I was the new guy.

[Perfidy]

Well, it had to start somewhere. It didn't start itself! I had just gotten out of a relationship. It was dysfunctional and it only lasted a few months the second time. We had split up for a year and a half. I dated a few different women and had one that was a regular f-buddy. It was fun but I missed the intimacy that I had with my then ex. So we recycled. It got to the dysfunctional hell fast. I left her again. Only time I ever went back to one of my ex girlfriends. I never ever had a problem ending relationships when they were the source of discomfort.

Less than a month later I got together with my eXBPDgf. I was only looking to ease the breakup of my last relationship. I had every reason to believed that it would just be casual. She was sixteen years younger and no job, living at home with mom and dad and sister. She was 27.5 years old. I was 43. I already knew who she was from clubs I used to frequent. I didn't know her very well but a few people told me that she was a bag ho. I know for certain that she was using meth and she used the whole time that we were together. 7.5 years. Loong one night stand. So yeah... I knew she couldn't ever be a good partner for me but that's not why I wanted her.

 

I was the new guy for her. She told me that she had a boyfriend that was in the army, that she didn't really have any commitment to him. Well, it all seemed like a green light to me because I wasn't looking for ANY commitment from her. So now we are split up after a long term relationship that should have never been. She wasn't a keeper. I am devastated and I watched the next new guy come along. I know a lot about him because while I was in that useless bargaining phase all she wanted to do was talk about him. Amazing. She told me she was quitting meth and had a relapse. He was devastated. Poor guy. What about every time she used meth when she was with me? I was destroyed because of my empathy. Whenever she hurt herself she hurt me! I loved her and was very close to her. She said she didn't want to break up with him because she didn't want to hurt him. What about me? Did she understand that I had a DEEP attachment to her and that I was totally destroyed? She was talking with me as though I was nothing to her at all! Good luck to the new guy I hope they have the happiest and healthiest relationship possible!

[peas]

Perfidy, have you considered deeper feelings about yourself as to why you miss this woman so much?

Do you think it may have something to do with the timing in your life? It seems you are now 50 and single. Does that scare you?

This resonates with me because I have been trying to understand my irrational attachment to my exuBPDbf. He tapped into something I was ready for: marriage and kids. My biological clock is ticking very loud and he was the first guy I actually thought I wanted kids with.

Then he dumped me this summer and I'm single again and 42. I didn't realize how badly I wanted companionship before I met him. When he and I got together I relished in the partnership (even though it was unhealthy I hoped it would get better). I have always been independent, and I was kind of embarrassed and stunned how quickly I got attached to him. Especially how quickly I got attached to an alcoholic and emotional abuser. That was never my style.

I have realized that I got attached and am having a hard time letting go because I am sick of being single. And I'm aging. When I met him I also was going through a career and home transition. So there was some major upheaval in my life, which added to my anxiety. I just wanted a secure partnership and I was convinced it was with him. I have dated some good men, but when I met him I felt ready to settle down.

I was and still am grasping for stability in life in general. I thought he held the key to that. Which is why I put up with his BPD drama. 

[Clearmind]

peas asked a good question.

That deep attachment you speak of was very shakey from the get go - when we enter into a relatiionship and there is another person already there (her army BF) its likely she will do the same thing to you. We need to have our eyes and ears open for the signs.

Unfortunately we don't have our eyes and ears open because we are too hell bent on just getting into a relationship for whatever reason.

Perfidy, we need to take some responsibility for our choices - rather than laying sole blame on them.

[Perfidy]

Peas thank you for your reply. That she left me after I turned 50 does in fact bother me. She always said that the age difference wasn't a problem for her. Of course it is an ego boost for me to be with a much younger woman. Shouldn't really be that way though. I am in outstanding shape for any age. I don't meet many women my age that I am all that attracted to physically. Sorry if anybody is offended but we all know that attraction usually begins that way. So yes, part of it has to do with age. I have dated a few women ranging in age from 25 to 55 since we broke up but going behind a long term relationship it all seemed so hollow. My ex didn't work and she was by my side a lot. I developed a very strong attachment to her. She was always there. Even when I didn't want her to be. She was so stuck on me that I didn't ever think that she would leave me. I treated her like a princess but she really was far from it. Right now I still feel lost and alone. I hold on to my pain because that is all that I have left of her. I cherish it because it is her. It sucks.

The guy she chose over me is about ten years younger than me. Works in the same field that I do. Has many of the same interests that I do. She told me all of this. He moves in the same circles that I do. She told me he knows some of the people that I know. He was fresh out of a relationship when she put her hooks in him. It's me all over again. Creepy.

[Perfidy]

Clear mind I hear you! It lasted quite a while and it was really bad at times but it wasn't all bad and I thought she had found someone that she felt safe with. The end was brutal. I never realized how much I would miss her. Way more pain at the end than ever in the relationship. At least for me that is. I know now that I was blowing a lot of smoke up my own a$$.