on a regular basis and I found myself falling for this woman. I wasn't lonely and looking for anyone, wasn't rebounding from anyone, wasn't bored with my life... . I just found myself thinking more and more about her. 6 weeks or so later, we're changing our Facebook statuses to 'In A Relationship With... . ' and she would tell anyone who would listen how wonderful I was, how lucky she was to find love, how she's waited for 3 years for this moment (she actually told me that to my face multiple times) all seemed fine until the woman I was with was brought up. She asked if we still talked and at that time, we didn't talk. She wasn't even on my friends list. My ex BPD'er wanted to keep it that way. Even though this had happened 3 years ago, it still made her uncomfortable. I didn't fight her on it because I could see her side of it. I'd probably feel a little uncomfortable knowing there was a man on her friends list she had been 'with'. I asked if the guy she was 'with' was on her friends list and she said no, she took him off a few months after their 'moment' claimed it happened at a park, she didn't want to follow through with it, it was in the woods and she had no idea why they were even in there, and she supposedly broke it off with him the next day after admitting she wasn't over me. She also said she had this 'moment' with this character to A) get over me and B) get back at me that she's loved me since the day we met, no other man could measure up to me, its always been me, blah blah blah... . I was so stung by those reasons, particularly the 'getting back at me' part. I explained to her she had NO business getting back at me for anything, let alone becoming involved with a woman after we stopped dating. I told her it wasn't as if I dumped her to be with this other woman; this woman just didn't want anything serious.

Let's fast forward again to June of 2013. This is information I found out after the breakup. I contacted a friend of my ex BPD'er, someone I corresponded with through Facebook pictures and posts and someone I thought was mature enough to see both sides of the relationship and not be biased. She mentioned that the two of them knew each other because my ex dated her estranged husband. My ex lives with her estranged husband, their daughter, sister-in-law and mother-in-law. This friend lives with her boyfriend, her estranged husband and his girlfriend. (Are you laughing and or has your head exploded with exasperation?). Turns out sometime in 2010, my ex BPD'er and this guy met online and she was professing her undying love to him and the friend after they met ONE time.  She tried to spend the night with him TWICE, and both times he said no. The third time, she asked the friend and her boyfriend to come pick her up (she doesn't drive, the estranged husband doesn't either). They pick her up, she has an overnight bag with her. They asked what the bag was for and her excuse was if they were all going to be drinking at the apartment, it would be stupid for someone to try and drive her home after they'd been drinking. A good reason, but also a loophole. So, she put her bag in the estranged husbands room. The friend said her estranged husband did not ask her to stay the night then, either. Later, when he went into his room, there's my ex BPD'er in her birthday suit, in his bed. I tried telling the friend that all did was make her think she and the estranged husband were an item and he probably should've thought first about whether this was the next step he wanted to take in their relationship or not. She was flabbergasted that I was defending her and said she didn't blame him one bit, that she knew what she was doing and got exactly what she wanted. She also said she could tell how 'loose' she was by her throwing herself at him and making the first move every time. Turns out her insecurities and jealousy surfaced with this guy and he backed off form her. According to the friend, she went 'fatal attraction' on him for a couple weeks until he gave her an ultimatum: either cool it or I'll write you totally out of my life. Then, she set her sights on the friend and wanted to know what happened, why he doesn't like her, why he can't accept her jealousy (she once tried to rationalize her jealousy by telling me that it's her way of caring and when she stops being jealous to watch out. HUH?) I don't know this guy but I've seen pictures of him and personally, I think she took 2 s.teps backward by going from from me to him but the big thing I remembered from reading all of these BPD links is that BOD women engage in reckless sex because they have poor impulse control. Looks have NOTHING to do with who they sleep with. It's all about having such a low sense of self worth that their looks and body are all they feel that have as an asset and it makes them feel validated. If a relationship comes out of the moment, that validates them even more. It's pretty sad. Here. I thought the first time we met and hooked up, she really liked me! Then I find out about this guy, who I believe is the guy she was in the woods with. My thinking is she fabricated the story and/or the facts of what happened i.e. their names, where it happened, who broke it off with whom, etc.

The big thing for me, the thing that pisses me off, was she left HIM on her friends list, corresponded with him from time to time (back in early April when she put up her knew profile pic, he compliments her and she said she was trying to which he replied 'You don't have to do anything. You were always beautiful' to which she replied 'Awww! you're too sweet thank you!' 'Its my pleasure' and she's giving him thumbs up to his comments. She was probably eating all this up and so high at what he wrote. Me? I complimented her picture and practically had to BEG for her just to say THANK YOU!  

What pisses me off is I was practically bullied into making sure I was not at all communicating with the woman I was with, which we didn't at all communicate til this past April. She said NOTHING about this guy to me. Ever. I forgot to add that when the friend and I started communicating, my ex BPD'er almost demanded the friend not talk to me at all and block me on Facebook. She said it was 'for your own protection' which I found extremely insulting because I NEVER gave my ex BPD'er ANY reason of her to think I would hurt her or her daughter. Any emails or texts I sent were on NO WAY threatening or would give anyone the impression their lives were in danger. She went WAY overboard with that! She also wanted to keep the friend and I from because she knew her dirty little secret would be exposed and would further confirm my suspicions that she's a compulsive and pathological liar, among many, many other vile and disgusting descriptions.

Right before I blocked her on Facebook, I noticed a pic of she and kissing that was taken back in October and posted in November and still remains on her timeline for 'Public' viewing. I saw other pics of us, posts, little 'I Love You' comments with pictures of flowers, etc. One of the questions I asked people was if you hate someone as bad as she hates me and said the things to me that she said, WHY would you want something like pictures to remind you of that person? You would make every effort possible to delete ANYTHING that reminded you of them, wouldn't you?

I know I got way off point here but my objective was to say that she uses Facebook as a cloak of some sort, a mask or a disguise to let people 'think' she's a normal person with a normal life. I see how she tries to make herself seem religious with her posts and pictures, how she tries to appear like a responsible mother who's teaching her child good, positive life lessons (Sorry... . sleeping with random men weeks (him) and even hours (me) after meeting them, sitting on your ass all day, no interest in working, no interest in driving, drinks almost every night... . those aren't good examples for her daughter to see, in my opinion), and tries to have the appearance of someone who has a hold on their life.  What a better place than the internet to put on a charade, eh obtunded?

In my opinion, yes, you should make a sincere apology to the woman who sent you the friend request and explain to her that because of the insecurity and jealousy issues of your wife, you were just trying to keep the peace with her and you meant no offense by ignoring her friend request. Moving forward, you'll stand your ground on things like that because all it will do will give your wife power over you. I learned that the hard way and unless I discuss something like this with a new woman and don't think it's bothering anyone, I'm going to be friends with who I want to be friends with. Thanks for posting, bro!    

[obtunded]

In my opinion, yes, you should make a sincere apology to the woman who sent you the friend request and explain to her that because of the insecurity and jealousy issues of your wife, you were just trying to keep the peace with her and you meant no offense by ignoring her friend request. Moving forward, you'll stand your ground on things like that because all it will do will give your wife power over you. I learned that the hard way and unless I discuss something like this with a new woman and don't think it's bothering anyone, I'm going to be friends with who I want to be friends with. Thanks for posting, bro!    

I will, and I'm also trying restore my friendships that I neglected during our marriage. There's a lot to work on when you finally shed the slime off of yourself and begin to see who you really are.

[Dave44]

Ahhh good ole Facebook. Here's one for you... .

After dating my ex for a couple of months and meeting her sister many times naturally, her sister sent me a friend request on Facebook. When I saw it I said, "oh your sister added me to Facebook" and just as I was about it hit the accept button my ex said "don't you dare add my sister." I looked confused and said "huh? Why not?". She then began to give me this story about how her sister has always hit on all her boyfriends etc etc and how it would be totally inappropriate to have her sister on my Facebook. She then said "I don't have my sisters boyfriend on mine." I explained to her that her sister just started dating this guy a month or so ago and for one she's completely crazy about him and regarding having him on your Facebook well, it's a little different as you haven't even met him yet. She replied with telling me how it didn't matter and it was just wrong. Long story I didn't add her. Now, this obviously made things a little awkward whenever her sister would come around as she would always be asking me why I'm not accepting her friend request, naturally! Lol. I always had to come up with some excuse.

When my ex brutally dumped me and cut me of her life in every way shape and form including deleting and blocking me on Facebook I panicked and set up a fictitious account so I could view her page. When I did this, literally a day or two later, what do you think was the first thing I saw when I viewed her page?... . <ex's name here> is now friends with <her sisters boyfriends name here>. I just couldn't believe my eyes. After all that about adding her sisters boyfriend a month previous and how inappropriate it would be to have her on my Facebook just as it would be inappropriate to have her sisters boyfriend on hers and what's the first thing she does when she dumps me... . adds him! Here's the kicker though. She even had the gull to brag about him coming for Christmas dinner on her wall, tagging his name in the post. That hurt -- big time.

I'm still shaking my head at that one... . I just don't get it.

[Clearmind]

Social media is a fantasy world. At the flick of a button you can say you are in a relationship - So? What does actually mean?

Can we really believe that facebook is an "official" announcement? Wow I must be missing something.

[Hollygoeslightly]

That is an excellent point clearmind.

Why do we get so worked up over someone clicking a button?

[sadinnc98]

I am sorry   I know that must be painful

[Clearmind]

Holly, if I was dating - a really healthy boundary would be not to flick that switch on FB. I am honoring the relationship and my new man by keeping it private. My personal opinion is that heavy FB users do tend to be boundary-less and no sooner is that relationship switch flicked its un-flicked.

How many people on FB are actually friends! IDK Holly - its impulsive and as quick as this relationship started the quicker it will end.

Now for my friend - how have you progressed over the last 5 months. Where do you see yourself in your healing? Any closer to finding out why you were attracted to a toxic relationship?

[peas]

My ex, when we were 'together', would honestly see Facebook as the be all/end all to our 'relationship'. TOO many arguments over what women would post on my page.

Ah, yes. Early in my r/s with my exBPDbf, Facebook prompted a huge fight.

I use FB for general purposes. I have a ton of FB friends who are a mix of past and present colleagues, volunteer group associates, family, real-life friends, etc. I see FB as a public forum. I post some personal stuff on there, my opinions, what I am doing, all G-rated and general interest, but nothing too deep.

Anyway, when I was hot and heavy with the exbf, he posted a picture on my wall of us kissing. At first I was conflicted about whether to leave it up -- I was crazy about my boyfriend and I was proud to be with him, but I also didn't want to share such a private moment with coworkers, bosses, professional acquaintances, etc. So I removed it. Bad idea! Huge fight ensues because I can't believe he couldn't respect how I use FB and he thought I didn't want people to know we were together.

To him, it was a slap in the face. He responded by immediately unfriending me (would be the first time of many) and removing all traces of me on his FB profile. He would never again post anything there about me. It hurt him deeply that I removed that photo. To be honest, I thought there would be a chance he would take it wrong, but I just imagined 500 people watching us kiss and removed it. I also put myself in his place: what if I posted a photo of us making out and he explained that it was too private? I would understand.

To this day, I wish I had kept the photo up. It would have saved me a lot of grief and I think he never got over the pain of it. I felt bad about removing it and I wanted to show him off to friends. Just not like that. I had several pictures posted of us together that were obvious we were a couple. I just drew the line at make-out pictures.

Later in the r/s, when were back to being FB friends (which never lasted long), I got myself into trouble checking out his women friends on there. Yeah, more fights over that.

We just couldn't get our act together on FB. We actually came to a "No Facebook" agreement.

[Hollygoeslightly]

Honestly guys, I can't thank you all enough for your kind comments. I thought I was over the worst, and this week it's kind of thrown me how much it has affected me. I am guessing I was quite happy knowing he had that fling and was still in contact as I thought he was "using it" to be able to move to another country and have somewhere to go. Now it's official and they seem to be wanting to travel the world together, it feels like the biggest kick in the gut. I'm getting there though thanks to these boards. This place is awesome.

Now to answer Clearmind's questions...

how have you progressed over the last 5 months. Where do you see yourself in your healing? Any closer to finding out why you were attracted to a toxic relationship?

The last 5 months have been some of the hardest of my life. The first month was spent being upset, in denial, hoping that once he came back off his uni trip he'd realise how much he missed me and come running back into my arms. Rubbish. I found out a month after we split that whilst he'd been in Prague he'd had a fling and that cut me so hard, but also gave me the kick I needed to say "why do you want him?". Still thought of him lots, but tried to tell myself he was broken and how the hell could I begin to fix him.

Month 2, started going out with friends a lot but even then it was a CONSTANT pain - every waking thought and moment was of him. I'd wake at 4am and have to think about it all even longer. Work was hard, I tried to write down in the back of my work diary all the things that were bad in the relationship and came up with at least 3 x A4 pages. At this point I started to google his medical symptoms and ways he acted as I started to realise it really wasn't "normal" behaviour. I'd also found out about his childhood abuse so analysed to death how that would affect an adult male, as well as having been in foster care. Started getting obsessed with horroscopes as we were the same sign, so would read into that about what he was doing and what I was doing. Some year long ones said an ex would come back into my life later in the year. Clinging to this slightly.

Month 3, still going out a lot with friends and thinking of him less, though it's still too much per day. Stopped telling most people how hung up I am on it as I feel shame I'm not over such a short thing by now. Still feels hard to go to our mutual friends house as it's near his. Too many memories. Hearing how he's still in contact with Prague girl hurts. My birthday comes up and nothing from him. Shouldn't be surprised as told him I wanted no contact but I was there for him if he ever truly needed a friend. Started having reconcilliation fantasies. I go out in town a lot hoping to bump into him. See him a few times when I drive past him and he is still so handsome and I feel drawn.

Month 4, getting better, starting to not think of him all the time now. Have started to like one of my group of friends but I will not act on this for a long time until I am "sorted." He makes me forget when I talk to him. Reminds me "normal" guys are out there. Start trying to think of him going to sleep at night, not the ex and our amazing reconcilliation that I am sure will happen. Ahem! Going out more and just trying to meet a bigger variety of people. Month of his birthday. His life seems "amazing." Almost want to contact him but resist. Tells his friends that he has no work yet but will likely be moving to "prague or somewhere equally as awesome." Seems to have these dreams but no concrete plans. Makes me go "woah, he is really messed up"

Month 5, holiday booked for Spain with friends (including said guy). Not really caring about ex much. Pretty sorted, moving on, still googling symptoms on days when I doubt he has BPD and I am the one that was mad. Decide (stupidly) to have one last facebook look before I block again and see that is now in a relationship with this Prague girl. I get through work but feel devastated and come on these boards to vent. Starting to get there again now towards the end of the week - I've had interviews for jobs, my photography business is all set up and ready to go, the holiday is looming, and I'm seeing "that friend" tonight with others... . so much to look forward to. I'm almost there. There will be back and forth I know, for a while yet. I just need that final step - how do I completely detach? Most importantly, how do I attach my heart back to my head? The two are definitely not working in conjunction.

Today - I am thinking about it but trying to post a lot on here until I go out later tonight to stop the temptation to think too much specifically about him in my head. Typing out what I have been through is cathartic. I feel fear - that him and this new girl are meant for each other, that they will work out despite all his issues, that she will be the one he WANTS to get better for, and that any assumptions I had about him having BPD are all wrong. That is today's thought process.

In my healing, I see myself as about 75% - 80% there. It's a dull pain ever day but lessening again. I am learning social media is a no no. I am finding I get triggered when I drive home and go past him. I know I am not ready for another relationship but I want to be. I want to understand why this has knocked me sideways in such a fashion. I am hoping by my holiday in 5 weeks time I will be 85% - 90% there, and by Xmas he will just be "that crazy guy you once dated." I don't know if this is completely unrealistic. I am also considering therapy to help look into myself even more, though I should be saving money, I don't know if this is a better investment in the long run. Hopefully that will help me find out why I was related to a toxic relationship. My own optinion was that, 18 months after the break up I was ready for a new relationship and it could have been anyone who showed me affection, that he gave me affection and adulation I had never accounted, that I was addicted but didn't know, and that I lacked some basic boundaries which caused it to progress at too much of an intense pace. I have to try and remember though, not to blame myself completely, and that I gave him various options that he ignored.

Any suggestions on being able to completely detach would be grateful!

[twester65]

Within Facebook is the ability to block. Not just unfriend, but literally to make two profiles invisible to each other. They don't come up in search either. That is the route I took.

If interested in doing this: Go to Privacy Settings; the select Blocking (in the left hand column); then add the person's name in the box under Block Users.

Poof! You can't check their profile and they can't check yours.

[Clearmind]

Holly, pleased to hear you healing. 5 months is about the time that all the pieces for me started to fall into place. Prior to that I concentrated so much on what he did, I neglected to look at why I got into the relationship to begin with.

We tend to really concentrate on how wonderful the idealization phase was, full of rampant sex and connection rather than the course of the relationship and how it evolved... or dissolved.

Certainly spending some time on what brought you there will help you not feel as connected to him - when we heal we never once think about going back to that because we built up our self worth. When you have good self worth we don't choose toxic relationships.